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Dear X,

 

I drove by and saw you working on your car and all I wanted to do was pull over and talk to you. I haven't missed you until recently, and it feels like I've already forgotten how you treated me like crap and assumed I'd be there for you to fall back on. We made plans for our future and all you did was think of yourself. I miss you so much and I don't even know why because I wasn't happy when we were together. I just want to know that you miss me. I've wanted to be with you the whole time, and it was so hard for me to say no when you assumed we were still together, but I can't justify you dropping off of the face of the planet for a month with no reason or warning just to return one day and assume I'd be willing to wait for you. You're selfish and immature, but I miss you for the good that I got to see that you didn't show other people. I wish you could have made me a higher priority, and I wish you would have tried to make up for leaving instead of assuming I wasn't worth the work. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn't happy and that if I had any self respect I would stand by my decision to stay away, but I can't break the feeling of wanting to stay connected to you. Thinking of you being single and being with other people makes me insane, and I catch myself day-dreaming about you finally making it up to me and proving that you care enough to try and get back together, but I know that will never happen. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to let you go when you became such a big part of me. I hope you miss me more than I miss you, and I hope you regret what you did for a long time to come.

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It's the 6th day of no contact and I was proud of myself......until this morning. I woke up feeling crappy and I don't want to do anything today. Laid in my bed, having hopes of what could be in the near future, but I know I'm just fooling myself. It's already 2pm and I haven't eaten at all. My stomach is growling but I have no appetite whatsoever. I have to figure out a way to get over this... I hate you for making me feel this way!

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Today is one of those days where I just can't find the willpower to get out of bed. I don't have the energy.

 

I don't know what it is. Probably just that everything in my life is going downhill. I always think it can't get any worse. I tell myself, "This is rock bottom. No where to go but up." But I'm always wrong.

 

And I keep trying and trying to make things better, but it doesn't work. I feel that I don't have control over any aspect of my life.

 

I got really drunk last night, and then my roommate and her boyfriend were having really loud sex in her room. And I just thought to myself, "I need to get out of here."

 

So even though it was freezing outside, I walked all the way to the library, the last place where I saw you. You weren't there, of course. Not many people were. So I walked back. The whole time, I just kept thinking about everything, about what we used to share and how it's all gone now. Then I thought about the last guy I was with, your friend, and how I lost him too, as both a lover and a friend. I saw him for the last time ever last night, by the way. He didn't seem to care at all that we'd never see each other again. Just like you. Just like everyone.

 

Why am I so easy to forget? What is so very wrong with me that no one wants me?

 

And I had this dream last night where you changed your profile picture to a picture of the two of us. That was it.

 

Then I had to wake up.

 

All I want is a time machine. All I want is to turn back time. I'm never satisfied. I always want what I've lost. I always want what other people have. I'm never happy, not for very long. There's always something missing. There's always something more that I want.

 

I was happy when I was with you. And before you, I was happy when I was with my first love, even happier than when I was with you.

 

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be the kind of person whose happiness rests on whether or not there's someone in her life. It shouldn't be like that. But I don't know how to change. I don't know how to make these feelings go away.

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My best friend has had 3 of her exes contact her in the past month. She hasn't spoken to any of them in well over a year.

 

Again, I want what someone else has. None of my exes ever contact me again. Even the ones I don't really miss, if I saw them, I'd have some sort of reaction, but to them, I'm just a normal person. It's like nothing ever happened. I hate how completely unremarkable I am.

 

I hate that you don't seem to remember anything that happened between us. When I saw you for the first time after the break-up, you seemed totally normal. I was just any other person, just a stranger. How is this possible? How can you forget?

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i love you.

i can't sleep anymore, i can't eat. i just sit up all night crying.

i'm not even going to uni now because i'm too terrified i'll never ever have a chance with you again. i don't want to lose you forever. i bought you a present that i won't even give to you and i drew a tattoo that i want to get but it'd be for all the wrong reasons and it'd only hurt me more to look at it, why am i so stupid. i even wanted you to be the one that does it still. i hate myself, you were right, i'm a horrible thing. i just want one more hug, i miss your smell.

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you know what, I know what kind of person you are:

 

so many people are like you. They take their loved ones for granted, always looking ahead for something else--even if it's seedy and disgusting and creepy--somehow they pretend it's part of the fantasy in their head rather than the pathetic charade it is in reality. I used to pretend my life away too sometimes, that's why I put up with you.

 

You're the kind of guy that is a slave to obligation and duty, but you have no warmth. I could never be in a marriage like that. You really don't even know how to be a man, you feel effete and rather than discovering what manhood really is, you think life is about being an actor--because you don't really feel up to it, you think the pretending is just as good as the real thing. That's sad.

 

You half ass things like that all the time, because you are afraid to sit back for a minute and actually pay attention to the world around you. How can you expect to be great if you can't even see the details that need attending to in the first place? You think it's enough to always be running, when you have no direction. What is the point, _______?

 

I don't care though. That's not how I live. You're very ordinary, half formed, you're like a cloud evaporating in the afternoon sun. I'm bigger than you. I have substance. That will carry me though in ways I'm not sure you can imagine.

 

and you, you're like a work of art--just lifeless, inanimate, covered in script--carefully inscribed--but you're just a relic in the making.

I loved you the way a child loves a toy. I knew you weren't really real but I wanted to pretend so badly.

 

I just didn't want to be lonely anymore, and I thought maybe you would eventually become a better person. I would have given you more chances you know, if you weren't a cheater. But I can't do that to myself. Now I've just opened my heart to every desire be it fleeting or deep and I just let it all in. And then my desire for you feels like a compromise. I always figured better to get 60-70% of what you want rather than less or nothing at all. When I expect perfection--you're not even on my radar.

 

that's just it...does it disappoint you? you're not my ideal, you know that? I just thought you were enough. You just crushed every hope that people could get by on just enough. I could have been satisfied with creating a bond through shared experiences but you are so incredibly--just not alive. You don't live in the world, you live like you are the only one--and I can imagine why you feel so lonely and insecure all the time. You don't even know that being selfish isn't about getting the best for yourself, but about missing out on an entire life and never knowing another human being.

 

That's your problem! by the way, NOT mine. If you're lonely, and weird inside and hiding it from other people, that's not my problem. I am happy and I'm not going to let you interfere with my happiness. I have found my 'heaven' or perfect world--right here, and I don't need people like you who don't understand how absolutely fun it is to be alive. As much as my heart bleeds for your pain, and for the pain of others who bring heartache to the ones they are supposed to be close to, that's just a * * * * ing waste of time.

 

I used to hate being so brave and unafraid of almost anything--but it really is a gift. dfgfkdlgdgdf;dl I wish there was more to say but I don't think there is.

I think if I would have been honest with you about what I knew about you--our dynamic would have been different. Did you really think I didn't know your secrets? I'm not talking about the cheating, _______. I don't know if you could have handled how straightforward am sometimes. but sometimes I wonder if you have become a different kind of person had I only been honest with you about the extent of my maturity rather than pretending that we were coming from the same place.

 

i did it because I wanted you to like me--and I wanted to be nice to you. And you took that as a sign to disrespect me in every way possible. Don't you know--that I gave you permission to do that? If you don't, then you really just might be a lot stupider than I thought. if so, what a joke my suffering has been.

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note to the ex:

 

i saw the other day how you are doing everything that we used to do... I guess that is something that you miss about me. (they were all my ideas like 99% of the time) You didn't move on, but you're indeed lost. It's pretty sad.

Even a lot of sucky things happened since summer, I am doing okay. I can confidently say that I am okay when anyone asks. I don't need something or a human being to fill a "void". I am glad that I was set free, because if I wasn't. I would have to deal with all of your verbal and physical abuse. You were a very mean person. You know how to manipulate people. I am now a stronger person. I will no longer take crap from anyone. So glad I don't have to put up with you anymore.

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Dear M

 

So you're seeing someone else. Its all exciting and new and you're texting her 50 times a day right? like you used to do with me. I was so disposable wasnt I?

Well maybe you should tell your new child/girlfriend that you have commitment phobia before you get too involved with her? or maybe she is THE ONE. How amazing for you. Do me a favour? Get on that stupid plane and go around the world like you said you were doing. And take your new bit of skirt with you. Oh you're probably taking her anyway 'cos shes the one right.

* * * * YOU

 

I'm on the same boat. Funny how they always need to do trade ins. Hilarious. They are just lost.

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Miss you..want you...love you...can't stop thinking about you. Know you love me too and just don't understand. My heart is aching for you. I pray for the day you have me back, never mind getting over this. Don't want to get over you. You're wonderful...the most special person in the world. The bond we share, noone knows. I love you love bug xxxxxxxx

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I went out with my girlfriends and had a great time. I thought about you once or twice. I had a great meat fondue and I thought about you. You'd love it. I love you, and I don't know if I'll ever feel indifferent when thinking about you. Yesterday I couldn't sleep and I started fantasizing about what we'd say about each other at our wedding. I wish I'd never loved you as much as I do, if in the end we won't be together anyways. I know it's all over. But I'm sure you don't even think about me, it's too soon for you to be missing me and you must be talking to every girl that gives you attention, which is not hard because you're really handsome and interesting. But you know what? I'm pretty, cute, intelligent, interesting and sexy and tonight I had guys checking me out. And I know if you saw that you'd be so jealous.

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