"He's just not that into you" -- your thoughts?

[cristal]

Yeah I agree. It all starts with calls not coming, as regular as they once did. or maybe he's started replacing calls, with text messages. He sends a text, you reply...he sends another text and you reply....it goes unanswered. Then the text messages arrive, maybe every other day and they become one liners....he doesn't seem interested in having a text conversation anymore, let alone a phone one. He's checking out of your life slowly...then POOF.

 

I tend to think there is some other woman, another new love interest has arrived on the scene, or an ex has come back...if it's a guy one has been dating perhaps a few months and he distances, then vanishes. Especially if this was a guy, who had seemed really into you, prior to the irregular calls...there's a reason behind it.

 

 

Yes, experience is a great teacher. Isn't it? LOL.

 

We have gone from hours of daily telephone calls to nada, because I expressed dissatisfaction with our current dating situation.

 

So he headed for the hills.

 

A classic case of "he is just not that into me". But that's cool, because thankfully, he did not rock my boat, so that should make getting over him a lot easier. LOL

 

D Lish, I hope that your situation turns out better than mine.

[D_Lish]

Yes, experience is a great teacher. Isn't it? LOL.

 

We have gone from hours of daily telephone calls to nada, because I expressed dissatisfaction with our current dating situation.

 

So he headed for the hills.

 

A classic case of "he is just not that into me". But that's cool, because thankfully, he did not rock my boat, so that should make getting over him a lot easier. LOL

 

D Lish, I hope that your situation turns out better than mine.

 

Best laugh is, I didn't initiate any relationship talk. I said nothing and did nothing....LOL It's just went from phone calls once or twice every day and for months....to last week just recieving text messages every day....then every other day and now, nothing for 48 hours!!! Seems to be just this last week, he's distanced. Prior to this, he seemed well into things...

 

He said on Friday night, he'd call Saturday .....and he didn't. On the Sunday I got a text message in which he was whinging, that I hadn't been in touch with him. WTH??? I reminded him that he'd said he'd call me. Sunday night I get a text, I replied....and he didn't reply back. Sent him another...no reply and no word since. Stuff him anyway....his loss lol

[cristal]

Best laugh is, I didn't initiate any relationship talk. I said nothing and did nothing....LOL It's just went from phone calls once or twice every day and for months....to last week just recieving text messages every day....then every other day and now, nothing for 48 hours!!! Seems to be just this last week, he's distanced. Prior to this, he seemed well into things...

 

He said on Friday night, he'd call Saturday .....and he didn't. On the Sunday I got a text message in which he was whinging, that I hadn't been in touch with him. WTH??? I reminded him that he'd said he'd call me. Sunday night I get a text, I replied....and he didn't reply back. Sent him another...no reply and no word since. Stuff him anyway....his loss lol

 

This is the classic "fadeout".

 

The best advice and advice which I will be practicing, is to step aside and leave them be, to deal with their demons.

 

If they are actually "into us", they will make it clear by their actions.

 

In the meantime, just celebrate the fact, that you may have just missed a bullet. And remember that greater love is yet to come.

[D_Lish]

This is the classic "fadeout".

 

The best advice and advice which I will be practicing, is to step aside and leave them be, to deal with their demons.

 

If they are actually "into us", they will make it clear by their actions.

 

In the meantime, just celebrate the fact, that you may have just missed a bullet. And remember that greater love is yet to come.

 

Nah doubt it. My greatest love, has been and gone and some years ago

 

But yeah, agree with the other things you say.

I know he's having problems, but problems never stopped him contacting before. I know he has had no cred on his phone for two weeks....but he has pc access of recent and he was texting from an online free texting service....so again, no excuse.

 

As you say, if they want us, they know where to find us. But I won't be waiting forever

[lady00]

I think he is spot on for the vast majority of cases. There are exceptions, of course, and he acknowledges that. Great book.

 

People are complicated, we're all individuals, yes, but sometimes people tell us, in remarkably simple ways, all we need to know.

[ellandroader]

WOW! Lots of replies!

And this was hilarious...

 

 

Well, I used to be the type of guy who "tried harder" if the girl played hard to get but these days, seriously I can't be bothered. It takes up alot of time and energy chasing someone around, trying to impress them, letting them call all the shots, playing those silly games.

I'd be better off working on my career and enjoying my life.

 

It's not like "I'm just not into them" it's more like "I'm just not into playing silly games with them"

 

They should make a movie about that. Johnny Depp can play me.

 

Haha, I thought it was good too. They could make a movie...I think Sean Bean could play me if he dyed his hair dark and goes back to his native Yorkshire accent!

[jengh]

I read the book and saw the movie. The book DEFINITELY made sense to me. I think that sometimes, it IS black and white like he writes. However, sometimes...it's not necessarily that easy. It shed a lot of light on my most recent break up though, that's for sure.

[Day_Walker]

I think that for me the situation can be black and white but i would modify the statement by saying a guy is either into having a relationship or he isnt. I know plenty of guys that like girls but do not want to have relationships with them, and they have their reasons. The trick is to know if a person is interested and this goes for guys and girls. For me this is a simple process, I ask myself is this girl into me more than 50%, the answer dictates how my interaction will be with her.

[shikashika]

I think in general, yes, if someone isn't paying attention or returning phone calls, then face it, they ar not 'into you'

 

However, as DN said earlier in this thread, it's not always that simple. Are humans simple?

 

 

When you first meet someone do you know, "YES, i'm INTO YOU!"

 

This has become such a catch phrase, one band-aid fits all response and that is not the case.

 

 

The funny thing is, I've seen so many posts on here about game playing and waiting 3 days to call, yet then people go around saying that if he's not calling he (or she) is not into you.

 

I can think of several examples of successful relationships that i know of where there were troubles to begin with.

 

I think the main message, of not begging or hanging around waiting is good one, but it's not all so cut and dry.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think women often overlook their power to choose. They rely so heavily on the approval and acceptance of men (is he calling, does he like me, am I good enough), they don't even really consider (down the line, of course- no decisions should be made in the first couple dates) if this person is someone they want. When you give up that power and give up your standards you become completely impossible to love.

 

A guy wants a woman who wants him, too!

[bebeblondie]

I think the point he's trying to get accross is, that if somebody likes you and is "into you" there are no guessing games. And when we do find ourselves trying to figure out whether or not that certain someone is into us, we make excuses like "maybe I misinterpreted what he/she said, when they told me they are not looking for a relationship" or something along those lines. I think his best line is "there are exceptions to the rule, but you are not the exception, you are the rule", we often tend to think we are the exception to the rule, and that's what gets us into dangerous territory.

[pumpkinmoon]

Saw the movie last night actually. I enjoyed the film but it did irritate me quite a lot. I do think though that if a man acts as if he isn't interested then he isn't. You can definitely tell when someone has an interest in you.

[Brigadoon]

I loved the book and I was actually only thinking it was about time I re-read it today on my way home from college.

Long story short I met a really lovely guy about a month ago and despite the fact that when we end up together we have a great time and he initiates conversations on Facebook with me that can go on for hours he actually makes no real effort to come anywhere near me or suggest doing anything.

The whole point of the book (as I understand it) is not to say that he definitely does/doesn't like you but to help you to stop worrying about it and assume that if he's interested that he'll let you know and you can safely get on with your life in the meantime.

I'm a bit gutted that he's not as attracted to me as I am to him but making myself re-read the book helps me to keep my head on straight and stops me from wasting time and energy on someone who isn't thinking of me in that way.

As another poster said; he may be into "me" but just not into having a "relationship" with me. So really it's all the same thing and I need to let this one go in order to remain open to someone who actually does think I'm worth their time and effort.

Still gutted though

[newwave]

I am a little annoyed that people are taking advice from an alcoholic comedian. He's knows as much about dating as I do, will people buy a book written by me? If not why would you from someone like him? There's so many I disagree with him but one of the stupidest rules I've seen is the whole idea that women should play hard to get and men should pursue them. I only play hard to get with guys I have zero interest in, yet these dumb guys think I'm really interested and keep pursuing.

 

I have one place for books like these and it's the garbage.

[jonny15]

That stuff is garbage, and people shouldn't be taking advise from someone out to take money from them.

[BriarRose]

I never read the book. It's pretty clear to me when a man is not into me. And when he is.

[Jetta]

My thought is if a guy is really into you nothing can stop him from pursuing you been on the receiving end of that experience (husband #2). Finding that in a mutual sense is harder than rocks.

[Brigadoon]

I never read the book. It's pretty clear to me when a man is not into me. And when he is.

 

Lucky you; I suck at that.

I sometimes feel like I'm afflicted with guys who seem to enjoy flirting their asses off for months to then turn around and introduce me to their brand new girlfriend. I love that book and it's concept of "next". It has saved me an awful lot of pain.

[ut804]

I love the book! I recommend it to all women. what he says is true. if a man likes you, he will ask you out and want to see you.

[jonny15]

That is just untrue.

 

It may be true for guys that are very outgoing, but it isn't always true for everyone else.

[arcadefire]

I believe the book is good inspiration for women who feel rejected, and it's good to boost self-esteem. Like most other advice, take it with a grain of salt, but it is positive and uplifting for some people.

[Brigadoon]

@Jonny15

I totally agree with you; but if a guy is too shy to move things on then it all amounts to the same thing.

Unfortunately I am a pretty shy woman who is generally attracted to shy guys and as I am really pushing myself as far as I can go in showing them how I feel it really does cause me considerable distress when they don't meet me anywhere near the middle.

The book teaches you that whether a guy just isn't into you or has no intention of doing anything about it is the same thing; he's not going to move the situation along so you are better off out of it

It sucks but I have to look after me; and not someone who doesn't think I'm worth the effort of trying to get over his shyness after I've done my best to get over mine for him.

[LightbulbSun]

If he's shy, he's going to show signs of not being into you. So if you follow this book with a shy guy, be prepared to break his heart.

[newwave]

If he's shy, he's going to show signs of not being into you. So if you follow this book with a shy guy, be prepared to break his heart.

 

Yep and I wonder how many shy guys have been hurt this way.

[Brigadoon]

Yep and I wonder how many shy guys have been hurt this way.

 

It sucks for us too.

But you can't spend all your time and energy on someone who for their own reasons cannot or will not reciprocate. It's soul destroying for us too because it makes us feel as though there must be something wrong with us if this guy feels so strongly that he has to hide any feelings for us.

I'm sorry to say it but if a guy knows that he won't do anything tangible about making a move then he shouldn't interfere with us at all. Because all he's doing is setting both parties up for needless stress and pain for absolutely no reason.