Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[rocio]

Being obese is just as devastating to one's health as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, drinking a six pack a day, or smoking two joints a day. It is just more socially acceptable for some reason.

 

I would say it's less socially acceptable.

 

But if you really wanted to divorce her, you would. This excuse of the alimony makes me wonder whether you perhaps still love her, need her or have faith that things will improve?

[annie24]

so, you are going to stay with her because it will cost you too much money to divorce her? do you really want to divorce her? have you told her how you really feel, that you feel it's bringing your relationship with her to an end?

[StrawberryYogurt]

And everyone does have 30 min a day (or even just 5-6 days a week) to exercise. You can buy a treadmill or resistance bands, weights at home to make efficient use of time working out. What about your husbands? Don't they take care of the children too so you could potentially have time to work out? It's about priorities and time management. Now if on'es husband is fine with your weight, then I guess that's not disrespectful, but you'd still be healthier and set a good example for children by working out and eating right.

 

Whenever threads like this come up, it sickens me how people try to paint the extremes, as if those of us who take care of ourselves are all starving ourselves or are exercising 2 hrs a day. No, all it takes is eating healthy foods in the right quantities and exercising properly 30 min a day.

[ResonanceTheory]

In this case, I can certainly see where weight is an issue. I don't feel like it's healthy for a woman to gain 50 lbs. There is a big difference between 150 and 200...even if she had children, I feel it is too much. So I can certainly see how this guy would certainly be within his rights to feel upset, however...

 

If we are talking about the difference between weighing 130 and weighing 140...who cares? If you don't like that body type, that's fine--don't marry someone who has that body type, or who seems like someone who wouldn't keep working out until they die. My only issue here is I believe that a person can be fit and healthy without having 7% body fat. Not everyone has to be a slim, toned athlete to be healthy.

 

And, talking about ancient times, what about those greco-roman statues? I see no 7% body fat there, nor do I see "skinniness"--but would you call them fat? I certainly wouldn't! To me, those statues look like what the natural shape of a woman should be, even after childbirth, with a soft shape, instead of narrow, angular bodies and full-out rib cages. Those kinds of bodies are those that come naturally when you are a teenager. Once a woman is into her thirties, she shouldn't be expected to look like that. Be fit and healthy--yes. But dieting and exercising into oblivion so she can fit some teenage model standard? It's just too much.

[StrawberryYogurt]

If we are talking about the difference between weighing 130 and weighing 140...who cares?

 

You're right, who cares. That's what I've been saying all along, that that type of weight gain or even more is fine so long as there's a good effort being made. I don't know why everyone is trying to paint guys like me as evil when we are not the ones letting ourselves go, we just want our wives/potential wives to respect us and themselves by making a decent effort to maintain themselves.

[diabolik]

There are parts of the world where fatness is a sign of wealth and beauty. There are parts of the world where the great majority of actresses and divas are heavily overweight, by the standards of the men on this thread.

Sure, in some third world countries, being a little overweight is viewed positively, not for the sake of the fat itself, but for what it connotes: wealth. A heavily overweight diva is typically not prized for her sex appeal, but for other reasons.

 

Also, most men are turned off by a women with thick biceps and a rock-hard stomach. I remember guy Richie saying that being with Madonna was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle.

Sure, I can see that. But you are offering a false dichotomy. Madonna is at the extreme end of the scale in terms of leanness, and I would guess that her lack of sexual appeal to the average guy is not so much her muscle, but her lack of fat. Too little bodyfat is not a good thing. But again, pointing to her is a silly argument - very, very few women in the US have to worry about looking like Madonna.

 

There is no homogenous standard of beauty accross cultures, or even among men in the same culture.

 

Please stop projecting your preferences on the rest of us. And I suggest getting out of the bubble you live in. Maybe go travel or something to get some perspective.

 

Not every man is attracted to the same things as you. You are not the authority on what's important in life.

Sure, in the strict sense of the word, there is no homogenous standard of beauty. There are guys who love the waif look and there are guys with fat fetishes.

 

There has been much misinterpretation of the things I wrote in this thread. I wonder if it is willful or accidental. I suggested that the further a woman moves away from a fit/healthy look, the fewer men she will attract. That does not mean that the waif will attract zero men, nor does it mean the obese woman will attract zero men. It just means they attract fewer men.

 

Thanks for suggesting that I travel - I have done quite a bit of that, and will need to get extra pages for my passport.

[diabolik]

My only issue here is I believe that a person can be fit and healthy without having 7% body fat. Not everyone has to be a slim, toned athlete to be healthy.

Res, come on now, you know better than to make specious arguments like this. I would guess that the vast majority of men would find 7% bodyfat on a woman to be unattractive.

 

As firiel mentioned earlier in this thread, ~15-25% bodyfat is a good range for a healthy/fit woman.

[rocio]

we just want our wives/potential wives to respect us and themselves by making a decent effort to maintain themselves.

 

Then why don't you carefully discuss that with your wives/potential wives?

 

Diabolik: I suggest you download some Nigerian movies from youtube. I think you will be shocked to see the VERY wide range of what is considered beautiful or "fit" in different cultures.

[FarthestEdge]

Apparently NONE of this means sqat to you Whatthe- I asked you in a previous thread what your wife DOES contribute to the marriage and got no reply. You don't care. You instead choose to focus on this one issue. I understand what your problems with it are. I really do. But if she was really that horrible a person to live with, and intolerable embarassment, then 30% of your income for life, well, lot's have been willing to pay that to get away from less.....So YOU have decided that in the end that even for YOU, it's not worth the price to walk away. That's your decision, yet you paint it like you have NO CHOICE OR CONTROL then admonish the rest of us for not being physically perfect, saying we have no excuse to be anything less (or more, so to speak)

 

I'll say it again. Yes I am overweight- BUT

 

I eat healthy

I try to live an active lifestyle

Our activities are NOT limited by my weight (including our sex life, thank you very much)

I ensure my child is encouraged to be active and have fun doing it.

I work hard at my job and my education

 

As for what kind of wife I am?

I am highly supportive of him and his aspirations

I am loyal to the core

I try to ensure he gets as much of what he wants from life as possible

I earn MORE than he does, and we enjoy a nice life, and home

I respect him fully, and don't treat him like a child

I am a loving mother.

I continue to work towards our future through education.

I make him laugh, as he does for me....

I encourage him to go have fun with the guys...

I make him and our family a priority.

 

But according to you, I am a horrible wife who has cheated my husband because I gained weight when quitting smoking and suffering through 3 miscarriages......

 

Luckily, I'm not married to you. I'm sure you feel the same.....

 

I am NOT in denial. I am fully aware that I am fat and not as fit as I could be. I have different priorities. My weight is not going UP and is very, very slowly going down. I do what I can, as most of us do, and it will continue to be a struggle. But I will not starve myself and neglect my family and my resonsibilities to lose 40 pounds in 2 months- we all know that people who do that just gain it back anyway.

 

*sigh* it must be lonely for you guys up there on your throne of personal perfection.....

[StrawberryYogurt]

Then why don't you carefully discuss that with your wives/potential wives?

 

What makes you think I have not? I not only discuss, but carefully monitor to best of my ability.

[rocio]

What makes you think I have not? I not only discuss, but carefully monitor to best of my ability.

 

ahahahaha!!! Well, there's someone for everyone out there, right?

 

I sincerely hope that you get what you're looking for in a partner and I think it's great that you're honest with yourself and your partner about what you need and expect.

[StrawberryYogurt]

ahahahaha!!! Well, there's someone for everyone out there, right?

 

I sincerely hope that you get what you're looking for in a partner and I think it's great that you're honest with yourself and your partner about what you need and expect.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I knew a long time ago that it'd be hard for me to find a wife b/c I am very picky and have high standards for others, but no higher than what I expect out of myself, but my G/F is meeting my expectations so far.

[rocio]

Thanks. Yeah, I knew a long time ago that it'd be hard for me to find a wife b/c I am very picky and have high standards for others, but no higher than what I expect out of myself, but my G/F is meeting my expectations so far.

 

I don't know if you necessarily have high standards, or perhaps just narrow standards. For all the posts I've seen from you on this forum regarding women's weight, I don't think I've read any about your standards for ambition, honesty, compassion, generosity, intelligence, wisdom or emotional well being.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I don't know if you necessarily have high standards, or perhaps just narrow standards. For all the posts I've seen from you on this forum regarding women's weight, I don't think I've read any about your standards for ambition, honesty, compassion, generosity, intelligence, wisdom or emotional well being.

 

Ha ha, you've missed some good threads of mine then If you had read my standards on those, you'd be like "How is he going to fine someone?" LOL! Search for "What % do you consider quality dating material" on this forum.

 

Alright, done derailing this thread.

[diabolik]

Looking back, were there any clues prior to the marriage that she would allow herself to become so overweight?

[Seraphim]

Yes, I am sure all women have that secret plan to gain 50 pounds and be annoying........I guess we could say the same about were there signs before marriage that you guys would lose your hair.

[rocio]

Ha ha, you've missed some good threads of mine then If you had read my standards on those, you'd be like "How is he going to fine someone?" LOL! Search for "What % do you consider quality dating material" on this forum.

 

Alright, done derailing this thread.

 

I just hope that you're able to find someone who meets your fitness requirements and is accepting of your attitude/approach.

 

I am in good shape, and have even become more athletic since having a baby and becoming a wife. I intend to continue to better myself in many ways, including my physical fitness, for many years to come.

 

I am also intelligent, work out, eat right, don't smoke or do drugs, am kind and generous, have an impressive career, am financially responsible, am not materialistic or a goldigger, do not sleep around, actively give back to my community, am not racist, have no mental health problems. (These are your requirements for a partner, apparently)

 

Yet, there's no way I would have dated someone with your attitude/approach.

 

I know at least one other woman who posted in this thread that she would dump someone who felt the way you do, and she is smokin' hot despite being a mom, has a very impressive career, and from what I know meets all of the above requirements as well.

 

...So what I think is that your pickings are very slim - not because of your standards, but because there are few women out there who wouldn't be turned off by your approach.

[WhatThe]

Looking back, were there any clues prior to the marriage that she would allow herself to become so overweight?

 

None whatsover. Both her parents are in great shape, even in their 70's. All but one of her siblings are fine. One sister is similarly overweight, and she has been married/divorced twice and is currently single. She can't understand why she can't find a boyfriend! Hello.

[Seraphim]

The thing is too, when you marry someone you promise for better or WORSE, if you do not MEAN this, do not get married. I have been over weight, I have been the perfect weight and I have been 50 pounds underweight too, and you know what? I am still the SAME person with emotions and feelings and dreams and all those things that make up a person. If you want someone who never changes and is always the same in looks please marry a new fitness barbie every 5 years. People are MORE than their body, they are a heart and a soul too.

[diabolik]

None whatsover. Both her parents are in great shape, even in their 70's. All but one of her siblings are fine. One sister is similarly overweight, and she has been married/divorced twice and is currently single. She can't understand why she can't find a boyfriend! Hello.

Yeah, I usually check to see what the mother looks like. How about her father's sisters?

 

What about her attitude toward diet, fitness? Did she make staying in shape a priority early on in the relationship? Did she have episodes of binging, followed by lots of dieting/exercise - i.e., did her weight fluctuate a lot before you married her?

[diabolik]

I have been over weight, I have been the perfect weight and I have been 50 pounds underweight too, and you know what? I am still the SAME person with emotions and feelings and dreams and all those things that make up a person.

OK, fine, you're still the same person on the inside. But men are attracted by the inside AND the outside.

 

If you want someone who never changes and is always the same in looks please marry a new fitness barbie every 5 years.

As if every woman becomes overweight after she gets married.

 

There are some that get married, have kids and look great.

[WhatThe]

I don't know why you think anything I said was aimed at you. Why do you carry such a chip on your shoulder? Could it be that you don't like the way you are?

 

Just to get you to back off, I'll answer your list in the context of my wife:

 

> Cooking for their husband - I buy the food and I cook.

> Cleaning the home - I am 50% of the indoor crew and 95% of the outdoor.

> Bathing, dressing, feeding kids - They are Teenagers.

> Helping kids with homework - They don't need help.

> Helping kids with after school activities - 50%/50%

> Support their husband by being their to talk about the day - She doesn't care.

> Spend time with their husbands doing things they both enjoy - She CAN'T, because she can't walk, ride a bike, or do anything remotely physical in her condition, especially now that she blew out her knee.

> Take care of things theur husbands are crap at (remembering birthdays of family members, picking up dry cleaning.. whatever) - 50%/50%

> Giving massages after a hard day - Her arms hurt......

> Giving their husband compliments - 50%/50%

> Helping their husband look after himself (making sure he goes to a doctor when he's sick as many men refuse to do on their own) - She won't see the doctor HERSELF without badgering. I get a physical once a year. I take CARE of myself.

> Having a career that puts money on the table - She make 1/4 what I do, despite having the same level of education, and probably being smarter than I am. This is why, if we were to divorce, I would be so screwed.

[Seraphim]

I know some do before you marry them. But it seems you value the outside MORE than the inside. Very dangerous we could start making compairsons about we do not like either. Like I said, men over 40 you better keep your hair or we might trade you in. What you can not find time to use Rogain? You do not have the money to go to a hair clinic and get hair replacement?? Well dang what good are ya?? OMG his dad and mother's brothers were bald as a que ball run ladies cause that is how he will turn out.Us women are attracted to the outside too.

[Seraphim]

So, you are staying because you value money more?

[WhatThe]

I would say it's less socially acceptable.

 

But if you really wanted to divorce her, you would. This excuse of the alimony makes me wonder whether you perhaps still love her, need her or have faith that things will improve?

 

OK. So you are telling me you would be willing to pay 30% of your gross income for the rest of your life, leave the home you built with your own hands, and live in a one bedroom apartment (if that) under the legal obligation that you ALWAYS earn the same amount of money so that you can maintain alimony payments, forever, or you go to jail?

 

I seriously doubt it.

 

The threat of alimony keeps bad marriages together. I was just reading an article yesterday about how the courts are slammed with modification hearings, and more people than ever are being sent to jail for not keeping up with alimony and child support. Apparently the legal system can't see that when you send someone to jail, THEY LOSE THEIR JOB, if they happen to have one. And if they don't have a job, how in hell are they supposed to make the payments? What is the point?

 

Given that threat, I'll just suck it up and try to be happy on my own, "inside" of marriage.