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I hate PMS.

It unroots all of my hard earned resolve and swirls it with hormones...and now I miss you again.

 

I'm glad that, despite another blowout at my house, I didn't run to the phone for you this time. I relied on you too much for support sometimes, I admit that and I'm sorry. I know that we both need to be alone, to be OK alone, as you put it. I just, ugh. I wish so hard that it could have worked out for us.

 

One girl I work with? She still wears the ring her ex gave to her. She's been married for 2 years and confided in me today that her ex was the love of her life. She thinks of him and misses him every day.

I refuse to give you that power over me. I will find happiness and peace without you. You were not the love of my life. You were the love of my early 20's, and the first person I really looked forward a future with. You're the love of my life only thus far. I don't know what the future brings, and I refuse to assume the worst for myself.

Edited by beaton
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I hate not being able to sleep!!! I'm full of nervous tension and can't shake it. I don't want to be in a relationship with you but I miss rolling over and hugging you in the night. I'd listen to a radio show on my phone and drift off. I can't seem to do that now. I'm used to working really hard and now I'm not I find it hard to switch off at night. Then the mind races. I'm feeling very vulnerable.

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I still love you but the way you ended it all was the act of a coward, and for that reason i have no respect for you anymore. You claim to be mature and more so than i ever was, though i can atleast face my deficiencies instead of running from them dragging others through the mud. It just perplexes me you could be like that whilst telling that person you still love them. It feels better to wish you the best, but in all honesty i hope you feel like you made me feel for the rest of your days. Go and try to find someone to hold your icy hands and love you like i did, you'll soon find out what you not only let slip, but greased and pushed away. Rot in hell.

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you texted today after over 90 days of no contact to say you "miss me" and you were "thinking about me". what happened? let me guess. you started dating around, and realized how good I was to you, and you want me back. that just won't happen, especially after I found out the stuff I did after we broke up. one example: you having a profile on a website where "Sugar babies" are trying to find "sugar daddies". that says alot about you right there and what your real intentions were the entire time. let's not forget you having an abortion without the father's knowledge of you doing that, much less the fact that you were even pregnant in the first place, and you not informing him of what you did until THREE YEARS after the fact.

 

a few months ago, nothing would have excited me more than to get that kind of text from you. today, that's no longer the case because I don't want you anymore. I'm over you. as you can see, I didn't reply. And I don't ever plan on it. Silence speaks volumes, maybe then you'll get the clue that you're no longer a relevant part of my life. Forget about me. Forget I even exist, N. Pretend like I'm dead, if you will.

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You didn't contact me yesterday. I cried and cried last night. I kept picturing your face, the way you smile. The freckles on your arms. That cute way you look up when you're thinking. I kept seeing you in my hallway. I could still smell you. I even heard you saying that you'd never leave me.

 

I would do anything to go back to that time. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I thought you were the one. I wanted to spend my life with you. I gave you everything, all of my heart. I trusted you.

 

It hurts so much that you haven't contacted me. I know I have to start trying to move on though. I can't go back to the past. I have to move forward. I want to send you a letter telling you how much I love you. I just want you to know it. But I'm scared that sending a letter will reopen the pain. I don't want you to contact me for the wrong reasons. Maybe I'll wait until it doesn't hurt anymore, and then I'll send it.

 

I'm still hoping that you contact me.

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I went to two places last night with my friends that I haven't been to since we went when we were together. When we made plans about where we were going, the thought of going to the same bar and club you and I went to together scared me a little. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it when we were there. I didn't want memories of you ruining my night.

 

Well, when we got to both places I'm happy to say I barely felt a thing. I was so happy just being with my friends and having a good time that I barely even thought about the fact it was where we went. I did my own thing with my friends. People who haven't betrayed me. So now that I've been there with them it's almost like I've washed you away from those places. Maybe I don't have to avoid them now.

 

I am slowly getting over you. This is a very tough road. I don't know how it is or was for you but I still have a way to go I know. Still, I think the worst is over and for that I am grateful.

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I went to the sports bar where we had our very first date last night.

 

I laughed, drinked, and joked with my friends but inside all I could think about was how beautiful we were that night at this place. I remembered how after we left the bar, we went back to your place and I surprised you with an impulse kiss on your living room floor....and it was the purest, most sensual kiss Id shared with a woman in years.

 

I was drinking heavily last night. After I left my friends behind, I was so filled with emotion...rage, anxiety, sadness, depression....all I could do was drive out to the beach at 2am and park my car near the spot we once made love along the shore. I sat atop my car with my MP3 player on, and Jaheims "Diamond In The Rough" came up on my playlist. As I sat and stared into space, memories flooded my mind. Then, the lyrics just hit me:

 

"Then our smiles turned to frowns

ups turned to downs

I dont know where Im goin now....

I think about her every once in a while"

 

Im not ashamed to admit I bawled my eyes out at that moment.

 

I thought I was nearly over you. I now know I have a long, long way to go before youre truly out of sight and out of mind.

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I almost texted you the past two nights, but stopped myself. Barley. I came on here recently asking if I should send you a letter, or even just reach out to you and surprisingly I got mixed replies. I thought for sure no one would ever encourage me to, but I guess given the situation there were mixed replies. I almost wish I got a chorus of resounding NO'S because then it would be easier not to. I don't think I should deep down, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to. From missing you even if I shouldn't. And I'm scared to even reach out because I'm 99 percent sure it will not be a good idea. I don't want to feel stupid, and rejected but I know I'm setting myself up for that. And even if we do talk or whatever it won't be fulfilling and it wont go anywhere. Not really, not ever. That's the problem and why this whole 'thing' ended again.

 

So I guess I'm gonna have to fight with myself every night now right? Because I want to text you. I even wrote out a text that said 'I really do miss you in my life. You were one of the most important people whos ever been in my life and I know I was the one to walk away but I'm having a hard time going back to being strangers again honestly' I think that kind of sums everything up with how I'm feeling. I've contemplated sending that and then shutting my phone off because I'm scared of what would transpire after that. It would either be you saying something generic like 'Aw you too' and that would be it...or you and I talking and that leaving me feeling worse. But I don't feel like you would want to talk to me these days, I feel like you probably want me to stay away, at least that was the vibe I got when we last spoke. Like there were no hard feeling and you wished me well and did care about me on a friendly level but that was it. Ughhhhh I need a lobotomy!

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Wow. I think I've been replaced by a beautiful and kind looking girl. Sat in the middle of all our friends. I'm in shock. I don't know who the hell she is. I've never seen her before. Wow. Why is it so easy for some? You'll propose in a month and I won't be surprised. Wow. Just wow.

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I've been thinking about you all day. I haven't been on Facebook for 3 days and now all I can think is that I should look and see what you are up to....what am I going to get from this?

Everyone is really proud of me for making it two weeks with NC. It scares me to think about how long this can go on. What happens after a month? After two? Where will I be? Where will you be? I want you back. I know you don't want a relationship, but maybe in a few months we can talk about us. I asked you when we first met if you were ready for something serious....what happened?

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When we got together, it was your first serious relationship and you said I would teach you as we went. It's funny though, I think you ended up teaching me more. Taught me about myself, taught me about letting go when it's not right, even when two people still love each other. In my life I had always been the one saving everyone else, being the shoulder to cry on, the one looking out for everyone else and giving the help. For the first time the role was reversed, and I had somebody to lean on. It makes me so sad that you feel you aren't "good enough" because I can see how amazing you are, not perfect (nobody is), but amazing.

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Oh god. I stumbled on emails you sent me over three years ago while looking for someone else's. I couldn't help but click on them. I saw all our little in jokes and our blatant wanting for each other...What happened to THAT you? What happened to the girl I fell in love with? I fell for you so hard.

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Where are my letters? Why did you text me last week telling me it was there and then I told you to send it in with D but you haven't. Don't you dare try to use it as an excuse to call in and see me. I am not ready to see you yet. You keep saying how sorry you are for ending it and how much you care. But it all just sounds like guilt, not regret. Until you have regret then leave me be. And if you never feel regret then continue to leave me be.

I don't want to be your friend. I want so much more than that. Why can't you understand that I need to move on.

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Bye baby. You werent ever coming back and I was right. I am not the same person anymore. It has been so unbelieveably painful for me while you have been living your dream life with your dream girl. I am sorry I was never good enough for you. It does and will continue to haunt me each day.

 

You were amazing and you were right about everything you said. I think about you everyday, about your eyes that I will never look into again.

 

I still wonder why things happened like this, why it went from bad to worse for us and that fate didnt lead us back together. I cant keep praying for us when you dont even want anything to do with me.

 

Bye baby. I hope it was all worth it for you.

I will always love and miss you for the rest of my life.

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I had a dream about you this past weekend. I dreamt I was spooning you, and we were telling each other how much we love each other. Like we used to always do before you just fell out of love with me. Before you just gave up on us.

 

We haven't had any contact for the past 6 weeks. I know you are ok with staying in contact, but I dont know if I am right now. Every minute of every day I spend thinking of you, in one way or another. I want to reach out and see how you are doing, since I think you're afraid to reach out to me. But then I have to remind myself that if you really wanted to try again, you'd reach out to me.

 

Even though I know that I am an amazing catch (good looking, career, bank account, genuinely good person) and that I will eventually find someone else...not only am I in pain/anger because of what happened, but also because I feel like we could have been really great.

 

It didn't have to be like this. I never gave up on you when there were times when I maybe wanted to. Why did you give up on me? A week before the holidays?

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How could you...? We met up last Monday an things seemed so positive. You go to the USA for a wedding and don't contact me for a week?!? Still haven't heard from you.... Cell phone services exists in the USA too.

 

If I don't hear from you soon you won't hear from me ever again.

 

Don't tell my you wanna call and talk more and do things and see where it goes and then not follow through. Yes you were in another country. But you are back now.

 

Follow trough.

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Hmm.. well it has been 5 months since last contact, about a year and change since our last conversation. Guess we are done and whatever it is in me needs to accept that already. I think the weather has alot to do with my blue mood. Seems I was walking off the pain during cold days like this. Maybe I should go sit in the sun for awhile. Ugh.

 

I don't know what i expected, maybe for you to show up but what would that do. Make me happy for a minute then wonder when you'd leave again? Just bleating. It will pass, I need to get over it already.

 

Think I'll go make some shelves and indulge at Arby's. I miss you alot you pain in the #$#4. I do. Achh.

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