HoliPoli
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Posts
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Day 20 for me also. Nice to see someone else with the exact same count even though the circumstances suck. 3 weeks is the longest we've ever gone w/o speaking. I want to move on and be happy, but happy doesn't seem to want me right now. I think it would all be different if I wasn't betrayed so badly. I can't wait for the day I forget him and what he did to me.
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day 18 nc. not so much as a peek. what stops the tears from missing my best friend is when i tell myself that at least i'm not being verbally abused anymore- he cant hurt me if i stay away. everyone does it for their own reason. one day we will all smile again.
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It's been a long time since I've been here. I admit, I didn't want to come back because I had some pretty extreme differences of opinion of some of the other posters. I've had a change of heart and now I see things differently. I want to share my story. I was one of the ones using NC as a way to get back with my ex. It worked somewhat, but DO NOT let that encourage you. I wish I never would have gotten back in contact with him because it only allowed him to hurt me more. More abuse, more cruelty, more nasty behavior. I'm in a place right now that is worse than when we first broke up back in late October. Nothing could have prepared me for this, but I can say that HAD I LISTENED and grieved then moved on then I'd be over the worst of it now instead of reliving it. A lesson for those of you trying to legitimately heal and move on. DO NOT check up on them. Delete or block any social media page that will lead you to seek them out. The pain of seeing them with someone else is not worth putting yourself through. Trust me that it tears you apart from the inside out. Be better than that. I put 6 months of every ounce of energy I had to improve myself so we could be together. I tried to be his version of perfect and it made me crack. I am to blame for my own hurt right now as he's with someone else not thinking of me at all. I can't wait for the day that passes when I do not once think of him or the hurt he caused. Officially 14 days no contact. Forever to go.
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If you mean me I suppose you could come on out and say so. Fine, I don't need to post here if it's going to get nothing but indirect complaints. for a time this thread was full of supportive people then the Nazis had to come in.
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Sometimes I feel so lucky that we are even on speaking terms at all when i know so many don't even get that chance. At the same time I'm ashamed at how much pain Ive allowed myself because I havent enforced NC.
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I can't follow NC for the life of me. I mean well and have all the right intentions but just follow my own path anyway. I do have to say that he is just as guilty as I am as he doesn't enforce NC either. Last night we "fought" then ended up hanging out for a couple of hours and had fun. I know this in no way means we are getting back together and I wouldn't anyway as I KNOW he hasn't changed one bit. Our "fights" consist of him complaining about my freak outs and i snap back and tell him that if he doesn't want me around anymore to just say so. He brought up the fact that the longest we've gone w/o speaking is 2 weeks so I demanded he give me his perfect time frame that I need to disappear. He backed down from that. I know in a sense he doesn't want to lose me and me him. I just hate that it's taking it's mental toll on me. Clearly we've broken up, but we both have this sick power over each other. I'm going to have to use these mentally strong days to enforce NC because as long as I'm available to him he wont ever change or see me any different than the girl he dumped and is just hanging out with until he finds someone else to put up with him.
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Hard to believe that Christmas is just days away. I'm sick to my stomach with no appetite and can't eat. I'm worried that my progress is going backward rapidly. The not crazy part of my mind knows this is wrong because it has been nearly 2 months. Going out is much harder, i can't answer the phone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I find the energy to check the forums but can't even stay on the computer long because it's full of memories and too easy to find him. Decorating the tree tonight is going to be a struggle. I just DO NOT want to do it. My child is missing him more as well. He "sees" him everywhere and I have to correct him and tell him "No it's not him." GUT WRENCHING.
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I think that's true except when it comes to ending it. =(
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It's OK. I think our minds are only wired for loss being in the form of death. I'm sure we've all wished this at some point in our BU. If they died in a tragic accident then the pain would make sense. 8 years ago while I was in college and still "stupid" I married my boyfriend who was in the Army and leaving for Iraq. I saw him once on leave and then he never made it back home. I feel guilty that my mind handled his death better then my current BU. I've had relationships since the death of my husband and before my current ex, but I was finally invested and ready for a real future.
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*raises hand* I'm probably guiltiest of that right now. Its hard when you're attempting to heal, but also reconcile the friendship. We're not supposed to have it both ways, but i'm determined. Somehow.
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As for me I'm having a rather calm evening/night. It feels good to not be an emotional wreck and I don't think I've cried all day. NC really helps and not having the ex in your face really helps also. I'm so happy he was kind yesterday. I'm not reading more into it, I swear.
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Oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It makes sense when they say not to "stalk" them. Seeing that would just make me sick and set my healing back even more.
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No don't look! Log off! (Is that what "time off" means?) It's killing me to not look where I know I'll find him, but I promised myself. I must regain power.
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Day 1 For my situation, I've learned that as long as both parties are willing, in time contact can be OK as long as there is no talk about the BU. I'm going to take as much time as I need to calm down then I'd like to go a solid week without crying and extra time of simply being calm before I even think about contact again. Today is 7 weeks since BU. I'm sure that if I had gone NC cold turkey I wouldn't be going through this pain this far into the BU, but also we wouldn't have this sort of friendship truce with him.