Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[diabolik]

Another one I've seen a lot is she eats very small quantities of "bad food" ex: chips, pepsi etc... with almost no exercice.

The type of girl who is satisfied eating 5 chips and one pepsi for lunch time.

Well, if they don't exercise, those types are easy enough to avoid. But yeah, small quantities of bad food make a big difference, as WhatThe's earlier example makes clear.

 

A friend of mine did plenty of exercise and, for the most part, ate very healthy, but she *poured* sugar into her coffee. Maybe 6 teaspoons worth. I tried talking to her about it, but to no avail. Once she has children and cannot exercise seven days/week, that habit is going to catch up with her in a hurry.

 

I know I am guilty of doing #4 occassionally. If I did something terrible ex a test, didn't get my promotion etc..., I'll try to go out with my partner to the restaurant, grab something unhealthy ex: a plate of nachos and a beer, talk and unwind.

I think there is a difference between that and "sneaking chips, cookies etc..." in the car on a daily basis.

Does that mean I want to be fat and don't care about fitness? No.. it just means I'm human too.

What I meant by eating poorly when emotional is something more persistent than what you're describing. Sure, almost all of us will indulge once in a while when feeling down about something. But say you failed a test, do you eat nachos and beer (or the equivalent) for a week or more? Some people do, and that's what I was getting at.

[Seraphim]

Yes, some people do, but they have had more happen in their life than a failed test. There are people who have had significant abuse in their life and food is one thing they can control until it controls them. This requires extensive therapy to repair.

[rocio]

Does that mean I want to be fat and don't care about fitness? No.. it just means I'm human too.

 

No, it just means that you shouldn't marry diabolik.

[WhatThe]

Not to mention that your wife would probably file for divorce in CO long before you were legally entitled to file for divorce elsewhere.

 

But this has really become a parallel sub-thread. WhatThe, as I suggested earlier, you might want to start a separate thread on the how best to cope with your situation. And maybe another one discussing divorce law - and I agree with you, some of these laws are mind-boggling and create very perverse incentives.

 

Your story has been very instructive for me, and I thank you for sharing it here. After reading all this, I will certainly research the divorce laws in my state before marrying here.

 

 

Exactly. Even if we moved somewhere else, 5 months and 29 days later she could file for divorce in CO. We have no reason to move. I'm pretty sure she would see the light long before six months.

 

I am done posting on this thread. I am glad that I have gotten through to at least one person with the message that marriage has become nothing but a financial framework that allows the courts and the government to control your future. When the time comes, I will advise my kids to avoid legal marriage at all costs.

 

If you do choose to marry, it must be only with someone whom you have an iron-clad feeling that they are solid in who they are, and you need to KNOW who you are. In my opinion, that means you should not marry until your mid-30's at the earliest. Both of you should have equal careers, and you should be confident that they will want to continue that. And, I think everyone should have a pre-nuptial agreement specifying terms of divorce. If the person you are marrying refuses to sign it, it is a good indication they would screw you in a divorce. It is for their protection as well as yours.

 

If you are already married, and things are going south, don't 'hang in' for the kids or for any other reason. Get out before you are trapped. Give your spouse a reasonable chance, and if they don't make progress, leave.

[waveseer]

Excellent advice. Life is too short to spend it miserable.

[Alezia]

Well, if they don't exercise, those types are easy enough to avoid. But yeah, small quantities of bad food make a big difference, as WhatThe's earlier example makes clear.

 

A friend of mine did plenty of exercise and, for the most part, ate very healthy, but she *poured* sugar into her coffee. Maybe 6 teaspoons worth. I tried talking to her about it, but to no avail. Once she has children and cannot exercise seven days/week, that habit is going to catch up with her in a hurry.

 

I was mostly pointing at those who don't eat healthily at all. If she really wants to, she could easily just cut the coffee habit without having to change her entire eating routine.

 

The ones I'm talking about, they just "count calories" and don't eat well.

If you eat 5 chips a day but healthily the rest of the time, that's no big deal.

 

If this is your menu for the day (This is someone I know personally):

Breakfast: 1 toast with peanut butter

Lunch: 5 chips and 1 pepsi

Snack: 1 pepsi

Supper: 1 pepsi and 1/4 cup of rice, 2 bites of chicken, 2 bites of salad

 

She's a size 00, but you wouldn't think she eats that badly unless you saw it with your own eyes.

[Alezia]

Yes, some people do, but they have had more happen in their life than a failed test. There are people who have had significant abuse in their life and food is one thing they can control until it controls them. This requires extensive therapy to repair.

 

Yes, but I think if the other sees that the partner is going through therapy, making some changes at least in making the situation better, it's a whole lot very different than ignoring the situation or putting the blame on others.

[diabolik]

I was mostly pointing at those who don't eat healthily at all. If she really wants to, she could easily just cut the coffee habit without having to change her entire eating routine.

 

The ones I'm talking about, they just "count calories" and don't eat well.

If you eat 5 chips a day but healthily the rest of the time, that's no big deal.

 

If this is your menu for the day (This is someone I know personally):

Breakfast: 1 toast with peanut butter

Lunch: 5 chips and 1 pepsi

Snack: 1 pepsi

Supper: 1 pepsi and 1/4 cup of rice, 2 bites of chicken, 2 bites of salad

 

She's a size 00, but you wouldn't think she eats that badly unless you saw it with your own eyes.

I see what you're saying. Yeah, I would never seriously date a woman like that, even if she's a size 00 and looked like a model.

 

Yes, but I think if the other sees that the partner is going through therapy, making some changes at least in making the situation better, it's a whole lot very different than ignoring the situation or putting the blame on others.

+1

 

Sure, sometimes the problem is bigger than the individual and his/her partner can address. Taking action, even if it means seeking therapy, which ultimately hands control back to the individual, is something you will never see me criticize. If that same person wallows in their bowl of high sugar cereal and refuses to do anything, well, I think I've been pretty clear about how I feel about that.

[waveseer]

I don't worry too much about my partner's eating, he is after all an adult. I figure any man who can keep up with me must be healthy enough.

[diabolik]

I don't worry too much about my partner's eating, he is after all an adult. I figure any man who can keep up with me must be healthy enough.

And since you're 45, I'm guessing your partner is old enough that poor eating habits would make their results known pretty quickly. So your rule of thumb works well and you don't have to worry about what he eats.

 

This is often not the case for people in their 20s, and sometimes even 30s. But the piper will have to be paid someday.

[EQD]

oh i saw a thin tall girl once come in to the dojo, and in her hands none other than a package of poptarts and a mountian dew.

apparently what she was eating for dinner.

[waveseer]

And since you're 45, I'm guessing your partner is old enough that poor eating habits would make their results known pretty quickly. So your rule of thumb works well and you don't have to worry about what he eats.

 

This is often not the case for people in their 20s, and sometimes even 30s. But the piper will have to be paid someday.

 

My current bf is in his 20's. He is as fine an example of manhood as I could ask for, why should I worry? Maybe I can have this attitude because I'm no longer in the baby making business so I don't have to worry about coronaries at 50.

[Honey Pumpkin]

No worries, I wondered if - at age 35 - you weigh the same now as you do when you were 20. And what that was.

 

Horrible being badgered about your weight, isn't it? If you feel I've crossed the line by being curious about your own weight, my apologies, and please of course feel free to report me.

 

I do find your reluctance to divulge fascinating given this thread and your stated preferences. I daresay you are a muscular, fit guy who weighs the same now as he did when he was 20, and the reason you're not sharing is modesty.

[diabolik]

No worries, I wondered if - at age 35 - you weigh the same now as you do when you were 20. And what that was.

 

Horrible being badgered about your weight, isn't it? If you feel I've crossed the line by being curious about your own weight, my apologies, and please of course feel free to report me.

 

I do find your reluctance to divulge fascinating given this thread and your stated preferences. I daresay you are a muscular, fit guy who weighs the same now as he did when he was 20, and the reason you're not sharing is modesty.

Again, my weight has no relevance to this thread. I have already told you that I am in shape, and that the kind of woman I'm attracted to would not be interested in me if I were not. Please stop sidetracking this thread.

 

If you are really curious about my weight and what I look like, let me suggest this. From what I recall of another post of yours, you live not very far from me, and since I live in the biggest city in this part of the country, I imagine you visit it periodically. I would be happy to meet you in person, and you can see for yourself what I look like - which will give you a better idea than a number ever could.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Again, my weight has no relevance to this thread. I have already told you that I am in shape, and that the kind of woman I'm attracted to would not be interested in me if I were not. Please stop sidetracking this thread.

 

If you are really curious about my weight and what I look like, let me suggest this. From what I recall of another post of yours, you live not very far from me, and since I live in the biggest city in this part of the country, I imagine you visit it periodically. I would be happy to meet you in person, and you can see for yourself what I look like - which will give you a better idea than a number ever could.

 

I live in the UK.

 

Well, if you won't share your height/weight (and I do think it pertinent, btw), at least tell me if you're the same weight as you were when you were 20 - given as this is very much the issue that you ARE discussing at great length, with regards to women.

[diabolik]

I live in the UK.

 

Well, if you won't share your height/weight (and I do think it pertinent, btw), at least tell me if you're the same weight as you were when you were 20 - given as this is very much the issue that you ARE discussing at great length, with regards to women.

No, the issue is with regards to weight gain in relationships, not about weight gain since the age of 20.

 

And to put an end to your childish pestering on an irrelevant tangent, I weigh 10 pounds more than when I was 20, and with a lower bodyfat % than I had at 20 (I've gained muscle and lost fat). As for an example of fitness, I ride my bike for 5 miles as a warmup - then I ride another 70. I could similarly badger you about why your posts in this thread reek of defensiveness, but I won't.

 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

[woebegone]

I will chime in and agree that most of my thin friends eat absolute crap. Fast food, sugary drinks etc. My best friend is 100 pounds soaking wet. I, on the other hand, eat a balanced 1500 calories a day and exercise, and am still slightly overweight, but pretty happy with my body. I think genetics is at least partially at play here. There are also different definitions of "health". I would bet good money that I am healthier than a couple of my size 2 friends...

[StrawberryYogurt]

I will chime in and agree that most of my thin friends eat absolute crap. Fast food, sugary drinks etc. My best friend is 100 pounds soaking wet. I, on the other hand, eat a balanced 1500 calories a day and exercise, and am still slightly overweight, but pretty happy with my body. I think genetics is at least partially at play here. There are also different definitions of "health". I would bet good money that I am healthier than a couple of my size 2 friends...

 

Lest anyone of you women here think we're being shallow and only care about looks, I would absolutely prefer you to your thinner friends who don't eat well at all. You actually sound like my G/F except she's not overweight, but she is not thin either.

 

To reiterate: It's not really about weight, it's about effort.

[woebegone]

That's nice to hear, Strawberry. Not to mention that women who develop bad eating habits early on (yet remain thin) will usually get a big surprise when their metabolism slows with age... You're better off sticking with a healthy, curvy woman who knows how to eat and exercise. IMO.

 

I'm also curious as to how this thread became focused on women gaining weight, when there is no statistical evidence that they gain more weight than men in relationships, in fact, it might even be the other way around. Anyone have those stats?

[diabolik]

I'm also curious as to how this thread became focused on women gaining weight, when there is no statistical evidence that they gain more weight than men in relationships, in fact, it might even be the other way around. Anyone have those stats?

We can talk about why guys get fat in relationships too! This thread is not gender specific. A lot of the stories shared have involved women, that's all. One poster talked about her bf, and I asked some followup questions, but no response yet.

 

I haven't seen any stats on men vs. women gaining weight in relationships. Yes, it might be that men gain more than women, but it really should be normalized (i.e., weight gain as a % of bodyweight - i.e., a 220 pound fit man can afford to put on more weight before becoming overweight than a 120 pound fit woman) for it to be meaningful.

[woebegone]

We can talk about why guys get fat in relationships too! This thread is not gender specific. A lot of the stories shared have involved women, that's all. One poster talked about her bf, and I asked some followup questions, but no response yet.

 

Probably because men put slightly more emphasis on appearance/weight than women do? I'm backing this up with no statistical evidence, mind you. My SO has gained 40 pounds in our 4 years together, and I haven't lost any attraction to him. It's a small matter in the whole context of our relationship. When you find "the right woman" it may become a smaller matter to you as well. Or not. All priorities I guess.

 

I haven't seen any stats on men vs. women gaining weight in relationships. Yes, it might be that men gain more than women, but it really should be normalized (i.e., weight gain as a % of bodyweight - i.e., a 220 pound fit man can afford to put on more weight before becoming overweight than a 120 pound fit woman) for it to be meaningful.

 

Of course.

[Seraphim]

My spouse gained 50 pounds and lost it and gained it and lost it and gained it.

[FarthestEdge]

Diabolik,

 

I know I said I was done with this post. But I realized that I have the answer for you! One single word you already had in your head before you typed your first word...

 

Based on everything you have said, and your responses to everyone who has tried to explain why/how they have 'let themselves go' in marriage.

 

Ready?

 

For you there is only one answer:

 

Excuses.

 

That's it. Because to you there IS no excuse, explanation or reason that is acceptable.

 

So why you keep deriding others for hijacking the thread, and telling those who ask questions you don't want to answer, is beyond me. Because from the start, you knew that in your mind, there is NO excuse. So the entire thread has been pointless and served no purpose but to try to make us less than physically perfect people feel inferior.

 

And you had me for awhile there too. I normally don't take this personally, but you had me going. Until I realized you weren't actually looking for understanding.

 

Because you had your answer all along.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for....

[diabolik]

Actually this thread provided various answers to the question that is the title of the thread, and I've definitely learned from it.

 

And I have answered just about every topic-relevant question, and even some non-topic relevant questions, that have been asked of me, which is no easy feat given a thread over 30 pages in length and one that has generated the level of hostility that this thread has.

 

And while you may not believe me, I am grateful for your participation in the thread. We obviously have differences of opinion on various issues raised herein, and I think I set forth our areas of disagreement in my last reply to your earlier post, and I'll just leave it at that, unless there is some specific aspect of that you wish to discuss.

[melrich]

This has run its course.