Why do people let themselves get out of shape in a relationship?

[diabolik]

Diabolik, what happens then when your looks just decline with age? What happens if illness or some other accident happens leaving you disfigured - or just looking unattractive?

Her sexual attraction isn't a choice. So if I become unattractive, no amount of pleading by me will get her to become sexually attracted.

 

I know you will say that the difference is one is a choice and the other isnt. Whatever truth there is in that does not change the fact that in both cases you are still left with someone you arent sexually attracted to.

Correct. Sometimes fate deals us a very bad hand, and we have to make the best of it.

 

Does that mean that if a woman has health problems or ages or something happens to her which leaves her looking less physically attractive, it's "bad news for the relationship"?

Well, if she has some serious health problem, etc., that leaves her much less physically attractive, sure, I'll be less sexually attracted. Indigo, it's not a choice. But I'll still love her. Could it be bad for the relationship - yes, it could be.

 

But the difference between your hypotheticals, which fortunately are relatively rare (i.e., only a very small percentage of the population has the misfortune of encountering circumstances beyond their control that leave them permanently much less attractive), and the much more common phenomenon - allowing oneself to get out of shape - is that there is control/choice. And that difference can make a major impact on how the partner sees things. Resentment toward, or feeling disrespected by, a partner can be a massive turn-off.

[Circe]

prettymommy - when people say they don't have time for exercise, it's pretty much a given that we all understand - that what they mean is they have other things in their lives which they prioritise higher. We all know it's a short hand way of saying that. It doesn't really change the point that yes they will have time if they neglect another area of their life.

 

I'm an aussie size 6 - I don't know the US equivalent but it's the smallest dress size you can find in aussie shops. I'm on the very low side of "healthy" BMIs (even though I know they are not the best indicators). I don't need to go to the gym to lose weight at all. So what I'm about to say is not an "excuse not to lose weight".

 

I would LOVE to have time to go to the gym because I used to be an absolute addict and I LOVE the gym. Working out used to make me feel free. Like I was just unstoppable and in a universe all of my own.

 

It was my favourite hobby and I miss it a lot. I have gym membership at an excellent monthly rate - a deal I can never get again if I let my membership lapse. But I think I'm going to have to.

 

I could sacrifice sleep and wake up at 4am in the morning and go to the gym. That's what I did for about 18 months before I stopped.

 

But then my husband doesnt get to wake up next to me. Doesnt get to kiss my eyes to wake me up. Doesnt get to feel like he's looking after me by letting me sleep in and having his shower first, and packing my breakfast in my bag etc.

 

And I'd wake him up too in the process of getting up at 4am.

 

The only other option is to spend the last hour of my day at the gym instead but that takes away from the time we spend with each other where we relax together, talk or do something together or just and hug and be together.

 

So what do I do? Going to the gym seems selfish. I'm going to resolve it by buying an eliptical trainer when I can afford to.. but I'll still miss the gym feel.

 

So really - it's great that the things filling up your life can do so while still leaving guilt-free time for the gym - but that doesnt mean that if you "can" do it everyone "can" do it without letting the guilt/weight of their other obligations get to them.

 

Sorry just a vent that's been on my mind lately.

 

Diabolik, I guess I do understand what you are saying. I suppose then it really comes down to the partner (male) taking some responsibility for it if sexual attraction is such a big priority. In other words, instead of "whathe" - letting his wife put on 45 pounds before he even mentioned anything - if this is important to you I guess you have to take some responsibility by taking over some of the work or whatever and giving her the time to exercise.... or ....changing what you eat so she eats healthily too... or just making sure she understands how important this is.

 

I think its possible to talk about that kind of thing in the right way without upsetting your partner. My husband is by no means overweight (he's 5'9 at 83kg) but he's not skinny and damnit I'm not going to let him develop weight related health problems. I've spoken to him about how important this to me. He knows I'm not attracted to skinny men and love the way he looks and he knows I wouldnt mind if he put on a fair bit either as far as attraction goes.... but he also knows how terrified I am of him having weight related health problems and so he agrees to something I asked for.

 

I asked that every two weeks, when we visit my family, we both get on the scales. That way we can make sure it never becomes too big a problem. (In other words I can take the packet of chips from him before he downs it all in 5 mins and then grabs the brie and eats all of that) and - if he knows why I'm doing it - he will understand. Not that it's ever come to that.

 

He understands and appreciates it. He put on a couple of kilos this time and suggested stealing the scales from my parents so he could monitor what was happening before the next two weeks came along! I said "no" because (having had an eating disorder in my past - and having weighed 43kg at one point) - I know that obsessively weighing yourself every day damages your mind and self-esteem. And I told him that it's normal to flucturate by 3-4kg from time to time just by water retention etc.

 

Anyway I'm rambling.. my point is.. I understand your point but if it means that much to you its as much your responsibility as your partner's. No point waiting till its too late and then grumbling about it.

[prettymommy]

But what is wrong with being selfish.... especially if it is for your health, which ultimatley will keep you around longer?

 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, and if others are making you feel that way, there is something wrong with THEM, not you.

 

If you want to go to the gym at 4am, then you should. If you want some mornings sleeping in with your husband, then you can still do that too... you can go to the gym 2-3 days a week, and spend the other mornings with your husband. And in some ways, it makes it more special then on those mornings where you "choose" to sleep in, rather than it be an constant expectation. Or vise versa in the evenings.

 

I think that's half the problem us women face.... we're practically raised from birth to sacrifice our needs for others.... our children, husbands, relationships, careers. We put all those needs first before our own.... and ultimatley, it makes us unhappy and stressed. We guilt ourselves, not others. How many of us have husbands with a hobby that takes them away from the family one or more times a week? I doubt they have the same level of guilt us women typically feel. And most women understand men need their "space" for their own life and identity separate from the family and the relationship. Why can't us women do the same?

 

I'm not saying we shouldn't sacrifice time for all those things, but I think women in particular really need to ensure we are making ourselves a priority too. I could NOT go to the gym, and I would have more time to spend with my son, or get more work done. But for me, it's important I have time to myself and do something that makes me feel good about me and isn't dependent on someone else to help me feel that way (bf, son, etc). So I make it a priority to "find" the time.... as hard as it is some weeks when I am crashing on a projects, my son is needing me, laundry is piling up, and the house needs a serious dust-over. But again, ultimatley, I find I am better able to appreciate my time with others, and get things done, when I feel like I've put myself first for a little part of the day by going to the gym.

 

And I don't "need" to go to the gym either; there was a period where I didn't for about 3 months and even tho I was eatting the same amounts as I was when I was going the the gym, my weight stayed stable. I go b/c of how it makes me feel- strong and invincible too.

[WhatThe]

 

 

 

Diabolik, I guess I do understand what you are saying. I suppose then it really comes down to the partner (male) taking some responsibility for it if sexual attraction is such a big priority. In other words, instead of "whathe" - letting his wife put on 45 pounds before he even mentioned anything - if this is important to you I guess you have to take some responsibility by taking over some of the work or whatever and giving her the time to exercise.... or ....changing what you eat so she eats healthily too... or just making sure she understands how important this is.

 

 

 

Since I was mentioned, I'm going to chime in.

 

First of all, I let my wife know all along that her gaining weight was an issue because I was concerned about her health. This is why I took over the grocery shopping and cooking eventually. However, I did not make a big deal of it, because she is an adult, and ultimately SHE is responsible for her weight. You keep bringing up the point that someone's weight is not their responsibility, it is someone else's responsibility. WRONG. If someone decides to eat unhealthy quantities of unhealthy food, THEY ARE MAKING THAT CHOICE. Sure, you can argue the 'enabler' angle, but personal responsibility is the ultimate arbiter of weight. Period. If your spouse is fat, unless you are encouraging it by forcing food on them, it is the fat person's issue, no one else's. I find empty potato chip bags, cookie wrappers and soda cups in my wife's car, and she will deny that she is eating the food. It is total denial. It is a mental illness.

 

My wife now weighs 240lb. I put my foot down a few months ago, and told her she has one year to get down to 200lb, which is the point where "Overweight" becomes "Obese" on the BMI charts. That is all I am asking, is that she not be obese, because of the health dangers. So far, she has done very little toward that goal. Why? Well, what leverage do I have? I can't threaten divorce, because she knows I CAN'T divorce because of the stupid alimony laws here. I can't withhold sex, because we aren't having any, and she doesn't care. It is HER problem, and HER responsibility, and I apparently mean nothing in the equation. I can go off and do the outdoor activities she is unable to do without her, and she can sit home and stuff her face. That appears to be what she wants.

 

The bottom line: Divorce early and divorce often if your spouse shows complete lack of concern for their health. Food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. Give them three chances, then get out. Otherwise you'll be singing my tune in your 50's.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Yet, somehow, I manage to find 30-60 minutes, 3-5 times a week, to hit the gym. I went from a size 10, 140lbs pre-pregnancy down to a size 4, 118- and have managed to keep it there for almost 7 years now.... It all comes down to priorities. I could make excuses that I don't have time, etc., etc., but to ME it's important to exercise. I want to feel good about myself, b/c feeling good about myself makes me a better mother.

 

Excellent post! Yep, it comes to choices and that is what the debate is really about, not weight per se, but more about priorities and decisions.

[FarthestEdge]

"Till death do us part" is a long, long time. While you may currently believe that whatever your top priorities are now, will be your top priorities forever, I can tell you that life has some unexpected curveballs to throw at you.

 

Your priorities will change and evolve. Some things will slide from # 2 to # 5 on your list, while new other things (i.e. children) may suddenly appear and take up # 1,2,3. You don't know. What's more, your priorities and your partners will move independantly. Hopefully, with some consistency, but not in tandem. So while you may manage to keep fitness (and by the way, you keep saying that you can lose weight without exercise- so it isn't really about fitness to you, it IS about FATness, which isn't the same thing), at your #2 or 3 spot, your partner may let it slide to #6 or 7. NO PERSON makes a conscious decision to let their health go "Hmm I'm busy, so I'm just going to get fat."....It's more like 'I have an assignment due tomorrow, so I'm going to skip the gym tonight"...that creeps up on you.

 

If you are going to have peace and harmony and a loving relationship, yes, you need to CONSIDER what your partner wants from you. However what you need to RESPECT is that they have established their priorities around what's important to them. The truth is, they will be more inclined to want to align priorities with you when you show them this respect, than when you tell them "Hey fattie- I didn't marry a fat chick so put the Cheetos down". I am inspired by my DH's continued ability to love me, respect me, and still desire me sexually. If he were putting forth the attitude you are, I'd think "screw you- it's MY body"

 

Which it is. It isn't YOUR body, it's hers. The overriding theme on this thread is if I marry someone who is fit, then I expect that body to stay fit, because I want a partner with a sexy body. ME, ME, ME,...I, I, I....It's all about YOU and what YOU want from HER. But I hear nothing about what she has a right to expect from you,- except something that YOU already prioritize for YOURSELF...so keeping yourself fit for her, isn't really for her anyway....it's for you.

 

My DH is in amazing shape, frankly, almost too good...Sometimes I wish he were just a little softer. But he keeps the body HE wants to have, and I admire him for it. Our schedule has been designed so that he can get to the gym as much as possible. It's that important to him. We can't have it both ways, so I go a little less often.

 

I've been in a committed relationship for 22 years. And for the record, DH and I got fat TOGETHER in the beginning of it. Then I lost weight, then he lost weight, then I gained it back, then I lost it again, then I gained it back most recently with the miscarriages... So as you can see, fitness as a priority has waxed and waned for both of us. And it will continue to do so.

 

You can demand what you expect from a relationship, or you can focus on what you can give. Personally, I'd rather focus on what I'm giving, which I do. And my priorities include the belief that what my partner gets from me are things he'd not choose to sacrifice for a size 6 wife.

 

EVERYTHING has a price. We all decide what we're willing to pay. And just as Whatthe is not willing to pay the price to divorce his wife because she is too fat, I am not willing to miss one moment more than is absolutely necessary of my children's childhood to achieve a perfect size six. I am not going to sell my home & live in an apartment so I can quit my job. I am not going to stop my eductation and deny my family the extra security that education will bring. I am not going to live in a pigstye. I am not going to try to survive on 4 hours sleep a night.

 

I am not going to do any of those things so I have time to exercise without neglecting my kids.

 

I am going to do what I can, watch what I eat and accept the body I have now.

 

But in so doing, I am not disrespecting my spouse, I am respecting my family and the values we hold dear.

 

But to you, I am just another fat slob who wants to neglect, and disrespect her husband.

 

I respectfully disagree.

[ResonanceTheory]

^Damn. That was an awesome post.

[diabolik]

Your priorities will change and evolve. Some things will slide from # 2 to # 5 on your list, while new other things (i.e. children) may suddenly appear and take up # 1,2,3. You don't know. What's more, your priorities and your partners will move independantly. Hopefully, with some consistency, but not in tandem.

Ah, so now we are on the same page - it is in fact your priorities, and not some uncontrollable circumstance that is responsible for one's weight (excluding of course, circumstances that are truly beyond one's control and result in a permanent inability to achieve fitness).

 

So while you may manage to keep fitness (and by the way, you keep saying that you can lose weight without exercise- so it isn't really about fitness to you, it IS about FATness, which isn't the same thing), at your #2 or 3 spot, your partner may let it slide to #6 or 7.

Go back and re-read my posts w/r/t this. I said if someone is relatively mobile and can perform regular daily activities, then they can effect weight loss through sensible, sustainable diet. I don't know any mothers who are not somewhat physically active - between taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., mothers are moving, lifting, etc. For such a person, FITNESS via be improved via diet. And guess what happens when they lose some of the extra fat? They become more mobile and move faster - they are more fit. It's a virtuous or vicious cycle, depending on the path you choose to take.

 

NO PERSON makes a conscious decision to let their health go "Hmm I'm busy, so I'm just going to get fat."....It's more like 'I have an assignment due tomorrow, so I'm going to skip the gym tonight"...that creeps up on you.

I don't think WhatThe's wife woke up one day to discover she was 240 pounds. You de-prioritized fitness and that is a conscious decision, and your mirrors and clothes let you know on a daily basis the result of your new prioritization hierarchy. Forget the 240 pounds example; no one even grows out of a pair of jeans overnight - you can feel it coming. And every time one has to buy bigger clothes offers another reminder. To suggest that it creeps up on you plays down the underlying neglect.

 

If you are going to have peace and harmony and a loving relationship, yes, you need to CONSIDER what your partner wants from you. However what you need to RESPECT is that they have established their priorities around what's important to them. The truth is, they will be more inclined to want to align priorities with you when you show them this respect, than when you tell them "Hey fattie- I didn't marry a fat chick so put the Cheetos down". I am inspired by my DH's continued ability to love me, respect me, and still desire me sexually. If he were putting forth the attitude you are, I'd think "screw you- it's MY body"

Which it is. It isn't YOUR body, it's hers. The overriding theme on this thread is if I marry someone who is fit, then I expect that body to stay fit, because I want a partner with a sexy body. ME, ME, ME,...I, I, I....It's all about YOU and what YOU want from HER. But I hear nothing about what she has a right to expect from you,- except something that YOU already prioritize for YOURSELF...so keeping yourself fit for her, isn't really for her anyway....it's for you.

No doubt, discussing weight with a partner, particularly a female partner, is a minefield, not least of all b/c of the stigma associated with weight, particularly for women.

 

As for respect, I think if someone in a marriage is going to dramatically alter their priorities, they should discuss it with their partner - that shows respect. To change your priorities and allow oneself to get very far out of shape w/o taking their partner's thoughts on the matter into consideration is selfish. In a prospective marriage, I would apply that principle to both myself and my spouse, and not just with respect to fitness.

 

My DH is in amazing shape, frankly, almost too good...Sometimes I wish he were just a little softer. But he keeps the body HE wants to have, and I admire him for it. Our schedule has been designed so that he can get to the gym as much as possible. It's that important to him. We can't have it both ways, so I go a little less often.

And if he is happy with that, then you both are in agreement over your current set of priorities, which is GREAT. As I wrote in an earlier post, someone is not disrespecting their spouse if the spouse is happy for that person to be overweight.

 

You can demand what you expect from a relationship, or you can focus on what you can give. Personally, I'd rather focus on what I'm giving, which I do. And my priorities include the belief that what my partner gets from me are things he'd not choose to sacrifice for a size 6 wife.

I would hope that it's not simply a matter of your belief, but based on actual discussions with your spouse.

 

EVERYTHING has a price. We all decide what we're willing to pay. And just as Whatthe is not willing to pay the price to divorce his wife because she is too fat, I am not willing to miss one moment more than is absolutely necessary of my children's childhood to achieve a perfect size six. I am not going to sell my home & live in an apartment so I can quit my job. I am not going to stop my eductation and deny my family the extra security that education will bring. I am not going to live in a pigstye. I am not going to try to survive on 4 hours sleep a night.

Are you a size 8 or even 10? No? Then why the two references to size 6?

 

We just heard from a single mother (no husband to help out) who has managed to stay in shape. Sounds to me like she has managed her life pretty well - she spends time with her son, she has a career, I'm guessing her home is not a pigstye. Just because you have not found a way to stay in shape while attending to these other things does not mean it is impossible. SY said it well - "President Obama finds time to work out. Are you busier than Obama?"

 

And given the life of a busy mother, diet alone would reap rewards. So maybe I'd rephrase it as President Obama finds time to work out, but an overweight person expects us to believe they can't find time to eat better? Again, it's your life, your body and your marriage - do as you wish. But don't suggest that allowing oneself to get and stay out of shape is an inevitable part of marriage or motherhood.

[diabolik]

What's this? A mother who manages to stay in shape??? From some of the posts in this thread, I was beginning to think your kind was merely a myth.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. You have given me and the prospective husbands in this thread some hope, and probably done the same for some prospective mothers in this thread.

[FarthestEdge]

I NEVER said it is an inevitable part of motherhood. I said that if the complications/shifting priorities of ones' life make it difficult to achieve/maintain the exact level of fitness enjoyed at any other moment (for you the moment a woman is proposed to) in one's life, it does not follow that said person is disrespecting her partner.

 

My issues are mine. There are endless complications. I can't and won't judge others priorities when I do not have to live their lives.

 

You choose to live your life with no compassion. You choose to decide that what you want is achievable, so whatever the price, you demand your partner pay it. If you are concerned about a 'bait & switch", then when you do find someone who is suitably underweight for you to be able for her to gain 10 pounds after marriage, I suggest you show her this thread, so you can 'discuss' acceptable weight gain limits for the next 50 years.

 

I have to abandon this thread now. I am wasting my break time responding to this, which is pointless. Time I should spend studying so I have more time for my kids this weekend. You are not going to change your POV, nor I mine. So I am sorry to SY, I will not be joining his band of present wives warning young women that they cannot gain any weight after marriage, just to improve his 'options'. I will continue instead to promote a view of MUTUAL respect, tolerance and compassion. My approach has worked for me for 22 years.

[rocio]

But to you, I am just another fat slob who wants to neglect, and disrespect her husband.

 

I don't think anyone on this thread feels that way. You're taking it all too personally. He said that it was disrespectful to go, "hey, my partner signed on the dotted line, he's stuck with me, so I don't have to care about my appearance". That's not you AT ALL. You DO put effort into losing weight and staying healthy. In doing that, you are respecting yourself, your husband and your children.

 

What's this? A mother who manages to stay in shape??? From some of the posts in this thread, I was beginning to think your kind was merely a myth.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. You have given me and the prospective husbands in this thread some hope, and probably done the same for some prospective mothers in this thread.

 

Actually, there are several mothers in this thread who work out regularily and stay in excellent shape. We're just a little more understanding of the unique experiences that other mothers face.

 

I wonder if that woman has had 3 miscarriages? I wonder if she's been through everything that the overweight mothers in this thread have been through?

 

Also, when my husband is away, I have a LOT more time to work out. When he's around, he is my main priority and I need to reserve at least a couple hours each day of quality time alone with each other.

 

That's not to say that single mothers have it easy - not at all. Just that you can't say, "If I have time, then anyone has time". Situations differ and until you've walked in the shoes of another mom...

[WhatThe]

My 57 year old sister has not worked out a day in her life, yet she weighs 110lb. She maintains her weight by eating correctly.

 

There is NO excuse for being fat. It is caused by gluttony and being indifferent to what you put in your mouth. You can whine all you want about not having time to exercise, but exercise is not a requirement to maintain a healthy weight. Eating amounts of good food that match your caloric burn are ALL that is necessary.

 

I'll give you an example. I drink 2-3 cups of coffee a day. I used to put one teaspoon of sugar in my coffee about 2/3 of the time. I started slowly gaining weight, despite eating well and exercising. Guess what? A teaspoon of sugar is 15 calories. Over the course of a year, that is about 11,000 extra calories taken in. Three pounds. If you do that for ten years, you will be thirty pounds overweight. Most people don't THINK about what they are eating, and eventually, it catches up with them. That is when all the excuses about metabolism, heredity, hormones and everything else start kicking in. No. You are EATING too much. Period.

 

Keep a food diary. Everything that crosses your lips goes in the diary. Solid or liquid. Accurate measurements. You will soon see where you are eating too much if you are overweight. The body actually does an amazing job of shedding excess calories. If you are sedentary, you only need 1800-2000 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. There is no one on this thread sedentary enough to gain weight on 1800 calories a day.

 

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

[rocio]

WhatThe, I think you need to go have a talk with your wife. You're taking out your marital frustrations on the people in this thread. Unlike your wife, the women in this thread DO exercise and watch what they eat. There are no women in here who have given up - nowhere close.

 

Go talk to your wife, seriously. I can sense alot of bitterness in your posts but I also sense hope and love.

 

I really like something I heard on Dr.Phil (yes, the big, bald geek). "This family needs a hero." Be the hero in your family. Take all that passion and direct it toward positivity.

[Seraphim]

I do measure everything I put in my mouth and actually you need to eat LESS calories than what you are saying. I eat 1000 calories a day sometimes less than that. No woman in this thread has said their eating was out of control or unhealthy.

[WhatThe]

WhatThe, I think you need to go have a talk with your wife. You're taking out your marital frustrations on the people in this thread. Unlike your wife, the women in this thread DO exercise and watch what they eat. There are no women in here who have given up - nowhere close.

 

Go talk to your wife, seriously. I can sense alot of bitterness in your posts but I also sense hope and love.

 

I really like something I heard on Dr.Phil (yes, the big, bald geek). "This family needs a hero." Be the hero in your family. Take all that passion and direct it toward positivity.

 

What makes you think conversation number 127 with my wife over her weight is going to go any differently than the first 126? Her weight has been an issue for over fifteen years.

 

Let me ask a question. Suppose rather than gaining 90lbs over the course of our marriage, my wife had decided to start drinking. At first, she just had a glass of wine at night, then two, then a cocktail or two or three or four, and now her health was compromised, and she was unable to provide companionship half the time because of her condition? And what if all along I had asked her to control her drinking, suggested counseling, and done everything I could to not enable it? And what if her attitude at this point was that she was fine with who she was, and she was not going to change?

 

Would you be suggesting that I "have a talk" and "be the hero"? I'm very curious.

[rocio]

Would you be suggesting that I "have a talk" and "be the hero"? I'm very curious.

 

If you were unwilling to leave the relationship, then yes.

 

Look, you have made mistakes. You threatened divorce to try to manipulate her into changing. You need to own that, if the marriage is broken, you helped to break it.

 

Go to her and say, "Look, I'm not going to give up on you because I love you too much. I will NEVER stop fighting for you. I will not leave you because I love you so we have to find a way to fix this together. Now put on your shoes because we're going for a walk."

 

And then, the next night, you say, "put on your shoes because we're going for a walk". And the next, and the next.

 

When she doesn't listen to you, you get her doctor to talk to her. Get your children to talk to her. Buy her a membership to the gym and cook her healthy meals. Throw out any junk food.

 

But all of this is going to be met with resentment, because you have been doing things with negativity and hatred for so long. So in order for it to be effective, you need to change yourself first. You have to decide that you want to be with her, and that you'll never give up on her or the marriage. You have to start to focus on the positive things about her and about your marriage.

 

Find hobbies that you love to do together and start to laugh together again. Keep a sense of humor when you're pushing her to fix things. Keep a smile on your face and find a way to rid yourself of the intense anger.

[Honey Pumpkin]

It's very very interesting that in this thread, a number of women have felt compelled to post how 'thin' they are, like it's a badge of pride and they are not to be seen as fat. Yet not one of the guys (I think) who are demanding these thin fit hotties have posted their height, size and weight.

 

Apart from that, a pretty depressing thread overall....

 

I hope people find someone to love. I hope that if fitness is important to you, you find a fit person.

[greeneyes050]

Well, it is at risk. I don't want to marry some woman who's going to let herself go and since most women (and to be fair, most men, too) don't keep themselves up in marriage, well you can do the math.

Lets be honest, most men and women these days don't keep themselves in marriage... period. I think most of you people need to reevaluate what is important to you in life and stop being so superficial. Enjoy an active lifestyle with your partner, enjoy your time together. Get married for the right reasons instead of for what a person looks like and maybe your marraige won't be one of the 50% that ENDS!! Because unfortunately looks don't keep people together either.

[Seraphim]

I would also like to add that eating disorders in regards to eating TOO much and eating too little are created this way. Having someone continiously monitor what you weigh and natter on and on. It then becomes a control issue.The person doing the nattering and the person doing the eating or not eating, engaged in a battle for control.

[diabolik]

It's very very interesting that in this thread, a number of women have felt compelled to post how 'thin' they are, like it's a badge of pride and they are not to be seen as fat.

That's one way to interpret it. I interpreted it as the person worked hard to get into shape and was damn proud of it. Guess how one interprets it is based on their own bias.

 

Would you say the same about a woman who wears clothes that show off her figure - "oh she's just showing everyone that she's not fat."?

 

Apart from that, a pretty depressing thread overall....

 

I hope people find someone to love. I hope that if fitness is important to you, you find a fit person.

Ah, yes, I hope to find a fit person. As examples in this thread have shown, finding a person who makes fitness a priority does not mean the same person will do so later on. Ultimately, I'm trying to figure out how to avoid getting stuck in a situation like WhatThe's. He did what I would have done - found a fit woman, who enjoyed being fit - for herself, not for him. And now he has an obese wife and no sex life.

[Honey Pumpkin]

That's one way to interpret it. I interpreted it as the person worked hard to get into shape and was damn proud of it. Guess how one interprets it is based on their own bias.

 

 

Ah, yes, I hope to find a fit person. As examples in this thread have shown, finding a person who makes fitness a priority does not mean the same person will do so later on. Ultimately, I'm trying to figure out how to avoid getting stuck in a situation like WhatThe's. He did what I would have done - found a fit woman, who enjoyed being - for her, not for him. And now he has an obese wife and no sex life.

 

What's your height/weight?

[diabolik]

What's your height/weight?

Why is that relevant to the discussion at hand?

[Honey Pumpkin]

That's one way to interpret it. I interpreted it as the person worked hard to get into shape and was damn proud of it. Guess how one interprets it is based on their own bias.

 

Would you say the same about a woman who wears clothes that show off her figure - "oh she's just showing everyone that she's not fat."?

 

 

 

Why did you not include my entire quote? That it was interesting that none of the MEN who had posted on this thread felt obliged to post their own height/weight stats.

 

Interesting. That's all I'm saying.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Why is that relevant to the discussion at hand?

 

Why be shy? Are you not proud of what YOU have achieved? I find your coyness intriguing. As you have been so very specific abotu what women should weigh before and after childbirth.

 

 

[diabolik]

Why did you not include my entire quote? That it was interesting that none of the MEN who had posted on this thread felt obliged to post their own height/weight stats.

 

Interesting. That's all I'm saying.

B/c I thought it was irrelevant.

 

No one is obliged to post their height/weight stats, and no one is being asked to do so. I'm not even sure what you're driving at?