Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[diabolik]

In my relationship, it was him. He put on about 40 pounds and became extremely lazy IMO. I work to be trim and fit because I want to look good and to help with my career. Plus it's good to be healthy. Simple as that, really.

Why do you think he allowed himself to get out of shape? Comfort, or did he not care about fitness in the first place, but did it temporarily just to find a gf, or something else?

 

So to everybody, unless you're the one that has to sleep with them, quit worrying about it.

I'm trying to figure out how I can avoid getting into that situation. Worrying about it only after I'm in it may not do me much good. If only a small percentage of this country was overweight, I'd be a lot less interested in the whole topic, and would not have started this thread.

 

(diabolik, feel free to multi-quote me

Granted.

 

I wish more people would multi-quote me. Perhaps then there wouldn't be so many misinterpretations or mischaracterizations of what I've written.

 

You do see a lot of people who sort of "give up" on their physical appearance after marriage. But if that scares you then I think the signs are always theire before they get married.

 

So my advice would be first...understand that in a long term relationship people will change is some way and secondly they almost always give tells of those changes early days.

You obviously have not read WhatThe's posts in this thread.

 

Believe me, if the signs are obvious, I'm steering clear. The problem is they're not always obvious. If I can better understand why it happens, then I'm in a better position to help do something about it.

 

have you done external readings as to why people get out of shape in relationships? they might help you.

No, got any books you'd suggest?

[laisla]

No, got any books you'd suggest?

 

don't know about any books but there is lots of information out on the internet. search weight gain after marriage.

 

anyways. might want to add in your wedding vows that you and your wife will not become lazy or let themselves go.

[melrich]

You obviously have not read WhatThe's posts in this thread.

 

The signs will have been there.

 

if the signs are obvious

 

I did not say they were obvious. But if you KNOW someone, as you should before you marry someone, you will understand their propensity to become a type of person.

[diabolik]

I DID see a lawyer. He called my situation a worst case scenario, and advised me to avoid divorce at all costs.

 

That is what I am doing.

Geez, this is ridiculous. Given that your relationship with your wife is poor, is there a risk that she will file for divorce? Maybe even do it to spite you, knowing that you are hanging in the marriage b/c divorce terms would be so onerous on you?

 

Not sure that it really matters, but how old are your kids?

 

Anyway, maybe you should start a thread on this. You've already gotten the legal advice, but as others have said, this kind of relationship has to be tough on the both of you, so if you're going to stay in it, you might as well seek advice on how to make the best of it.

[diabolik]

anyways. might want to add in your wedding vows that you and your wife will not become lazy or let themselves go.

Ha! Then she'll be on ENA starting a thread about her fiancee wanting a pre-nup with a weigh-in clause.

[laisla]

Ha! Then she'll be on ENA starting a thread about her fiancee wanting a pre-nup with a weigh-in clause.

 

hey i did not say fat, i said lazy

[diabolik]

The signs will have been there.

 

 

 

I did not say they were obvious. But if you KNOW someone, as you should before you marry someone, you will understand their propensity to become a type of person.

OK, I'm interested. Do you know what signs to look for besides the obvious one like:

(gender bashing police: to avoid cumbersome wording, I'll use "she" since I'm writing from a guy's perspective, but could easily be "he")

1. she is not interested in fitness and is just skating by on the fast metabolism of youth

2. she is only interested in keeping in shape for me, not for herself

3. she keeps in shape with lots of exercise, but her eating habits are poor (i.e., when she has less time to exercise, she may not modify her eating habits accordingly)

4. her eating habits deteriorate significantly when she is emotional (i.e., she turns to food for comfort)

 

OK, so I know enough to look for these signs. What else?

[diabolik]

^^^^

I knew this would happen and this is why I didn't respond to Indigo's off-topic question. Please let's not derail this thread.

 

Indigo, grymoire, and anyone else who is interested in Indigo's hypothetical, please do so in a new thread. Threads are free! :splat:

[melrich]

OK, so I know enough to look for these signs.

 

All those things you list may give you additional pointers but it is not so much eating habits and exercise habits.

 

It is what sort of person are they? Do they tend toward laziness? Do they make lots of excuses for things? Do they blame others? Do they take responsibility? Do they listen? Do they take the lead or sit back? Are they proud? Do they stand up for themselves or roll over? How is their self esteem?

 

By the time you marry someone (IMHO) someone should be able to give you a hypothetical scenario and you should be able to about 95% predict how your future spouse would react/cope/solve/behave.

 

The tendency to find comfort in comfort is an easy one to pick and they always give you the signs.

[grymoire]

^^^^

I knew this would happen and this is why I didn't respond to Indigo's off-topic question. Please let's not derail this thread.

 

Indigo, grymoire, and anyone else who is interested in Indigo's hypothetical, please do so in a new thread. Threads are free!

 

no worries man... i deleted my post

[annie24]

i totally agree with melrich.

 

1. she is not interested in fitness and is just skating by on the fast metabolism of youth

2. she is only interested in keeping in shape for me, not for herself

3. she keeps in shape with lots of exercise, but her eating habits are poor (i.e., when she has less time to exercise, she may not modify her eating habits accordingly)

4. her eating habits deteriorate significantly when she is emotional (i.e., she turns to food for comfort)

 

i think you can in some ways, learn more about someone during the tough times than the easy times. sure, when life is good, the romance is good, everyone is happy. but maybe when they are having problems at work or their family - yes, how do they react? do they withdraw, get depressed, eat everything in the house, exercise too much, etc....? how do they handle stress and upsetting situations?

 

for me, one of the things i've learned about staying in shape and eating healthy is that it has to be a habit. not just 'oh, i need to stay slim to attract a man' or whatever, but i've come to accept it as a natural part of staying healthy - similar to brushing your teeth and flossing. sure, it's not always the most fun, but there are certain things you have to do to stay healthy. sometimes when i get really upset and stressed, i let the healthy eating and habits go to the wayside, i creep up on the scale, and then i think i get more depressed because i'm not exercising and not having those endorphins in my system. then i have to force myself to get back in the groove to feel better!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Diabolik, do you have your own hang-ups about your own height/weight? I'm really sorry if you do, of course you don't have to answer my question. I didn't mean to touch a raw nerve. Just found it ironic and slightly entertaining that you possibly do.

[diabolik]

Diabolik, do you have your own hang-ups about your own height/weight? I'm really sorry if you do, of course you don't have to answer my question. I didn't mean to touch a raw nerve. Just found it ironic and slightly entertaining that you possibly do.

HP, I have already responded to your queries about me in a way that is more relevant to this thread than simply providing height and weight (which is blind to muscle/fat composition). As I have already pointed out to you, I have not asked anyone here to provide such details.

 

You find this thread "depressing". You have misquoted and misrepresented my statements in this thread. When a woman shared her story about how she managed to lose weight and maintain her figure despite being a single mother, and in the process shared her stats, you insulted her by suggesting that she felt "compelled to post how 'thin' they are, like it's a badge of pride and they are not to be seen as fat", when in the context of her story, a more reasonable interpretation was that she was proud of her efforts and was painting a picture for us by providing details of the amount of weight she had lost. You have badgered me multiple times for my height and weight, stats that are irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

 

I suggest you review your own behavior in this thread, and ask yourself why it is you feel and react the way you do here. If you have comments that are relevant to the thread topic, they are most welcome. If you think that I have very idiosyncratic preferences, then feel free to dismiss me as eccentric, and ignore this thread.

[diabolik]

It is what sort of person are they? Do they tend toward laziness? Do they make lots of excuses for things? Do they blame others? Do they take responsibility? Do they listen? Do they take the lead or sit back? Are they proud? Do they stand up for themselves or roll over? How is their self esteem?

These are great questions to consider in the context of a relationship. And I suppose the answers will tell you much more about a person than just their proclivity to allow themselves to fall out of shape.

 

By the time you marry someone (IMHO) someone should be able to give you a hypothetical scenario and you should be able to about 95% predict how your future spouse would react/cope/solve/behave.

I've never done this exercise with anyone I've been involved with, but the benefits are obvious. This should be a mandatory pre-marriage exercise to obtain a marriage license. Thanks.

 

The tendency to find comfort in comfort is an easy one to pick and they always give you the signs.

Did you intend to write "to find comfort in food"? If not, I don't get what you are driving at here.

[WhatThe]

WhatThe - wow, i really did not know people went to jail for not paying alimony. would they catch a person right away or only after them not paying for many months?

 

 

 

that is truly awful

 

What happens is that the person receiving the alimony goes to the court and requests a hearing. The judge hears the facts, and if the fact is that the money has not been paid, for ANY reason, the non-payer is held in contempt of court. At that point, the person's wages are garnished. If they don't have any wages, they are told to put a plan in place to sell assets to pay the arrears. If they have no assets, they are generally thrown in jail as a 'lesson', and when they are released, they go into the same post incarceration system that all 'criminals' are put into. The arrears are NEVER erased, and future wages are garnished forever if necessary to pay off the 'debt'.

 

It gets even goofier. Lets say A and B divorce, and A, who makes $50K per year, is ordered to pay B 30% of their gross income. Now A goes off and marries C, who also makes $50K a year. Guess what? B can now go to court and ask for an increase in alimony based on the fact that A's gross income has doubled!!!!

 

Now consider this. Let's say in the same scenario, A lost their job, and was $20,000 in arrears on their alimony. A then meets C, and they marry. Two weeks after marriage, A dies of a heart attack. Guess who now owes B alimony? That's right! Monthly alimony ends when A dies, but the arrears must be paid by C! We actually have in this country second wives who are paying their dead husband's first wives alimony!!!!

 

I was totally unaware of this system before we were in mediation. I spent hours researching this, because I just couldn't believe that in the United States, in the 21st Century, that someone could actually be ordered to pay someone else huge amounts of money for life, under the threat of jail, for no reason other than they were married at one time. It seems to be a clear violation of the 13th Amendment against involuntary servitude, and some states agree and have modified their laws, but others like CO, FL, CA, OR, and MA still have these goofy laws in place. I don't know what triggered the laws to change in TX and IL for example, but I know in CO that divorce is such a huge industry for lawyers that it is unlikely to ever change, because guess who runs the legislature? Lawyers. It is so huge here that there actually was a magazine dedicated to the industry!

[Seraphim]

Get divorced in another state?

[WhatThe]

Get divorced in another state?

 

Exactly how do you think that would work?

[Seraphim]

I am sure it is possible. My mother got a divorce from her husband who lived in another province.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Why did you not include my entire quote? That it was interesting that none of the MEN who had posted on this thread felt obliged to post their own height/weight stats.

 

Interesting. That's all I'm saying.

 

Duh, because nobody asked! What a concept! Well since you're curious, 5'8", 145 lbs and I worked my ass off a few years ago to work up to that 145 lbs b/c I was too thin. I do triathlons, duathlons, half marathons, various other races every year for your information.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Get married for the right reasons instead of for what a person looks like and maybe your marraige won't be one of the 50% that ENDS!! Because unfortunately looks don't keep people together either.

 

Don't lecture me or the other guys on here. We've said numerous times we look at everythinig a girl brings to the table and eating and exercising healthy is one of MANY important things, geez.

[WhatThe]

Get divorced in another state?

 

So what, I quit my job, move to some random state, spend six months establishing residency? Meanwhile, what are my wife and kids doing?

 

You can't just file for divorce in another state. You have to live there for six months first.

[Seraphim]

Just giving suggestions no need to be defensive about it.

[diabolik]

So what, I quit my job, move to some random state, spend six months establishing residency? Meanwhile, what are my wife and kids doing?

 

You can't just file for divorce in another state. You have to live there for six months first.

Not to mention that your wife would probably file for divorce in CO long before you were legally entitled to file for divorce elsewhere.

 

But this has really become a parallel sub-thread. WhatThe, as I suggested earlier, you might want to start a separate thread on the how best to cope with your situation. And maybe another one discussing divorce law - and I agree with you, some of these laws are mind-boggling and create very perverse incentives.

 

Your story has been very instructive for me, and I thank you for sharing it here. After reading all this, I will certainly research the divorce laws in my state before marrying here.

[rocio]

So what, I quit my job, move to some random state, spend six months establishing residency? Meanwhile, what are my wife and kids doing?

 

You can't just file for divorce in another state. You have to live there for six months first.

 

Six months in another state sounds much better than a lifetime of staying in this dark place you're at now.

 

Again, you're just making excuse after excuse. The bottom line is this - do what you need to do to get out, OR accept that this is your life and enjoy it.

 

...Or, of course, you could continue being hateful and miserable. It's completely your choice.

[Alezia]

OK, I'm interested. Do you know what signs to look for besides the obvious one like:

(gender bashing police: to avoid cumbersome wording, I'll use "she" since I'm writing from a guy's perspective, but could easily be "he")

1. she is not interested in fitness and is just skating by on the fast metabolism of youth

2. she is only interested in keeping in shape for me, not for herself

3. she keeps in shape with lots of exercise, but her eating habits are poor (i.e., when she has less time to exercise, she may not modify her eating habits accordingly)

4. her eating habits deteriorate significantly when she is emotional (i.e., she turns to food for comfort)

 

OK, so I know enough to look for these signs. What else?

 

Another one I've seen a lot is she eats very small quantities of "bad food" ex: chips, pepsi etc... with almost no exercice.

The type of girl who is satisfied eating 5 chips and one pepsi for lunch time.

 

I know I am guilty of doing #4 occassionally. If I did something terrible ex a test, didn't get my promotion etc..., I'll try to go out with my partner to the restaurant, grab something unhealthy ex: a plate of nachos and a beer, talk and unwind.

I think there is a difference between that and "sneaking chips, cookies etc..." in the car on a daily basis.

Does that mean I want to be fat and don't care about fitness? No.. it just means I'm human too.