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Nynnja
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I am terrified for tomorrow. We are getting together to talk about seeing each other with "no expectations" I'm really hoping your "no expectations" is the same as my "no expectations." I want to enjoy one another and ad to our own happiness. At the end of the day, you make sure you're happy, I'll make sure I am happy, and then we can determine if we add to each others happy.

 

Don't be like all the rest. I truly love you and know we have something great. Just a matter of timing.

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Officially NC with you now. I think I can do this. The hard part is that I WANT you to break NC, I want to hear from you, but I have to do this.

 

I still love you. You're not the same guy I fell for but I havent quite let him go yet.

I miss you, but I wish you the best.

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I feel like you are really trying to get my attention on Facebook this weekend. First with that random response on that picture, that conversation was dead for a while. Why did you all of a sudden have to reply to Tara? This next attempt, if that is what it was, was....interesting. A someecard saying "sorry. My heart currently belongs to a douche bag that could give two f*cks about me. Come back when I get my head out of my *ss." I'm having a really hard time convincing myself that you are not relating to me. Are you? Are you trying to bait again like you did on Christmas? Are you going to keep doing this until you realize it's not working then invite me over to apologize?

 

You've kept me on a leash for the last 4 months. Just tight enough so I won't stray, but not tight enough for me to have any say about us.

 

I love you, you moron. If you don't care about me why did you string me along? You looked me right in the eyes and said "I do care about you" but your actions and what you are supposedly telling other people contradicts that.

 

What is it? Do you care? Do you not? Did you think we could have had a future together? Were you just using me? Was the beginning all just a lie? You are no longer the person I fell in love with. You are an ugly bitter person. i don't like it.

 

Come back to me.

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It suddenly hit me that you're not ever coming back. It's a really sad feeling because I really thought we had something special. Something that was true and could be developed into a masterpiece. I put all my eggs in that basket way too soon. I wish you the best of luck in your life. Thanks for the happiness you brought me in this short span of time.

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I want to text you tonight. If that someecard was in regards to me, it is really working at baiting me. The urge to talk is overwhelming today. I miss you. I miss what we had. It's strange not talking to you, not having you always available. You said you would always be there. I thought things were going good in January, then you say things like that behind my back?

 

What is it? Why do you do this to me?

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I've woken up missing you and it hits me like a ton of bricks, every morning.

You're not coming back and it hurts so much, knowing that you're not in my life anymore. You're not the first person I talk to when something is wrong, you're not the first person I ring when something good has happened. Sadly, you're not that person anymore, the one that I fell so in love with.

 

It's your first shift after a week off today, so I hope you have a nice day back.

I miss you so much that it hurts. Life without you isn't the same.

 

You've changed your number, blocked me on Facebook. You've cut me off as if I meant nothing to you.

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Today has been one of the bad days during this healing time. You have your good days and the bad days, today has been bad.

 

You've been on my mind all day, I can't stop thinking about you. You've hurt me so much but I still love you and I wish I could stop. I went my sisters today, I hardly go because it reminds me of the times me and you were there. I felt sick the whole time and now I've come home, I'm in bed and I'm crying.

 

I've lost you for good..

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I miss you today, a lot actually. It frustrates me. I will not say I was doing well, but this constant wondering of what is going on and how you are doing is killing me. In fact, it’s not even the constant wondering, it’s that I miss what we had. I miss the early morning texts and late night texts. I miss cuddling and being close to you, I miss the sex, I miss you. You were so important to me.

 

I want to fast forward. To a month from now and see where we’re at. If we are talking, if my feelings have faded, if we can just function as two friends. I love you and I think I always will, but I knew I could never have you. I think I’ve always known this. I think that’s why I can handle being a friend sometimes….

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I've been really missing you lately. I hate this. I regret texting you a few weeks ago, saying I missed out friendship or what ever I said. All that did was make me seem stupid and kind of pathetic. I didn't really believe you missed me but I know your good at covering up how you really feel.

 

I'm just really missing your presence in my life and I know I shouldn't. I even wrote you this really long detailed stupid letter the other day saying everything I wanted to say. It's not a bad letter but it exposes way too much of myself in it, still though I am debating sending it. But then it's like 'then what?' if I send that it would mean letting every ounce of pride I have for myself go. Not like I have much left. But I don't even know what you would think after reading it. I think I would probably feel worse. UGH IDK! I need to just get on with my life- yet again. I just hate that when something happens in my life, good, bad, exciting- what ever my first thought is I want to tell you. Like I am FINALLY learning how to drive! I'm taking lessons! Its something I told you I wanted to do for a while, but never actually did it, but here I am behind the wheel actually doing it- DRIVING! And all I want to do is tell you 'Guess what? I'm driving!' but I can't and it makes my heart ache. I feel like there is an invisible 200 mile long string attached from my heart to you that refuses to be cut no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I can forget its there and ignore it, but sooner or later I feel a tug and I have to look down and face the reality that it's still there. UGH!

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I miss you the past weekend. I thought I was doing fine, even accept the fact that you are gone and will not come back.

But the bad days are back and all I want to do is hug you as my side pillow again.

I'm so afraid to run into you... because of how small our town is ... Arghhhh I'm so frustrated. When will I get over this?

I'm desperately wanting to move on ... But I kept running into you. At least I didn't break down, at least I talked to you like I'm doing ok. But really .... I just don't want to run into you anymore until I'm ready.

 

Can you pretend not to see me if you see me next time?

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B

 

We have opened up a communication line. I am grateful for it. My job now is to treat it responsibly. So I will unload here. Your email traffic to me continues the love theme, mine finally acknowledged that as I treat you as a friend I am probably giving up these beautiful admissions of your feelings for me. ... That bothered you enough that you called. "The fact that we can't or won't, for the purpose of staying sane... doesn't change how I feel about you Alex." And "I am glad that no one has raised the bar"

 

I admit, I dig that, I do.

 

And so we push pull each other, trying to keep each other close enough for frisson and far enough to not be threatening.

 

And I want to say: Dude, what is up with you? And I want to say: Someone will, Bret. Someone will raise that bar. And what will you do then?

 

And thankfully, I am now saying, thats just B. It just is, and I can take comfort in it. Like we love each other and have let each one go down his/her path while still having the comfort of the other. OK, that works for me.

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Its your birthday today. I hope you do well and celebrate it a bit. In my dreams i bake you a cake and bring it to you. But then reality hits again and i know that it is better to stay away from someone who did not appreciate me and who did not love me and lead me on for months. I do miss you, and i do think of you. I am just respecting myself more these days, so i wont text you, call you or show you how i feel.

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I'm thinking about you again today. Actually writing out some of the questions I want for you to answer. I thought I was going to crack last night. I saw what you and Jackie were talking about. I know you are trying to get my attention on FB. You've never made it a point to comment so much on relationships. It's strange to me really, this hold you have on me. I hate it. I hate feeling tempted to look at your page, I hate that you are tempting me. Beth and I agree that you are trying to provoke me. Why? What is the point? I need this time away from you. I have to stop flipping out every moment you are off doing something with others and I can't do that when you are trying to tempt me. I need to delete you.

 

I want to be friends. I want the option of us in the future to be there. I want to be your rock and you be mine. I just can't do it YET.

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I hung out with an old friend I hadn't seen in years on Friday. It was really nice. I only have good memories of him at school and we just talked. It felt so easy and comfortable and it was nice to catch up and talk about the past as well. I'm sad he doesn't live in this area anymore. I want to continue talking to him but it's a difficult. I find it hard to judge if there is something between us or not. I feel a bit infatuated to tell the truth.

 

I just thought it might be a good step in recovery to know that I can feel that feeling again. I would move slowly with this or not at all as he's someone I really respect & love as a friend. I am aware that I have the potential to idealize any future relationship after our break up hit me hard. I'm also aware I'm lonely. Emotions are confusing things. I like to be in control and find it hard to go with the flow!!!

 

I miss the stability of being in our relationship but whether I miss you? I don't think I do and that is moving forwards. I'm proud of myself for that.

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I haven't spoken to you in 5 days. That's the longest we've ever gone. There's so much I want to tell you. I miss you so much.

 

Ever since we broke up, I've been keeping my guard up. I don't drink too much. Don't laugh too much. I don't let people see me. I miss being me. I want so badly for you to come over, us drink a bunch of beers, and to spend hours in bed with each other. I want to let go, be myself again without being so scared.

 

I don't know how to let you go. Even when I think I'm doing better, you're always in the background. You're always in my thoughts. I wish you knew how much I love you. I think you always doubted it. But I loved you so much, and I don't think you ever fully grasped that.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to love again. How is it possible to love someone else when you own my heart?

 

We said we wouldn't talk until Friday. That's three more days. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if you don't contact me on Friday. It will break my heart all over again.

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Dammit you screwed my life up from the lies, cheating, court, probation, fines and puting a restraining order against you cause of you, all for the sake of protecting you from that sick piece of crap that shouldnt even be aloud to be around people. After amost two years of peace I still dont have the selfesteem like I used to cause im afraid that if I put energy into a relationship its gonna backfire on me. Thought I should let you know that, by the way I found someone that I feel more alive and and happier now so I end this in saying I pray for the next person that your with that he doesnt waste his life and energy from being with you.

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Thinking about you again. I have been on such a high today. Ran into an extremely cute guy at the gym, it was nice to be checked out again. You killed my self confidence during our relationship. How can someone make me feel so sexy in the beginning then just annihilate my self confidence in the end?

 

I still miss you. I want to talk to you and see how things are. I don't know what I want anymore. You back? You as a friend? I just don't know.

 

Not like you're offering anyways.

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I miss you so much. I was on my friends Facebook and I couldn't help but go on your page.

I saw your status which said "it's not about feeling that low, that all you wanna do is cry )' you've got no idea how much I wanted to send you a message, but I couldn't, because of myself. I can't be there for you anymore. It's not like I can anyway, since you cut me out of your life. But at least you have him, the one you left me for. If you're upset, he can make you feel better.

 

It's a shame he doesn't know you like I do and can't make you smile I did..

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You confuse me. If we were so good, and you were so happy, then why are you "not able" for this? You're a 42 year old man and while you're great and I love you, we both know you landed on your feet with me.

And yet you'll just throw it down the toilet and for what? To stay on your own for the rest of your days?

 

Oh and could you please take this breakup a bit more seriously? You seem to think it's a temporary measure, just there until you sort your head out and can pick up where we left off. Newsflash mister!!! I'm not going to wait forever and if you take too long to get your head together, you will lose me for good.

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