bittersweet871

We talked today about hanging out this weekend. You said to give you time to think about it. That you were leaning more towards a no. I understand. I won't push it. I'm suddenly very curious to know what you are up to. If you are thinking about it or just letting me stew. Funny how the tables have turned again.

I've decided to give you a break today. Instead of contacting you I'll just do my own thing. Being off of FB helps me worry less about you. I still wonder what you are up too. I'm not really sure what is happening between us right now. You finally expressed your feelings and laid it all out on the table and I really appropriate that, but why so late? I realize that if we were to ever get back together it would be a long ways out and that's OK. I still question some of the things you have said to me, but I won't argue with it and right now, I just want to continue on. I hate rehashing the last 6 months. The conversation last night makes me question you. I'm not sure if you were just in a mood or if we are falling back into old habits. I've stopped talking about you to my friends and it really has taken a load off my mind. It helps that I know you would respond and actually hang out with me if I asked. I feel like perhaps NC is not for us. We didn't break up over typical relationship drama and honestly, in a few months or years I seriously think you would date me again. That's what your rant was about the past two days anyways... Suffice it to say, you and I are an interesting duo.

Wow really? You block me, then lift the block and then I get a notification on my phone and iPad stating you were friend requesting me, but when I look there is no request. Why are you being so weird? If you want to talk then freaking talk to me. Stop being childish.

I noticed this morning that you blocked me on Facebook, but then unblocked me??? What is up with you? Do you want me or not? I had a great time last night. Unfortunately I ran into your best friend. Probably the cause of my deletion. I don't know what else to say anymore.

I miss you today. I hope you are not out at the bars tonight because I really want to have fun with my girlfriends. This will be the first time I'll be out when the guard crew is out. I'm thinking it might be a bad idea, but I'll avoid the alcohol and if I see you I'll probably walk in the other direction....hopefully. I watched band of brothers just to get any tears out of my system just in case....

I had a dream about you last night. I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s the first time in a really long time I’ve had a dream with you in it. Remember when we first met and you used to invade my dreams? You used to get a kick out of the stories I’d tell you. I was good yesterday, but I’m thinking about you a lot today. Danielle told me that drill was this weekend. I’m apprehensive because tonight I have a birthday dinner planned and I’m afraid I may run into you. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Me trying to move on and then suddenly running into you? I know how you would spin that to make me out to be the crazy ex. I am a mixture of emotions because of you. I want for things to work out. I’m willing to keep it casual, but you have to give me time to get to that point. You have to understand that I am in love with you and this is hard for me. Why can’t I just hate you? Why can’t you be a horrid person?

Why can't I just hate you? Any other girl would have hightailed it out months ago. Why do I stick around? Why do I hope for reconciliation?

I've been thinking about you all day. I haven't been on Facebook for 3 days and now all I can think is that I should look and see what you are up to....what am I going to get from this? Everyone is really proud of me for making it two weeks with NC. It scares me to think about how long this can go on. What happens after a month? After two? Where will I be? Where will you be? I want you back. I know you don't want a relationship, but maybe in a few months we can talk about us. I asked you when we first met if you were ready for something serious....what happened?

Why do you always post such awesome stuff on fb? I feel ok now. Like I can be your friend and we can function normally. I want to comment on it, but then I remember I'm not talking to you. I'm frustrated right now. I miss you, not in a romantic way right now, just you. Idk. Emotions are tricky.

My day has been shot to h*ll. Classes were cancelled today because of the snow. The gym is also closed because of the snow. Don't these people realize that I NEED these things during my week to keep me busy. The girls will probably cancel tonight because of the snow too. I've resigned myself to just wallow in bed, completely forget about healthy eating and my diet and just watch depressing movies all day. I'll probably cave today. Talking to you a little bit can't hurt right? I just miss you. Is that so wrong?

I feel like caving tonight. I love your stupid face. I want to talk to you. Nobody is here to talk me out of it. I need a distraction.

Wayne stopped by the office today and asked if I was still talking to you. He swears up and down to give this time, that you were stringing me along and that you are in fact, moronic. I really didn't know what to say to him. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about you. I have no idea what to say, or how I should respond to questions. The subject of "us" is a mystery to me. It pains me. I want to keep fighting, but I know that makes me look desperate and stupid. So I sit and try to process everything. Is this really over? Will we be friends? CAN I be a friend to you? I find myself watching war movies now, it's the only thing you wouldn't watch with me, it's the only thing you haven't spoiled. I think about the 5ks, the hiking, camping, partying and all the other things you've sullied for me. I feel like I'm going to start quoting fight club. "I am jacks inflamed sense of rejection". You've really messed me up. I question whether I'll ever be the same. If my heart will ever be open to another, if your heart will ever be open to me. Do I want that?

Thinking about you again. I have been on such a high today. Ran into an extremely cute guy at the gym, it was nice to be checked out again. You killed my self confidence during our relationship. How can someone make me feel so sexy in the beginning then just annihilate my self confidence in the end? I still miss you. I want to talk to you and see how things are. I don't know what I want anymore. You back? You as a friend? I just don't know. Not like you're offering anyways.

I'm thinking about you again today. Actually writing out some of the questions I want for you to answer. I thought I was going to crack last night. I saw what you and Jackie were talking about. I know you are trying to get my attention on FB. You've never made it a point to comment so much on relationships. It's strange to me really, this hold you have on me. I hate it. I hate feeling tempted to look at your page, I hate that you are tempting me. Beth and I agree that you are trying to provoke me. Why? What is the point? I need this time away from you. I have to stop flipping out every moment you are off doing something with others and I can't do that when you are trying to tempt me. I need to delete you. I want to be friends. I want the option of us in the future to be there. I want to be your rock and you be mine. I just can't do it YET.

I miss you today, a lot actually. It frustrates me. I will not say I was doing well, but this constant wondering of what is going on and how you are doing is killing me. In fact, it’s not even the constant wondering, it’s that I miss what we had. I miss the early morning texts and late night texts. I miss cuddling and being close to you, I miss the sex, I miss you. You were so important to me. I want to fast forward. To a month from now and see where we’re at. If we are talking, if my feelings have faded, if we can just function as two friends. I love you and I think I always will, but I knew I could never have you. I think I’ve always known this. I think that’s why I can handle being a friend sometimes….