LizzieD

I jsut apologize to my ex andtold him that the reason i treated him bad was because of you. He's gone. So were you. He's gone, mark. he was gone. I wish I've never turned around and kissed yuou in hat balcony. I wish I never did. I wished I walked away. I wish.

I'm drunk - I'm cleaning up apartment to move out. It's so good to down that special anniversary Jack D. You SOB. I miss you so much. I can't tell you under normal circumstances. I don't know how to. I told you what happened during 2008. I realized that if that never happen, I would never, ever give you up so easily. I miss you so much. this much: [] Smaller than your penile measurement, but what the hell, I just want to get it out. I had never, ever stopped loving you. I always wondered how things would be now, if we'd still be together. I was wrong to have wanted to settle down. But I just DO NOT WANT to let you go. I never did. That's why I almost proposed to you. Because I loved you. I LOVE YOU. Remember that time when I argued why you fill up Sergey's car's tank full, while you didn't do the same to me? You yelled and said SHUT UP. I AM PAYING NOW, AM I NOT? I love you so much. When you said that, my heart breaks. I know you wanted out. You're begging for an out. I know, whatever I did, do, going to do, will not stop you from leaving. I WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO LEAVES BEFORE YOU LEAVE. Because I know I'd die if you leave me first. I don't want you to leave, even thogh I predicted that you WOULD LEAVE soon. You never fought for us. Never. I wished you had loved me even for a bitl You never want to even stay. You said no when I asked you back. I KNOW this is too late. Why do you think I'm drunk writing? Mr Victory, you win. I lost, OK. Ii'd rather leave than being left. i'd rather lose you to some hot chick. You live in a country which makes it impossible to arrive. You do everything possible to tell me how small/minute I was in your eyes. And yet, I love you. I am stupid, but at least I know I am. You, just walk away like your ex wife did on a marriage. I NEVER CHEATED. You ex-wife married and now has a kid. How much do you need to date around before you realize I'm the one and only? I mever could let u go. I never could surpass her hot level. She's your one and only. I'm glad you did walk away from what could have been. You never loved me to begin with I knew that I still hung around like some kind of puppy dog. Love was one and only chance. Have faith, mark. You'll need it.

7 days to go! Oh, I'm leaving my current job. That feels good. I hate being at home and working odd hours for on-call. If I could re-normalized my life, you will be gone, right? I want normalcy reinstated in my life.

I wish it was that simple. LOL. I'll try regardless.

Hey, I was testing out this inotify kernel feature - which basically lets you do whatever you want when a file is being written with the use of incrond - so i was testing it out. Because I'm too lazy to do manual tedious job and if I could be *not* lazy this one time, and write that script, deploy it to central server, and I don't have to unzip bz2 file, extract data out and display it out MANUALLY. Which I had been doing all my life. Time to put a stop to this, of course. Anything to let me be legitimately lazy is good. So, I wrote a file in /tmp directory as a root. It works. But the content of that file was written at a low point in my life. if i could have gone back to the past, i wish for only 1 thing: i wish i had never known you. i don't care if i felt the feeling i've been longing to feel all my life. i don't care if i felt the connection i've been looking for in my life. i don't care. i don't want to know anything about you. i don't want to feel the happiness i felt when i was with you and knowing it would never happen again. It goes on and on begging to God to erase the memory. I wish it would come true someday. When people have either invented time machine OR memory-erasure device, that would be possible. I think it's the latter. Oh. The automation thing is working. I guess I just needed that vent-out, clear out my head part, and have a go at solving life-mystery-of-legit-laziness. This is the 3rd year we knew each other, 2 years since we last met. You're still few thousand kilometres away from me. Nothing has changed. You and your hyperthreading-dating mode. Me, I've been single for the past 6 months. Doing everything possible to keep you away from my thoughts. It works sometimes. But at times, it will rear its ugly head and bite me. I will stay single for few more months. Mom's fixing me up with this Plane engineer dude. M, I think I will give in to the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone other than you. I feel like I'm stuck right now, afraid to move on. I want to move on. I will move on. Maybe the secret to this is NOT how to erase/forget you. But it's about making new memories with someone else. Better memories with a better man. And give in to the fact (and fate) that we were not meant for each other. We never were. I give up. I'll let you go now. Be free, find love, be good. I'll make new memories and my brain will pop our memories off the stack.

Hey, How are you? I am feeling good right now I met someone who's like you.. whom I call "Irritatingly perfect". He's a great guy. The difference was minute, but the difference between who I was and who I am now.. is huge. I doubted myself too much on whether should I have brought him to the wedding or not. Maybe I should have gone alone. But there he was, in the photo shoot with the groom (who is my friend). Then, I doubted if I was meant to be there, then, I was picked as the lucky single lady who owns a new garter (from the bride). I doubted too much. I enjoyed his company immensely for 4 days. The day that I left, the day that he saw me off.. that day I cried in the limo and in the plane. I know it was not love. I know it was a mere attraction, perhaps a crush. But I have this feeling that, for now, this is good enough. It's good that I could cry for another man. It's good to feel the pain in my heart for him because that made me feel alive. For once, it was not about you. It had been 2 long years of suffering since I lost you. Perhaps, M.. Perhaps, this is a sign that I have finally moved on. That moment, in time.. Even if I have time-machine, that moment would have stayed the same. It would always be me, hugging him and kissing him on the neck. I made no promises, I did not say goodbye. That is good enough for me. I will not, have not, am not asking for more. That is good enough for me.

Oh, and.. I had only dated 1 guy for the past 2 years, and had sex with 2. He is not going to be a rebound

Hey M, 2 years ago, we broke up by the roadside. You burnt my heart-shaped chocolate box right in front of me. Evil. Pure evil. I met a guy who's great but I was in a relationship, so, I didn't pursue. Now, I'm single again. I am hoping he'll take the flight out and meet me. I am praying for that to happen. I like him a lot. I know it's not going to go anywhere but I do not want to sit and wondered if things would be good between me and him. He's the geek that I mentioned to you before. The one that I could talk about anything to him. I wish he'll make the flight. Hey, wish me luck. If this goes well, I could finally put an end to the possibility of 'us'. I could move on and get your shadow off my life. Things would be great. I wish. I hope.

Hey, you visited my LinkedIn profile. Thank you for the visit. It's tad weird for you to do it. Oh well.

I met you in my dream yesterday night. We met in a conference. And afterwards, we went out drinking. You said how much you missed me and was drinking heavily. I stood there and looked at you on how much you were suffering. I left the bar. I went back to the conference the next day and I was surprised you weren't around. I was waiting for you and it hits me.. You always disappear. Then, I woke up. LOL. Hell hath no fury like a man waking me up before a dream finishes. I pity the guy He wanted to go for breakfast. I went bowling a couple of days ago and they had lane problems where my pins need to be reset a couple of times. I scored great the first time, then, they reset mine. I was pissy and ended up bowling off the lane (LOL). I was a gutter cleaner. So, my point is: Just because you have a second chance where the first time was great, it does NOT mean the 2nd chance will make it even better. Just cherish the first time around because there will be no better time. The 2nd chance will not be as good as the 1st one. It will be worse. M, Our 1st time was great. Amazing. You dumped me by the roadside. You did that. It wasn't me. You said we can't do this. Even how much you were suffering and how much you blamed me for dumping you the 2nd time, the first time was destroyed by you. The 1st time was all we had. Our time had ended a long time ago. It is time to move on.

Hey, I saw someone looks like you at the pool bar. The height and the accent. I went to look (I was in the VIP room and you were outside). And I saw your parents with a tanned girl, barely covering breasts tank top with see-through overalls. She's hot. I looked at her and I smiled. I wasn't jealous at all. Is that weird? But as you were adjusting your pool shot, I looked at you and I realized that I missed you. Just you. I don't care whom you're with. Or even whom you're going to end up with. All I ask for me to miss you from afar. I will not ask you to come back, I will not share how I felt, how I missed you. I am asking for the permission to miss you and to look at you from afar. I am not the woman whom you're going to spend the rest of your life with. I am not going to be the mother of your children. I don't want any of those. I accepted that. I like looking at how happy you are right now. I am probably stupid or something but I am seriously and honestly happy that you're happy. My love for you will always be there. Be assured of that. You will never know this. But writing this makes me feel better. And this. This is good enough for me

I have nothing to say, really. I started to... talk with this guy. Maybe I'll give this a try even though he definitely and totally out of my league. In a bad way. I come from high standing family, earn awesome money, I am intelligent and I am talented. In bed. This guy is not intelligent. Probably intelligent in comparison to his circle. His talk of nothing annoys me. He doesn't earn as much as me (not even close). I'm 29, and he's 39 (divorced. HA! Where are non-divorced men in this world?). Granted, my new manager said I'm being paid more than the MEN in the dept and they had been doing their job as long as they live. But I want a companion which would not be a burden to me. I am sick of meeting less intelligent people in my life. You're the most intelligent men I've dated in my life. So intelligent that I felt so inferior. You get most things I said. I will try harder. I will find someone.

"Had we met under different circumstances, that would have been a fantastic first date. But either way, I have a great time tonight. Thank you."

I had nothing to say to you, really. Met a guy whom I have disappeared on previously. My dad met this guy and passed his phone number to me to call up and discussed about a laptop that I was supposed to get for my youngest sister. Well, yeah. He said he enjoyed talking to me. I did too. I've never dated anyone from my own race/kind. Not even from the same country. So, I'm recently single again. Got talking again and God, I HATE IT. I hate talking to him. But it's good to have someone to talk to once in a while. You see, talking in my own native language makes me have this headache (as I had to reset thinking language from English to native language) BUT at the same time, Love in English doesn't quite cut it as "love" in my own language. No, not L word or whatever. Just some jokes about English Premier League thingy. Jokes are funnier in my language. Hahahaha. Also, I do realize that if I do really date this guy, he will propose to me. And I might say yes. And I will reproduce. LOL. I am scared of the prospect of settling down with someone who isn't you, to be honest. If I can't get you, I want someone who is close enough like you (preferably into texting and calling, not afraid of falling madly in love). Better version of you, perhaps? I have never gone out with him yet. Do you reckon I should? You were my best friend (for a short 6 months). I wish I could ask you this question and I wish I could hear your opinion about this. I am afraid of falling in love again. Maybe, this is the best for me. I am going to seal up my heart. Close it down forever. I gave up on love.

Sigh. I ended things with R just now. Feel sad but I need to be alone. I don't want to keep coming back to the same man. 1.5 years. Yes, M. That was longer than any of your relationships post-your-divorce. Definitely longer than 'our' 'relationship'. Ha!