Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[laisla]

Exactly!! No one INTENTIONALLY tricks someone by gaining some weight.

 

i think i should try that with my future husband it would be the perfect plan.

[FarthestEdge]

For the second time, I would ask that you read post #74, in which I replied to an earlier post of yours.

 

You are judging me without even bothering to understand my position.

 

I reread a few posts, and yes to some extent I owe you an apology. You do acknowledge that some have differing priorities. However, whenever someone offers a reasonable explanation as to why they have not, or currently cannot lose weight, you respond with matter-of-fact attitude that suggests you think it's all BS.

 

You're "'poor excuse" comment is the one that keeps ringing, because it set the tone for all your future arguements. Yes, it is POSSIBLE, but there are other factors which you refuse to acknowledge. Plus from personal experience, I can tell you that you grossly overestimate the caloric impact of "carrying a baby around all day". I breastfed for a year with BOTH children, and the weight didn't start coming off until I was weaning them. It IS different for every woman- and incidentally, women who have children younger - bounce back quicker. It has to do with hormones. It is a scientific, medical fact. Furthermore genetics DO play a role, whether you want to accept it or not. So just because Angelina Jolie & Halle Berry look perfectly restored 6 weeks postpartum, doesn't mean it will happen to the every woman.

 

My second pregnancy I had a temporary condition where my pelvis was separating because of the hormones and pregnancy- it was VERY painful, and it took the better part of 8 months to heal. I was NOT permitted to exercise, because weight bearing AND impact would make it worse. I couldn't even go for long walks. That's me. Everyone has a different story which is why you can't make sweeping generalizations about what is possible.

 

Your dismissing every remark about why it is difficult to lose leaves the impression that you see it all as lame excuses. Sure, some are, but many aren't.

 

This "if your not succeeding, then you're not trying" attitude is an inner dialogue I have fought my whole life. If I accept that viewpoint, I would teach my children nothing but self-loathing. I have to work hard at being gentle with myself with respect to my flaws, and recognize the positive things I have to offer.

 

Threads like this one make it feel like a wasted effort. So I guess that's where my 'chip' comes from.....

[Seraphim]

I think yes, it is disrespecting yourself and your body to get all out of control to were you are very obese,HOWEVER I can see the reasons it happens. Do these people need help sure! Is it an addiction or depression in a lot of cases, yes. Not all, some are medical. Can you learn more respect by getting your body under control again, yes you can. It has to be done with unconditional love though. I can understand some people are going to get frustrated helping someone year after year and nothing seems to change(yes I have been there helping people that do not change on many levels) and it is a hard hard job. You still love the person though, right? I mean a person is a person.

 

If some people think being with an over weight partner is being disrespected by that partner then they had better look inside too because they are also disrespecting themself by staying with someone they feel disrespects them, and no amount of money is worth yourself respect.

[diabolik]

Ok, can we establish here that we are not expecting our partners to be lean, mean workout machines, with tight abs, running around looking like teenagers?

I'm with ya on this. I would want my wife to look like a sexy woman, not a teenager.

 

I think it's absolutely reasonable not to want your partner to be extremely overweight, and by this, I mean 20 pounds or so over what is considered medically "normal" (I make this distinction from social norms, because I know that the societal norm is often heavier than what is ideal for health purposes).

It's tough to make hard and fast rules about this. 20 pounds makes no distinction between fat and muscle. 20 additional pounds of a given fat/muscle mix will look very different on someone who is 5' vs 6', and on people of different frames (bone structure).

 

Diabolik, SY, you guys have to understand that these women are getting so defensive because media has stigmatized obesity and, particularly, the fat woman to the point where someone even mentioning weight makes the person think that they are personally being accused of being "Fat". Being fat is like being a leper.

I get this. In fact, the defensiveness blinds them to the point of making many assumptions about the person bringing up the subject. FarthestEdge exemplifies this type of reaction. I agreed with some of her points, and commended her on her weight loss, and encouraged her to do exactly what she has been doing, but she cannot see that, and she accuses me of many things, none of which are true.

 

If some women are going to be so defensive on an internet forum, imagine how much more defensive they will be if their loved one broaches the subject.

 

In fact, this defensiveness is why guys are so fearful of bringing this subject up with their gf/wife. We know that no good will come from it, that she will resent us for bringing it up, feel rejected by us, and possibly gain even more weight as she turns to food for comfort. So if she puts on weight (fat), we are in a bind. We lie and say she looks great (and she may continue getting fatter) or we don't say anything (she will assume we are being critical of her increased fat b/c it's on her mind to begin with) or we say something and she goes nuclear.

 

Yes, the media plays a very counterproductive role in this by demonizing fat people, and at the same time providing useless or counterproductive diet and fitness advice. I don't know how we get over this defensiveness and have a productive discussion.

 

Working out should be about health and sustainability, not how skinny you can get. I don't feel the NEED to be a size 0 or 1 just because the media or a certain group or type of guy believes so. And I sure hope that no other woman does either.

I think the size 0 appeal is another media driven phenomenon. In the other thread, you saw a video of a woman I thought was exceptionally healthy/fit. She's hardly a size 0. I think women need to understand that the average guy is not attracted to a waif. I briefly dated a woman like this, she was skin, bones and a little muscle; when we had sex, I thought the police would burst in and arrest me for having sex with a little boy. :splat:

 

Though I will say that in today's environment, with the majority of our country being overweight, one of her attractive features was that she could get married, gain 20 pounds and look great. So I almost feel like I need to plan ahead and marry someone that is too skinny, assuming that she will fatten up.

[rocio]

I briefly dated a woman like this, she was skin, bones and a little muscle; when we had sex, I thought the police would burst in and arrest me for having sex with a little boy. :splat:

 

That's really mean.

 

How about respecting and loving women of all shapes and sizes because our bodies are strong and incredible things that create life and make children feel warm, secure and loved? Reading the comments you've posted about women's bodies over the course of the past couple of days, I think that you do not appreciate the true beauty of a woman's body, and for that I feel sorry. You're missing out.

[FarthestEdge]

 

I get this. In fact, the defensiveness blinds them to the point of making many assumptions about the person bringing up the subject. FarthestEdge exemplifies this type of reaction. I agreed with some of her points, and commended her on her weight loss, and encouraged her to do exactly what she has been doing, but she cannot see that, and she accuses me of many things, none of which are true.

 

You also talk to us like we're children, explaining the "rules of thermodynamics". Fat does not equal stupid. Most of us have a BETTER idea than 'fit' people as to what it 'takes' to lose weight....we've done it many times. But as I just stated, you dismiss every counterpoint that attempts to explain individuals obstacles and struggles, which suggests your assertion is that we simply are too stupid or lazy to do what it takes.

 

If some women are going to be so defensive on an internet forum, imagine how much more defensive they will be if their loved one broaches the subject.

 

In fact, this defensiveness is why guys are so fearful of bringing this subject up with their gf/wife. We know that no good will come from it, that she will resent us for bringing it up, feel rejected by us, and possibly gain even more weight as she turns to food for comfort.

 

Again with the generalizations. DH and I have a very open dialogue about weight/diet/exercise. He and I both know that I will lose the weight when and how I am able, and he supports me in that. I don't whine to him about being fat, or looking fat, because we both know and accept that at this point in time, my priorities are such that this is the body I have-it is what it is. So you are making assumptions about the nature of our relationships based on your own personal bias, and projecting onto us, an image that simply doesn't fit.

 

Yes, the media plays a very counterproductive role in this by demonizing fat people, and at the same time providing useless or counterproductive diet and fitness advice. I don't know how we get over this defensiveness and have a productive discussion.

 

But you do the same when you say we are 'disrespecting' our spouses by 'letting ourselves go'...Don't you see that?

 

So I almost feel like I need to plan ahead and marry someone that is too skinny, assuming that she will fatten up.[/QUOTE]

 

And you wonder why some of us think you value physical appearance above all else?!?!?!

[diabolik]

Okay, can we define "taking care of" or "in shape"? I understand a complaint if your SO went from 150 to 250 in a short amount of time (and by short, I mean years).

Like porn, "in shape" is hard to define and you'll know it when you see it, and your guy may have a different definition than I have.

 

i am saying that women aren't trying to catch men by marrying them and then let themselves go on purpose to trick you guys.

For the most part, yes, women are not intentionally trying to trick us. As an aside, I find it odd that women will go on ridiculous diets (one that is bound to result in rebound weight gain) just before the wedding so that she will look great for her family and friends.

 

Then get a different wife? I do not know, if you are not happy WHY stay? I do not get that part. Then people say well........it is the money, you know.....I will be screwed. THAT is an excuse too. If men are not happy bite the money bullet and find a woman that pleases them.

This is unrealistic. Many spouses stay in unhappy marriages for a multitude of reasons.

[ResonanceTheory]

Though I will say that in today's environment, with the majority of our country being overweight, one of her attractive features was that she could get married, gain 20 pounds and look great. So I almost feel like I need to plan ahead and marry someone that is too skinny, assuming that she will fatten up.

 

That's really awful. In all sincerity, I hope you won't have to do something like that and will be able to find someone who makes fitness as much of a priority as you do. Although, in all honesty, I don't feel like it should be too hard, especially if you have reasonable expectations about an older woman's body and how it changes even in spite of frequent exercise.

[diabolik]

That's really mean.

It's a joke. I would not engage in sex with a little boy or any woman who actually looked like a little boy.

 

And fat women make jokes like that about skinny women all the time.

[Batya33]

I've always been thin and the only times in my life I have not been thin (but not overweight either) were when I was on the wrong birth control pill almost 20 years ago and this past year when I was pregnant. My son is almost 8 weeks old. I gained 32 pounds and I probably have 6 more to lose to be my pre-pregnancy weight, which is thin. It's a very strange experience for me, having 6 pounds to lose and stranger that it's all in my middle which makes me feel unattractive (and I have a scar from my last minute c-section). My husband is being very supportive and I've decided that although I will continue to eat reasonably and to exercise (which I was not able to do the first few weeks because of the surgery, exhaustion and a post-birth health issue) I am not going to make myself crazy to lose the rest of the weight if those last 6 are particularly stubborn - I'll be satisfied to lose half of it (on a 5"2 frame that counts) and more importantly my husband is completely supportive of me and has no issue with my having a little extra weight in the middle. He gets that I had a baby, that I'm 42, and therefore my body may have some more permanent changes.

 

But, I would understand if I had 20 pounds to lose or more and didn't lose the weight for over a year or so -- that would still not be an issue for him that he would bring up but it might bother him. P.s. - he has gained weight over the last few years - he is not overweight but has somewhat of a belly. I don't care in the least. Also I haven't read many posts on this thread but it's always bothered me how men can get away with extra weight -- not muscle, fat -- and still have their pick of the ladies. Women - um, not so easy at least from my experience.

[Alezia]

 

(Choose one: Tobacco, Drugs, Alcohol, Gambling), but when it comes to weight, it just has to be accepted?

 

Atleast you won't die of second-hand weight exposure =)

Your finances won't be affected (since you are married) - losing your house etc... because of the gambling. I guess unless she eats the entire restaurant every night....

You probably won't go to trial against your wife because she did drugs illegally.

Your will most likely not be stuck driving your wife around because she got arrested for drunk driving.

 

Sure having an overweight partner is not pleasant, but it should technically not really affect YOU as a person (other than attractiveness). If you get out of that relationship, I doubt you will suffer any severe trauma of the result of the fact that your ex-wife gained 50lbs. (more than if she was the same weight)

[diabolik]

You also talk to us like we're children, explaining the "rules of thermodynamics". Fat does not equal stupid. Most of us have a BETTER idea than 'fit' people as to what it 'takes' to lose weight....we've done it many times. But as I just stated, you dismiss every counterpoint that attempts to explain individuals obstacles and struggles, which suggests your assertion is that we simply are too stupid or lazy to do what it takes.

I don't know what a particular person in an online forum knows or does not know about effective weight loss, so I explain things as simply as I can, particularly in light of the fact that there is so much misinformation out there about dieting, as we have agreed. I only dismiss counterpoints that I view as excuses. Look, you managed to lose weight in a manner that doesn't result in rebound gain, and you did it while raising children. I commend you for that. You could have used any of the excuses that other people use, but instead you found a way to do it.

 

Again with the generalizations. DH and I have a very open dialogue about weight/diet/exercise. He and I both know that I will lose the weight when and how I am able, and he supports me in that. I don't whine to him about being fat, or looking fat, because we both know and accept that at this point in time, my priorities are such that this is the body I have-it is what it is. So you are making assumptions about the nature of our relationships based on your own personal bias, and projecting onto us, an image that simply doesn't fit.

I think that you and your husband are the exception, not the rule. Discussing a gf/wife's weight is a mine field for most men - there's a reason comedians often use the topic for fodder (i.e., most guys can relate).

 

But you do the same when you say we are 'disrespecting' our spouses by 'letting ourselves go'...Don't you see that?

Would you like me to phrase it differently? "Why do people let themselves get fat in a relationship?" Is that better? How can I describe the phenomenon in a way that doesn't make you defensive? As for the disrespect, what do you call it when someone doesn't take care of themselves in a relationship, but does so when single?

 

And you wonder why some of us think you value physical appearance above all else?!?!?!

This is a thread about physical appearance, so that is what is discussed. I require a host of characteristics in someone I would consider long-term potential, and physical appearance is one of those traits. If there was a widespread phenomenon of women dropping in intelligence after marriage, I'd create a thread about that too.

[Seraphim]

"If there was a widespread phenomenon of women dropping in intelligence after marriage, I'd create a thread about that too."

 

Well this thread is becoming a little TOOO gender specific and sexist. Makes it sound like if there any complaints you have about women you will make them.

[diabolik]

That's really awful. In all sincerity, I hope you won't have to do something like that and will be able to find someone who makes fitness as much of a priority as you do. Although, in all honesty, I don't feel like it should be too hard, especially if you have reasonable expectations about an older woman's body and how it changes even in spite of frequent exercise.

I hope I won't either, but I'd be lying if I said the thought hasn't crossed my mind. And yes, I do look for women who make fitness a priority, and yes, I do have what I consider reasonable expectations for what my prospective wife would look like as she ages (provided that fitness is still a priority for her). But then you see stories like the one posted earlier in this thread about his active and fit fiancee who ended up at 200+ lbs.

 

Also I haven't read many posts on this thread but it's always bothered me how men can get away with extra weight -- not muscle, fat -- and still have their pick of the ladies. Women - um, not so easy at least from my experience.

Hey, I'm all for women being more picky about how men look.

 

Sure having an overweight partner is not pleasant, but it should technically not really affect YOU as a person (other than attractiveness).

Umm, do you consider a healthy sex life important to a relationship and a person's well being?

[Alezia]

"Why do people let themselves get fat in a relationship?" Is that better?

 

For the same reason single people get fat when not in a relationship =)

[Alezia]

Umm, do you consider a healthy sex life important to a relationship and a person's well being?

 

Well you are out of the relationship with my said example since you are not pleased and it affects you so much; so then yes you are entitled to go look around and have your healthy sex life.

Her past fat won't hunt you down, don't worry.

[diabolik]

Well this thread is becoming a little TOOO gender specific and sexist. Makes it sound like if there any complaints you have about women you will make them.

OK, why don't you make the same complaint in the threads about men and porn?

 

It's almost like you think we shouldn't talk about issues that affect the genders disparately.

[rocio]

Her past fat won't hunt you down, don't worry.

 

Lol! Thanks for making me laugh on this gloomy Tuesday afternoon.

[Alezia]

I think even if you try with a bunch of theories to get the perfect wife that will never gain extra fat; you can't be 100% sure. Like all things in life, you need to take a risk. As much as you can encourage your partner to stay fit and active, if she doesn't want to do it, it won't happen.

 

I think as the other half in the marriage, you need to assess if this is a big enough issue for you to get a divorce over or not. It's great to sit here on your ass and complain... but you are the other part of the equation in the marriage and can definetly take action. Sure it might cost you some extra money, but then it comes down to what do you value the most? A fit wife or your money?

[Alezia]

Lol! Thanks for making me laugh on this gloomy Tuesday afternoon.

 

Yeah seriously, weather is so bad. I hope it clears up this weekend.

I had to make this oral presentation at work... because of the stress build up I so don't want to work now =)

So here I am on this lovely thread.

 

P.S: Did you get my facebook msg?

[Seraphim]

OK, why don't you make the same complaint in the threads about men and porn?

 

It's almost like you think we shouldn't talk about issues that affect the genders disparately.

 

Because I do not need to disparage men and be disrespectful.

[Seraphim]

Can anyone find the sticky about Gender Bashing?

[laisla]

Can anyone find the sticky about Gender Bashing?

 

 

[Seraphim]

]

 

Thanks la'isla.

 

To the OP, it might be worth your reading.

[diabolik]

Because I do not need to disparage men and be disrespectful.

No, I meant why don't you tell all those "disparaging" women to stop creating and responding to threads about men and porn. The genders are different and thus deal with different issues and in different ways. To deny this is absurd.

 

This thread is open for women to voice concern about men in LTRs/marriage getting overweight. And I said earlier, I will show men much less sympathy than women.