Should I tell my daughter about the porn?

[Mythical_Suicide]

My ex used to do the same thing--with his parents and his friends. I wasn't safe from judgement at all, and in the end, no one liked me.

 

and things like that really take a toll on ANY relationship. Especially ones like this where the father already dislikes the son in law.

[ocman]

However if she isn't having sex with him, it is just as much her problem as it is his.

That's not the case, I think he feels inadequate at times because he can't hang with her law friends.

[JadedStar]

That's not the case, I think he feels inadequate at times because he can't hang with her law friends.

 

Then start by helping them not trying to hang him.

Why can't he hang with her law friends?

 

See there is more to this story than anyone knows. I do not feel daughter is real innocent here and is likely causing some of her own problems. If you want to help, start by giving her better counsel on how to handle this stuff. Don't teach her that ratting people out and acting like a child throwing a tantrum is the right way to handle life.

[ocman]

and things like that really take a toll on ANY relationship. Especially ones like this where the father already dislikes the son in law.

I never said I disliked him.

[bulletproof]

Don't tell, and stay out of it. She should never have told any parents about any problems. You are already too involved. The fact that you think she could have done better is coloring your decision, even if you don't realize it.

[Mythical_Suicide]

That's not the case, I think he feels inadequate at times because he can't hang with her law friends.

 

Oh and now you are making excuses for your daughter. How do you know how he feels?

 

I doubt it has anything to do with him not being able to "hang". You are only wanting to do this to cause problems between them. Truth is really starting to come out.

 

just stay out of their marriage.

[hers]

Either way that would indicate a problem, don't you think?

 

If it is a problem, it's not yours to fix.

[ocman]

Then start by helping them not trying to hang him.

I haven't done a damn thing yet, that is why I'm asking for advice.

[ocman]

Oh and now you are making excuses for your daughter. How do you know how he feels?

That is what she told me.

[hers]

That's not the case, I think he feels inadequate at times because he can't hang with her law friends.

 

You are letting on that you know WAY too much about your daughter and her marriage. You may be just assuming this, and you have no idea if it's true, nor should you. If he does feel inadequate, let him communicate that to her. They married each other, not you.

 

EDIT after I read that the daughter told him this--

she is revealing too much about her marriage and the respect for her husband just doesn't seem to be there. Respect them both by staying out of it, and if she tells you anything else, tell her you want to stay out of it.

[Seraphim]

Ask yourself if you want the same thing for YOUR relationship??

[Mythical_Suicide]

That is what she told me.

 

That is what she THINKS. It isn't your place. Your daughter needs to learn boundaries to keep you and others out of her marriage. She is asking for a failed marriage if she keeps telling you everything.

[JadedStar]

Seriously tho, maybe you can be a better help by listening to your daughter and not being so keen to hang the son in law. I honestly have been thru this. As much as my son in law has made me want to wrap my heads around his neck and squeeze REALLY hard i also am pragmatic enough to really LISTEN and have also listened to HIM after an argument. Sometimes my daughter gets unreasonable. He gets frustrated. Sometimes HE is unreasonable. They fight. I cannot always take her side on things as tempting as that might be since she is my child.

 

I strongly suggest taking a more helpful role of counsel here with your daughter and her marriage vs a vengeful one. If you love her, and i know you do, try to help their marriage. Maybe you can even give the son in law some helpful advice. he might feel awfully isolated what with daughter running off the mouth to his parents about embarrassing issues, and you spying on his activities. He can't hang with her friends. maybe this guy needs an ear too ya know.

 

He is your son in law, like it or not. he is now a part of your family. I learned to deal with this myself. If my daughter chooses him as her mate, i will guide her when i can and it is in my best interest to GUIDE HIM when i can too too try to help him be a better husband as well. And you don't do that by meddling. You do it by only giving advice when it is ASKED FOR> And try to make the advice helpful, not hurtful. To either of them.

 

there is something to be learned here on handling your daughter and her husband. Hopefully you will take away some good tips on these many posts by the folks here who took the time to respond.

[denise_14]

Whew! Everyone's got a point... hmm. have you thought of talking with your son-in-law, not in a confrontational why are you still veiwing porn and being dishonest with my daughter manner, rather, gentleman to gentleman? sit down and have a few drinks. as the conversation progresses and you have been more at ease, gently bring up the topic. expect him to be upset at first, but if he's got respect for the father of his wife, he would understand. tell him that you wouldn't want to meddle with their affairs so you expect him to be the one to admit it to your daughter. if you get him to agree, then it's a gentlemen's agreement. i am quite worried if your daughter finds out for herself and asks you if you knew all along. would she get mad because you didn't tell her? well, at the end of the day, it's still you who gets to decide. you've heard a bunch of opinions here, weigh the pros and cons, and tailorfit the advices for your situation. good luck!

[Seraphim]

Awesome Jaded!

[SomeRandomHero]

omg why is porn such an issue seriously?

every gf ive had gets pissed but they love when we watch it together * * * .... lame its not fantasy its just a means i dont what how to say it but its not the fact that we want to sleep with the girl usually im more sexual when im with a girl and i still wouldnt cheat on them if porn is cheating then im guilty. funny how my ex left me and her bf now used to be my friend i remember him telling me how he banged girls from the strip club wonder what she would think about that one consider she got mad when we broke up and she found out i went to the strip club single!!! and she was sleeping around * * * get over it

[Bad Wolf]

My ex just laughed at me when she found out I had looked at porn... She didnt care, it's not like I'm haveing sex with them GET OVER IT!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>When I woke up a few weekends ago and he wasn't here I asked her where he was. She said he went to his parents house because they got into a big fight about the porn.

 

So she already knows about the porn. There is no need to do anything. Let them work it out on their own.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hear you, but she offered the information and in fact she got so pissed that she called his parents because this was the second time that she'd caught him and she was absolutely livid.

 

 

She called his parents to tell them that he is viewing porn!!! My goodness, as far as I am concerned, HE should be the one livid at her! What kind of grown, married woman tattle tales to her husband's parents about his masturbation habits!! I think it is horrifying that both sets of parents are involved. This is a matter between the two of them, it is a private matter.

[DuffyBalloon]

I agree with letting them work it out for themselves, but that doesn't mean you can't help them achieve that. If she wants to know whether or not her husband is conducting such things then give her the tools to find out for herself and let her decide. I personally think if she has to go to that level then it is indicative of lacking sufficient trust for a relationship and they're in trouble anyway, but that's none of my business.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She doesn't need to spy on him about porn, because he openly admits he is doing it, and intends to keep doing it, to the point he thinks they may not even be compatible anymore (usually a preamble to asking for a divorce).

 

Just because you can spy on someone, doesn't mean you can control them. And spying can be demeaning, other than if there is a need to find something out (once) to determine the problem, then it is time to do something about the problem, not continue to make him feel like a child by spying on him repeatedly and having all the parents hover over him about porn.

 

I think the parents should butt out at this point, and i suspect the husband will shortly be asking for a divorce after this incident based on what he said anyway.

[DuffyBalloon]

My apologies, I must have missed the part where he said the husband had confessed.

[Maya_A]

I think it was a private matter between the two of them in the first place and your daughter probably should not have initially shared this info. with you. If my partner told my parent/s things about me sexually I would be reeeeally upset. It's not about having anything to hide, it is just very, very private & certainly of all people, nothing for my parents to know about. Being that your daughter already told you about it, I'd still stay out of it.

 

Maybe not, but she also may already know he has been still viewing it... At any rate you can always just unplug your other daughter's computer (you say she no longer lives there) & place it in storage, or if you use it put a password on it, all without saying a word to the husband or your daughter.