Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[annie24]

ok, well, i took your advice. i emailed him on facebook that i tried to contact him but he must be offline. i told him congratulations of scheduling a date and wished him well on the preparations. then i told him i am going to dance class in a few minutes (which i am).

 

well, we'll see....... that was a nice and friendly enough email, and if i still get nothing to that......

[Daligal83]

I think that was a good idea annie. Because then at least you'll know either way and you won't have to keep wondering and thinking about different scenarios. And if he can't be bothered to answer a simple message like that, well then he's definitely just not worth it. You're better than that.

[annie24]

he wrote back. just said sorry for missing me, all this stuff is avalanching on him, and he was asking me how i'm doing and how my weekend is going. i have a friend coming over right now, she had a bad day too, we're going to sit and drink together. sigh.

[Daligal83]

Rent a comedy! Do something to lift your spirits. I'd wait to write him back until tomorrow, so it doesn't seem like you're waiting around for his email.

[annie24]

i have a friend over right now. she brought a bottle of wine, we are watching TV and reading. it is helping a lot.

 

just such a confusing time. sigh. i'm reading a book on anxiety and it has some really funny tips. like throwing eggs into your bathtub!!!! lol. that's way better than punching a pillow!!!

[Daligal83]

I'm glad that it's helping you out That egg thing sounds like a good idea!! Except for the clean up afterwards lol.

[annie24]

lol. i don't want to clean!!!

 

so, my friend left, and 2 minutes later, i got a knock at my door again. it was her. she got a call from the guy she is dating, and they were at a bar down the street from my place. so, me and her went to meet the guy she is dating, and his best friend, that she wanted to introduce me to. he's nice, cute, smart. he's also a graduate student, graduating in a few months, but he's staying in the area after graduation. she asked what i thought of him - i said i didn't really know him, but he seemed nice and we had a lot in common. if he asked me out, i guess i wouldn't be opposed to meeting him again.

 

i guess this is the universe's way of saying, 'hey - there are other guys out there.' especially when i spent half the day crying over bus boy, it was nice to just go out and have some drinks with a totally new guy.

[Daligal83]

yay annie!!! There are definitely other guys out there. And the fact that this guy is staying puts him in a much better situation than bus boy. Hopefully he'll ask you out!

[annie24]

hm. i'm still so confused and hurt. i'm hurt that he hasn't tried to initiate any plans with me. he invited me to his graduation and after party, but that is 2 weeks away. he didn't say anything like, 'let's hang out tonight' or whatever. it makes me feel like he isn't feeling the chemsitry and that just makes me sad. like it's all been in my head or something. or maybe he's backing off because he is moving. in any case, i dunno, maybe it's time to talk to him....?

[Daligal83]

I get to the point where I have to say something. It's better than wondering what's going on. And at this point I don't think it's too forward if you go about it in the right way. I definitely don't think it's all been in your head though. Aside from this lapse, he's definitely been acting very interested.

[annie24]

what should i do? email him and tell him how i feel? call him? ask to see him in person?

[Batya33]

Annie, in my experience the wishy washy stuff usually signals lack of strong interest (for whatever reason) - and I mean all else being equal - taking into account busy schedules, stressful life situations, whatever- I would focus on moving on rather than the chance that this is one of those exceptions where he is highly interested but _____ (fill in the blank with something out of his control).

So - do nothing - because as you know that's the beauty of it - if there is an exception, the ball is in his court anyway and doing nothing won't change that or change his level of interest (yes I know and I know you know that there's a concern that he is not hitting the ball back because of a perceived lack of interest from you but if what you've done so far isn't enough for him, that's also not a great sign.

 

I think it's great that you met someone else -- whether or not you date him you are right - it shows you that this is one guy. Don't put all your eggs in one bathtub. Feel better and I am sorry he is disappointing you - he obviously is not as smart as you thought.

[annie24]

yeah, there is so much i want to say to him, but it feels awkward to tell him over email or over the phone..... it would be better in person, but if he's not asking me out in person, maybe that's my answer right there? i don't know. i just don't know what is going on. i think he is going to a performance i am in this weekend (well, as in 6 days from now). he asked me about that. but at this point, i don't know where his interest level lies - just as a friend, or more or holding back or what. holding back now that he knows for sure he is leaving and the reality is crashing down on him??? see, i'm making all these guesses about what i think he is feeling, but i haven't asked him anything.

 

i haven't replied to his email yet.

[annie24]

This is essentially what i want to say to him:

 

dear xxxxxxx - thanks for inviting me to your graduation and after-party. to be honest, i am feeling very conflicted. on one hand, i am very happy for you, that you are graduating and embarking on this exciting time in your life, moving to a new country and starting a new job. This sounds like it will be an amazing adventure, and you will learn so much and meet so many new people. I hope to be in your shoes this time next year as moving out of the country when i graduate is something i've been thinking a lot of doing myself. on the other hand, i feel sad as i've developed feelings for you in the short time we have known each other, and now you are leaving, and i will miss you. i've had a lot of fun spending time with you and getting to know you, who knew you could meet people on the bus? so now what? i don't know what to say/do at this point, so i guess i'll stop here. i would like to hear what you have to say.

[Daligal83]

Although I understand Batya's point of just moving on rather than saying anything, I know for myself that saying something would make it easier to do that for me. I think if you send that message it's fine as long as you are completely prepared for it to go either way. You have to be able to handle the fact that you may not hear what you want to hear.

[annie24]

yeah, i'm afraid of that.

 

so, hmmm.... let me think about it - what could he say? i guess worst case, i don't hear from him at all. or he tells me he is sorry for leading me on, that he doesn't have feelings for me beyond friendship. then i guess i would wonder why we spent that time making out!!! he could say he likes me too, but with the move/graduation, etc... starting a relationship isn't really feasible. he could say he likes me too and wants to see where things go, but i don't know, that doesn't sound too likely at this point. but who knows???

[Daligal83]

Then you have to decide if it's worth it. Remember that last situation I had with that friend of mine? Everyone kept saying not to contact him but eventually I just did send him a facebook message. I got some blowoff response back and it hurt at first, but it also gave me closure and helped me move on. Well kind of move on because we're still talking and I still want to hookup with him, lol. But I have moved on completely from the idea of dating him. So you need to decide that if it's worth the possible hurt to get the closure. There's also the possibility that he will make an excuse that gives you hope, but he still won't take any action. Some people need that closure and others just need time to move on and can go without saying anything. You just have to figure out what works for you.

[annie24]

ok, well, i just sent him that email. i hear what you are saying completely batya. normally, i probably would just back off and see what he says or does. however, these are kind of unusual circumstances with the move. i had a long talk on the phone with a male friend of mine, i read him that email and he liked it. he said if he were in bus boy's shoes, he would want to know how i felt. so, i decided to send it off, the email i posted here on the last page, along with answering his questions he asked me.

 

so, i guess now we just wait and see. i think it will help me get some closure at this point, or at least help me to understand where his mind is at.

 

sigh. this sucks. kind of a lose-lose situation.

[Daligal83]

Don't look at it in those terms. We learn from each experience we have, so if nothing else chalk it up to that. Plus like we've been saying, it's a reminder that there ARE guys out there and you never know where you'll meet a good one.

[annie24]

awww, thanks. i do feel better. at least just telling him by email how i feel and getting it off my chest. so, now he knows how i feel (i guess if he couldn't figure it out before). so... yeah.

 

some guys have contacted me on match, but no one who has sparked my interest. i have a lot of work and other stuff to focus on this week, so i'll try to throw myself into that. i want to be patient and let this guy really think about how he feels and express it to me when he is ready. i'm not expecting an answer in like an hour or two.

[BellaDonna]

Good luck. It think it's good that you said what had to say- you really had nothing to lose.

 

At least now you don't always have to wonder what "could have been". You let your feelings be known. So the ball is 100% in his court now and you can rest a little, knowing that you got your feelings off your chest.

 

Keep us posted.

[annie24]

24 hours later, no response yet. am trying to wait patiently, but it is hard. my friend knew i was in a lot of pain yesterday, so she dragged me out of the house and to the mall. we went shopping, i got a new dress and shirt and some fun shiny stuff at H+M, got a new bra on sale, and then we went and got some sushi. it was really nice of her. when i started to talk about him, she stopped me. that's good, i don't need to dwell. she says it's time for me to get out of my funk, and she is right. when i look into the mirror, i look so tired and worn down, not good at all!

 

we went to the aveda counter and they had some 'chakra balancing' booth - the aveda girl asked me to look at some cards and pick out the one which i was drawn to. i chose 'nourishment', and it turned out on the other side, that was for the second chakra (the relationship chakra). she gave me a massage and spritzed me with some spray that's supposed to be for rebalancing the second chakra (orange and sandalwood spray). it was nice. i got a bottle of it. i figure it can't hurt at this stage. it was nice to try and pamper myself.

 

i feel a bit better today. just trying to get work done as much as possible and focus on other things. i'm even starting to feel a little bit angry at him. obviously, i know he will likely want to take his time in replying to that email, perhaps to think about exactly what he wants to say, but if he doesn't reply in the next few days, i'll probably write him off for good, and take him off my facebook. to me, he's not much of even a friend, if he doesn't write back to me something, even if it is to say, 'sorry, but i don't feel the same way.' that's fine, but i think i deserve a reply at this point. i think it's rude if i don't get one.

[Daligal83]

I'm glad you pampered yourself annie! You have a good friend there to take you out like that. Plus there's just nothing like retail therapy I practice it regularly lol.

 

I agree that if you don't hear from him soon, write him off. It doesn't take that long to think about it. You deserve some kind of response from him and if he doesn't, well it shows his character. Hopefully you'll hear something soon. Keep busy until then!

[annie24]

hm. what is a reasonable amount of time to give someone to respond before writing them off for good?

[Batya33]

If it was an email and i know the person checks email, I would give it a few days at most - it doesn't take much time to respond. I will say that before my husband and I started dating again - when we had just hung out a few times - he didn't respond to an email for several days - and I emailed him again after that - he said he'd been very busy and apologized, then made plans to see me. I think there was something else going on - a personal situation at the time - but I let it go since after that he was 100% responsive/reliable etc.