Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

To branch off of jahur; in a word: comfort.

[diabolik]

well, i have to say, it just requires more planning. you can still enjoy dinners out and keep your figure. it just might mean nor splurging during the work week, and then letting loose on the weekends. planning is hard some times!

Unfortunately, that is a tough path to take because the constant fluctuation between a lower calorie diet during the week and a higher calorie diet on the weekends will tend to result in higher fat storage than a steady diet.

 

But you raised a good issue - probably way too many couples out there dine out and both partners are consuming roughly the same amount of calories. And with meal portions in the US and indulgent desserts, it's probably too many calories for the man, and *way too many* calories for the woman.

 

1) There's a social perception out there that fat does not equal attractive. Once you are in a LTR you might just be so crazy as to assume that you are attractive in your partners eyes for the person you are inside - not just who you are on the outside - and so you don't have to work so hard to stay in shape.

But many of these very same people will start exercising as soon as they are single again. Why? Because they realize that attractiveness is a function of both the inside AND the outside.

 

2) There are many obligations that take up your free time when you are in a LTR. You might not have as much time to spend at the gym.

Fair enough. But I think diet is at least as big a part of the issue as exercise.

 

3) When you live on your own you have a lot of control over what you eat. Men can eat unhealthier foods and larger portions than women and not put on weight. When you have to eat every meal together it can be difficult for women to regulate what they eat as easily.

Why not? Just eat less. It's a matter of discipline. But I see your point - the temptation is greater than when you're single and don't even put the unhealthy stuff on the table.

 

4) Getting older can change things for a woman so that one who could eat anything when young now will suddenly put on a lot of weight, eating the same food.

This affects both genders, but you're right, probably has a bigger effect on women. Isn't it amazing that people think they can eat the way they did when they were younger and had faster metabolisms?

 

6) As you get older you realise life is about more than maintaining a particular body shape.

If those same people don't bother to get in shape after a divorce, then I could buy into this. But they often do, so while this sounds good, it seems like an excuse.

 

I heard once (I think it was even on ENA), "if losing weight were easy then everyone would be thin". It's not easy, especially after bearing children or aging.

 

Also, diabolik, remember that genetics plays a huge part in how quickly or easily a woman can lose weight after giving birth. Some women have already lost all the weight before they've even recovered physcially and can start exercising again. It doesn't mean that every woman could do the same if she just had a bit more motivation. Hardly...

I'm not saying losing weight is easy. I'm saying it can be done by nearly everyone, even mothers with 3 children, if it is important to them - i.e., if they are motivated.

 

Staying in shape is not easy when you have kids. After a long day's work, you come home, cook supper for your family and then.... start cooking your own supper?!? ugh.. And have you ever tried jogging while pushing a stroller? Not nearly as easy as you may think.

I think parents with very young children probably burn a lot of calories. So diet becomes a bigger issue than not being able to get to the gym as often.

 

Now, I think that it's great to make health a priority. But when you're a parent, and you have so many important priorities, being thin and hot just doesn't make the list for everyone. And there's nothing wrong with that. I was at the pool yesterday and I noticed at some point that I was sitting in the toddler pool with about 15 other moms and not a single one was thin. Does this mean that they are all lazy and unmotivated? I really doubt it.

No, it just means that staying fit was not a sufficiently high priority for any of them (by the way, fit does not equal thin). I'm not saying that someone de-prioritize their children for the sake of staying in shape. There are certainly mothers out there who manage to stay in great shape. I hope I can find a woman for whom staying in shape is important enough to her that she will find a way to maintain even with kids.

 

diabolik, you are very focused on being in tip-top shape and have very high expectations for yourself and those around you. try not to judge those who have different priorities.

I'm not judging the way you think I am. When I see a heavyset person, I don't assume they are lazy. I assume that getting in shape is a low priority for them (again, my underlying assumption is that getting fit is achievable by just about everyone, provided they are motivated to do so). And that's fine - everyone is entitled to prioritize as they wish. If that person's partner is happy with it, even better.

 

For those who wrote about how they exercise or participate in sports with their partners, that's great. One of the common themes coming out of this thread is that, in a relationship, there is less time for exercise than when single, and that much of the together time is spent eating or sitting.

[rocio]

But many of these very same people will start exercising as soon as they are single again. Why? Because they realize that attractiveness is a function of both the inside AND the outside.

 

I'm definitely with you on this one. Assuming that your partner will "love you for who you are on the inside" and use that as an excuse to stop taking care of yourself "on the outside" is selfish, mean, spoiled, and a recipe for disaster.

[diabolik]

I'm definitely with you on this one. Assuming that your partner will "love you for who you are on the inside" and use that as an excuse to stop taking care of yourself "on the outside" is selfish, mean, spoiled, and a recipe for disaster.

I'm glad we can agree on something!

 

Isn't it funny that every thread where a woman thinks her partner is not as attracted to her b/c she gained weight or where a man complains about his partner's weight, is filled with a chorus of "he should love you for who you are on the inside" or some such gibberish. Nevermind that she put on 30 pounds of fat and likely would not have attracted the same man in her current shape.

[rocio]

yes, complete gibberish. I don't know where people pick up this nonsense.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It isn't complete nonsense/tomfoolery to have a partner love you for who you are...

 

Gaining weight and not taking care of yourself is not good for a lot of reasons.

Not trying to be glib but if your partner would leave you because you gained some weight, what would they do if you became disabled or got some kind of hideous skin condition? lol

 

Obviously they happen for different reasons but if a person is that shallow, they don't really love you, don't you think?

 

There has to be a line drawn between wanting a partner to stay fit and healthy (which is fine) and just being an ass who can't deal with imperfections.

[Scorpion Fury]

I don't know why either. I think they just get comfortable and just start adding on the pounds. And then God forbid you say anything about it, or here comes the old "You should love me just the way I am." well, you cared enough about me to want to look good for me before, do you not care about me now??

[ResonanceTheory]

Not everyone has the time to work out a lot. I decided a while back that I was going to be working out at least 4 days a week, and was doing so. But then I got extremely busy with classes and simply didn't have the time to spend an hour at the gym each day. I watch what I put in my mouth, and have continued to lose weight--albeit more slowly than before. With weight, it's not always about comfort--although the longer you're with someone, the easier it becomes to eat around them. You don't feel like they're watching everything that you eat and critiquing you on it.

 

When you're in a long term relationship, you have to be prepared for fluctuations over the long term. There will be times that they've gained 5 or 10 lbs in a busy year. It doesn't mean they can't lose it. You just have to be sure that the person you're with places the same priority on being "fit", which doesn't necessarily mean thin. If you find someone who has that priority, then you BOTH have to stick with it. The man can't be eating cookies and cakes and sitting on his ass all day and expect the woman to eat nothing but salads and live on the treadmill. I see a lot of guys who expect a woman to be lean and toned but don't lift a finger to exercise and eat tons of junk food. Just wait until they're 30 and packing on that gut.

 

Also, I don't think it's unrealistic for womens' ideas about what exactly constitutes "fit" to change throughout their lives. 130 lbs may be my ideal weight now, but after I have children and a career, it may be 140, or 150. Will I eat candies and chocolates all day long and lay around like a gluttonous slob? No, I'll be a busy mother, working and paying the bills. That means less time and money to spend on gym memberships. Does that mean I'll blow up like a balloon? no. You can still be careful and care about how you look without the strict diets and constant exercise.

[ResonanceTheory]

Another thing that really put things into perspective for me was realizing how easy it was to put on extra weight. Let's say I burn 1800 calories a day. If I only eat 50 calories more than that each day (which is not so difficult to do, let's face it), I will have gained one pound in 10 weeks. While that doesn't seem like a lot, in one year, that equals a weight gain of 5 lbs. Such subtle weight gain is really hard to notice as it's coming on. It's only at the end of the year that you look at the scake and shriek: OMG, an extra 5 pounds!

 

Then you work like a maniac to get it off, loose the weight, and then get busy again, and the next year, the same thing happens.

[diabolik]

But then I got extremely busy with classes and simply didn't have the time to spend an hour at the gym each day. I watch what I put in my mouth, and have continued to lose weight--albeit more slowly than before.

Which goes to show that diet is just as important as exercise. Calories consumed vs calories burned - the laws of thermodynamics apply to everyone.

 

When you're in a long term relationship, you have to be prepared for fluctuations over the long term. There will be times that they've gained 5 or 10 lbs in a busy year. It doesn't mean they can't lose it. You just have to be sure that the person you're with places the same priority on being "fit", which doesn't necessarily mean thin. If you find someone who has that priority, then you BOTH have to stick with it. The man can't be eating cookies and cakes and sitting on his ass all day and expect the woman to eat nothing but salads and live on the treadmill.

+1

 

Also, I don't think it's unrealistic for womens' ideas about what exactly constitutes "fit" to change throughout their lives. 130 lbs may be my ideal weight now, but after I have children and a career, it may be 140, or 150.

Unless you got to 150 by adding lots of muscle, it would not constitute "fit", unless of course you want to strip the term of all meaning. Better to say that in the future you may find 150 to be acceptable for yourself, whereas today you would not.

[ResonanceTheory]

Unless you got to 150 by adding lots of muscle, it would not constitute "fit", unless of course you want to strip the term of all meaning. Better to say that in the future you may find 150 to be acceptable for yourself, whereas today you would not.

 

Well, it might not be FIT, but it will be what your body settles at without extreme effort being applied. For example, my mother has a very strict diet, but as weighed 155 lbs for a long time now. She doesn't understand how she eats so little and yet looses no weight. She works in an office but does yard work on the weekends. She is in her early fifties and was thin for most of her life, until after menopause passed. Now, her joints and back are not strong enough for running--which I believe would be the only thing that would make her shed some of those pounds at this point. But for her, it's not really feasible, and she doesn't have the time or money to join and attend a gym after work.

 

i got her a Wii so she could use it to do some light cardio instead. That thing really gets your heart pumping.

[jahur]

To branch off of jahur; in a word: comfort.

 

ill just get me pipe 'n' slippers!

[Firiel]

Unless you got to 150 by adding lots of muscle, it would not constitute "fit", unless of course you want to strip the term of all meaning. Better to say that in the future you may find 150 to be acceptable for yourself, whereas today you would not.

 

I think that one can be fit at 130 and still be fit at 150. For most heights, the acceptable weight range is more than twenty pounds. And acceptable body fat (for women) is really anywhere from 14% to 24%. For instance, over the summer, I probably weighed about 150 to 155 at 5'10". But I was still thin and fairly in-shape (could've still gone out and run five miles if someone had made me). Now I'm 135. I'm still within the healthy weight range and body fat percentage just like I was 15 to 20 pounds ago. Just my pants are a lot looser.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like it's okay to gain some weight as you get older. Your metabolism is bound to slow down and weight gain is going to become really hard to avoid. I think there's a big difference between "letting yourself go" as we are talking about and doing the typical 10-20 pound weight gain that tends to happen. Sure, if you can be as fit at fifty as you were at twenty that is awesome and super respectable. But even if you gain a few pounds, as long as you are still healthy and fit, I think that's still pretty respectable.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Why do you care about this diabolik? Do you have a fat partner?

[FarthestEdge]

.

2. this is a poor excuse..

 

This p!$$#$ me off. Here's my day- 5 days a week....

 

Get up at 6:00,

nurse baby to 6:30

have a quick shower

Wake up son. Have breakfast as a family. DH leaves for work at 7:20

Get self, son and baby dressed, make sure diaper bag is ready for daycare, make sure son's homework is done, make beds, pack lunch, pack kids in the car.

Drop son off at school.

Drop baby off at daycare.

At work by 9:30

Leave work at 5:30

Home at 6:00*

Dinner at 6:30, Done & cleaned up by 7:15

Bath & Playtime until 8:15

Read to son

Nurse Baby

Kids in bed and asleep by 9:00 (Hopefully sooner, but they don't like to sleep)

Then I start my homework for a course that has a 20-25 hr a week workload while DH sits alone watching TV and folding laundry.

Go to bed between 11:30 and midnight.

 

*IF I go to the gym, those nights there is no bath and my evening time with my children is reduced to about 30 minutes.

 

Weekends include groceries, laundry, housecleaning, finishing schoolwork and trying to find things fun to do with the kids since they see so little of us during the week.

 

This is NOT a BS excuse. This is my life. In my list of priorities, spending the little time available in the evening with my children instead of at the gym is an obvious choice.

 

And don't assume we are eating pizza and burgers either. The majority of our dinners include chicken breast, fish and lots of vegetables and/or salad. Takeout/drive through is limited to once a week, if that. We don't have cookies or chips in our home as a matter of habit. Kids snacks are fruit, veg and yogurt.

 

My weight was gained in spurts when I quit smoking and suffered 3 miscarriages. Losing it is more of a challenge.

 

In any event. I'd rather my kids remember playing with an overweight mother, than not remember playing with her at all.

Every time this topic comes up, I am astounded at the attitude that people who don't put exercise at the TOP of their priority list are labelled as 'lazy', and accused of not caring about their marriage. I'm not lazy, I just value time with my family more than I value being a perfect size 6.

 

I get that you don't want to be a victim of "false advertising" when you get married. But please stop assuming that all fat people are lazy, bonbon eating people who don't care about their spouses or their families. The opposite is often true.

 

Edit to add:

I haven't 'let myself go'...I have "LET myself value my family more than my waistline". And that is a gift to all of us.

[laisla]

perhaps as people get older, have families, and deal with daily life issues, looking as good as they did in their teens or 20s does not become a high priority. i think it's okay to gain some weight while in a relationship. but not to the point where it's extremely unhealthy. like 300-400 lbs.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think everybody brought up very good points in this thread. Specially the fact that men eat bigger portions and more unhealthy food, being with them is tempting for us. I agree it is better if you don't let yourself go either. However being fit and in shape is not the first priority for all people and nothing is wrong with that! If being in shape is really important for you, date someone who thinks the same. I am sure a fitness crazy girl would not let herself go in any situation!

[thejigsup]

Up until I was in my forties I was very thin, a size 3 or 5, and I'm fairly tall, 5'8". With age you begin to put weight on. I will never see size 5 again, and arthiritis prevents me from running and playing tennis the way I used to. I am now a size 14-16 and I like myself fine. My bf thinks I'm hot, he loves boobs and booty! So, all is well in my world. The sexiest thing I know of is a person who accepts their age and doesn't try to look 20 years younger. Don't get me wrong, I wear make-up, have my hair cut and highlighted regularly, and dress well. Still, I don't wear things that would make me look ridiculous! I am a very good-looking 53-year-old woman, and that's okay.

[sophie274]

Hallelujah!

 

I'm sorry, but it bothers me that the original post is centered on women. This is not a gender problem - I know of a ton of marriages where the woman is super fit and the husband is not. If we're going to focus on gender, how about saying that the load of raising a family falls very heavily on women - studies show that they do much more than their share of housework and child rearing.

 

A lot of people are REALLY busy, and simply have to reorder their priorities. I have plenty of friends of childbearing/having a family age that work 70 hours a week, own houses with all the responsibility that comes with it ... they work out, but if they had children, I'm sure it might fall by the wayside. Not all of us can go by on 4 hours of sleep a night, so something's got to give.

[diabolik]

ResTheory, the first law of thermodynamics applies as much to your mother as to anyone else. If she consumes fewer calories than she burns, she MUST lose weight. Now if she goes overboard on this, like many women do when they diet, she will gain weight rapidly as soon as she goes back to a normal diet.

 

Good for you encouraging her to be more active.

 

 

Well it depends on the mix of muscle and fat in that extra 20 pounds. If someone is "fit" at 130, I don't see how we can label the same person as "fit" at 150, if all of the gain comes from fat. And if we call that person "fit" at 150, what if they gain another 10 pounds of fat? Are they still "fit" because they only gained another 7% in weight?

 

 

Sure metabolism slows down, happens to everyone. So we burn fewer calories. Isn't the obvious answer to consume fewer calories - i.e., keep things in balance?

 

 

No, but I have seen enough women balloon after marriage and then again, after kids, that it's something I worry about. And I can assure you that any guy in the US who keeps himself in shape worries about this happening to his gf/wife - they may not tell her b/c women typically go nuclear when weight is discussed, but he's thinking it all the same. Anyway, understanding the phenomena may help me counteract it in my own relationships.

 

As an aside, I know most everyone here will assume that I like skinny girls. I don't. I'm most attracted to the fit/athletic type.

 

 

Sounds obvious to me as well.

 

 

Again, as I've stated multiple times in this thread, diet is just as important as exercise. I would suggest that your busy work/family life entails you burning a decent number of calories. If you are still unhappy with your weight, which judging from your response, you are, then I suggest you focus on your diet. Calories in/calories out - applies to busy moms too.

 

 

I don't assume that. See my earlier comment:

 

 

 

Ummm, you're leaving yourself quite a lot of wiggle room. You might want to check with your bf about how he would feel if you were 250 lbs. :splat:

[Scorpion Fury]

There's a difference between changing as your age, and just flat out letting yourself go. Everyone will age eventually, and likely put on some weight. But some young and perfectly healthy people just get comfortable and start packing on the pounds. And then when it bothers their partner, suddenly their partner is a jerk for not being as attracted to their partner who has put on 60 pounds of fat.

[rocio]

I think the point is that you don't want to start lecturing women who have young children. We work harder than anyone else you know and our lives are not easy.

 

I have no problem with you deciding that it is extremely important to you to have a fit wife, and it is completely within your right to define "fit" in your own way. I would recommend looking for a partner who enjoys physical activities and has an active lifestyle. Not just someone who goes to the gym every day because she wants to look hot, but rather someone who enjoys a wide range of sports and activities and does them because she loves them.

[ghost69]

i take care of my body, i expect that from any woman i'm into. it's a lifestyle i tend to leave. if i had a kid with a girl, i would hope she felt compelled to work out. i know plenty of mothers that still find time to hit it up a gym and eat well. why? cause kids aren't their excuse. they want to look good for themselves and their husbands/bfs.

[laisla]

Ummm, you're leaving yourself quite a lot of wiggle room. You might want to check with your bf about how he would feel if you were 250 lbs.

 

well it was an example obviously there is a lot of wiggle room. i'm not being exact here. but a man who is 200 lbs can be okay. some guys are really tall and muscular at around 240 lbs or so. they look fine.

[rocio]

i take care of my body, i expect that from any woman i'm into. it's a lifestyle i tend to leave. if i had a kid with a girl, i would hope she felt compelled to work out. i know plenty of mothers that still find time to hit it up a gym and eat well. why? cause kids aren't their excuse. they want to look good for themselves and their husbands/bfs.

 

 

And that's perfectly fine for the two of you to make that choice. However, other people may make other choices and that's ok too.

 

Perhaps education and learning is a big priority for someone else. They may chose to spend their spare time getting another degree or learning new skills. Perhaps that is something that they value. They're not going to come on here and tell you that you're stupid or lack motivation for not pursuing more education.

 

It's just a choice. Those are your priorities, and it's great that you want to look for a woman who shares your lifestyle. But leave it up to other people to make their own decisions.