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Nynnja
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I'm with a special girl now 15 month's on but i still effing think about you every single day and after what you did to me!!!

Val's day on thursday, your b-day the next day and our youngest son's b-day 2 day's later.

These's date's are scorched into my brain and i so want to txt you happy b-day but my stubborness and pride will never let me.

Besides i cant because someone nicked your phone on saturday.LOL

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Contacting you last night was bittersweet. We had a nice conversation, but at the same time, you were cold to me. If you never admit your feelings, then we never have a chance. Do you still care or not? I don't know how to move on. I don't think I can.... I love you so much. Why do I love you? Please get over yourself and take a risk in your life. Take a chance on us again!!!

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I want to see my friends at church again. Will you please treat me with some respect when I am there so I can come back? I can't stand the way you treat me so cold, when you once looked into my eyes and told me how special I was, and how good we were for each other. I am so close to moving forward, but there is one thing holding me back, and its being so invisible to someone I've known for 20 years. Stop being so afraid to work through whatever it is you need to work through. It's not as hard as you think. Everything will turn out alright for both of us, I know it will. I told you as much when we were together, and I still believe it. The future can be bright, and we don't need to be enemies for that future, just because we tried this little failed experiment.

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just when i think i am making progress , wake up on the odd morning without you being there in front of my mind. You come back into my head and i feel as if its day1 all over again. Let me move on please get out of my head. I still love you so much , does admitting that keep me in this place

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I've been very confused the last few days. It is not a fun feeling for me. I go back and forth between hating your guts and wishing you were right here in front of me.

 

What you said to me hurt me. A lot. That kind of insult just threw me over the edge, whereas if it was any other normal conversation, I would have been able to brush it off.

 

Then again that's the kind of person you are, aren't you? You enjoy getting under my skin. You've said on numerous occasions that you laugh whenever I get mad. You feed off of people getting upset when you end up with the upperhand. Basically you're just a selfish *****.

 

The way I "ended" things probably, no definitely, should have been more civil. I sent you that text and basically shut the world off. I have no idea if you even received it. I have no idea if you replied. I have no idea if you are alive or dead.

 

I really did give you a piece of my heart at one point, but now I'm not sure why. It was always this cat and mouse game with us. We'd always take jabs at each other...but yours always hurt just a little bit more.

 

Everyone has been telling me "don't sweat the small stuff" or "don't take things so seriously"...and yes, in hindsight, that is a great philosophy to follow. But when I get those moments after a bad day and you push me just over the edge....I lose it. I explode. and in this case, you were the target.

 

Interestingly enough, everyone also says I need to apologize. I agree. I said some nasty things. I insulted you as a Christian, as a person, and I meant every single word.....at the time.

 

I'm not your ego-booster, I'm not your pick me up, I'm not your backup plan, I'm not your doormat. I may have had feelings for you (and still do obviously or I wouldn't be posting this), but I had to let you know that you summoned the demon inside me that will go to great lengths to get my message accross when my limits have been pushed way beyond anything I'm capable of.

 

Was it childish? Perhaps. I wanted you to hurt for once. My initial reaction was to cause you as much pain in one instance as possible.

 

My initial mistake was not leaving the door open to even see if I caused pain. I send the text, and then went into hiding waiting for the aftermath to clear.

 

At the end of the day, I wish I had not done it. There's other ways of dealing with things. I should have been honest with you, and told you how I feel. I suppose I was always scared of losing you.

 

I'll tell you one thing though, I don't want to be stuck in this whirlwind of negative thinking. I've gotta move forward. Life will go on.

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Today is not a good day. I feel like crawling into a hole and just sitting there. I can't believe it's over. I know that I have made things worse and that we both have done some ugly things to each other, but it doesn't have to be that way. I'm stupid for still pining after you. I won't say that you were wrong for me, because you were honestly so right for me. I still love you even after all this. I still want you in my life, but I am angry. Why? Why could you not have a little patience for me? You are so smart, how can you not understand female emotions? Why do you tell people one thing then tell me something different? Why did you call me back? I was ready! I was walking away! You told me to lose your number and I was! Why did you have to open that window again??? I am angry and upset and in tears again. I hate what you have turned me into, I hate that you opened that window again only to close it, I hate that you are OK right now and I am falling apart. And I would stupidly still take it all back.

 

I want to talk to you, so that we don't leave things off on such a bad note, but that's a trap waiting to happen. I don't really know what I'm hopeful for now. I don't want to be over you, but I don't want to feel like this anymore.

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WOW...so again ....7 days NC then you text me! You say something lame about seeing a friend at the gym. I actually respond out of curiosty...you act non chalant so I tell you its weird....the whole dynamic of how different we act now. THEN you say something so cold..like we dated for a while..we're not now..THATS it...are you kidding me?!!! Is that why you can't seem to stop texting me out the blue when you get the notion??? Seriously??? I think it is one big POWER EGO CONTROL trip for you!!!! Well guess what you don't need to worry about me leaving you alone...you are alone...enjoy your freedom from me because the last thing I want is for you to think I want anything more from you. I've literally wasted 2 years of my life caring about you when you just made it perfectly clear you don't and never did care at all!!!!!! I sincerely hope that you get the KARMA you deserve. I'm so effing hurt....and this is just one of many times I've felt like this. I honestly do not know who you think you are playing with my emotions like this over and over. Good luck to you in your life because you are seriously going to need it.... AND no...everything is NOT fine like you said yesterday...keep on believing that

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I've been so so for the last 24 hours...but i'm starting to get those same feelings of panic coming up every now and then.

 

I really want to reach out to you and tell you how sorry I am. But what will that accomplish? I know how you work. You will use it against me and tell me how its not fair that I could send a text so nasty, and then a few days later turn around and I'm basically on my knees begging for forgiveness. What kind of message does that send?

 

My options are to either do nothing, wait a little longer and then maybe contact you, or contact you now and risk putting the nail in the coffin.

 

I want you in my life. Even with all your flaws and quirks....I want you.

 

But then I wonder....were we ever really friends? Or were we just trying to keep the flame alive because we don't want to be alone?

 

We never really had much in common. Whenever we went out all i wanted to do was kiss you. I rarely agreed with your opinions, and you never agreed with mine. You always had such indifference towards anything I said or brought up.

 

...oh but if you have something to say, I sure as hell better pay attention and make sure I acknowledge that you said what you said. You need positive reinforcement. You thrive off of ego boosting. That's just how you are.

 

I'm wondering if this was all for the best at the end of the day.

 

I could never really be myself around you. Well rather, I was always one-type of version of myself around you. I was always on eggshells, always trying to play it cool, always so "proper" as you said.

 

In your defense, you wanted me to open up...and I have no problem doing that with other people....but with you I just wasn't able to. Is it because I know that at the end of the day I will never see you as a marriage partner? There's so many other potential women out there who I could be with and have a family with....

 

But I still want you as my friend. I want to speak Spanish with you. I want to talk about stupid movies with you. I want to talk about coffee with you. All those dumb little things, I miss. I want that part of you back. Not the part that digs under my skin and makes me feel like an idiot for saying even one wrong word or syllable.

 

You upset me with your words when you said I would be a bad father, and I lashed out in a very inappropriate manner. The blind rage consumed me and I acted out of hatred. I regret that immensely....but then again it was always YOU who said things like "well if you want to act like that then just don't talk to me" or "well maybe we should just not be friends anymore"...or "if you don't want to talk then just say so and i'll walk away". I mean seriously, who says that? Are you that scared of being my friend? Do you just not like me as a person? Do you respect me that little? That you would give me and ultimatum saying that if I don't want to talk then I should just end our friendship right now? Who says that??? Nobody. Who is that callous and selfish that they can end friendships so quickly just because the other person isn't acting the way YOU want them too?!? You can't control people! As much chaos is in your life...and as much control that you DONT have at your house with your overbearing mother and your huge ass family telling you what to do....you can't turn around and try to control your friends just because you're having a temper tantrum.

 

As of today the general consensus is that I need to apologize, but I'm not going to do that. Especially not today. Maybe in a week or so....but by then, will you even care? Will you be so mad it wont matter what I say? Why exactly should I apologize when you were the one to say such stupid things! You never think before you speak!

 

I'm very frustrated. And as long as I keep typing everything will be followed with a "but" or "though" or "and yet" or some other excuse that I will find to justify whatever logic I'm trying to follow at the time.

 

Maybe that's my problem...I'm trying to use logic when there's this intense emotion backing everything.

 

I hate you and I love you. How's that for messed up....

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So far today has been OK. This morning I almost cried talking to a friend, but I held strong. I had dinner with Danielle last night. She told me how you speak about me to our friends. I appreciate you making me look like a crazy stalker ex and leaving out the fact that you contact me or that I was ready to walk away until you called me back. I hope they see right through it. I hope they realize that I was your sheep and you were my Shepard. I'm OK with not talking to you right now. I think about what a fool I've become around you and that makes me angry. It motivates me to soldier on, I am better than this and I deserve better treatment. I regret not giving up on Christmas. I regret not leaving that weekend in January, 1am in the morning be damned, I should have left instead of you talking me out of it. I like how you told Danielle that was a play date for our girls. I guess it saves you from looking like a total jack*ss if it was for the kids.

 

I still love you. I don't know why, you are so undeserving of it. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants, too bad I'm not thinking with my heart anymore. You lost a great girl. I don't need you, I WANTED you. I will move on and you can slump in your bitterness. I really do wish you the best. I truly do hope that you make it to grad school...who am I kidding...we all know you will. Maybe one day we can be friends...I'm not sure if I want that though...

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I hate you for replacing me, I dont know what else to say today.. I feel that you are the biggest user, and the most selfish person there is. I really thought I knew who you were, but I guess not. I hope you get alot of sex this Valentines Day without me. I also hope you end up getting dumped, cheated on twice, used, and put behind someone's family and job because thats what you really deserve.

Why cant I get past all this? It should be easy right? Well when you give more than you receive, and when you get dumped suddenly over the phone when I expected you to come over and spend time with me, instead you tell me you met someone else and he slept in your bed, it's kind of hard to just "get over" all that. 4 1/2 months later I still remember that night very clear, and I remember you telling me that you would delete his phone number. The next day, I called and that's when you broke up with me, OVER THE PHONE BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE OTHER LINE. The day after that we texted and you then told me that you've never felt this way about anyone before, you began to tell me DETAILS about the guy, and then you said you talked to him for like 6 hours the day before. Talk about heartache, heartbreak, or whatever you want to call it, but this is the kind of hurt that lasts for more then 4 1/2 months, and I hope you're happy doing this to me.

I also hope you picked out a nice card for him and I hope he buys you a nice meal.. and then later I hope he can dump you like you dumped me, over the phone, you coward.

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Hey, remember last Valentines day? Remember when we were living 3 hours apart, and agreed not to go crazy but you said "I'm still gonna send you something Remember the crazy awesome card that I cut out for you and the present I sent, and then remember, how on V-day, my mailbox was empty? Remember when that night on skype you made fun of me for being sentimental on v-day and denied even discussing presents? You gruffly agreed to go out to dinner with me that weekend. Remember making me cry because you just had no consideration for my feelings at all even then? Yeah, today was way better than last year. I received flowers delivered to my job from someone who isn't even dating me, because he is an amazing friend and understands that little gestures matter on holidays like this.

 

So good riddance. I bet you're relieved to not have the pressure of v-day. Honestly, so am I. I had a lot of fun today and felt more loved and appreciated by my family and friends than I did when I was with you.

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Today was hard... last year we had a great vday and this year we aren't even speaking. On top of that I miss my mom terribly. Way too much loss lately. I wanted to text you all day. I know if I did or if I asked you for anything you would do it for me...well except the one thing I want the most which is for you to be that man I fell in love with. Not the cold distant alcoholic liar you turned into. I am really trying to stay positive and keep moving forward. I wonder if you even think of me anymore? I bet you are more relieved then anything to be out from under all your lies.

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Why do I start having dreams about you again that make me sad? Why do you continue to ruin my days even now. It's been 3 months. I was doing really well but stupid ******* valentines day had to set me back and make me wonder if you were spending it with someone else. I thought I was almost over you but no. I'll never forgive you for this.

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So I breakdown and wish you a Very Happy Valentine's Day and you reply...Happy Vday!...guess I shouldn't have expected anything more than that

I just want to know how will things ever be any different for us??? I feel like it is still so unsettled....not sure why I feel like this but I'm hoping time will change that for me. I still want to be a part of your life which is kinda sad, I think you do too. How I wish we could fast forward a year and see how we will act towards each other then! GOD I miss you sooooo much!!!!!

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