THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[xplorationgt]

Day 1

 

So my ex and I just talked this morning. I asked her was her true intentions are with me since she want us to be friends? She said, "I only want to be friends for now! I'm not looking or trying to be with anyone. Do you get that?". I replied back saying that I appreciate her for telling me that so I can do NC. She said. "okay if that's what you want, you can block me on fb so you don't have to deactivate it, I'll miss you too, take care!".

 

Well this is a start and it's feeling like a train just hit me. I miss her dearly and I know that my chance with her is slim to none now. At least I can take this challenge and try to better myself and move on.

 

I feel so weak and but this is a start.

[t1lersm0m1]

I posted this in my journal, but I'll copy/paste it here.

 

I don't know why I have such struggles. Well, I do, I just wish I could change it. I'm working on me, so hopefully, I WILL change it. I have to take this time to FULLY focus on me and my healing. Not from the break up, but from my childhood. I had already promised myself I would take three months before dating again. And I just red in the Big Red Book of Adult Children of Alcoholics that I should not be dating right now anyway. And deep down inside I know this. I either stay in unhealthy relationships, or if I find a healthy one, I self-sabotage. And I will continue to struggle with that unless I focus on healing.

 

I JUST realized something this morning. While I enjoy these revelations of mine, I wish they would come MUCH sooner.

 

Although Erik was unhealthy, we were unhealthy together, and he was still in love with his wife so he was unable to give me what I deserved, I know in my heart I loved him. The fact our relationship wasn't healthy doesn't change the fact that I loved him. I felt passion from him. Even at the end of our six month relationship, I still got excited to see him. I felt passion when we kissed. I felt emotional when we said we loved each other. I FELT the love when we said those words. Now, in hindsight I don't think he loved me, and as I said, our relatinoship was not healthy, but I did love him. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, did.

 

With Rich, it was different. And not really different in a good way. Let me preface this with Rich was a WONDERFUL man. He was respectful, he paid for our dates, he sent me flowers, he planned a beautiful Valentine's Day, he even spent HOURS shoveling in order not to cancel our Valentine's Day plans (he lives in the Poconos, up in the mountains he got 8 inches of snow that day, he was still recovering from shoulder surgery he had prior to Christmas, he wasn't released to work because he has to life 70+ pounds to be able to do his job, so he went out and shoveled his truck out several times while the snow kept piling up). I told him we could reschedule, but he would have nothing of that. He was going to make sure our plans were not canceled. I went to Florida about 6 weeks into our relationship, since it was early in our relationship I didn't get him a souvenier (in hindsight, I should have). I come back from Florida and he bought me a large Mickey, I'd say he's at least 24" tall.

 

I got sworn into court before Christmas for my volunteer work. It was right before his shoulder surgery. He wanted to come watch me get sworn in cause he thought it was a big deal. Then at the end he realized (thank God, because I never thought of it) that because it was family court, and involved minors, he probably wouldn't be allowed in there. He had his shoulder surgery the next day and I never even thought to take the day off of work so I could be there for him, again it was still early in our realtionship, about 8 weeks. So he was going to go to boring court for me, because he knew it was important to me, but I never offered to take time off of work to go to his surgery.

 

This man was wonderful to me.

 

But with that being said, we lacked passion. I already explained why previously. There was no passion. I even said to him that I felt more like a companion....almost like Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men (only with occassional sex LOL).

 

Rich took me to see Frozen in February, before Valentine's Day. I remember thinking, wow this guy is great, taking me to see an animated Disney movie because he knows how much I love them. And I thought to myself, I love this man. But then later I thought to myself, I don't FEEL it when I say I love him. We hadn't said we loved each other yet, and I wanted so desperately to love him. I said it first on Valentine's Day. But I NEVER felt it when we said it to each other. There was something missing. I didn't get excited to see him. Not in the beginning, and not as our relationship progressed. I didn't FEEL the love when we said we loved each other. I didn't get goosebumps when we kissed, not the first time, not ever. I didn't get that tingly feeling, that excited, amazing feeling I got with Erik.

 

Why do I settle for less than I deserve? I did it with Erik, and I did it with Rich. I loved Erik, but I knew he couldn't love me while he still loved his wife, and that's something I figured out before the relationship ended. And our relatinship was very unhealthy!

 

With Rich, there was no chemistry, no passion. I enjoyed his company, but just as friends. He was a guy friend who paid for dates. And deep down I know he is damaged also, and maybe that's why we didn't have the passion, and maybe the lack of passion was the reason I never got excited to see him, and never FELT the love between us. He said he loved me, even after we broke up...

 

I love relevelations, I just wish I would make them sooner

 

This is my journey, and I guess I have to be READY for things to happen, and I wasn't ready for our break up. I should have left Erik. I should have left Rich. Instead they both left me, and it triggered my abandonment issues. And then it confirms my fears deep down inside...that I am unloveable and undeserving of love. I know in my head this is not true, but I feel it in my heart. And that's why I need to take this time to work on myself.

 

I need to stop having sex with random men. It leaves me feeling awful afterward. Plus if my son ever found out, that's not the kind of mother I want him to have. I think that innocent, consentual sex is fine, but I seek it out online as a way to hurt myself. And I know it's wrong.

 

I'm on this beautiful journey. It's full of pain and sorrow, but it's my journey. And i know in my heart I'm a good person, I just have to really work towards knowing it all of the time, in all ways.

[Seankbq]

Day 7.

 

Would have never guessed she would try to contact me before I reached the week mark. I stood strong.

 

Week 2 begins tomorrow!

[zyketti]

Day like.. I don't know. 70?

 

I never counted, but I know the date of when we broke up. It's a lot better. I think of her a lot less, but I would be lying if I don't think about her at least once every… 20-30 minutes. I often wonder what she is up to, and I had to block her on fb (after i unfriended her) because she would be "liking" every single damn person's updates. It's everywhere. Including my bestest friends, which I thought she would have the courtesy to ignore. When we were together, I remember her saying, "your ex keeps liking your friend's photos!! and it's super annoying." Guess what idiot? You're doing the same thing.

 

I'm still struggling to convince myself that she wasn't a great match for me. We had a ton of fights and arguments, the only thing that I really feel like I'm missing out on, is her intellectual smarts, and multi talents (she plays the bass in a choir band, piano for kids, and she's pretty much the most disciplined girl I've ever met). Well, that's what got me super attracted to her in the first place. But our personality always collided. She positively influenced me a ton, but there were still a lot of things I needed to fix.

 

Anyways, I'm on a semi-vacation, and will be traveling for 6 days with a friend next week. Here's to hoping this summer as a first-time single male in 9 years is going to be beautiful and enjoyable.

[t1lersm0m1]

Go me, I had my Statistics class Tuesday, next one is this coming Tuesday, and as of Thursday at 1:00 I am finished with my 50 problem homework. Last week's homework took me six hours over the weekend!

 

I plan to do my Philosophy homework tonight. With that Statistics class, Philosophy seems like a PIECE OF CAKE.

 

That will just leave the Quantitative Methods homework for the weekend, which is due by Sunday night at midnight. I can start on it tomorrow and then finish it over the weekend. I won't be spending my weekend doing ten hours worth of homework. WOO HOO!!!

 

Tyler is going to his girlfriend's house after school. I want to stop at Bon Ton to get another rug for the bathroom (I bought one for in front of the tub, but need one for in front of the sink). I need to deposit a check I got from renting my timeshare. It's going in my savings account and NOT being spent. After their trip is within 30 days (I told them they can cancel more than 30 days prior to check in, after that I won't let them cancel). Then I will pay my maintenance fees for the year, and send the difference on my 401K loan.

 

I moved out of my emotionally abusive mother's house, I am in school pretty much full time, working full time, doing volunteer work, and working on my emotional health. GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING!

[Seankbq]

Day 8.

 

Was sort of sad today, but still going strong. Long day of work, so thankfully I am exhausted.

[the dude91]

Day 10

 

Today has been a good day, I got a lot of exercise today and I'm feeling pretty good about my looks although I really need a hair cut. I'm almost looking good naked! Okay sorry for the TMI. I've been getting amazed at how fast my puppy is growing and it's pretty great watching him grow up and learn about the world. I seem to be going through the anger phase, finally. So I believe this means I'm making progress in moving on, I also seem to be thinking about the ex less and less all the time, I think I only thought about her 3 times today and it was only for a little bit. Yet despite all of my progress I still have a problem talking to other women like I used to before I met my ex which is where my anger comes from. I'm angry that I can't seem to move on like she apparently has so quickly and started dating the abusive guy again. But I guess she's just postponing the pain while I'm pushing through it all. Well I'm 10 days down.

[t1lersm0m1]

Didn't do my philosphy last night, as I took a bath, read my red book of Adult Children, and watched The Tudors on Amazon Prime. I needed me time with my son being at his gf's.

 

I did half the reading required for my philosphy class. I'm going to do the rest in a short while, then do my discussion board posts. That will only leave the quiz for tonight, and then Philosphy will be done for the week.

 

Then I will just have to do quantitative methods homework by Sunday at midnight.

 

I'm really looking forward to my ACoA meeting Sunday at 8:30. I'm happy about the path I am on.

 

This is the longest I've been in NC with Rich. I tried going NC on my end, just letting him contact me. Then we decided to close the door on us getting back together. I'm surprisingly much better than I thought I'd be. I started feeling really anxious Tuesday, my abandonment kicking in, but right now I'm good.

[windingwings]

Day 10

 

Still trying here but all I can think about is him, even when I'm trying to do something else. I've become so obsessive and thinking about things that would happen, It pains me to know that he is happy with this new person and that this new person was the one who wanted him when he was broken by my actions, now I have to live with it and go with the flow knowing I will never have him back. I hope it gets better, this is the longest I've gone without talking to him in four years.. June 10th was the first time he came here to Canada and that date is closing in. I just want him back and I know NC is for us but it feels like its working against me.

[TarioJC]

Just now joining the challenge on day 33... I feel okay. I'm actually thinking about why we aren't good for each other. I still wonder if she thinks about me but I'm staying strong over here

[janut1]

Day 5 NC - I've been posting these under my own thread, didn't know this existed. I have no desire to beg, plead or contact my X. I feel it would be really hurtful to me to hear anything negative right now. Im still very sad but its only been 5 days since we spoke, so I know this will be awhile before the sadness stops. We had a vacation planned in a couple weeks, and I know that will be hard to get through and my birthday is this month. He spoiled me rotten on my last birthday, this one will be sooo lonely. So here I am, not contacting which is good, but still sad.

[Seankbq]

Day 9.

 

It's your birthday tomorrow. I'm sad I will miss it.

I saw a picture of you on someone else's instagram a minute ago and I wanted to cry... but I didn't.

 

You are gone. You might as well be dead.

 

You want me to talk to you, but there is nothing to say at this point. I miss you and I love you, but it's time for me to go.

 

The day of your birthday, I will hit double digits. Not a bad gift I guess.

[the dude91]

Day 11

 

Well technically day 11 was last night but my little sister came to visit so I let her borrow my Mac so she could watch her show. It was a busy day yesterday and I got a lot of exercise in and today I'm feeling it. But despite me thinking about the ex less and less for awhile the last few days she has been on my mind quite a bit more and it upsets me. I don't want to think about her anymore at all and yet I keep having these thoughts of her trying to talk to me about things to work them out and how badly I want to tell her no, I'm not going through this pain with her again and I'm done fighting for her. But I know I'll never get the chance to say it, I still get angry thinking about how she so easily and quickly moved on to another guy and I'm still struggling just talking with another woman. I just wish I could be like her and move on quickly to somebody else, but I guess that wouldn't be healthy. Well, I guess it's time to start the Forgetting Sarah Marshal marathon again.

[trying2bestrng]

Haven't started no contact yet.

 

I feel guilty about being relieved its over. I feel so good right now. I feel FREE. free to make my own choices, think, say, and talk to whoever I want. I don't have to ask permission to call my best friend or go have a beer with one of my guy pals. I didnt realize how unhappy this relationship was making me. I mean I knew I was unhappy but didnt realize I was that unhappy.

 

He keeps wanting to get together and talk about "us". I have no desire to talk/fight. Because I'm 100% positive it will just be him telling me I'm selfish and how I cant do or say anything right.....You know what? I think its about fu**ing I start thinking more about me and what I want!!

 

I did everything he asked. I cut my ex out of my life and devoted myself completely to him. It turned into a nightmare! He alienated me from my friends and family... There was never any trust and I believe that is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

 

I have no desire to date for a very long time. I'm happy being alone. Totally happy and content.

[TarioJC]

Day 34 - Thought about her twice today which is good for me, usually she'll be all over my mind. Staying busy to keep my mind off her

[t1lersm0m1]

I had a nice, lazy, hot, but mildly productive day today. I slept in, took a ten minute nap later, cleaned the bathroom, straightened up the kitchen, did a load of dishes, went bought more dishes and another bathroom rug, got stuff off of layaway at Kmart, spent a good amount of time on ENA and also reading my ACOA big red book on my kindle.

 

I love my apartment and being on my own for the first time but I truly dread moving in a year or two based on the number of boxed I've put out for recycling.

 

That said I'd love to buy my own house next year. I'm so good with money when there's money to be good with. Being married to my ex was horrible...he got us into so many financial messes.

 

My second ACOA meeting is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I might go to that, then a nearby church, then an OA meeting. But that might be too much emotional work for one day.

 

We'll see.

[Seankbq]

Day 10

 

Today was your birthday. I hope it was a good one. Managed to not look at your stuff, or email you, since you "wanted to talk." Yea, I doubt it's about the same things I want to talk about.

 

I miss you and love you.

[the dude91]

Day 12

 

Alright another day down and I'm almost at 2 weeks again. I think I thought about her about 3-4 times today which is pretty good, it's getting less and less. I think I was getting some flirting signs from a kind of co-worker today, the reason why I say kind of is because we work at the same facility but different areas so I very rarely see her. But today she worked in my section and she kept shooting glances at me with a lot of smiles, but I've been so oblivious to other women for so long now I'm sure it's just her being nice and I'm over thinking things. But, it'd be cool if she was actually interested in me. I also had an interesting thought today, if I could move on from the passing of one of my younger brothers then moving on from the ex should not be as hard as I'm making it out to be. I'll be keeping that in mind whenever I think about her, well back to Forgetting Sarah Marshal marathon.

[JA0371]

I don't want my ex back......but gonna join this thread to keep myself accountable.

 

Broke up with my ex a couple months ago...and silly me kept in contact with him. Sure enough....he started going hot

And cold on me and being dismissive..taking me for granted. Basically treating me like he knows I'll always just be there.

It's my fault. I should have done this sooner. I guess I'll shoot for 30 days...I just sent him an email today and told him we are done for good, I deleted his number and blocked his FB.

 

So lets see how stone cold hard NC feels. Can't be worse than it has been that's for damn sure....

 

So even though I sent my ex an email today.....Im going to count this as day 1.

It's too depressing to start again tomorrow...

[janut1]

Day 7 NC - made it one week as of today. Yesterday was really hard and Im not sure why. I watched a movie and it was all about a relationship that had some similarities to ours. As I was watching it, I thought this might not of been a good idea to rent this movie. But watched it anyway and I cried through most of it. Oh well crying is okay I guess. Today is another day.

[jalways44]

A friend told me about this challenge, I accept this challenge.

 

I am on Day 6 today. I feel sad but know this is the best for me. I am fed up with him treating me like crap. I know my emotions will be like a roller coaster, I will feel sadder one day than the other. Today is hard, I keep thinking about the good times we had and I keep thinking did he ever even care about me. I know I have to get over him though. Sooo today is Day 6.

[t1lersm0m1]

He's friends with most of his exes. Guess maybe that shoulda told me something.

 

Oh I know in my head this break up was for the best. He wasn't passionate about me. I'm doing good for the most part...just miss him. It took me a while too get to know him....it'll take a while to get to unknow him.

 

Our break up is truly his loss. I would have added so much happiness to his life. I already did. I was the best thing that happened to him since his wife, and she cheated on him!

 

I'm working on me then when I'm ready I'm gonna find the man of my dreams. Darn Rich and Erik and all of them.

[Seankbq]

Day 11.

 

Had another good day at work today. Starting to make friends there, and realizing that I am surrounded by people who would never say the mean things you said to me. You still owe me $250... and you got the balls to say you'd like to talk for a few minute if that is cool? I love you, but all I can think right now is... screw you.

 

I re-read the sweet notes we had. I imagine that you have those notes written down to him now. Screw him too. I hope you guys are happy... I really do. That's the funny part to me. Through all of this, I still want what's best for you... and you don't even have a second thought about me.

 

I am angry right now. I'm sorry, but I am. This NC is for me. How dare you try to take it away from me, because you feel guilty for what you did. Leave me in peace, or come back. There isn't a middle ground.

 

I'm starting to get comfortable with this life of mine. I'm starting to see myself more and more everyday. I am going on dates, and feeling stronger. I wish you would come back, but if you don't... well I lived years without you before. I am sure I can again.

 

Day 11 down. 20 more to go.

 

(On another note, as of the tenth, it will be an actual month since we have spoken. That is the craziest thing to me. We went a whole month without speaking. So in reality, as of Tuesday, I will have made my NC goal of thirty days. Still, I looked at your pictures, so this is gonna be good for me, to complete this goal as well. Just stay strong.)

[TarioJC]

Missed posting day 35

 

Day 36 - I'm having a weak moment, can't even lie... It was so easy for her to walk out of my life, I guess she didn't want to be there in the first place You try so hard to be there and make someone happy and it's not enough. I know it's for the best that we're not together. I'm going to stay strong

[the dude91]

Day 13

 

Had another pretty good day and met some interesting females. But still as always the ex creeps into my mind. I thought about all of the things I used to do for her and how I'd go out of my way for her to be happy and content. But I guess it wasn't enough right? Not really sure what more I could've given to her, but oh well I suppose. My anger towards her kind of subsided today so maybe it'll be back tomorrow. Oh well, I've lived without her before and I can live without her again. If us being together for over 5 years only meant enough to her for her to leave me and start being with someone else after just a month apart then perhaps this is a good thing for me, better now than later.