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How can we be friends if you so clearly just want to use me? If you tell lies to me? If you can't say you're sorry? If all I am to you is a puppet to play with and tweak when you feel like it. When you are not able to respect me. When you seem to think that I do not have any respect for myself? You seem to 'want' me to be a pain, hard work, difficult, because that makes it much easier for you. But I'm not, I'm a nice, intelligent person who occasionally makes errors, in other words I am a human being. I also don't put my head in the sand, which seems to be a requirement of your ideal mate. Yet you wouldn't really respect that would you?

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You can't have feelings for two people at the same time, and be truly there for either one. You wern't there for me. You wern't ready. You realised you couldn't do it, and as soon as there was a crack you broke free. But you didn't honour me enough to say so at the time. Maybe you didn't really know what you were doing. But you lied and lied and lied, there is no excuse for that. It's like, after a while, you enjoyed being a b******. Laughing at me. Tthat is cruel, and beneath anything I'd have expected you to do to me.

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When will the hope start fading? Why do I still hope? You were pretty clear and you disappeared, why am I doing this to myself?

I still want you back more than anything, my instict says we will be together again, simply because I can't picture my future without you.

I really need this hope to go away...

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Dear God, please pass this message... R***a, ohhh Honey. I am so so sorry. I wronged you. I betrayed you. I lied to you. But I would give anything just to have that moment back where I would peek in the shower. You wouldnt see me, but you'd be laughing at yourself, dancing and singing. And I would laugh at you too. You looked so so cute. God I miss you. Honey..., if you could see me now. You would be so proud at how far I have come. You could say I am so so proud of my man. He has gone to hell and back with alcoholism. I will never let you down. I hurt because I miss you and I love you dearly. I hurt because of what I did. I was just so so sick. Not a bad person, just so sick. I could have asked you for money, you would probably would have given me $10 or $20. But I was too embarrassed and felt guilty knowing exactly what I was going to spend it on. Ohhh, honey I am so sorry. Dear Lord! I beg of you for forgiveness.

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Sweetie,

 

I know Ur up tonight. As am I. And I want U to know, how BAD I feel about my part in this.

Now, I was re-acting because I was terribly and horribly hurt because I could feel your lack of love. I know I am gonna heal from this and recover, I will be OK even though some days are just flat out horrible like yesterday. But today I feel a little better, and I feel sorry for the email I sent you and your friend. I was trying to make you feel low because of the horrible things you called me all because I wanted my husband to want me. You can't know how horrible it feels to be not wanted by your own husband.

But I should have been the big girl in the relationship, you obviously have severe psychological scars from your past. I'm not saying that in a mean way, you know that you do.

Right now you're sitting at your new computer...that's cool and all, but eventually the real you will come out again with the next girl and you're gonna be worse next time when you break everything and get all abusive even though you think the problem is ME...how many wives will it take for you to see it's also you as well?

 

Anyway I wasn't coming on here to be mean, I just wanted you to know my emails were so horrible that I can hardly open em up. I saved em to see what I wrote, all i saw was red...just like you when you'd break my things and shove me into walls and twist my arms

so I hope you can forgive me, I am working on forgiving you as well

Of course that old saying

 

forgive but don't forget...

 

We can't forget but we can learn to forgive, and I hope you can begin to forgive me for the horrible email.

I will be honest I don't even like that guy I already knew him before you and I met and he never has gotten married and I know he never will so I knew he'd be around to help me out in a pinch, I texted him two days after our divorce to make U furious

But he wasn't new, he was old news luv

I am not interested in him, like U and ur friend seemed to think

I texted him on purpose to hurt you you know...

 

Anyway it's over...I haven't texted him since then I haven't spoken to him since then, I have 0 desire to, come on ;-) you know me better than that, I am not an idiot, I am not shallow I am just vindictive

 

As for me, I could prob forgive U for whatever U did, depending on the mood, but..HOWEVER...see, I don't think you changed at all

You still have psychological issues...

You still have anger, you refuse counseling you refuse anger management and you just punished me with rejection and coldness CONSTANTLY and I am in need of affection

You go on and on about needing "affection and cuddling" (was that you tonight?) and yet you can't even cuddle with your own wife!? at night in bed? you just shoved me away? i mean, what is that. isn't the truth staring U in the face...don't U see AT ALL that you have a problem?

 

sigh,

 

P.S...There's A LOT of hot girls in this city Not only that but women are much more accepting of stuff they can put up with a lot for a long time, also hot women get with mediocre dudes and also young women get with older dudes so lucky you that you can go get someone 10 years younger than you and nobody is gonna think twice. I just truly believe 100%%%%%%%%%% with all of my heart you won't find another me. Nobody will share the same morals, beliefs, values, the same political views, the same goals in life. You got mad at me a lot cause I am brilliant, maybe the smartest chic you knew, nothing got past me. And you are the same!! You were the smartest man I knew. Nothing escaped you and you had a sixth sense from the beginning. You always wanted something better, like the grass was always greener on the other side yet you accused me of the very thing you hated the most in people...that was your flaw that's where U fell....you wanted someone else and not your wife...

 

BUT anyway I wish you well, at least for the night

I hope you find the girl you're looking for...I hope you find happiness.

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I terribly miss you and everything we have. I don't know how i can move on. I'm finding it very hard to let go. If only there is a tool to erase something and someone from our memories, i would have gotten it now. This thing is just so hard. Sometimes i wish you have never asked me out in 2007. Sometimes i wish you were a jerk. But you are not. You treated me right, and i could feel so much love from you. Now i have to deal with forgetting about you. which is the hardest thing to do.

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Not sure why I’m emailing but I just find it hard to walk away from someone who’s been such a huge part of my life for the last year and a half without a word.

 

I’m going away in Jan for 6 months and I just wish you could be happy for me, or at least ask me about my plans, but you’ve chosen to turn your back on me and walk away, without so much as wishing me well? I find it hard to believe you never cared at all. We were cool and happy. Even if you are seeing someone else, there’s no reason to treat me as though I never existed, especially now I’m leaving London.

 

Obviously you have your reasons, but whatever they are, if you can’t be happy for me, and blanking me is the easiest thing for you to do, that’s your decision, but I just wanted to say take care, as, even if the last year and a half meant nothing to you, it meant a huge amount to me.

 

So take care...

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I know I am totally abusing this thread but I am so angry right now I just need to vent it. I hate you. I hate that you came into my life and made me so happy, gave me all the best times, made me think I was loved and valued, then just go and throw me away like I'm nothing. I hate that I fell so blindly in love. I hate that you were my first love and the first person I ever slept with. I hate how much I gave of myself to you. I feel I've given it all away and now you have all of me and I am left with this shell. I hate so much that I sacrificed my whole life for you, took a loan out to pay for the move here and am now paying off more than I can afford for the next 3 years. I hate that everything reminds me of you. I hate that you are not the person I thought you were. I hate that I feel shellshocked still after 3 months. I hate that all I can think of is you. I hate that I allow you to treat me like a doormat, ignore me, discard me, use me, be nasty to me and then say i love you and have me falling at your feet all over again. I hate that you live in your lovely house with your family while I suffer here alone in this empty place I moved to just to be close to you. I hate that you will never know how it feels to love someone more than you love yourself, and I hate that you are selfish and self righteous. I hate that I have yet again been ignored by you, after requesting a straightforward answer from you after all the time we invested in our past...I hate that you are a coward who can't bear to tell me the truth. I hate that I love you so * * * * ing much and that I would still take a bullet for you and probably will feel the same for all my life. I hate that you are the one that got away and that I might lie in my bed as an old woman thinking of what could have been. I hate the person I have become. I hate myself.

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What a rubbish day. I can't believe you won't give me closure and tell me we wil never be again. If you did that I could give this hope up. I hate that when I look back on our RL I will think of this 4 months of pain and not the 5 years of Love.

 

God help me let you go and ease my pain, I love you so much, we could have been so happy.

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Sometimes, unexpectedly it hits me from nowhere. I think I'm fine, then something triggers it off. I suddenly feel so alone, like I've only just found out. Like it's only just happened. Something must have happened to make you change. And it can't just have been something I did. I loved you so much. I love you still. I miss you - and I kid myself that I understand what'd happened. Sometimes it seems clear, and sometimes it doesn't and it hits me raw, like now. All that initial hope, love, wonder, luck just gone - and in such a mean way - you were selfish and mean and forgot me. What did I do? Did you find out something? Did you read my diary? What changed you? I feel sick to think you are gone, again. To think that another girl, girls plural, will look at you and fancy you as much as I ever did. I didn't think it bothered me, but suddenly it does. It does.

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I put myself in his shoes.

 

I could hardly remember the things he & I did together, and he could remember the tiniest details of it.. what I wore, what we did, what I said..

 

I could remember what you & I did, every little details of it. You did snapped at me so many times, the same way I had when I was with him.

 

I think God wanted me to see how little I meant to you. He and I.. I love him, he is the best person I ever be with.. but he isn't you.

 

And reverse that.. you'd say: "She and I.. I love her, she is the best person I ever be with.. but she isn't you".

 

Your heart belonged to your ex-wife. Whoever you dated.. now or future.. it's going to be just a pebble in the sea.

 

I love him. We've been together for 1.5years. 1 year longer than you and I.

 

And yet, at times, I found myself thinking about you.

 

I am just a pebble in the sea. Just.

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Im so angry I could scream and I want to contact you and tell you how awful you are but you wouldnt reply and I would feel ten times worse. I switched my old phone on last night and you hadnt replied to my text on 18/11 asking you something. You had just ignored it. You texted me twice this week instead - ten days after I had text you - with no reference to my question. Just another generic 'hows the kitten' text followed by the next day ''have you changed your number?'' . This proves to me you have met someone else. I could scream im so angry with you. the fact you think i have changed my number because of you probably flatters you - well in fact I still have that number but i am CHOOSING not to contact you - and what do you expect after not hearing from you for nearly 2 weeks???? youre an idiot. i hope she dumps you so you can feel it too.

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You better hurry up or you will lose me forever...and I won't come back. You are taking such a risk and you don't even realise it, because I have let you walk all over me for 4 months and it stops soon. I wish I didn't love you so much or I would have done it long ago. 'It's not as easy as yes or no?'...bull * * * * ...give me an answer or I am done.

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