Jump to content

LBP

Platinum Member
  • Posts

    2,027
  • Joined

LBP's Achievements

Collaborator

Collaborator (7/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Posting Machine Rare
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done

Recent Badges

115

Reputation

  1. the flower that has already been overrun. It's life drains... With it, a youth goes.
  2. A touch along warming skin waiting for my kiss at the neck, the cheek the shoulder and lower to feel every part of you: breathing your breath and feeling your sweat mixing with mine in a passion savored over hours of waiting for that moment of seeing you I feel love in your nails on my back your heel hooked against my body, holding me close against a heart beating with the flow of becoming one with you
  3. Learned, though I all ready suspected, that my ex has my AIM on block... Strikes me a puzzling as I haven't even attempted to IM her in months... Had no effect on me. I'm starting to wonder more and more how she could care so little about something in which she invested so much time and why she doesn't seem to care that she's driving her other friends away through her actions. I don't wonder about it that. When you're self-obsessed I'm sure it's easy to pretend that no one else matters. The curse of youth, I suppose. Day 6? Not sure. Feeling good.
  4. Honestly, I feel a million times better since I wrote this. I realize what I have to do. I now have another chance to be a man about things and I'm not gonna let it pass me by.
  5. Turned a huge corner... Finally figured things out. I think live is going to be alot easier here on in. Day 5.
  6. She did offer reasons, but most of them were contradictory or didn't line up with reality... It often felt like she was trying to find every reason that I wasn't right for her while ignoring all the good times we had and good qualities I brought to being together... How happy I made her, how I helped her see the world in new ways, introduced to her to art and etc. But that's the nature of the beast, as I said.
  7. Thank you all for your kind words... yes, I did harass her, in retrospect... I wish I hadn't. I didn't call her everyday or anything or even message her everyday... I tried to be polite about it but I should have just been a man about things. That's my ultimate regret, that I couldn't "nut up" as they say and simply accept things as they were. I was a rookie and I made rookie mistakes. If I'd known then what I know now (that it's often best to simply walk away rather than fight for what you think you want) then I'd do it completely different. I suppose the only way you can learn these things through experience. The right move was so contrary to my thinking that I didn't even understand that I was screwing up left and right. I just wish I had my friend back and that I hadn't driven that part of our relationship away with my confusion and pain. I'd love to tell her that I've realized all my mistakes, that her dumping me was the best thing that could have happened and has taught me so much about myself and how to be a man rather than a boy, but I doubt she'd listen... And, if I really want to show this change, the best thing to do now IS walk away. It's hard. I'd love to have her back, if only as a friend, but... Not possible. It's a damn shame. I don't want forgiveness - I don't deserve it. She expected my understanding and I should have given it, but it's too late for that. I'm not beating myself up over this... I'm just recognizing my mistakes. Certainly, the future shall be different. Again, thank you all.
  8. Well, I preface this by saying that it's going to be long and quite self-involved. Mostly I'm looking for an objective response to what happened between me an my ex, one way or the other... I don't necessarily want to know who was right and who was wrong but rather gut reactions to what I'm saying. This will be the first time I've ever laid it all on the table for anyone to see, so it's a bit of therapy in that regard as well. Here goes. I'm sure anyone who gets through this mass will deserve a gold star. I meet my girl at a party at my house in early December of 2005. We hit it off right away as in within a half hour to an hour I'm kissing her and within two hours we're back together in my room. Things get hot and heavy, but we're both drunk and she quite wisely declines to actually have sex. We hang out, kiss and such, for the rest of the night and fall asleep in each other's arms. I drive her home in the morning and within a couple of days we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. She leaves in like a week to be with her family in Hong Kong for Christmas and we basically have a three week hiatus from one another to deal with that, her calling me maybe twice during that time. We get back together at the end of that and things pick up like they'd never left off. This continues for roughly seven and a half months, to June. This marks the first serious relationship I've ever hard. In between June and when she gets back from HK, we have a great time. I help her write a paper to study abroad (it's accepted), we hang out quite a bit (though time off from week to week for studying, she's a good student and I need space fromt time to time) but basically become partners in crime for all events and fun times for the whole of those months. Sex is great (as far as I know) and we have an amazing time together, from watching movies to going on double dates with the end of her basically living with me for a period of four months, including a trip we take together to New York City for a week of seeing the sights and enjoying our limited time together (no sex this whole trip, by the by). The 'limited' part is where the trouble starts... As far as I know everything I've said so far is accurate. To judge from my friends, it's mostly accurate because of what they've told me, first, about her reactions to me and, second, about their impressions of us together. Basically that we were two peas in a pod, that she'd never been so happy with a guy before, etc etc. Cut to June and I'm saying goodbye to her as she's leaving for Hong Kong, again, this time to study abroad for a year. I know it's going to be hard but I'm confident we can work it out. My reasons are that 1) she had a LDR before that lasted for a year (she ended it because he didn't communicate enough), 2) she told me again and again that was her other half, I taught her what real love is, etc etc 3) I knew sex wasn't that important to me and phone calls would be enough. She's in Hong Kong for a month and we talk often, twice a week basically, staying close. No problems. I discuss visiting her in Christmas and how I could do it but would need to take out a small loan in order to afford things (it'd be easy to pay off, I just can't get large lump sums due to bills and such). She turns me down saying she philosophically disagrees with loans. I'm a little hurt by this but resolve to get two jobs to work it out. Just before her birthday, she tells me that she plans to be apart from me for three years and not just the one. She doesn't want me around when she comes back because she wants to focus on school (and wants me to do the same in grad school), then plans to go to Germany for a year (because she's 'only lived in two countries'). I'm starting to feel a little nervous at this point and ask for time to think. She says okay, we'll talk in a week. I decide I'm okay, I love her enough to wait and tell her as much. She says she we have switched sides and she no longer wants the relationship. I'm hurt by this but we decide to be friends. Naturally, there are problems. I'm still really hurting over her dumping me, but she promises we'll get back together when it's time (3 years). I'm skeptical, wondering who can wait three years citing the fact that she's had over thrity boyfriends before me and that I don't just want to sit around getting play in the meantime. Whe we talk during this time I express how badly I'm hurting and that I want her back - she doesn't commit one way or the other, but admits frustration at talking in circles. We continue to talk but one day she starts ignoring my emails (wherein I profess my love and confidence that things will work out in the long run) and pushing back our normal talk times. I end up calling her late on her time scale and saying I don't want to be least important thing in her life, basically saying that if she keeps leaving people behind it's going to end up hurting her in the end. She doesn't take it very well. We make up a little bit but agree for some NC, her promising me that she'll call me on my birthday. When that time nears I tell her that I work on my birthday and to call me in the evening. She ends up calling me about five minutes before I leave for work and we don't talk. She had plans later in the day so we won't be able to talk then and I agree to put things off until later. She promises to call me on a Sunday but ends up calling me on a Saturday. The Saturday she calls I've been consuming a keg left over from my birthday party and am more or less snookered. We have a conversation of some sort, where in I am pretty sure I was hurtful, but have no real memory of. It ends with her telling me that she's seeing someone else (that only memory I have of this conversation) and then silence. I appologize the next day for what I said (despite having mostly no memory of it, except for negative feelings), but confess that I expected her to call the following day. She's still upset and says we'll discuss it later. Some times later, after a few IMs, she ends up sending me an email wherein she states that we shouldn't talk to each other any more and that our relationship had deteriorated quite badly. I'm very upset that she didn't call me and end up ringing her several times to demand an explanation. she says that it's over and that we could never date again in the future. She wishes me a good quarter and we hang up. I call her once more, immediately after, to say that I would have loved her forever and we leave it at that. I contact her occationally through IM off and on over the course of a few months and she respond at first, even contacting me from time to time, before (in december) ignoring a 'Merry Christmas' message and then more or less shutting me out completely. The other stuff I mention above happened in September, by the by. I stay resolute in contacting her in what I percieve to be a friendly manner. I'd post an example but I have deleted all those messages as of the end of December... One day my friend tells me that when he attempted to ask her how she and I stood she blew up at him and shut down their conversation. This signifies to me that it's over. In response to that, I take her off my facebook, myspace, delete all her pictures and more or less throw out all the stuff she's left me. Before I burn her number and the ability to contact her I give her one last call (on christmas day of all days, though in Hong Kong , which was insensitive on my part) and basically wish her a good life. She says, 'What do you expect me to say?" I respond, 'Nothing.' She bids me merry christmas, happy new year and basically hangs up though I was more or less hanging up at the same moment. Despite all this, I try and contact her once every two weeks in an attempt to maintain a friendship until sometime in late January. She does not respond. Finally, at the end of January, she responds but to the effect that she has her father send me an email more or less telling me to back off or find myself in trouble (they are both in another country at this time and I have not spoken to her in a number of months, in fact, I sort of assumed she'd been deleting my message unread). He's not an english speaker by birth so I'm not certain of his intent but I took it to be threatening. I respond by saying that he shouldn't have to fight her battles but I will respect his wishes and stay out of her life for good. I have done so for the past 30+ days. What went wrong here? What are the opinions of the peanut gallery? My feeling is that it was over long before I realized it or she had the courage to say it. On the other hand, we were so good together when we were ACTUALLY together and it seems insane that something so trivial as distance should result in me losing someone who was my dear friend as well as my lover. I look for any and all responses. Thank you for your time and I appreciate anyone who read through this all - I tried to be as thorough and unbiased as possible.
  9. Had a really low day yesterday, stemming from when I went to her facebook and saw a bunch of pictures of her having fun... Never doing that again. Starting the challenge over! Everytime I see anything about this girl it just makes me miserable. The less I see, the better for me. The good days come and go but they are NEVER here when I see her face. Day one of the NC challenge... Day 35 or so since last attempt at contact...
  10. Today has hit me hard for some reason... I just don't know why she hates the idea of talking to me so much. All I ever wanted to do was be friends, but I can't even talk to her about her life, anymore... Not even to chat. It's so painful that I hardly know what to think about it. I just want to be able to shake her hand, basically - bury the hatchet. Why does she insist on it ending on a sour note? Why can't we at least chat, like we used to, about the BS of life in general? WHY IS MY BEST FRIEND DEAD? Damn it all. Day 3... Second thrity days of no contact are hard, for some reason!
  11. Another dream about her... So weird, I hadn't dreamt about her in so long! Anyway. Dreamt she was a film maker, bizarrely - we were filming some sort of crazy desert with a volcano underneath taht kept pulsing out lava. I was some sort of writer or something. We didn't talk the whole time, just worked on filming and living in a crazy environment. We spoke once and it was very cordial. So weird... There's day 2!
  12. Had a dream about seeing her in an airport tonight... Bumped into her and basically knocked her to the ground, is how it went... Then we go home, me feeling nervouse all the while, and my mouth is incredibly decayed by tartar and what not... Almost bloody... I wake up feeling a little sad. 31 days...
  13. I have my own website for venting, but I accept your challenge SuperDAve... I haven't attempted to contact my ex in thirty days, but I've been to her myspace and facebook fairly often in that time... This marks the end of that... I've already cleared her stuff out, thrown out all the pictures, deleted her number and email, etc etc... This is the final lap. When I post, at the end of this, I'll be preparing for a trip to England and a newer, happier life... Looking forward to the successful conclusion, LBP
  14. I must be honest, I find your actions a little horrifiyng and quite fascinating. I was somewhat recently dumped by my girl. She didn't at first do this, but after a time of me feeling depressed she finally cut me loose from contact (without much warning) and when I kept trying to be friends she eventually had her dad send me a threatening email. I never did anything other than try and be friends... I only ever got mad at her twice, once when she ignored me without saying why for a week or so and then another time when I was incredibly drunk (I don't really remember this incident) after she forgot to call me on my bday after promising to (her call came several days later, when I didn't expect it)... I never raged incoherently, though I did tell her honestly that I was feeling miserable when she asked. Mostly I'm wondering why you did what you did and why you seem so determinedly distanct about it all. Mostly I'm looking for insight, because I could never understand willfully hurting someone that I loved - the saying 'I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt you' and then hurting someone strikes me as contradictory. The question is an open one to whomever reads it. Why the NC, why the self-superiority and confidence in the fact that your choice is the best one, bar none? Why the refusal to take responsibility for your actions or make an effort to work through your troubles? I'm not doubting that you've done right... I'm simply curious.
×
×
  • Create New...