hers Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Did You guys ever bring up the exclusivity thing soberly? Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Did You guys ever bring up the exclusivity thing soberly? No, our date was wednesday (when we had that talk), then thursday was the happy birthday text, then I've been out of town. (he was out of town too, for at least one day.) So, haven't talk to him really since then. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 I just feel like it's his turn to make the next contact, no matter what the form. on dates, he is amazing, but i feel like i'm the one who has initiated the last few text conversations. and of course, i initiated the last date.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 I've sometimes tried too hard to keep a connection going and don't want to make that same mistake again. This isn't a one-time sort of mistake - which i wouldn't call a mistake - (calling to say hi) but rather a pattern of mistakes (always being the one to initiate contact/dates). For example, that guy T I dated several years ago, I came to the realization at some point that it was always me who was initiating dates or conversations - he would reply and go along, but in hindsight, that was definitely a serious sign of his loss of interest (and yes, that is why he broke up with me a few months later). I didn't want to give up on the relationship by seeing how long he would go without contacting me. I don't want to do that again. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Still feeling some anxiety over not hearing from him. When I do hear from him, it's usually between 5-9 pm. He rarely texts at work. Tonight is the final basketball game so I know he'll be watching that. Not sure if I said something that turned him off or scared him or if he's just been busy and preoccupied with other matters and will contact me soon. Like I said, we talked about some fuzzy date plans but never specified dates or times. I mentioned that I have 2 tix to a concert, I invited a gf but she is unsure if she can attend. He expressed interest in going. Is this one of those Mars/rubber band things? Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Is this one of those Mars/rubber band things? Perhaps. Generally I've noticed people who do this are generally unhappy if they're "rubber-banding" back and forth from a relationship. I know when I was not content in a relationship (or just unhappy in general) the first thing that would happen is I would start to retreat. Guys tend to do this much more than women do as a defensive mechanism. Not necessarily the case here as I don't know him, his past or how he feels about you. Plus, your relationship with him is in it's infancy. I don't think I can give you good advice other than to take your own expectations of him back a few notches. You mentioned that he went through a very difficult relationship where he was cheated on. I'm assuming you're the next person he's had any kind of relationship with since, so I wouldn't be very surprised if there's some baggage there. There is a *possibility* that he may have no genuine intention of building an intimate relationship with you and is using this behavior to keep you at a distance. Perhaps until he can trust you better? I don't know. I don't think you've known each other long enough to make that assumption but it's a possibility. Anyway, lower your expectations for the time being and give him time to show you if this is habitual behavior or because you and he just don't know each other *that* well yet. After he gets to know you better and develops some semblance of trust he may start initiating more. Just protect yourself and don't ignore red flags simply because it's a new relationship. Just give it time for now. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Thanks LD. That is good advice. It is hard. Because our dates are so amazing and he is so sweet and complementary and he tells me how much he likes me, talks about stuff we will do in the future......Now I haven't heard from him since Thursday! Almost 4 days!! Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Annie, if you feel like M is worth pursuing, I really think you should contact him first. Maybe something light ... about the game? Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 hi ellie - i know, but that's the thing, i've done that the last few times i haven't heard from him for a while - light e-mail saying hi and commenting on some movie or game or whatever. but i wonder if things went too fast for him last week and needs some time to cool down or process? i dunno..... Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Has the conversation ever steered towards how he mentioned he may be moving? I don't know where you mentioned that but it might have been a few pages back. For me that would be a deal-breaker until I knew for sure he wasn't going to be gone in a few months. Then again I abhor LDR's He may just be taking things slow for a reason. Was the last time you talked to him when you went "exclusive"? Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 Has the conversation ever steered towards how he mentioned he may be moving? I don't know where you mentioned that but it might have been a few pages back. For me that would be a deal-breaker until I knew for sure he wasn't going to be gone in a few months. Then again I abhor LDR's He may just be taking things slow for a reason. Was the last time you talked to him when you went "exclusive"? no, we didn't discuss the possible move to europe since then. i think on the 2nd date i asked more about it, but not since then. he has an extended chunk of vacation time coming up in the fall and we were talking about that on wednesday at dinner. he said he was frustrated because his friends weren't getting back to him on it. i said - did you ever just think of going alone? he was like, 'no i actually hadn't thought about it, that's a good idea.' i told him when i went on an extended trip, i saw some friends, did some parts alone and did some parts with a tour group. i told him that could be an option. he said he was going to think about that. yeah, our last real conversation was wednesday night - the exclusive talk. then thursday, i just texted him to wish him a happy birthday and hoped he was having a nice day and he texted back thanks and yes he was. and that's been it. i alternate between wanting to text him something like (hey - how was your weekend, and say something about the game). to feeling super sad and hurt. to feeling kind of angry that we had this amazing time - i took him out to dinner, he gushed about it in front of me to his roommate about how much he enjoyed it.... and now nothing?! i dunno - he could just text any minute with a 'hey - how's it going?' text and i would be so much happier.... but i just don't know how to drop my expectations. life would be easier if i could just do that. it's funny - i have family members i've called who haven't returned my call in months!! and i'm not even angry at them. when we finally do talk, it's no big deal. but i just feel so hurt and vulnerable in romantic relationships. i guess that is my baggage. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 i'm still in a decent amount of pain/discomfort. i have an appointment with an acupuncturist/eastern medicine guy on wednesday night. hope it helps..... i met a woman on the bus this weekend, she told me she went to this guy and all her back pain was gone in one session. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 oh my goodness. i've been crying on and off since i got home from work. just thinking that it's over, kicking myself for getting in too deep too quickly. all of that. LDRohnos was a sweetie and was chatting with me online to calm me down. and just as i was going to send him a light text message about the game (seriously, i was halfway through!) M texted me asking about my weekend, and telling me he had an amazing time with me on wednesday. so funny, i was seriously, exactly in the middle of texting him. gosh. i dunno - so many emotions right now. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think LDRhonos hit the nail ont he head. If your the first person he's dated since the cheater, it will take a while for those walls to come down. Try to also look at it like this: there are times I want L to do something RIGHT THEN but L doesn't want to. View his texting as such. You think it's been a while but remember also he's playing the same 'is she/isn't she' game on HIS end. He doesn't want to suffocate you as much as you don't want to suffocate him. And he as well could be wondering about the exclusive talk in the way of 'was it the alochol?', etc. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think LDRhonos hit the nail ont he head. If your the first person he's dated since the cheater, it will take a while for those walls to come down. Try to also look at it like this: there are times I want L to do something RIGHT THEN but L doesn't want to. View his texting as such. You think it's been a while but remember also he's playing the same 'is she/isn't she' game on HIS end. He doesn't want to suffocate you as much as you don't want to suffocate him. And he as well could be wondering about the exclusive talk in the way of 'was it the alochol?', etc. see - it's just so hard to tell!! of course, it could be he has his walls up. or could be he's not taking things as seriously as i am and regrets having the exclusive conversation (if he remembers it at all!!!!!!!) just so many what ifs. in any case, i am super happy that he wrote to me before i finished typing out that text, lol. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 see - it's just so hard to tell!! of course, it could be he has his walls up. or could be he's not taking things as seriously as i am and regrets having the exclusive conversation (if he remembers it at all!!!!!!!) just so many what ifs. in any case, i am super happy that he wrote to me before i finished typing out that text, lol. Have you texted him back yet? I have to admit, I showed L all my crazyness fairly early on (and he still married me??) so for me I always advise 'just ask' but then I have to remind myself that doesn't work for everyone. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 i did text back. i went and took a shower first to calm down and act normal, lol. we've just written back and forth a little bit about our weekends, what we did, etc... nothing heavy. game is on now. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 oh... he told me that he spent a boys' weekend at a beer festival at a resort city. makes me wonder if his boyfriends told him to "act cool" and not text me for 4 days. lol. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Sigh. Working on it. It's hard. Mane the acupuncture guy can do something about my anxiety. I don't want to take any more drugs. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 still working on this expectations thing. i remember batya's words in my head - you own socks you've known longer than thsi man! however, i still "expect" to be asked out this weekend by him, otherwise, i will be super disappointed. i do wonder if he's holding me at arm's length. i sent him a text today 3 hours ago about the game, haven't heard back. granted, there was nothing there that "needed" replying to, but i would have hoped he would have done so. my emotions are on such a roller-coaster. the fact that it's the first day of my period really doesn't help either. i feel extra sensitive this month. i don't know if i'm blowing things up in my head or if something is really going on with him. sigh. if he doesn't ask me out for this weekend, i know i will be soooo disappointed and sad (unless of course, there is some very urgent reason why he cannot go out). and that's the thing about expectations. i try not to have them, but i also know that it wouldn't be a good thing at this point if he didn't want to see me soon. makes me just want to call the whole things off. i told him that i was very scared of being hurt and he promised not to hurt me. maybe an impossible promise to make. to top it off, my back is feeling worse right now. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Were you able to see the acupuncturist? I never knew that it helped with anxiety! btw, I know that you're in pain and I feel bad for laughing ... but Batya's words ... omg, that's hilarious! (sorry ...) Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 I go tomorrow night to the acupuncturist. i'll let you guys know how it goes.... haha, batya didn't say that to me right now about the specific situation, but i just know she has used that phrase before many times. I have some socks i've had for 5 years, so it will be hard for any man to compete with that. chatted with M tonight a little bit over texts. he mentioned he's getting off work early on friday, but didn't ask me out or suggest anything this weekend... hm. i know... expectations.... Link to comment
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