Should I tell my daughter about the porn?

[Syntax1985]

have u not thought about confronting him about it?

[JadedStar]

You have to be careful with a forum like this. Many people on this forum really have no regard for things that you might consider wrong...so they won't relate to the idea of porn even being wrong in the first place. YOu have to decide for yourself...you know your daughter best.

 

Its also true that marriage is personal...but then again, it isn't...it depends on the culture you came from. In my family, my marriage would be more personal, but not always the case in many cultures, especially where the parents live with their married children.

 

 

I don't think you should speak for others. You have no idea what reasons are as to why people post. They are here to help, if you don't like what they say it is irrrelevant.

 

Not everyone who creates threads wants to hear from a bunch of yes men. or women. (altho it is clear SOME only want to be agreed with or they get upset) Most want honest opinions. They can do with the info what they want.

[Mythical_Suicide]

You have to be careful with a forum like this. Many people on this forum really have no regard for things that you might consider wrong...so they won't relate to the idea of porn even being wrong in the first place. YOu have to decide for yourself...you know your daughter best.

 

Its also true that marriage is personal...but then again, it isn't...it depends on the culture you came from. In my family, my marriage would be more personal, but not always the case in many cultures, especially where the parents live with their married children.

 

 

I don't like porn, i'm not all for it. So it has nothing to do with porn being right or wrong. However, what is wrong is a dad trying to get into his daughter's marriage. I know i'd be extremely livid if my father came at me with these types of things against my fiance. So what you are saying is completely irrelevant.

 

People come here asking for advice, they will get the advice based on that one person's views who are you or anyone else to say whether they should listen to it or not.

 

Not trying to attack you just point out, a person comes on here they are going to get all different spectrums of advice because this board has many different people from all walks of life that have different views. That's the great thing about it.

[Seraphim]

Meddling in one thing leads to a habit of meddling and fixing what is not yours to fix.

[Diablo7000]

come up with some BS story like you put the tracking device on her sisters desktop a long time ago and checked it recently and found someones been viewing it and let her see for herself then she can question him and all you did was show her that sumones been viewing it, and it is YOUR house YOU have a right to say what can and can't be allowed in it... not to be rude but obviously he doesn't seek his wife for pleasure but rather watching some other girl on a site get her brains screwed out.... I think you should tell her, regardless of everyones opinion, you love your daughter don't you? you want the best for her? if he lies about not looking at it, who's to say he won't lie about NOT cheating on her sumwhere down the road.. do what you like.. theres my input...

[ocman]

have u not thought about confronting him about it?

Yes, I have, but not sure if that would just mask the problem until they move out, they're moving out in January.

[Sarati]

Maybe you could stage it...like pretend to be on the phone with a good friend, and let your daughter "accidentally" hear you say, "Wow, someone has been viewing porn on _____'s old computer, I don't know why or who would do that...I wonder if it is my son in law....should I tell my daughter? I'm so torn...." I know that might sound like an odd method, but what do you guys think of that?

[Seraphim]

Do you trust how you raised her and her judgement?

[Mythical_Suicide]

Maybe you could stage it...like pretend to be on the phone with a good friend, and let your daughter "accidentally" hear you say, "Wow, someone has been viewing porn on _____'s old computer, I don't know why or who would do that...I wonder if it is my son in law....should I tell my daughter? I'm so torn...." I know that might sound like an odd method, but what do you guys think of that?

 

 

Um yeah, I wouldn't do this. If you are going to tell her, tell her. Don't play games with it.

[JadedStar]

Um yeah, I wouldn't do this. If you are going to tell her, tell her. Don't play games with it.

 

I agree. That would be downright dishonest. Not real smart to combat dishonesty with more dishonesty.

[ocman]

Do you trust how you raised her and her judgement?

Yes, that is why I know she would want to know because he's lying to her all the time about it.

[arwen]

I'd stay out. It's their marriage, their life. Which make me wonder why they live with you? Of course you don't have to answer that. But the situation would make a two against one situation, but with two options:

 

- she could be angry at you for giving information that you found out snooping through her pc and mingling in their business;

- she could be angry at her husband, while making you part of the argument

 

I do think she has a right to know, but that you're the last person she would want to be the one to tell her. I know this puts you in an impossible position but I think the fact that they are grownups in their own marriage, should be more important than your wish to protect your daughter against something that you can't be 100% sure of.

 

Just to get a better picture, how is your relationship with your son-in-law? Are you pleased with him? Do you get along generally?

[ocman]

come up with some BS story like you put the tracking device on her sisters desktop a long time ago

I put the software on their because her younger brother was getting into alot of trouble when he was in high school.

[JadedStar]

The fact that you have tracking software on her sister's computer suggests that you might have been meddling in more than one daughter's life.

 

I'd stay out of it. Let her handle her marriage.

[Seraphim]

Yes, that is why I know she would want to know because he's lying to her all the time about it.

 

If you trust her then let HER deal with this. As a parent it is our job to produce independent people. If you did that job and you are happy with it, then let her be that independent person.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I put the software on their because her younger brother was getting into alot of trouble when he was in high school.

 

 

and you just so happen to still keep tabs on it?

[Samedy]

I find it more disturbing you have tracking software on your daughters computer to be honest. I would be more mad about that, the whole privacy issues, and the compromising the security of the computer.

[JadedStar]

If they didn't live with you, you would not know this anyway. It is natural to want to protect your child but this is an issue for a man and woman who are married to deal with.

[Mythical_Suicide]

The fact that you have tracking software on her sister's computer suggests that you might have been meddling in more than one daughter's life.

 

I'd stay out of it. Let her handle her marriage.

 

Yep, What I was thinking exactly.

 

Seems maybe you like to be in control of what goes on in your kids lives?

[ocman]

I'd stay out. It's their marriage, their life. Which make me wonder why they live with you?

They just moved back to California, she is in her 3rd year in law school, they moved in for one semester.

 

Just to get a better picture, how is your relationship with your son-in-law? Are you pleased with him? Do you get along generally?

Yes, but I think she could've done better.

[Mythical_Suicide]

but I think she could've done better.

 

So my question is

Since you have now said this, Do you think you are doing this because you are "Looking out" for your daughter or because you want her to have a reason to find someone "better"?

[ocman]

I find it more disturbing you have tracking software on your daughters computer to be honest. I would be more mad about that, the whole privacy issues, and the compromising the security of the computer.

This is her younger sisters computer (she moved out months ago) and I put the software on there for their younger brother who was getting into trouble in high school.

[JadedStar]

and you just so happen to still keep tabs on it?

 

I agree and that is what makes me think that ocman might be too interested in meddling in his kid's affairs. If it were a son awhlie back in highschool i can't understand why the tracking software is still actively checked.

 

These types of things - digging into people's private affairs - rarely work out for any good. Your duaghter will likely be upset about how you found this out. She might even wonder if you have been snooping in her private things as well.

 

If i were your daughter and had this issue presetned to me, i'd wonder if dad was not also snooping in my private things. The issue will likely backfire on you.

 

When adult children live with you, yes, i think that they should abide by house rules, but they should STILL have some modicum of privacy.

 

I am not sure if your motives are entirely driven by altruism or perhaps you don't like the guy and want to see him burn a bit.

[Seraphim]

Meddling becomes a nasty ugly habit, and it makes for A LOT of bitterness.

[Mythical_Suicide]

This is her younger sisters computer (she moved out months ago) and I put the software on there for their younger brother who was getting into trouble in high school.

 

What kind of trouble is he getting in IN SCHOOL that he needs tracking software put on the computer?

 

And why are you still keeping tabs on it?