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I want to breakup; he doesn't...


DakotaSkye

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So many things have happened in this relationship that I finally decided that we were never going to work. The problem I have now is stopping him from continuing to try and make it work. We dated for 3 1/2 years, then we broke up. He called me a month later, we decided to try again, and a couple weeks later, we broke up again. We were separated for about 2 1/2 weeks and he called me last weekend, asking me to try it again. I was DONE with all of this because it was just one big roller coaster of emotions for me. Nothing ever got better and I wasn't ready to go back to the way things were, especially after experiencing freedom, if only for a short time. I was apprehensive, but I decided to try again because this time he really did sound sincere about it. He admitted some of his faults and was more sensitive about my feelings, but he also admitted that he wouldn't always be able to do that for me.

 

It's nearly impossible for me to accurate depict our relationship, but one of the major things that bothered me was my lack of freedom. While he didn't forbid me from hanging out with friends or planning my own things, he certainly liked to make me feel guilty about everything. For example, a few days ago, I invited him to come to this carnival that the local church was having. I like to go, but it's always awkward with him because he makes it clear that he doesn't want to be there. A few of my friends were going and I decided to invite him, even though I knew he'd hate it. We ended up having a 20 minute discussion about it, with me saying, "Don't go if you don't want to, it's fine." And him saying, "Well, if I don't go, then I guess I won't see you the rest of the night." So I told him, trying to accommodate him, that I could call him after and we'd hang out. He told me a few times he didn't really want to go because it bored him. After a lengthy conversation, I was under the impression that he didn't want to go and that I would just call him later (thus cutting my night with my friends short, but I was ok with that).

 

So the night of the carnival comes and I decided to hang out with him before so we could have more time together. At about 3 I told him that I was meeting my friends at 8. He immediately got upset with me and claimed that by saying "I'M meeting my friends" that I was uninviting him. I reminded him that he said he didn't want to go, and he told me he hadn't decided yet, but apparently I had already made that decision for him.

 

I got upset about it because something that should have been as simple as "yes, I want to go" or "no, but call me later" turned into this huge ordeal. My reaction to it was probably excessive, but I was tired of these events happening ALL THE TIME, for the past 3 1/2 years.

 

I'm tired of always having to accommodate his desires and having to be so careful about what I say and do. Everything is on his terms, and I'm tired of walking on eggshells. This relationship isn't right. I look at my friends and their husbands and boyfriends, and I know something is missing from our relationship.

 

After the last breakup, I promised myself I'd never do it again. I forced myself to be over him, and I was. When we got back together, my feelings were completely different. I know that I wasn't completely committed. After so many breakups, why would I invest all that energy and emotion only to be hurt again? Those feelings are gone.

 

A couple nights ago, however, he told me that he would always come back to me because he believes we're meant to be together. I told him that, with all the fighting, it wasn't healthy for either of us. He said he didn't care, and that if we loved each other it wouldn't matter. After everything that's happened though, over the course of our long relationship, I honestly believe I'm not in love with him anymore. All the things that have happened have seriously damaged me. I can't feel love for him when all we do is argue, when he doesn't understand me, when he makes me feel guilty and trapped, and when he's not listening to anything I say. In my heart I know this isn't right. It used to be that I was so in love with him, I'd do whatever it took to make him happy, even if it meant giving up my own dreams (which I would have to do because he admitted he had no concept of compromise).

 

I've changed a lot since we first got together and my priorities are different. I love him because we have a lot of history together and we've grown up together, but that doesn't mean we're meant to be together. Am I wrong for having given up on this relationship? Is it wrong of me to not want to be in this relationship, purely for my own sake? He's so adamant about being with me, I can't stand the thought of breaking his heart...

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So the night of the carnival comes and I decided to hang out with him before so we could have more time together. At about 3 I told him that I was meeting my friends at 8. He immediately got upset with me and claimed that by saying "I'M meeting my friends" that I was uninviting him. I reminded him that he said he didn't want to go, and he told me he hadn't decided yet, but apparently I had already made that decision for him.

 

Don't put up with immaturity like that. This guy is not ready for any sort of relationship.

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Your guy is very controlling and very manipulative; people like this NEED someone to control, and so he's also dependent on you - that's why:

 

a) he manipulates you into feeling guilty when you want to be with people/do things other than with him.

 

b) he won't let you leave the relationship without all this manipulative stuff.

 

However, you are complicit in this in that there's part of you which feels responsible for his feelings. You are not. You have done your best to compromise, to make the relationship work, and in the face of controlling, manipulative behaviour from him - you have lost your love for him.

 

I have got an AWFUL lot of sympathy with this!

 

If you want to continue having a tense, restrictive life where you are afraid to be yourself, and you are blackmailed into staying with someone you do not love because of the fear of breaking his heart - carry on as you are.

 

Otherwise, let him take care of his feelings. Who knows - it may be an opportunity for him to grow and get help for his issues. You have done your best, you can't do better than your best and despite all this you know, in your heart of hearts that the relationship isn't for you. If you do decide to leave, you will probably need a lot of support in the face of some pretty guilt-inducing behaviour from him.

 

Good luck!

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It used to be that I was so in love with him, I'd do whatever it took to make him happy, even if it meant giving up my own dreams (which I would have to do because he admitted he had no concept of compromise).

 

Missed this part the first time...

 

Wow. Just read the last 4 lines of that sentence. No concept of compromise?!? How does one last for more than about 10 minutes in a relationship with an attitude like that?

 

Don't give up on your dreams for anyone. You'll end up resentful and could really damage both people.

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i agree with you, might be a good idea to call this quits forever and just move on. since things haven't changed with him, and the fighting has continued, might be good just to move on. tell him it's FINAL this time.

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Missed this part the first time...

 

Wow. Just read the last 4 lines of that sentence. No concept of compromise?!? How does one last for more than about 10 minutes in a relationship with an attitude like that?

 

Don't give up on your dreams for anyone. You'll end up resentful and could really damage both people.

 

 

I don't know if he has no sense of compromise or if it just isn't worth it for him to try. He wanted to know why I was apprehensive about being with him in the long run, and that was one of my main points. He would talk about buying houses and moving to other states and never included me once in the discussion. Things like moving to Badger, MN (where there's NOTHING for me) and assuming that I'll come with him. I told him I'm not going to give up everything here (my friends, my family, my job) just to follow him around the country. I see that now, but I have no idea how I went for years without seeing it. It was like I was looking at everything through a skewed filter, and now everything is so clear to me..

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I smell the makings of a lifelong commitment to hell with this guy. He is a selfish guy who will kill your spirit if you go back. His pattern of behavour is controlloing and in a way abusive. Sure we make comprimises in relationships but it sounds like he is not comfortable accepting you as you are. You will be living on eggshells forever if you keep him. get rid of him and get yourself a new vibrant and NURTURING relationship. Life is not forever make a change for the better instead of regretting it later. hope this helps.

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OMG your guy sounds so much like my ex.... the whole story in the original post is a complete parallel to what I was going through with him.

 

Then other parts of it sound like what my guy said about me (the moving around and never mentioning you... he accused me of never mentioning him when I talked about the future of my career or the things I wanted to do).

 

I'm not being any help to you, but it's all very interesting to me as I'm doing a post-mortem on my own relationship right now (almost 5 years). Wow. Like seeing it through someone else's eyes

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Nobody needs to defend their right to quit a relationship, and nobody 'owes' anyone the social work to help them understand the reasons--in fact, you don't even owe him reasons when it positions you in a place of intimidation. In fact, you don't even need to qualify or clarify those reasons to yourself--when your gut says out, you're just allowed out.

 

BTW--I wish someone had told me this when I felt trapped in my youngest relationships.

 

In your corner.

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Let youself walk away from this for good. Imagine the freedom from all the pressure and manipulation. You are so right, this has not been healthy for you and at least you are coming out of the other side now. There are so many people out there looking for a kind, caring relationship and there's nothing worse than realising when you look around that lots of others have this but you don't. He won't let go until you are really firm because he won't have as much control over you then. Go full NC if you can and remove this person from your life. Good luck.

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Thank you guys, I really needed to hear your thoughts. I'm so full of self-doubt, I can't stop feeling like I'm being selfish and insensitive.

 

Not just in this instance, but always, if someone else accuses you directly or indirectly, of being selfish or insensitive - what it actually means is 'You're not doing what I want you to do'. It can actually be very instructive to see who's really being selfish or insensitive - and it's not usually the person who's being accused of it ...

 

The fact that you have these feelings makes you vulnerable to a, erm, person like your boyfriend. You're not responsible for his feelings - and don't let him guilt trip you into being so!

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Not just in this instance, but always, if someone else accuses you directly or indirectly, of being selfish or insensitive - what it actually means is 'You're not doing what I want you to do'. It can actually be very instructive to see who's really being selfish or insensitive - and it's not usually the person who's being accused of it ...

 

The fact that you have these feelings makes you vulnerable to a, erm, person like your boyfriend. You're not responsible for his feelings - and don't let him guilt trip you into being so!

 

Well said!!

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I definitely think you've done the right thing by ending it. The posters who pointed out that his behavior was immature were spot on. It seemed that not only was he not allowing himself to be honest with you, he probably wasn't even being honest with himself. Instead, it made him feel like he was in control to play games with your emotions. Not only is that childish, but it's dangerous, for both of you. Bravo for saying "enough".

 

If he honestly cared about you, and was mature enough to handle it, he would have no problem making that clear instead of being so insecure that he had to feel like you were under his thumb at all times. Considering this was a long-term thing, take some time to find yourself again, free yourself from the old habits that kept you "in line", and eventually find yourself someone who will be mature and comfortable enough with themselves to give you what you want, need, and deserve.

 

Completely off topic: I'm sure you get this a lot, but you remind me of Molly Ringwald. And I'm an 80's fan, so that's not a bad thing.

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Haha, thank you. I do get the Molly Ringwald comparison a lot, but I'm ok with it.

 

And thanks for your comments. The advice from everyone really does give me strength. But I haven't completely ended it yet... It's something that's been plaguing me for so long, and I just don't know how to end it. I know I need to, but he's so adamant to stay with me, saying that no matter what fights we have and no matter what happens, he'll always want to be with me. And I feel terrible that I don't feel the same way. I just feel trapped. There's nothing I want more than to just be free from all of this, but I just don't know how to tell him so he'll understand. I was actually going to create another post about this, but I can just expand upon this one.

 

How do I end it? If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I've tried telling him in a straight-forward, but sensitive, way. I've told him that we've had so many fights and problems in the past, and I was able to move past those, but eventually I couldn't do it anymore and I realized they were never going to end. At some point, it all affected me so much that I couldn't return to the way I felt about him before. I told him that we've both changed so much over the course of 3 1/2 years and we were just different now. I've told him all of these things that have been filling my mind as reasons for why we can't work, and he just doesn't seem to understand that it would be better for both of us. I guess the problem is I can't really put the reason into words. It's a feeling, not something cut and dried. I really do care about him, but I'm not in love with him. He's a good man in a lot of ways, but something just feels...different. Wrong.

 

How do I get him to understand without making him feel like I don't care about him?

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....and that when you look into the future, you don't see the two of you together, it's time to move towards separate futures. He doesn't WANT to see it, because it's not HIS decision, but he'll know anyway. You might have some histrionics though as he's used to getting his own way, so if you can make sure you are somewhere that you can leave after you've told him. Good luck.

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You're right...

 

Is it wrong of me to just go NC, without offering up any explanation? I feel like I've attempted to explain this thing to death, but should I just leave it at that? It feels so...unfinished. And I really didn't want that. But every time I see him to try and explain, he wrangles me back in...somehow. If I go NC though, I know he's going to call. Maybe not today, but soon. He always does.

 

I left for the weekend, knowing he wasn't going to be entirely happy about it, but I said I'd come back a day early so we could hang out. But I don't really want to. I feel like I'm just compromising on everything in my life because I feel like I owe him that. I didn't call him last night, and I haven't called him yet today, and now I'm not sure if I will.

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You should probably give an explanation, although it won't matter. He won't want a reason, he'll just want to argue. Kinda the same way it was between me and my parents when I was 12. But after you do, then go NC for good.

 

 

I left for the weekend, knowing he wasn't going to be entirely happy about it, but I said I'd come back a day early so we could hang out. But I don't really want to. I feel like I'm just compromising on everything in my life because I feel like I owe him that.

 

It's gotta end. Preferably today.

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Hey again, Dakota.

 

Sorry to hear things are that difficult. Whatever you do, I'd advise you to be honest with him and be honest with yourself. If you're honest, then you never have that regret later wondering how things would be if everything was out in the open. Also, it sounds like a healthy serving of honesty is what your guy could use at this point.

 

He's romanticized the idea of you in his head. As you said, you've both changed, and the way he's treated you has caused that change to take you farther apart rather than closer together. He doesn't see this, though- he doesn't want to. He just sees who you were. You've got to let him know how things are now. Maybe he'll be willing to change. Maybe he'll say he's willing to change just to hang on. Maybe it'll end badly. Either way, you guys don't need to be together right now. If he loves you as much as he says, then he will realize he needs to change, and he will wait for you. Whether that's what you want at some time in the future remains to be seen.

 

To summarize my long-winded opinion, just be flat-out honest with him. Tell him why things aren't working. Let him know exactly how you feel. Make sure he knows that you're making this decision because it will ultimately be the best thing for both of you.

 

Good luck, Dakota. I hope everything works out.

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