nimisaj Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I wasn't sure where to post this... it does relate to dating, so I thought I'd post it here instead of the book talk section. What are your thoughts? Is it as black and white as Greg B states? (Book summary: the guy is either into a girl or he's not at all...) Have you read the book and/or would you see the movie...? Thoughts from women and men welcome!!!
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I am really interested in this, but I haven't read the book or seen the movie. But I am tempted to believe that men pretty much either want the girl or not... they aren't as willing to "see how it goes" as women. They don't waste the time. But the idea makes me kind of sad (having not read it) because it sounds like no man will ever be "into" a girl.
DN Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Very little in human interaction, especially between men and women, is black and white. I think any book that purports to have definitive answers in predicting and explaining general human behaviours that can be used to predict individual actions and reactions is a waste of trees.
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I always liked this idea. People take rejection too personally, or they settle for people who aren't that into them. Instead of just realizing that someone "is just not that into you", people take things personally or try to force something that isn't there. "He/She is just not that into you" is a great way to walk away from rejection.
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ^ I agree with this... women so often make fools of themselves over a guy (myself surely included), wondering, waiting, etc. Basically, this seems to tell women not to put themselves out there for someone not giving their all in return. It is a good thing.
Elsewhere Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I agree with the movie! I think it's fabulous btw!!! I actually happened to win the guy who was acting kinda shady, but I was patient with him, played well the game he started and we ended up happily together... until he left cause I just "didn't have it"... If he wants you - you WILL know it. If you want him but he's not sure, you can try and it may work but... for how long?
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 ^ I agree with this... women so often make fools of themselves over a guy (myself surely included), wondering, waiting, etc. Basically, this seems to tell women not to put themselves out there for someone not giving their all in return. It is a good thing. Guys do the same thing. I don't know of how many times I've said "dude, let it go, if she liked you, it wouldn't be this hard" to posters on here.
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Guys do the same thing. I don't know of how many times I've said "dude, let it go, if she liked you, it wouldn't be this hard" to posters on here. But don't you think men on this website might be a little more emotional or sensitive just by virtue of the fact they are open to giving and receiving advice in this setting? Maybe another set of men (possibly the majority, idk) don't fret so extensively over failed short term relationships because they are less of those aforementioned qualities.
LBP Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I've definitely dated a girl I wasn't 'certain' about, just to see how things would go.
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 But don't you think men on this website might be a little more emotional or sensitive just by virtue of the fact they are open to giving and receiving advice in this setting? Maybe another set of men (possibly the majority, idk) don't fret so extensively over failed short term relationships because they are less of those aforementioned qualities. I don't know about that, most of my friends are guys and a lot of them have very similar problems. I actually think that people on here might be a bit more less open than normal since they looked to cyber space for advice rather than confiding in friends. At least I know that I am that way.
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I don't know about that, most of my friends are guys and a lot of them have very similar problems. I actually think that people on here might be a bit more less open than normal since they looked to cyber space for advice rather than confiding in friends. At least I know that I am that way. I guess I was thinking of myself in the situation where I need a lot of help but don't have an outlet. I forget 99.9% of you have REAL LIFE friends to talk to. lol :splat:
Clementine orange Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well, I used to be the type of guy who "tried harder" if the girl played hard to get but these days, seriously I can't be bothered. It takes up alot of time and energy chasing someone around, trying to impress them, letting them call all the shots, playing those silly games. I'd be better off working on my career and enjoying my life. It's not like "I'm just not into them" it's more like "I'm just not into playing silly games with them" They should make a movie about that. Johnny Depp can play me.
Elsewhere Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hm ok Orange, but you have to admit girl looses in your rating if she's too available
cristal Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Just returned from watching the movie. One thing I have learned and will stick with me forever, is not to force something that is not there. If the relationship is not flowing, step back and let it follow the natural route of dissolution. Forcing it, will further allienate the person. Sometimes when you step back, it brings things into perspective for the other person. Sometimes in the end, things become clear to them when you step out of the picture. You can also end up winning their love, without any actions or encouragement, on your part. In other words, easy does it.
thistime Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I read the book. Want to see movie, but havent yet. The book is hillarious, and there are some points that, when you read them, you suddenly realize that you were in that situation, but didnt know it at the time. I think the book helps women figure out if a guy is really into them or not...as men can be hard to read, and they may like you for the moment they are in your physical presense, but dont really think about you when they are not. I think if women knew the truth, it would save them alot of time and heartache. It makes it easier if you can realize he's just not that into you....and walk away.
Clementine orange Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hm ok Orange, but you have to admit girl looses in your rating if she's too available Yeah, I get freaked out if they are too eager...that's happened too. It's a balance.
Elsewhere Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Just returned from watching the movie. One thing I have learned and will stick with me forever, is not to force something that is not there. If the relationship is not flowing, step back and let it follow the natural route of dissolution. Forcing it, will further allienate the person. Sometimes when you step back, it brings things into perspective for the other person. Sometimes in the end, things become clear to them when you step out of the picture. You can also end up winning their love, without any actions or encouragement, on your part. In other words, easy does it. Did you learn that from the movie or is that your experience? I so wish I knew that 6 months ago... I remember getting drunk and the bartender (funny cause it's like in the movie) told me: if you're here drinking because of him - that should already be your answer LOL If I had let go back then, maybe it wouldn't have gone downhill so bad...
Liana Palooz Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I have read the book and yet to see the movie.. There is one sentence in the book that literally changed how I look at men who will not commit. .. Chapter 3.. Page 36 - He just not that into you if hes not dating you (hanging out is not dating) -- "Then they also get to pretend they are not really responsible for your feelings* It hit me.. That all this 'hanging out' business is just a real way to get all the benefits of dating, without having to be responsible for being accountable for their behavior. Then someone I had been writing for dating advice, pointed out that as long as someone was not committing to a changing a dating level ( the gent and I in question had been on 6 dates already, I was ready to at least make a move showing I was interested in spending time dating only him. Seems a bit appropriate to me that 6 dates should give you some insight as to whether you want to say that you are only spending time getting to know one person, right?) The person wrote that as long as I allowed things to be as they were (letting him continue to date me, without really taking that step at some point) it was as if he and I were on a date, knowing I despised seafood, took us to a seafood place to eat. He had all the options, and I had to work to just find one option for something to eat. .. The gent was controlling all the options, and pretty much ignoring the other person in the situation, me. A light completely went off.. I got it. I got it so well, that I implemented it into my dating this past weekend with both gentlemen I went out with (Neither was the 6th date guy, I tossed him) and once I realized that one showed signs of being emotionally unavailable (I ended the conversation once it went there, the day following the date- the date itself was wonderful) I was able to close the conversation and just let it go.. As Greg says, I will not waste the pretty. Why should I? Oh, and just to let you know, the 6th date guy sent me a text yesterday. He said he had been thinking of me all week and realized what a wonderful woman I was, and how lucky he was to have had me. I responded, yes.. You were. I am glad you realize it now. Best of luck to you and whomever you find in your future (that was the jest of it) I just don't have the 'understanding' for the men who want to play the "I've been so hurt before" jaded game. And I most certainly won't stick around long enough to allow them to makes sure my heart is either. I love that I am an open person and full of joy..
Rosee Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I haven't seen the movie yet, when I first read the book I thought it was amazingly insightful..now I think things aren't so black and white because of stuff I've read from men on this board and also finding out about personality styles and how they can be critical in determining someone's behaviour (rather than it being a gender thing).
madmarten Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well, I used to be the type of guy who "tried harder" if the girl played hard to get but these days, seriously I can't be bothered. It takes up alot of time and energy chasing someone around, trying to impress them, letting them call all the shots, playing those silly games. I'd be better off working on my career and enjoying my life. It's not like "I'm just not into them" it's more like "I'm just not into playing silly games with them" They should make a movie about that. Johnny Depp can play me. I agree, I don't believe "trying harder" like you put it increases the chance of relationship developing or progressing, sometimes it can choke it out. Easy does it at first, no big expectations, just having a bit of fun.
madmarten Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I am really interested in this, but I haven't read the book or seen the movie. But I am tempted to believe that men pretty much either want the girl or not... they aren't as willing to "see how it goes" as women. They don't waste the time. But the idea makes me kind of sad (having not read it) because it sounds like no man will ever be "into" a girl. Actually I don't believe this, I think guys, well most of us, *will* see how it goes. And I think guys may actually be more flexible than girls. But, It depends a lot on the guys current goals, and well how many choices out there he percieves he has.
D_Lish Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I think that 95% of the time, if he aint calling, he just is not 'into' you. I think a lot of women fool themselves and will make excuses, for a guys behaviour: ie: Maybe he's busy, Maybe he lost his phone, Maybe he didn't get the text... Despite he doesn't call, some women will still pursue and pursue and pursue and just don't get the msg. Even if he was into you and yet wasn't calling a lot due to being 'genuinely' busy. Well IMO and a if a guy will make so little time for you in the early stages of a relationship, he's unlikely to make time for you further down the road either due to being busy. And my dad would always say that if a man doesn't pay a woman enough attention, then she looks for a guy who will pay her attention. Guess he could have been talking through experience, lol I've seen some women in various forums, still be making excuses for a guy who hasn't called in weeks. If a guy wasn't calling me, I'd KNOW why and I'd move on. I've read the book but I aint seen the film.. One phrase from the film though, 'If he's not sleeping with you, he isn't into you'.... Load of baloney, because a guy doesn't have to be into a woman, to be sleeping with her either...
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I wanted to add that my perspective comes from several years of dating without even an answering machine, several years after that with no email or instant messaging or "google" searches- and I lived at home until I was 28 and had dated about 13 years by the time I moved out (but most of that was LTRs). So with "only" a land line - and most of that time not even an office phone (I was in school full time) when a man was sincerely interested, he got in touch even if it was difficult to track me down without all the technology we didn't even know about at the time. I remember two examples where a guy I ended up dating for about a year remembered when we first met that I worked accross the street - he didn't know my last name so he called the place hoping there was only one person with my first name, and then had to convince me we had met because it took him a few days to track me down. My friend got a telegram at work from a guy who wanted a second date because he wanted to show her how much he wanted to see her again and he knew that it was hard to call her at home because she had a difficult roommate. That was my background and once there was email and cell phones and office phones, etc "busy" was less of an excuse (of course in the olden days of the 80s and early 90s it was a perfectly reasonable excuse if the only time you could reach someone was when they were literally at home). I don't agree that a man needs to be calling frequently in the beginning, but with exceptions like being out of town, family emergencies, health emergencies, if he's not trying to see you about once a week in the beginning he is probably not that interested. even if that once a week is an hour for coffee because work is nuts, he should be putting in a sincere effort to make a plan in advance, and make sure that the plan is confirmed as to time and place in advance. If he doesn't call in between just to say "hi" I think that's fine in the beginning - he may not like talking on the phone and if he already made sure you are free for the date that is all the information you need in the beginning as far as interest.
Elsewhere Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I've read the book but I aint seen the film.. One phrase from the film though, 'If he's not sleeping with you, he isn't into you'.... Load of baloney, because a guy doesn't have to be into a woman, to be sleeping with her either... This phrase of the movie actually refers to girls: If SHE's not sleeping with you.. Makes more sense now doesn't it?
Scorpion Fury Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but it's not hard to tell if a guy is into you or not. It's not rocket science.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.