Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[WhatThe]

I am a lot older than most of the people on this thread, so I'm going to give you all a tip.

 

If you are already making bogus excuses about your weight in your 20's and 30's, you will be FAT by your 40's and 50's.

 

As you age, it is tougher to lose weight. Every single calorie counts. One extra Oreo a night will make you fat. This is reality.

 

It is all about willpower. People in the US are the fattest in the world. Why? We eat too damn much. Period. Many people can be completely healthy, and in fact will thrive, on 1800 calories a day OF THE RIGHT FOOD. People make it sound like it is some kind of rocket science. It is not. Garbage in, garbage out. You eat too much, you end up fat.

 

Exercise is the key to losing weight, but NOT EATING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF C-R-A-P is the key to not gaining weight.

 

We are now reaping the incredible harvest of a society that is eating itself to death. Diabetes, orthopedic issues, heart disease, and a multitude of other problems, including an epidemic of relationship problems caused by the situation where one spouse is obese and the other resents it.

 

Allowing yourself to become obese is just as disrespectful to your partner as being a drug addict, an alcoholic, a gambling addict, or having any other vice, and refusing to address the situation. Why is it that demanding that a partner quit smoking is seen as a noble move to protect the health of the partner and preserve the family, but demanding that a partner take care of their eating problem, which is potentially more devastating to one's health, is considered to be rude?

[rocio]

Hmmmm... Sorry but as a woman and a mother, I agree with much of what these guys are saying. Losing weight does take hard work but its not rocket science. And it is disrespectful to expect your partner to be okay with you not putting effort into the way you look. Often, we spend so much energy and time taking care of and satisfying others - kids, clients, boss, in-laws, that we neglect to make our spouse a priority. And the reality is that your husband will most likely feel like a low priority if you make your appearance a low priority.

 

However, being really fit is a very consuming lifestyle, so we need to differentiate between becoming obese and gradually putting on a few pounds. two completely different lifestyles - two completely different topics.

 

Its important to me that my daughter is able to enjoy an active and healthy life. However, I wouldn't want her to become consumed with her appearance. Life is too short and I want her to do incredible things with the few years she has on this earth. I need to set a good example for her by not obsessing over a few pounds.

 

Those are my priorities. You may not share them, but then, you guys may not live up to all of my standards. And that's okay because we will never date.

[Alezia]

Another bogus argument. What % of the US adult population is handicapped? What % is overweight?

 

I never said that every overweight person was handicapped. Some people have no excuse, but others have some very legitimate reasons and I think a difference needs to be made. It might not be a handicap for the next person and I don't know all the reasons as I'm not a doctor - but I could bet that a 5% of the population are fatter because of such things mental disorders, PCOS, handicap etc...

[Firiel]

Losing fat won't make you feel unhealthy, unless you got too lean (e.g., if you got under 10% bodyfat) or lost the fat too quickly. You probably had less muscle mass as well, which combined with the stress made you feel less healthy. Note that doing the same exercises with the same weight/intensity doesn't mean you didn't lose muscle mass - you very well may have, but you increased neuromuscular efficiency.

 

Losing fat wasn't what caused me to become less fit. I think it was mostly overtraining mixed with the stress. But you were saying how someone who is fit cannot be twenty pounds heavier and still be fit. That is untrue. I could run just as fast at 150 as at 135. About a year ago, I lost 10 pounds in a healthy manner and was just as fit at 140 as 150. You don't need to have 15% body fat to be fit.

 

If a girl is healthy (not overweight, in shape) and happy with her body, she hasn't "let herself go." You seem to think that if a girl does not stay within two pounds of her weight when you met her that she is some sort of lazy slob.

[Alezia]

However, being really fit is a very consuming lifestyle, so we need to differentiate between becoming obese and gradually putting on a few pounds. two completely different lifestyles - two completely different topics.

 

 

I agree that becoming obese is not acceptable, but it seems that most guys on this board would not be okay if you gained a few pounds (10lbs let's say) gradually even with an active/healthy lifestyle.

I think if you do have those standards for your partner, that you should make it clear once you start dating them - not once you are married and start holding them up to these unsaid standards.

[Alezia]

On the note of the world isn't full of handicaps, I guess I'm a bit biased as there are tons around me. They only hire handicap janitors where I work for some reason, and I have a few others working on my floor.

I see a good 10+ handicaps on a daily basis.

 

There is one I really admire though, she goes to the gym every day or almost every day. She can't move her legs, but she does upper body training with weights. She's not skinny but you can tell she keeps her shape at very reasonably when you consider her condition.

[diabolik]

Losing fat wasn't what caused me to become less fit. I think it was mostly overtraining mixed with the stress. But you were saying how someone who is fit cannot be twenty pounds heavier and still be fit. That is untrue. I could run just as fast at 150 as at 135. About a year ago, I lost 10 pounds in a healthy manner and was just as fit at 140 as 150. You don't need to have 15% body fat to be fit.

Here's what I said:

Well it depends on the mix of muscle and fat in that extra 20 pounds. If someone is "fit" at 130, I don't see how we can label the same person as "fit" at 150, if all of the gain comes from fat. And if we call that person "fit" at 150, what if they gain another 10 pounds of fat? Are they still "fit" because they only gained another 7% in weight?

Note that what I said is quite different from what you claimed I said.

 

If you could run just as fast at 150 as at 135, you did not gain 15 pounds of fat, some of it was muscle, which excludes you from the example I was making. Look, I almost hate to use the term "weight" because I don't care about weight. For me, body composition is what matters.

 

Imagine two girls, both the same height, bone structure AND weight. Girl A is 20% bodyfat. Girl B is 50% bodyfat. Girl A has a great figure. Girl B is fat.

 

If a girl is healthy (not overweight, in shape) and happy with her body, she hasn't "let herself go." You seem to think that if a girl does not stay within two pounds of her weight when you met her that she is some sort of lazy slob.

Again, I don't care about weight. She could weigh more, as long as her bodyfat levels don't get out of hand.

 

I found one of my ex's to be sexier when she weighed more - but that was because much of the weight gain came from muscle, so she had curves that she didn't have before. I saw her recently, and she is way too lean - I think she said she was under 10% bodyfat. Ugh. Not attractive.

[rocio]

I agree that becoming obese is not acceptable, but it seems that most guys on this board would not be okay if you gained a few pounds (10lbs let's say) gradually even with an active/healthy lifestyle.

I think if you do have those standards for your partner, that you should make it clear once you start dating them - not once you are married and start holding them up to these unsaid standards.

 

Yeah, some of these comments are making me laugh. The suggestion that a woman cannot be fit at 150 lbs was cute. Thankfully, these kinds of guys are a tiny minority. I think most men would hate to have a girlfriend who was consumed with working out and counting calories. Plus, most of the guys I know go wild over curves.

[diabolik]

The suggestion that a woman cannot be fit at 150 lbs was cute.

Grrrr. I hate being misquoted.

[Circe]

Sigh .. this topic upsets me for so many reasons.

 

I will agree that exercise is not they key to losing weight. It's not even necessary. I'm a (aussie) size 6 when I don't exercise and a size 8 when I do. Probably because I tend to go over the top with everything I do so when I used to have time for the gym I did it 2 hours a day practically every day - and as a consequence my body went nuts craving energy and I kept downing carbs.

 

Now I do no exercise. I don't have the time. Wake up at 6am - get ready for work and travel to work - work from 8am to 7pm. Get home at 8pm. Cook dinner for my husband. 9pm-10:30pm I spend time with my husband. If I tried to fit the gym in it would come from husband time - which is not good.

 

So now I can watch what I eat and don't crave carbs (cause my body isnt burning energy like crazy) so I'm actually slimmer than when I did exercise.

 

So I agree it's about what you eat and not really about exercise. But you would be amazed at how little the calorie intake a woman (especially if you are short like me) actually needs every day. It does not equate to very much food. So you do have to really watch it and make sure you eat the right sorts of food (ie the right balance of protein etc) so as not to get hungry on that amount. It would be so easy to think you need more than you do and hence put on weight.

 

My mum put on a huge amount of weight after she got married and it terrifies me that I could become like that because I watched my dad, as a kid, tease her and bully her about it and constantly call her "fat". He was a real loser in many ways when I was young. He really learned a lot over the years. Learned some anger management. Stopped drinking excessively. He's a much better person now. But even now, he still makes mean comments about her weight in public - in front of their friends.

 

I barely speak to my dad. He loves me no end - but I can't forgive him for how he treats my mum for being "fat" and for how he does nothing to help her. I've tried to help her. He just makes it harder for her.

 

Anyway the whole "letting go after marriage" thing ... I don't want my mum's life so the whole thing terrifies me.

 

I think OP you should realise that nobody wants to "let go" and become "fat" after marriage or otherwise. When someone becomes overweight/obese - society makes them feel like crap for it every day. I think the reasons why it happens are different for everyone. I bet for many (like my mum) they eat a lot because there may be certain emotional stresses that come with their marriage that they never feel like they can vocalise.

 

I really don't know - but I do know that something has to be done about the way everyone judges the worth of a person based on the fat they carry. It really does not have to be the way. I'm certain this is a social construct that can be changed. We don't have to perceive fat as unattractive. Not every culture does, anyway.

 

I'm not saying it's fine to be obese - its obviously not from a health perspective. But from the same way noone looks with scorn upon a skinny person who does zero exercise (and is therefore less healthy than an overweight person who does exercise) they need to stop looking that way at overweight people like it's some sort of crime!

[Firiel]

Here's what I said:

 

Note that what I said is quite different from what you claimed I said.

 

If you could run just as fast at 150 as at 135, you did not gain 15 pounds of fat, some of it was muscle, which excludes you from the example I was making. Look, I almost hate to use the term "weight" because I don't care about weight. For me, body composition is what matters.

 

Imagine two girls, both the same height, bone structure AND weight. Girl A is 20% bodyfat. Girl B is 50% bodyfat. Girl A has a great figure. Girl B is fat.

 

Again, I don't care about weight. She could weigh more, as long as her bodyfat levels don't get out of hand.

 

But anywhere from 14% to 24% body fat is totally healthy for women. Both those percentages fall under the "fit" category. A women could gain fifteen or twenty pounds, go from a very low (but still healthy) body fat to a higher (but still perfectly healthy) body fat, and still be healthy and in shape.

 

I'm not talking about a woman who is 50% body fat. I'm talking about older people who have "let themselves go" as you would put it and gained ten or twenty pounds from the time when they were twenty-something. It doesn't make them unhealthy and lazy.

 

And yes, I know my body. I've had my body fat tested. I've lost ten pounds of FAT and been no more in shape, been able to run no faster, than before I lost the weight.

[FarthestEdge]

Nice personal shot! And you're WRONG!!! I have a girlfriend, thank you very much.

...

 

When you marry, you should feel like you want to offer yoiur best to your spouse. Otherwise, you're taking them for granted.

 

I'm sorry- per the post below, I assumed you were still looking for "suitable options for marriage"

 

Yes, but for people like Ghost and myself, the fewer women there are who value being fit and healthy, the fewer are our suitable options for marriage.

 

Everyone has time to work out and eat right. It only takes 30 min of good intense exercise a day.

 

You seem to think that suggesting that every person who gains weight after marriage is disrespecting their partner is NOT a personal shot. I assure you it is. I also have to wonder how you think insulting me, and every other married person who isn't their ideal weight is going to improve your 'options'.

 

Also, I've carefully detailed my daily schedule in a previous post. I'd love to know when you think I can find 30 minutes a day to exercise without sacrificing the precious little time I have for my kids, or the responsibilities of school.

 

It's blind assumptions that you seem to assume you know what's possible in everyone else's lives that I find offensive. That and your assumption that my partner finds it disresepectful that I choose my children and my education over my waistline. Don't assume that his priorities are the same as yours. You do not speak for all men, and certainly not my husband.

 

The fact that someone mentioned gaining 30 lbs and the response that this is too much was telling....no one asked if she was underweight to begin with...so obviously you don't seem to think a woman can be TOO thin...

 

I'd love to have seen your reaction to a poster who once posted about "what is the minimum amount you expect your man to make" I found that offensive too. How would you feel if I said "Anyone who isn't making $(30k MORE than you do) isn't trying hard enough." I am in no position to judge others life circumstances, challenges, opportunities or obstacles in this regard.

 

I fail to see what you and the OP intend to achieve in this thread by knocking everyone else down for having different priorities than you do.

 

You want a skinny wife forever, then if you decide your current gf is your best 'option' then I suggest you put it in the marriage contract that her BMI not exceed 24, or you are allowed a mistress, or divorce, or whatever remedy you think that entitles you to. If she is willing to sign that- then marry her quickly before she comes to her senses.

 

Finally, NO ONE should lose weight for another person. They should lose it for themselves, when they feel ready for the challenge. Yes, DH would be happy if I eventually lost the weight. You know why? Because he knows I would feel better about myself. It isn't about what HE wants for himself- it's about what he wants for ME.

[Circe]

I'd love to know when you think I can find 30 minutes a day to exercise without sacrificing the precious little time I have for my kids, or the responsibilities of school.

 

 

Also - in no way is it 30 minutes. It's 5 mins to change from your work/normal clothes into gym gear. 5 mins to warm up (MINIMUM) - 10 mins to warm down (minimum if you don't want to hurt yourself) - 10 mins to have a shower and change back afterwards. And that's if you exercise at home rather than travelling to a location or the gym. Truthfully - to do 30 mins of exercise you take an hour of the day. And for 30 mins - its not even worth it. The truth is you can't burn much in 30 mins so its BS that this is a solution in any way.

 

What women (or men) do after marriage can involve:

> Cooking for their husband

> Cleaning the home

> Bathing, dressing, feeding kids

> Helping kids with homework

> Helping kids with after school activities

> Support their husband by being their to talk about the day

> Spend time with their husbands doing things they both enjoy

> Take care of things theur husbands are crap at (remembering birthdays of family members, picking up dry cleaning.. whatever)

> Giving massages after a hard day

> Giving their husband compliments

> Helping their husband look after himself (making sure he goes to a doctor when he's sick as many men refuse to do on their own)

> Having a career that puts money on the table

 

... the list just goes on and it all contributes towards the marriage. "Looking physically attractive" does not need to be high up on this list of priorities - nor does it have to be all encompassing - for a woman to care about her husband and the marriage.

[diabolik]

There is one I really admire though, she goes to the gym every day or almost every day. She can't move her legs, but she does upper body training with weights. She's not skinny but you can tell she keeps her shape at very reasonably when you consider her condition.

And if she can do it . . .

 

But anywhere from 14% to 24% body fat is totally healthy for women. Both those percentages fall under the "fit" category. A women could gain fifteen or twenty pounds, go from a very low (but still healthy) body fat to a higher (but still perfectly healthy) body fat, and still be healthy and in shape.

Sure, in this particular example, I agree.

 

And yes, I know my body. I've had my body fat tested. I've lost ten pounds of FAT and been no more in shape, been able to run no faster, than before I lost the weight.

If you couldn't run faster after losing ten pounds of fat (with no loss of muscle), then you are overlooking something (training, fatigue, etc.). Otherwise, you should be able to strap on a 10 pound vest and be just as fast as without the vest.

 

I fail to see what you and the OP intend to achieve in this thread by knocking everyone else down for having different priorities than you do.

If you haven't already read it, please take a look at my response to your earlier post. It's post #74. I think you'll find we are not quite as far apart in viewpoints as you think.

[diabolik]

So I agree it's about what you eat and not really about exercise. But you would be amazed at how little the calorie intake a woman (especially if you are short like me) actually needs every day. It does not equate to very much food. So you do have to really watch it and make sure you eat the right sorts of food (ie the right balance of protein etc) so as not to get hungry on that amount. It would be so easy to think you need more than you do and hence put on weight.

Excellent points! Most women who are dieting seem to be so focused on low fat that they end up eating too many carbs because they avoided the fat that would have satiated their hunger.

 

Anyway the whole "letting go after marriage" thing ... I don't want my mum's life so the whole thing terrifies me.

Seems to me that you have both the knowledge and the motivation (even though it doesn't stem from a positive source, it's still motivation) that will help you avoid this.

 

I think OP you should realise that nobody wants to "let go" and become "fat" after marriage or otherwise.

Yes, of course I realize this. It takes effort (diet, exercise, discipline) to stay fit. Not everyone is willing to make the effort. And if they are happy with their weight and their spouse is happy, that's great.

 

I really don't know - but I do know that something has to be done about the way everyone judges the worth of a person based on the fat they carry. It really does not have to be the way. I'm certain this is a social construct that can be changed. We don't have to perceive fat as unattractive. Not every culture does, anyway.

If you buy into evolution, then you must accept that males are wired to be attracted to fit females. That is not a social construct. Of course there is variety in what particular men are attracted to, but as a woman becomes more and more overweight, she will find fewer and fewer men are attracted to her. A woman's spouse is a man - as her weight (or more precisely, body composition), increases over his ideal preference, his physical attraction to her will tend to decline (of course, he may still love her and cherish her). This does not make him a jerk, it merely makes him the human animal that he is wired to be.

 

And yes, this also applies to women's attraction to men, though at a more attenuated level, as many studies have shown that a prospective mate's physical appearance is not as important for women as it is for men.

[sophie274]

Diabolik, could you explain the evolutionary reasons for which a man must prefer a FIT woman? (I gather fit here means works out most days, somewhat athletic.)

 

I honestly think this is a huge crock. We use evolution to explain a lot of distasteful things ... Your average cave-man would want a woman to gather berries, and have children, basically ... why does she need to be athletic and work out?

 

I also don't know agree that gaining weight means necessarily letting oneself go. Letting yourself go means no longer caring or putting effort into your appearance - you might gain some weight that you are unable to lose, but still think it is important to look good for your partner.

[chigal28]

My mom LOVES the Wii that we got her for Christmas!! She especially likes the Wii plaza, where all of the Wii Miis that we made at Christmastime hang out. She says it's like we're still there visiting.

 

I have never had a problem with my weight...great metabolism runs in my family. I like to think it's God's way of evening out our hereditary issues with alcohol...but anyway...My husband's family is big-boned and overweight, including his 7-year-old niece who is already 5'0" and 100 pounds. He eats like crap (even though he's already diabetic), and doesn't work out. At all. I've tried to encourage him, but in the end he just hasn't made it part of his routine, and he's got to want to do it.

 

Even though he is...oh, about 140 pounds overweight for his height (5'8" and about 270), I find him very attractive, but I still worry about his health. We try to eat healthy whenever we can, but we both work completely opposing schedules, and it's hard to motivate himself to whip up a nice healthy meal when it's just him eating dinner alone at 11:30 at night when I'm already in bed b/c I have to be up at 6:30.

 

Um, anyway....I'm not sure that answered the question, esp. since he was overweight when we got married and didn't "let himself go," per se...

[diabolik]

Diabolik, could you explain the evolutionary reasons for which a man must prefer a FIT woman? (I gather fit here means works out most days, somewhat athletic.)

 

I honestly think this is a huge crock. We use evolution to explain a lot of distasteful things ... Your average cave-man would want a woman to gather berries, and have children, basically ... why does she need to be athletic and work out?

Well, if we go back to cave-man days, I suppose we wouldn't find any overweight people - food was obviously scarce relative to modern times, and finding food burned quite a lot of calories. So the diet and exercise would naturally have kept people lean relative to what we see today (no obesity and no bodybuilders either). In such a scenario, ancient man would prefer healthy/fit women over skinny or sickly looking women - not only can she help with the physical labors of the day, but she is more likely to survive, handle the rigors of childbirth, and deliver offspring with those same traits.

 

So men would evolve to prefer women with certain proportions (e.g., the 70% waist/hip ratio). Today, from an attraction standpoint, a woman need not actually be fit - she just needs to look fit - because that is what men are wired to respond to.

 

We have cultural modifications of these preferences - in poor countries, fatter people may be seen as wealthier and more desirable; in the west, the thin models rule. And each man will have his own particular preferences. But I would argue that the further a woman moves away from the "healthy/fit" look, the fewer men she will attract, whether she's skin/bones skinny or obese.

[diabolik]

Letting yourself go means no longer caring or putting effort into your appearance - you might gain some weight that you are unable to lose, but still think it is important to look good for your partner.

And why might that person be *unable* to lose that extra weight they gained?

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think when it comes to weight and level of fitness there are a few questions you have to answer with a priority sequence... in my opinion they are as follow:

 

1. Do you believe you are healthy? Is your wieght/fitness level goinf to cause you problems in future?

If the answer is no, it is strongly recommended that you do something about it because of the troubles you are gonna get yourself and possibly your family into!

 

2. Are you happy with the way you look and feel?

If you are healthy and the answer is yes, that is ALL that matters and you need to be. If the answer is no, you should try to do something about it because of you and not because of media/boys/etc.

 

3. Is your partner happy with you and if no do you really care?

I think if you are content and healthy, the best option available is to get rid of the guy who wants you in another way! but if you love him to death and can't lose him well you have to change... The best thing is to find a person with similar standards. Personally no way in hell I want a guy who is obsessed with my body fat percentage, that can be the most annying person nor a guy who is fat and wants to drink pop with every meal!

 

and to the guys who seem obsessed with weight here, is it really that hard to understand that people can have different standards than you? and don't worry about us non skinny girls, we have our guys who praise us the way we are and yeah the sexy ones...

[rocio]

There are parts of the world where fatness is a sign of wealth and beauty. There are parts of the world where the great majority of actresses and divas are heavily overweight, by the standards of the men on this thread.

 

Also, most men are turned off by a women with thick biceps and a rock-hard stomach. I remember guy Richie saying that being with Madonna was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle.

 

There is no homogenous standard of beauty accross cultures, or even among men in the same culture.

 

Please stop projecting your preferences on the rest of us. And I suggest getting out of the bubble you live in. Maybe go travel or something to get some perspective.

 

Not every man is attracted to the same things as you. You are not the authority on what's important in life.

[WhatThe]

Denial runs deep here.

 

Let me tell you a story.

 

When I married my wife, she was 5'9" and 150 lb. She looked awesome, she could move, she had energy. After a few years of full time work, she had gained fifteen pounds to 165lb, but she still looked awesome, she could move, she had energy.

 

After our first child, she put on forty pounds. I wasn't worried about it, nor did I pressure her. She still looked acceptable, could move OK, and had enough energy to raise children. After our second child, she gained another 30 pounds. She looked bad, couldn't move, and was exhausted all the time. I asked her to consider losing weight, and she got back down to 200lb. Fine.

 

Since then, she has had the same excuses people have here. No time to exercise, no time to cook, genetics, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, she now weighs 240lb, she looks embarrassing, she can barely get out of a chair, and she is in bed 10 hours a day, but she only sleeps about 8 because she has sleep apnea. She is borderline diabetic. She can't participate in any of the outdoor activities we used to do together. Our social life is zero, because she doesn't feel like going anywhere. And, just a couple of weeks ago, she blew out her knee just getting out of the car. She is 50, and I have to cart her around. Sex is a distant memory.

 

My marriage is over, as far as I am concerned. She has ignored the warnings of me, our kids, her family and the doctors.

 

This is the future of all of you who have excuse after excuse about why you can't maintain a healthy weight. You are killing yourselves and your relationships. Get a clue.

[annie24]

wow. i am sorry to hear your story. are you filing divorce papers soon? i can certainly see why you are unhappy with your life with her.

[WhatThe]

wow. i am sorry to hear your story. are you filing divorce papers soon? i can certainly see why you are unhappy with your life with her.

 

I would, but I can't. I investigated divorce, hoping she would get the picture. It turns out that because we have been married so long, I would have to pay her alimony in the amount of 30% of my income, FOR LIFE. I live in the worst state in the union for divorce. So, she knows I can't go anywhere. That is not a motivation. She needs to want to lose the weight for herself, and she doesn't care.

 

This is another lesson for people to learn: if you see all the signs that your spouse doesn't care about their health, whether it be food issues, drinking, drugs, whatever, make all efforts to get them to wake up as early in the marriage as you can. If you wait too long, as I did, you are stuck.

 

Being obese is just as devastating to one's health as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, drinking a six pack a day, or smoking two joints a day. It is just more socially acceptable for some reason.

[StrawberryYogurt]

After our first child, she put on forty pounds. I wasn't worried about it, nor did I pressure her. She still looked acceptable, could move OK, and had enough energy to raise children. After our second child, she gained another 30 pounds. She looked bad, couldn't move, and was exhausted all the time. I asked her to consider losing weight, and she got back down to 200lb. Fine.

 

This is the future of all of you who have excuse after excuse about why you can't maintain a healthy weight. You are killing yourselves and your relationships. Get a clue.

 

Excellent post. Yep, all I hear are excuses after excuses from women here on why they can't lose weight (though some women here agree with me and the OP) . Scary. That's why I always paid a lot of attention to the diet any dating partner had and her level of exercise, motivation, etc. I keep myself and have kept myself in good shape all my life and expect the same (or at least a damn good effort) .

 

Gaining some poundage over the years is fine, but letting oneself go like your wife is completely different and inexcusable.

 

American mentality = making excuses.