Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[ResonanceTheory]

Up until I was in my forties I was very thin, a size 3 or 5, and I'm fairly tall, 5'8". With age you begin to put weight on. I will never see size 5 again, and arthiritis prevents me from running and playing tennis the way I used to. I am now a size 14-16 and I like myself fine. My bf thinks I'm hot, he loves boobs and booty! So, all is well in my world. The sexiest thing I know of is a person who accepts their age and doesn't try to look 20 years younger. Don't get me wrong, I wear make-up, have my hair cut and highlighted regularly, and dress well. Still, I don't wear things that would make me look ridiculous! I am a very good-looking 53-year-old woman, and that's okay.

 

You sound just like my mom! (not to make you feel old, heh )

 

Diabolik, you're right. My mom's basal metabolic rate must be very, very low if she does not lose weight eating as she does...however, I don't think it would be healthy for her to eat any less, and arthritis and deteriorating vertebral disks prevent her from running or even excessive walking. Bad knees make cycling a pain. The Wii is something fun that we do together and that gives her heart a bit of exercise, but at this point, I don't see it as feasible for her to start going to the gym.

 

I know you just see these things as excuses, but for a lot of people, these are realities.

[Alezia]

I think it's so absurd to advise people to "eat less calories". Sure, we can all do that.. but it might not be viable in the long-term if you eat so little calories that you can't even absorb you nutrition from food and need to rely on fake vitamins and supplements.

 

There is a bare minimum of calories you should eat in order to be healthy to get the proper vitamins/minerals needed by your body, and that should definetly trump being "thin". People are starting to put artificial sweetners and a bunch of other crap in their body so they can remain under the calorie limit which makes them a size 2. Would you rather have a wife who's in a hospital bed at 60-70 from all the bad choices she made just so she could be thin, or would you have one that's healthy but 10lbs heavier?

 

It's great if you are able to work the extra calories off, but let's face it - don't ask a handicapped person to run...

[StrawberryYogurt]

It's just a choice. Those are your priorities, and it's great that you want to look for a woman who shares your lifestyle. But leave it up to other people to make their own decisions.

 

Yes, but for people like Ghost and myself, the fewer women there are who value being fit and healthy, the fewer are our suitable options for marriage.

 

There is NO excuse for letting yourself go in a relationship. It's plain dishonest and disrespectful to your partner. Now gaining some pounds b/c of age is ok so long as they're putting in a good effort to maintain themselves.

 

Everyone has time to work out and eat right. It only takes 30 min of good intense exercise a day. President Obama has time to work out, you're busier than Obama? I don't think so.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Would you rather have a wife who's in a hospital bed at 60-70 from all the bad choices she made just so she could be thin, or would you have one that's healthy but 10lbs heavier?

 

As if these are the only 2 options, please......

[rocio]

Yes, but for people like Ghost and myself, the fewer women there are who value being fit and healthy, the fewer are our suitable options for marriage.

 

This has to be one of the funniest things I've read all day. So you've taken it upon yourself to lecture strangers on the internet - strangers who are already married with kids - because you somehow feel that the pool of fit and healthy women is at risk.

[StrawberryYogurt]

This has to be one of the funniest things I've read all day. So you've taken it upon yourself to lecture strangers on the internet - strangers who are already married with kids - because you somehow feel that the pool of fit and healthy women is at risk.

 

Well, it is at risk. I don't want to marry some woman who's going to let herself go and since most women (and to be fair, most men, too) don't keep themselves up in marriage, well you can do the math.

[dragon lady]

Question:

 

How much weight do you think is acceptable to gain? Does it depend on her original size? For example, would you avoid someone who was average weight because they are likely to be fat in a couple of years and opt for the skinny girl?

[FarthestEdge]

Again, as I've stated multiple times in this thread, diet is just as important as exercise. I would suggest that your busy work/family life entails you burning a decent number of calories. If you are still unhappy with your weight, which judging from your response, you are, then I suggest you focus on your diet. Calories in/calories out - applies to busy moms too.

 

 

Again, it takes time to log everything I eat and count calories. You think I don't monitor what I am doing? I drop down to 1000 cals a day and I will pass out. As you stated, parents with small children do a lot of running around. I am NOT an expert on how many calories various day-to-day activities burn, NOR do I have time to calculate the calories of the nutritious meals we try to prepare for our family. I think at this point, the fact that I have managed to lose 15 lbs in a year is pretty darn acceptable. But those sitting high on their fitness thrones looking down their noses at people like me only see where I am NOW, not where I was, why or which direction I am headed.

 

And yes, sure I'd love to be 40 lbs lighter. But right now, I simply haven't got the time. So I accept that the body I have is a direct result of my priorities, and I am ok with that. What I am NOT ok with, is the assumption that I don't care about my marriage because I don't look like I did when I was 17.

 

You think you have all the answers. "Oh it's so simple- can't you stupid fat people see?" The truth is, diet/exercise/nutrition is a tricky thing to balance for anyone who hasn't been educated on the topic and who are inundated with mixed messages in the media telling us everything from we can get ripped with as little as 30 minutes, 3x a week with XYZ machine, to we need to drink this liquid diet to "cleanse the toxins" to the latest...we have the wrong 'colour' of fat. "Eat low fat, no, high protien, no it's all about the glycemic index......." Arrrgh- who has time to sort through all that nonsense. I try to watch the scale, my plate and get some exercise when I can...

 

I refuse to measure my self-worth based on my dress size. Thankfully for me, neither does DH. Oh sure, he'd love it if I were thinner, but it's more important to him that I NOT have a freaking breakdown trying to be perfect.

[Belowtheocean]

alot of times everything catches up with us. Women usually deal with alot more stress and take care of the home and kids and have no time for themselves. It's women who get the chance to drop the kids off at a relatives all the time or a friend who are I guess "lucky" to get a break and take time for themselves...

[FarthestEdge]

Yes, but for people like Ghost and myself, the fewer women there are who value being fit and healthy, the fewer are our suitable options for marriage.

 

There is NO excuse for letting yourself go in a relationship. It's plain dishonest and disrespectful to your partner. Now gaining some pounds b/c of age is ok so long as they're putting in a good effort to maintain themselves.

 

Everyone has time to work out and eat right. It only takes 30 min of good intense exercise a day. President Obama has time to work out, you're busier than Obama? I don't think so.

 

I can barely respond to this.#-o

 

DISHONEST- Is telling your wife "for better or for worse" when you expect her to maintain physical perfection. It means that you're in for the "better" but not for the "worst"

 

DISRESPECTFUL - Is telling her that her physical appearance is the most important thing she has to offer you- so she'd better keep it in check.

 

...So you say you're still single? Hmmm can't imagine why.....

 

Edit to add: Not to suggest that the man isn't busy....BUT- Obama has cooks preparing his meals, staff making his bed and doing his laundry and cleaning his 'house', a personal secretary to keep his life organized, drivers to take his kids to school... Oh yeah, and doesn't he now have a basketball court in the basement of his 'office'? Hardly an apples-to-apples comparison....

 

Not much of a commute for him either......

[Firiel]

Well it depends on the mix of muscle and fat in that extra 20 pounds. If someone is "fit" at 130, I don't see how we can label the same person as "fit" at 150, if all of the gain comes from fat. And if we call that person "fit" at 150, what if they gain another 10 pounds of fat? Are they still "fit" because they only gained another 7% in weight?

 

Not everyone who is fit at 130 can be fit at 150. But I was a college athlete at 150-155 pounds. Through stress and such, I began to drop weight. I had less fat, probably had almost the same muscle mass since I was still working out as much, but I was definitely less fit at 140 than 150. It's just different for everybody

 

Question:

How much weight do you think is acceptable to gain? Does it depend on her original size? For example, would you avoid someone who was average weight because they are likely to be fat in a couple of years and opt for the skinny girl?

 

For myself, I would never like to be much more than 165. I would still be in the healthy range, I wouldn't be more than a size or two bigger than I am now, but I'm allowing myself a little wiggle room in case there are babies and slowed metabolism in my future.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I agree with this, and this is what I was getting at in my second point.

 

I personally don't see what the HUGE deal is if someone gains a FEW extra pounds. But letting themself go entirely... hmm... I'd try and get us BOTH in better shape. Not just put all the pressure on my oved one to lose weight (even if I haven't put on pounds). I feel it's usually a result of MONTHS and maybe years of not taking care of themself. Why? Usually to spend more time with me. Hehe.

[dragon lady]

For myself, I would never like to be much more than 165. I would still be in the healthy range, I wouldn't be more than a size or two bigger than I am now, but I'm allowing myself a little wiggle room in case there are babies and slowed metabolism in my future.

 

I went from about 110 lbs to 130 lbs in a 3 year relationship. He complained about my fat a lot towards the end. He had gained about the same amount himself, but I didn't care at all.

 

Is 20 lbs too much?

[StrawberryYogurt]

I can barely respond to this.#-o

 

DISHONEST- Is telling your wife "for better or for worse" when you expect her to maintain physical perfection. It means that you're in for the "better" but not for the "worst"

 

DISRESPECTFUL - Is telling her that her physical appearance is the most important thing she has to offer you- so she'd better keep it in check.

 

...So you say you're still single? Hmmm can't imagine why.....

 

Nice personal shot! And you're WRONG!!! I have a girlfriend, thank you very much.

 

Anyway, I'd love her no matter what she looks like, but that doesn't mean I won't feel cheated and disrsepected if she lets herself go entirely.

 

Who said anything about her physical apperance being the most important thing? It's not, but imagine your SO's character deteorirated, their ambition deteroriates, their morals are no longer what they once were, well it's the same thing with weight.

 

When you marry, you should feel like you want to offer yoiur best to your spouse. Otherwise, you're taking them for granted.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I went from about 110 lbs to 130 lbs in a 3 year relationship. He complained about my fat a lot towards the end. He had gained about the same amount himself, but I didn't care at all.

 

Is 20 lbs too much?

 

He was a hypoccrite. 20 lbs is too much, yes, for your age. But it depends also on how you look at 130 vs 110. If you're curvier, you can carry more weight and be and look healthy.

[Alezia]

It also depends if you were underweight at 110lbs to begin with or overweight at 110lbs I'd say as well.

 

Heck, I already gained 20lbs in the course of a relationship, and I think I'd rather just dump his ass if he complained. So I guess both parties win after all, it might not be such a bad thing =D

I guess you need to set your own starndards.

If my partner still maintains an active lifestyle (either sports, the gym etc...) and eats healthily, that's good enough for me. It might not be for others, but they aren't in my relationship either.

[Alezia]

I wonder if most guys here would be "happier" to have a wife with an anorexic, bulimic, barely eating or whatever other eating disorder over one that is heavier - just so they can say they have a "thin" wife.

[dragon lady]

It also depends if you were underweight at 110lbs to begin with or overweight at 110lbs I'd say as well.

 

Heck, I already gained 20lbs in the course of a relationship, and I think I'd rather just dump his ass if he complained. So I guess both parties win after all, it might not be such a bad thing =D

I guess you need to set your own starndards.

If my partner still maintains an active lifestyle (either sports, the gym etc...) and eats healthily, that's good enough for me. It might not be for others, but they aren't in my relationship either.

 

I'm 5'5, so both are within the healthy range. Obviously I was bigger at 130, but not monstrous.

[dragon lady]

I wonder if most guys here would be "happier" to have a wife with an anorexic, bulimic, barely eating or whatever other eating disorder over one that is heavier - just so they can say they have a "thin" wife.

 

But then he will complain about her not eating anything. This is what happened to me. He would complain when I'd go out and order something small or just a drink. You just can't win.

[Alezia]

But then he will complain about her not eating anything. This is what happened to me. He would complain when I'd go out and order something small or just a drink. You just can't win.

 

Yeah, though I could understand it being weird if it's a nice sit down dinner and you're the only one eating. If it's fast food and you're on the run then it doesn't really matter lol.

I guess you need pretty good about only having the healthier options too, and when people order the good stuff it gets harder.

[diabolik]

Up until I was in my forties I was very thin, a size 3 or 5, and I'm fairly tall, 5'8". With age you begin to put weight on. I will never see size 5 again, and arthiritis prevents me from running and playing tennis the way I used to. I am now a size 14-16 and I like myself fine. My bf thinks I'm hot, he loves boobs and booty! So, all is well in my world. The sexiest thing I know of is a person who accepts their age and doesn't try to look 20 years younger. Don't get me wrong, I wear make-up, have my hair cut and highlighted regularly, and dress well. Still, I don't wear things that would make me look ridiculous! I am a very good-looking 53-year-old woman, and that's okay.

I assume by the bolded comment that you are not disparaging older people who strive to stay fit.

 

I think the point is that you don't want to start lecturing women who have young children. We work harder than anyone else you know and our lives are not easy.

I'm not lecturing anyone to do anything. If someone is happy being fat, so be it. If they're not happy about it, do something about. But don't sit there and whine that it is impossible to lose weight (not directed at you, just generally). And that's what I see a lot of - people not happy with their figure, but hiding behind excuses as to why they can't change.

 

Diabolik, you're right. My mom's basal metabolic rate must be very, very low if she does not lose weight eating as she does...however, I don't think it would be healthy for her to eat any less, and arthritis and deteriorating vertebral disks prevent her from running or even excessive walking. Bad knees make cycling a pain. The Wii is something fun that we do together and that gives her heart a bit of exercise, but at this point, I don't see it as feasible for her to start going to the gym.

 

I know you just see these things as excuses, but for a lot of people, these are realities.

If someone has very limited mobility, obviously getting a decent amount of exercise is tough. But the limited mobility is an even bigger concern than extra weight b/c it's degenerative - use your limbs less, and then you find you can use them even less. Got no answers for you there; I'm sure my father is going to head down that same road, and the fact that he doesn't do the activities that he's currently capable of doing only accelerates the process.

 

As for the diet part, I don't know by how much your mother is overweight. But as an example, say she's 30 pounds overweight - the idea is to consume *just below* (maybe 5-10%) her caloric burn rate so that *slow* weight loss results as her body burns excess fat to make up for the caloric deficit. The burn rate itself is an estimate, but you fine tune as go along and see if weight is being gained/lost and at what rate. Dramatically undereating is definitely unhealthy, which is why I hate to see women go on crash diets.

 

I think it's so absurd to advise people to "eat less calories". Sure, we can all do that.. but it might not be viable in the long-term if you eat so little calories that you can't even absorb you nutrition from food and need to rely on fake vitamins and supplements.

 

It's great if you are able to work the extra calories off, but let's face it - don't ask a handicapped person to run...

Ah, the classic false dichotomy offered against losing weight. See my response to ResonanceTheory above.

 

President Obama has time to work out, you're busier than Obama? I don't think so.

Zing!

 

For example, would you avoid someone who was average weight because they are likely to be fat in a couple of years and opt for the skinny girl?

I would avoid someone of average weight (and average muscle/fat composition) b/c they are already fat. Average in the US today = fat.

[dragon lady]

I would avoid someone of average weight b/c they are already fat. Average in the US today = fat.

 

Haha. I would avoid someone average too. I guess I meant average healthy weight for a given height.

[diabolik]

It's great if you are able to work the extra calories off, but let's face it - don't ask a handicapped person to run...

Another bogus argument. What % of the US adult population is handicapped? What % is overweight?

[diabolik]

Again, it takes time to log everything I eat and count calories. You think I don't monitor what I am doing? I drop down to 1000 cals a day and I will pass out. As you stated, parents with small children do a lot of running around. I am NOT an expert on how many calories various day-to-day activities burn, NOR do I have time to calculate the calories of the nutritious meals we try to prepare for our family. I think at this point, the fact that I have managed to lose 15 lbs in a year is pretty darn acceptable. But those sitting high on their fitness thrones looking down their noses at people like me only see where I am NOW, not where I was, why or which direction I am headed.

I agree, losing 15 lbs in a year is respectable. Good for you!

 

Yes, if you consume 1000 calories/day, you will suffer unhealthy consequences. Who suggested you do that?

 

To lose 15 lbs in a year, you must have been consuming just a little bit less than you are burning. That's the way to do it! No need for complicated formulas if you monitor your diet and your weight. If a steady diet doesn't result in weight loss for a given level of activity, eat *slightly* less. Repeat until there is a slow rate of weight loss.

 

And yes, sure I'd love to be 40 lbs lighter. But right now, I simply haven't got the time. So I accept that the body I have is a direct result of my priorities, and I am ok with that. What I am NOT ok with, is the assumption that I don't care about my marriage because I don't look like I did when I was 17.

You can lose more weight doing what you've already been doing. But if you're happy with the extra 40 lbs, keep it. If your hubby is happy with your weight, great!

 

You think you have all the answers. "Oh it's so simple- can't you stupid fat people see?" The truth is, diet/exercise/nutrition is a tricky thing to balance for anyone who hasn't been educated on the topic and who are inundated with mixed messages in the media telling us everything from we can get ripped with as little as 30 minutes, 3x a week with XYZ machine, to we need to drink this liquid diet to "cleanse the toxins" to the latest...we have the wrong 'colour' of fat. "Eat low fat, no, high protien, no it's all about the glycemic index......." Arrrgh- who has time to sort through all that nonsense. I try to watch the scale, my plate and get some exercise when I can...

Totally agree that much of what the media puts out there about diet and exercise is rubbish. But the basic rule is not that tricky - consume a little less than you burn, and you lose weight in a healthy manner. You figured out how to lose 15 lbs in a year. If you are so inclined, you can lose another 15 lbs in the coming year.

 

I refuse to measure my self-worth based on my dress size. Thankfully for me, neither does DH. Oh sure, he'd love it if I were thinner, but it's more important to him that I NOT have a freaking breakdown trying to be perfect.

False dichotomy. I'm sure he'd love it if you were thinner AND not suffering from a breakdown. And I'm sure you can accomplish that if you really wanted to.

[diabolik]

Not everyone who is fit at 130 can be fit at 150. But I was a college athlete at 150-155 pounds. Through stress and such, I began to drop weight. I had less fat, probably had almost the same muscle mass since I was still working out as much, but I was definitely less fit at 140 than 150. It's just different for everybody.

Losing fat won't make you feel unhealthy, unless you got too lean (e.g., if you got under 10% bodyfat) or lost the fat too quickly. You probably had less muscle mass as well, which combined with the stress made you feel less healthy. Note that doing the same exercises with the same weight/intensity doesn't mean you didn't lose muscle mass - you very well may have, but you increased neuromuscular efficiency.

 

I went from about 110 lbs to 130 lbs in a 3 year relationship. He complained about my fat a lot towards the end. He had gained about the same amount himself, but I didn't care at all.

Unless he is the same height/frame/weight/body composition as you, comparing your 20lb gain to his is somewhat meaningless.

 

I wonder if most guys here would be "happier" to have a wife with an anorexic, bulimic, barely eating or whatever other eating disorder over one that is heavier - just so they can say they have a "thin" wife.

Another false dichotomy. Most guys would be happier having a fit and healthy wife.

 

I hear this kind of nonsense all the time. I was on a date with a woman who turned out to be huge - maybe a size 20(?), and she was b****ing how some guys are only interested in size 0 girls. I'm thinking "Wait a sec - there are about 9 sizes between you and the size 0 girl. When you get to a size 2, your rant will seem less ridiculous."