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Nynnja
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I'm beginning to realize just how...much you didn't love me. You talked about making me a necklace for over a year. You didn't think of me on holidays. This Valentines day will be better than last because at least I can buy MYSELF something. Never did make me that necklace claiming to not have time, but had time to build yourself a freakin' coffee table. You just couldn't find the time for me. When we moved apart you complained about how it felt like I didn't exist, but you never really tried to make that feel more real. I always called you, tried to skype, etc. You talked about how you were waiting for the relationship to get easy, how it had always had bumps. Of course it was hard! Relationships are hard work! I see now that you just didn't feel what I felt. I made the decision to love you and work on the relationship. You made the decision to give up. I will never forget that night you tried to blame me for the breakup that you initiated. You gave up, not me. I will never really understand what you were thinking and that is why we have to stay out of contact.

I miss you tonight and wish I could call you, but I won't. I have nothing to say to you other than what I have said here and telling you this is pointless. You made your decision.

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I'm having such a hard time today....can't get you off my mind! I just want to know if you will ever tuck-me in again...miss those so much!!! It was a year ago today that you broke up with me for the 2nd time only to come back around a month and a half later. Its been 4 days of NC today...so hard If only I had ignored you then I wouldn't be feeling like this today! Damn you....Damn me....I deserve so much better than to feel like this!

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How could you do this to me? After four years you just let it go in an instant. How could you not respect me enough to do it face to face? You really ended this over text message. How could you say you are not in love with me anymore? just two weeks after telling me you wished i was your soulmate. Just two weeks after you sent me a picture of you in one of my shirts and said that the love of your life gave it to you. I know that it hurts now. but i guarantee that i will be fine. I will succeed. and if you didn't love me enough to give me another chance and continue to believe in me then you do not deserve me. I promise you that nobody. NOBODY. Will ever love you more than I do. and even though i want you to be happy. I hope this is killing you inside. I hope that one day you hurt as much as i am. I hope that this will be the biggest regret of your life. I hope that when you get married some day. You will still think of me.

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I love you so much and it's consuming me. I can't do anything about it which is the worse feeling ever... I keep praying and hoping you will contact me, but it's been 4 weeks and nothing. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way... why can't I move on? Have you moved on? I just want to be with you

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Why did you hurt me? It's been almost a month since we ended, we were together for a year but you moved on so quickly to another person, like I meant nothing to you, like we didn't mean anything. You said I'm your first love and it was love at first sight with me, I really thought you loved me. You got me like nobody else has and treated me like no other has. Now here I am, writing this and you're probably with him, the guy you had a relationship with whilst you were with me, do you know how that made me feel? Like I'm nothing, like I meant nothing to you? Feeling as if everything you said was a big fat lie and a ****ing joke to you. You ended our relationship but we saw each other two weeks later, and you kissed me? Not only did you cheat on me, but you cheated on him. Why couldn't you just tell me that you were in a relationship with him whilst you were with me!?

You'll never understand how much pain you've put me through and how much I'm struggling with everything, whilst you're getting on with your life, happy and with you're boyfriend. You're not the one who goes to sleep every night, crying. Or thinking how you'll get through the day putting a brave face on.

 

You turned from being the best thing that happened to me, to the worst thing that's happened to me. You're my second love but the first girl I've fell in love and you're first person who's left me heartbroken.

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For some reason a song that reminds me of you popped in my head and now I miss you a little. I just wanted to tell you. I'm still upset and angry at you for letting go. I wish I could put you out my mind for a good long while. I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you? I doubt it.

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I miss you again tonight. I miss having someone my age I could come home to and speak with on the same level. Granted I'm idealizing...you probably moan at me about dinner then get more grumpy when it wasn't what you wanted or healthy enough. I miss having someone to play with...to hug, to tickle...again idealized as near tue end you'd brush me away and say I was annoying. So again, I miss the old us. I wonder if, when it wasn't just us in the past you were happier because you had someone to bully and someone to play with? It's just when it became just us it seemed like I was suddenly the enemy. I'm a lazy person...I don't understand how starting from scratch is better than improving on something already there. I feel that you have to have a perfect relationship to prevent your parents marriage. Maybe you will. Who knows.

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I was so wrong about you. Couldn't have been more wrong about you.

 

Thought for sure that you were true -- that what you did and what you had to say was real. Guess I'm just easily fooled or something.

 

I thought you were such a selfless person, but it turns out that you're incredibly selfish. Turns out you really only care about yourself. I remember thinking that you couldn't even lie if you wanted to, but no, you lied about a lot of things. You led me on and lied about our future and how serious we were.

 

I thought you cared. I thought you loved me. Wrong again.

 

Just so, so wrong about everything about you. I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist, and even knowing that, I just can't seem to get over you.

 

I shouldn't be the one in pain here. You should. You deserve to feel like this, and I don't. F**k you.

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a month after the breakup, came last years valentines day. I had only furniture to give me company then, in an empty room and you were seeing someone else already. it was the very worst day of my life. I just wanted to die then. you never gave me one chance, when I truly wanted it. I had accepted what you did (altho I thought and still think its a horrible con/cult and has been done before by other people too, but the point is I had accepted it because that's what made you happy) and I would never ever have complained about it again. I had been looking at rings and my parents had come in feb and had wanted to meet you. I truly had changed and though I was immature and selfish in many ways, you also bear responsibility in not giving me clear signs that you did prioritize me, at the time when you knew how much I wanted that reassurance. even that night when I wanted to stay with you, you had some random cult member stay at your place instead. it wasn't just me that was selfish, you were selfish too and you couldn't see (or could but didn't care) how much you were hurting me.

 

inspite of all this, of my saying and doing things and lashing out in frustration, i never ever left you...but in the end, you left me for someone else.

 

the sun goes around, and now it's another valentine's in a few days. you are happily married. I still feel and remember you but the waves are farther apart and less intense. I have survived, barely... but I'm alive. I have often wondered what I would do if you ever wanted to come back, not that that would happen but if it did. I want you to know that I respect your choice because only you can choose who you are happy with. But after what you put me through, I have that same right and I (now) will never take you back even if you were the last person on earth.

Edited by jaded123
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I hate you for parading your new fiance around like a prize specimen.

Taking her to meet celebrities at concerts and big smiles to the camera.

I know you got fired for drugs, i know she did too. So why do you both still look so ****ing happy? Living it up?

Don't you miss me at all??? After 6 whole years of looking after you?? You pr*ck!!!

I did NOT deserve any of this! You cheating, lying, smug son of a b*tch!!

I hope your marriage falls apart dramatically and she leaves your sorry as*! Then you might know how it felt for me.

 

I'm so lucky i'm not feeling any more love for you anymore. That i don't feel hardly any attraction left for you. I would be fu*ked emotionally right now. More so than i already am!

I hate the farmiliarity of you. Your broken promises. Your affection which is obviously so easily transferable.

I hope your life completely falls apart at the seems. I hate you.

Yes i'm bitter... but i have every damn right to be!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!!!

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I absolutely hate the fact that you left me. People told me you were planning this even though I never saw it coming. I've never been more attentive, caring, and always jumped when you needed help. The last two years were the biggest ****ing waste of my life and I hate you! I hope you're happy with your new guy. You have used the f**k out of me. Karma is a [email protected] and I hope it rains down on you like a rentless storm negatively affecting every facet of your life, because you f***ing deserve it. Women like you can just go to hell for all I care. You are a thoughtless waste of space, and the only time you try to do something is because your conscious got to the best of you and you tried to do things retroactively. Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I don't have feelings, you f***wad.

 

F***K YOU, you f***ing piece of *****!!!!!! You are trash and I'm putting all of my memories of you in the trash where they belong. Go to hell!!!!!!

Edited by jdf2013
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Why am I struggling so hard? I tried to not contact you and failed. I keep texting you stupid little questions about random **** because when you reply it makes me feel like there is hope. I keep thinking, maybe if I remind you of one tiny moment we had, it will trigger a chain reaction and you'll magically change your mind and want to be with me again. How pathetic.

I NEED to accept that you are just being nice by not ignoring me. You have moved on. You are just being friendly.

You will find someone else, you may already have. I need to stop reaching for breadcrumbs, because then something you say reminds me that you are in a completely different mental place now and I feel so foolish.

I need to move on from you.

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First Sunday for a long time I've woken up missing you, feeling hollow today and wishing you were here with me this morning. The one year anniversary since BU is messing with me more than I thought.

 

I did love you, probably more than you know, but after 9 years you didn't give us the opportunity to resolve anything, you just left like I always feared you would. So I was proven right, but that is a small consolation right now. We didn't talk enough about our problems and concerns and as soon as we did you relayed it all to your brother. He then found it funny to bring it up in front of me... what a d*ck...

 

It was the time at his birthday when he brought it up an argument we'd had and he made fun of me that made my blood boil. I'm not sure I ever recovered from that or that I could fully trust you again, yet here I am missing you again. My brain sees the logic my heart doesn't, gotta keep trucking to stop this pain from invading my life, when you probably don't care anymore.

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i dont know why you spoke to my brother the other day to ask me to go hillwalking with you. why are you reaching out after all this time? all its done is mess my head up. you made your bed, now lie in it. this is the life you wanted. so it turns out the grass really wasnt greener and now you have no friends. cant believe you are reaching out to your EX boyfriend ( ME!!!! ) who YOU broke up with because you are lonely!!! you are pathetic!

 

you just keep haunting me everywhere.

 

happy birthday, and i hope your getting a better mental state with your medication and councelling

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I've missed you a lot more these past few days and it's real achy I just want to spend time with you kinda ache. Just want to come home and watch tv with you, I just want to come home and hug you, I just want to come home and ay with the birds together. I miss the little bird cuddles I used to get...they would cheer me up after a bad day at work. I want to talk to you about my day and our degree. I want to know what you're doing.

 

I miss the playful side of us because I can't express that here living with my parents. I'm feeling upset because our friends in Scotland had an engagement party. You would have been invited and maybe have gone. Maybe you took a partner if you have one. You saw all our friends and had fun. They will naturally have a stronger bnod to you as you now all live in the same place and the majority work with you. There is no point in them getting involved in a break up and they won't. So, while I am isolated you are not. I'm scared that you will just slip someone new in my place and it will feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

 

I really don't want to miss you. You treated me like crap at times but I do and it hurts. I feel like I just want you to remember all the good things I am and come back. Then I question if I'm any good at all

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I just want to hear the sound of your voice. I know I shouldn't want to and that ultimately nothing will change. Yet, its been a week since you called just to vent to me and then the next day I told you I couldn't be there for you because I love/care for you too much. I'm sure you're out there enjoying the single life and the attention that I know you're getting. It doesn't bother me surprisingly because that is what being single is, freedom. I wish you the best, I know I need to move forward. I hope you enjoy your Cancun trip with your two friends who I told you to reach out since you were to stubborn to do it without encouragement. I'm glad you did and it warms my heart to see you have the close girlfriends I always wanted you to have. Its gotten easier since December 28th, 2012 when everything ended. I'm getting back to my old self and picking up the pieces of my heart and putting it back together. No, I'm not talking to anyone and truthfully I want to be alone to become a better person and grow as an individual. I'm slowly taking you off the mantle, realizing you weren't perfect and how self-centered you could be. No i'm not bitter about anything, its just a realization that maybe I deserve more. I'll always be thankful for what we had and the memories I cherish. Maybe i'll always love you and our paths will realign out of no where like they did initially when we first met. Regardless, you and your family will remain in my prayers. I hope to one day sit in on one of your moms lectures and talk to her after; see how the family is, tell her how without your dad and moms encouragement I wouldn't be where I am in my life, and to thank her for how warm her home always was. Until we meet again, be safe but enjoy yourself. You're 21 and have your whole life ahead of you but you also need to realize how much you mean to everyone. I'm sorry for the pathetic things I have done in the past, but I know you understand.

 

I'll always have moments where I may think of you, at least for now. But I won't reach out, I know our relationship is over. I hope we remain in one another's lives, but right now thats just not possible. Until we speak again, may God watch over you and protect you. Ry

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sundays are the worst. remember i used to wake up at your place and we just spent hours in bed doing nothing. all the nice foods being prepared and you making my favorite toast and just be together and doing nothing

 

those were good times and i will always keep them with me. i could say i hope your ok but i dont feel that way now, sorry

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I want you to know that you shattered me into millions of pieces when you walked away.

 

I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. Things weren't perfect but you were.

 

One can never unscramble an egg, put humpty dumpty back together. Basic law of universe, too much change in entropy.

 

I tried and tried and then tried even more. The stuff I sent was a small fraction of stuff I wrote or drew or recorded. I never left you ever. Sure, I lashed out and pretended to leave and that hurt you immensely. I regret that immensely. But I never left, never ever would have left and (it took me a while to come to this understanding with myself), and, I would have died for you.

 

I want you to know that you never gave me one chance, the 1 week I wanted. You could have left after that anyway.

 

You abandoned me and I never ever thought you would leave. I thought you loved me too. You said so many times that you did.

 

I was wrong. You didn't truly love me, it was more of an intellectual exercise about "compatibility" for you. Love is a transferable thing for you and for that reason ultimately meaningless...

Edited by jaded123
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Your cult keeps spamming me with their newsletter, normally it goes unread to trash. I never subscribed to it in the first place. Anyway, today I made the mistake of opening the latest email because I missed you and there you were, your picture !!! kneeling in a huddle with other people, looking so happy.

 

I've never cursed at you before but @@@@ you for sending me this and @@@@ you for causing me this much pain and @@@@ your cult.

 

I didn't expect to see your pic and I know this email is not your fault and I wish you had chosen me and given me a chance..I'm sitting in my bedroom in tears again..happy ?

 

13 months of emotional torture. I loved you so much. @@@@ you, I'm done with you.

Edited by jaded123
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