thelastsong

I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have accepted your friend request. Now I can just scroll through your wall whenever I want and just torture myself because God knows there's nothing I love more than putting myself through unnecessary pain. I was doing so well. Now I've set myself back. I could blame you for sending the request, but the only person I can really blame is myself, for clicking "accept." It just makes me feel worthless to see all those posts and pictures of you literally surrounded by girls so much prettier than me, and I'm just laying here knowing that even though the time we spent together was special to me and you meant something to me, you don't feel that way. I'm forgettable. I'm not special at all. I'm just another girl in your harem. I mean nothing to you. I'm not special at all.

I really miss you right now.

Why didn't you even say goodbye? I mean, I understand that you feel nothing for me, and I was just a toy for you to play with for a short time, but it's just childish and immature to vanish like this. You were the one who wanted to be friends. You were the one who said he missed me sooooo much and wanted me to be his girlfriend, oh if only things were different, etc. Bullcrap, wasn't it? But at least say goodbye! Come on! You can't send me long emails every other day for weeks and then just stop! This isn't fair!

Why do I keep f***ing doing this to myself? Why can't I just have feelings for someone who cares about me for a change? This is the same stupid thing as what happened last November, and I'm going through it again even though I SWORE I would do everything I could to keep it from happening... I really hate this. Why do I always hurt myself like this?

I miss you. I miss you so f***ing much.

Well, here I am. It's been a year since you left me. It's been almost 9 months since I last spoke to you. I sort of feel... defeated. I'm still here a year later, still in pain and still missing you. I've done so many amazing things in this past year, and I've realized so many things about you and about the relationship and about myself. But I'm still waiting for it to stop hurting. I hate this. I really hate this.

The anniversary of our break-up is on Saturday. I've got my schedule as crammed as possible in order to not think about it. I know if I stay at home, I'll just cry all day. I don't want that. I was so miserable on what would have been our 2 year anniversary that I almost couldn't stand it. I can't wait until I am fully, completely, 100% over you.

Happy birthday, darling. I used the money I would have spent on a present for you to take myself to a wonderful show. I wonder what your fiancee got you? I bet it wasn't a laptop. Boy, that was a waste of my money, and less than a week before you dumped me! But you kept repeating that you were so lucky, and your father took me aside and told me that after spending a week with me, he believed I was a very good person. And that night, you and I sat outside and looked at the stars. I was so happy.

I really miss the way you used to gaze in my eyes and smile. No one has ever looked at me like that before. It was as if there was a warm glow coming from you. I could tell that you loved me. How could that change? How could that ever possibly go away?

"Did you see the light in my heart? Did you see the sweat on my brow? Did you see the fear in my heart? Did you see me bleeding out? I loved you in the best way possible..."

How ironic. Today my friends and I decided to have a picnic in the park. We played frisbee and badminton. I kept looking around and looking at everyone and everything thinking that if you hadn't left me, I would never have met any of these people or seen this beautiful place. Is it worth it? All of the good things that have happened to me since you left... given the chance, would I give them up to get you back? I don't know, and I'm glad I don't have to make that decision, but I am thankful for all I've experienced since you walked away. If we were still together, we'd probably just be watching some dumb movie right now. I hated that about our relationship. That's all we ever did. I'm too adventurous for you. I know you'd like to fancy yourself as such, but your actions tell a different tale. I don't have you to hold me back anymore.

I'm quickly approaching the one year mark. Yes, I'm a heck of a whole lot better than I was right after you walked away from my life, but I still hurt. I still have these nightmares. I still think of you and start to cry. I want that to stop. I want the pain to stop. I don't want you back. I don't want revenge. I just want it all to go away. I just want this entire thing to melt into the past like mist. I realized last night that I can no longer readily remember your face, and it made me a little sad. I'm sure I could if I really tried, but I don't want to. I can almost feel something in my brain blocking me from doing that. I even have two pictures saved somewhere on my computer that I haven't had the strength to delete yet. They were good pictures of us, taken less than a month before you broke up with me. "What a beautiful couple!" the woman who took them said. Do you remember? It was such a nice afternoon. We had a picnic with friends in the park. We played frisbee and badminton. I shouldn't be remembering this. I should be forgetting. I should be letting go. I have to try harder.

Today has been an unexpectedly bad day. The room got really hot last night (useless A/C unit), so naturally I just had nightmares. You came back to me, and we were cuddling in bed when I asked if you would give us another chance. You said no and left again, and it was horrible. I'm going out with friends tomorrow night. I haven't gone out in months, so I'm excited. I think I'm gradually transitioning to that point where I don't miss you as much as I just miss being with someone. I miss being hugged. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having that special connection to someone, where you feel like there isn't some kind of barrier in between you two and you can just be yourself all the time, good or bad. I feel like I'll never be in another relationship again. I've never been popular with guys. I don't really have people skills to begin with. All my friends are pairing off and getting engaged, but I'm just stuck here alone. I have so many relatives who never married or had a long-term relationship (and not because they didn't want one) that I feel like it runs in the family. My friends sometimes ask me why I put up with you and how horribly you treated me. Heck, your friends asked me that. It's because I didn't want you to leave me. I was so desperate to keep you around that I would have sacrificed anything, and I did give up a lot for you. But I ended up losing you anyways. If giving my best wasn't good enough, how can I expect someone else to want me?

It really doesn't matter how many guys ask for my number. It means nothing to me. I feel detached from it, like I'm playing a game. I don't want to be popular with guys. I just want you to love me again.

Happy anniversary, darling. I hope she was worth it.