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'Friend' Got What was Coming


LBP

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A guy who used to be a real close friend started dating my ex, my first true love, a bit less than a year ago. It was a bad situation - he was lying, she was lying, everyone was lying, tons of drama, back talk and backstabbing (none instigated by me). Well, it's come full circle. She did to him what she did to me, basically verbatim. It's almost funny. She moved to another country (this time Germany, where as for me it was China), met someone else (this time a Frenchman instead of a German), and promptly dumped him. For me, it took her a couple months. He was done in a week or so.

 

Basically, as a result of this he has been excommunicated by all our mutual friends, exiled to his home town and forced to live in his grandmother's basement. I've considered burying the hatchet, but at the same time I don't trust the guy. For all that, I'm the only man he knows that could sympathize with what he's going through. I'm sure it'd mean a lot to him (he used to consider me his best friend). That would never happen again, but... I don't know. Seems like I could be the bigger guy, yet at the same time I'm really relishing this. The news literally made my day - vindicated all the unpleasantness that came out of this in a matter of minutes. Doesn't that sound awful? I'm experiencing so much schadenfreude that I feel guilty about it.

 

Then again, maybe I'm happier leaving it. Guy should have known better. Hell, I don't know. I probably won't ever see him again anyway. Just getting it off my chest.

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Should you be buddy-buddy with him? Likely not, especially if it'll be fake but relishing the pain of another person is lacking in class.

 

I know. It feels really wrong. I felt like whistling for a lot of the day... Even though I've always known it would happen? That's what made him dating her the worst... We all knew (except for him) it was going to go down the exact same way, yet he decided to date her anyway. That's the reason all my other friends shun him.

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Then they aren't actual friends, friends are there to pick someone up off of their feet and dust them off to live on, not relish their defeat and push them down even further.

 

I tried very hard to be his friend while they were dating, but he ignored me... Because he felt uncomfortable I guess. Why should I go back to trusting him now? Considering I was his 'best friend,' why should they trust him either? Should we just 'let it go'? What's in it for us?

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So for clarification of the past, you lived in Country X with your ex (who was your girlfriend at the time), then she moved to China where your best friend happened to be living, so she dumped you & started dating him? How did they both end up in China?

 

Don't feel bad about relishing in his situation. It's called Karma- what he got was exactly what he inflicted on you. HE was supposed to be your friend & he CAUSED your pain (along with her). Now, you didn't cause HIS pain but I don't see anything wrong with a little guilty satisfaction. At least you have the conscience to know that it is more noble to be the bigger person!

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If he started dating your ex after you two had broken up then he did nothing wrong.It's natural he would feel uncomfortable talking to you while he was dating your ex ,partcularly if you still had feelings for her but unfortunately those kind of things happen.You should be man enough to let it go.

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So for clarification of the past, you lived in Country X with your ex (who was your girlfriend at the time), then she moved to China where your best friend happened to be living, so she dumped you & started dating him? How did they both end up in China?

 

Okay, it's complicated. We were dating. She moves to China. Dumps me. I move out of state, she moves back to where I used to live... Moves in with my friend and several other of my close buddies. She declares me persona non grata after having moved in (fine, I'm out of state). Starts dating my friend. My friend stops talking to me. She moves to Germany and dumps him. He moves in with his grandmother. For final clarification, I now live in England instead of California where all the juicy stuff happened.

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If he started dating your ex after you two had broken up then he did nothing wrong.It's natural he would feel uncomfortable talking to you while he was dating your ex ,partcularly if you still had feelings for her but unfortunately those kind of things happen.You should be man enough to let it go.

 

So our friendship is at his convenience? She was my first, I think I'll always have 'some' feelings for her (though they are admittedly far less, now that I'm certain that what she did to me is what she does to every guy). What if he does something like this for a second time... Just let him do what he wants and reconnect later? Why would I want to be friends with someone like that?

 

These are questions I legitimately want answered, I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud. Currently, I'm thinking screw him, but at the same time feeling ungenerous for having that inclination. Logically, I can't justify letting him back in.

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Okay, it's complicated. We were dating. She moves to China. Dumps me. I move out of state, she moves back to where I used to live... Moves in with my friend and several other of my close buddies. She declares me persona non grata after having moved in (fine, I'm out of state). Starts dating my friend. My friend stops talking to me. She moves to Germany and dumps him. He moves in with his grandmother. For final clarification, I now live in England instead of California where all the juicy stuff happened.

 

Oooh ok. So she didn't dump you to be with him; she dumped you & dated him later. How long was it after you guys broke up that they started dating?

 

I think there is an unspoken rule that you don't date your best friend's ex or your ex's best friend but some people don't feel the need to abide by that. I can see how you would feel a little warm & fuzzy hearing what happened to him but since he didn't cause the breakup, don't gloat over it too much. I don't see a reason to reach out to be friends again now; just let it go.

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This doesn't mean you can't have it both ways LPD. You are a very kind soul to even consider for a moment reaching out. I can say most men (or women) wouldn't. I think you could reach out, or at least accept his call if he calls you, but that doesn't mean that deep down inside there is not some sense of "hmph, i could have told you it would end like this".

 

You are, after all, human. While i don't like revenge (i made that clear on another thread) there is a human inclination to feel some gladness justice has been served. And it wasn't done by your hand so guilt is surely not necessary.

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So our friendship is at his convenience? She was my first, I think I'll always have 'some' feelings for her (though they are admittedly far less, now that I'm certain that what she did to me is what she does to every guy). What if he does something like this for a second time... Just let him do what he wants and reconnect later? Why would I want to be friends with someone like that?

 

These are questions I legitimately want answered, I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud. Currently, I'm thinking screw him, but at the same time feeling ungenerous for having that inclination. Logically, I can't justify letting him back in.

Your relationship with her was OVER before he started dating her ? So who are you to dictate who she goes out with or doesn't go out with?The fact she moved in with your friend obviously was how the relationship got started.Do you know the details as to how the relationship began? Who pursued whom? It sounds like you weren't over your ex but those are your problems that you have to deal with ,not your friend's.

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I agree with the above, while dating the ex of a friend can be a bit rough they were both consenting adults and were both single, there's no "revenge" or "offense" logically made (at least on his part from what we're being told). You and your friends turning their backs on him because.... he dated a girl you used to date? That's petty.

 

I tried very hard to be his friend while they were dating, but he ignored me... Because he felt uncomfortable I guess. Why should I go back to trusting him now? Considering I was his 'best friend,' why should they trust him either? Should we just 'let it go'? What's in it for us?

 

Friends let things go when it doesn't involve causing intentional pain to that friend so unless he intentionally did this to get back at you I don't see much of an issue, as for your last question "What's in it for us?" That's not a question a friend asks and I would void him becuase, if anything, you'd only want payback. Karma is only in dealing with intentional malicious acts (or their opposite) and from what you're telling us, he seems to be a clueless person who fell for someone and was hurt by them and instead of having a base of support he has a bunch of, to use your term from your original post, "back stabbers".

 

Now this is based purely on what you wrote but, if this is any real lens into what you and your friends are like, I'd be glad not to be involved in that kind of toxic atmosphere, no offense intended towards you.

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Haha, but it was indeed incredibly offensive.

 

Who knows, perhaps you're right. I just don't see how it's logical that I shouldn't have been hurt by something that hurt me and then am in the wrong because after I tried to reach out to both of them, I was rebuffed and insulted.

 

I don't understand why you both ignored the part where I reached out to him and was ignored as well as the other bit where she said that I wasn't allowed to visit a house which I helped furnish because she was there.

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I'm not ignoring it, I'm separating it to answer the query you asked. You can be hurt, you can even be upset, but from your posts the girl seems to be the common factor of "evil" so to speak, he seemed to be just as foolish as you and he was played just like you were.

 

I'm not against you feeling like this, I'm more bothered by the term "karma" being toted about when, by this definition, it doesn't fit, and am bothered as well by all your other friends who do not have the same connection as you do, they are not good "friends" in this light. I suppose I feel your friends are in the wrong and that you and the friend were both played and are, in that case, both in need of some support that your friends should be providing but they're taking sides and asking what's in it for them, two things friends don't do.

 

Leave him be, sure, but don't pretend he deserves it or "had it coming" (which makes you and your friends somehow innocent via contrast) when you and your friends are playing a similar game to what the girl did.

 

And people think I'm a terrible friend for freely reporting my friends when they go underage drinking and such... at least I'm consistent and stab them in the front, not the back.

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I'm not ignoring it, I'm separating it to answer the query you asked. You can be hurt, you can even be upset, but from your posts the girl seems to be the common factor of "evil" so to speak, he seemed to be just as foolish as you and he was played just like you were.

 

 

These are the differences. First, he saw what happened to me and decided to do it anyway - I came in as an innocent. Second, our mutual friends were my friends first. He got into the circle because when the two of us me, he was incredibly depressed from a previous breakup and in need of support. I, more or less on my own, pulled him from this pit and shaped him back into pre-heartbreak shape. This was how he had ANY friends in college. These are the friends who aren't speaking to him now. Third, he swore to me without prompting that he would never do anything with my ex... Something none of my other friends did (because it was an unspoken thing?). As a result, he was the only one of my circle I would have been bothered by her dating. Fourth, she made a regular habit of tearing me down in front of other people and just generally lying about me, something he tolerated and encouraged... Another reason my other friends have grown to dislike him.

 

There are more. I'm not convinced by your argument. He did me a bad turn and it came back in an entirely predictable way. In fact, he actively pondered the unpleasantness of causing me pain and then decided to do it anyway. I think that's karma exactly. How can you explain it otherwise? I know you have tried to do so in your post, but I don't think I get it.

 

I'm thinking I'll forget about him and if fate puts us in the same room well, hey, who am I to argue? The threat of the ex is long gone, so it doesn't matter much. Just don't let him invest my 401k...

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So he told you he wouldn't go out with your ex? Why was that a big deal for you anyway?If your relationship with her was over why would you care who she went out with? If he encouraged her to tear you down that's another issue but don't base your vengeance on the fact he had a relationship with someone you went out with,that's immature.

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