Should I tell my daughter about the porn?

[hers]

The fact that she tells you her marriage problems and called HIS parents to tell them what is going on in her marriage is alarming to me. Marital problems, especially sexual, shouldnt be discussed with parents, in my opinion. The way you phrased it about her calling his parents looks as though she was calling tehm just to rat him out--in that case, it doesn't seem like she's very respectful of her husband at all.

 

Regardless, it's her marriage. Do not get involved. If she comes to you with information about her marriage and their sexual issues, tell her you don't want to be involved, unless she really truly needs advice and doesn't come to you just to complain.

[Snoopy24]

I think you should tell her.

 

It's not about the porn, but her husband being dishonest.

 

If anyone was lying to me, regardless of who it was, If someone I was close to knew about it, I would expect them to tell me.

[Seraphim]

The fact that she tells you her marriage problems and called HIS parents to tell them what is going on in her marriage is alarming to me. Marital problems, especially sexual, shouldnt be discussed with parents, in my opinion. The way you phrased it about her calling his parents looks as though she was calling tehm just to rat him out--in that case, it doesn't seem like she's very respectful of her husband at all.

 

Regardless, it's her marriage. Do not get involved. If she comes to you with information about her marriage and their sexual issues, tell her you don't want to be involved, unless she really truly needs advice and doesn't come to you just to complain.

 

Very good post!! Seems to me that no one knows their boundries in this relationship.

[ocman]

What kind of trouble is he getting in IN SCHOOL that he needs tracking software put on the computer?

 

And why are you still keeping tabs on it?

He was getting into drugs and gangs.

 

After she brought up the issue I decided to check it.

[Sarati]

I agree. That would be downright dishonest. Not real smart to combat dishonesty with more dishonesty.

 

Well....please don't think that I am advocating for dishonesty, I'm not...I was thinking of it as a passive or indirect way...but I know it's not a good method. Just so we're all clear, again, I do not support dishonesty at all. I can see why the parent is torn. It appears, too, that the parents in this situation seem to be involved with this marriage, since the daughter spoke to her in-laws about her disapproval of her husband's viewing porn. However, having been married and having my husband (who also liked porn and lied about it) run to mama everytime there was a fight between us...their relationship ultimately was the foundation of our divorce. This is a very, very difficult call. I wonder if you could just somehow make it known that house rules dictate NO PORN under my roof....I don't know. I feel for the father, in a very difficult position.

[Syntax1985]

can i just drag this out of "dream world" for a sec?

 

let face it, hes "in the wrong" hes lying to ur daughter, and looking at porn. why? because he comes home late, hes a bit horny, and doesn't want to wake her up, he doesn't tell her because he knows shes so against it, like hes the first person ever to lie about something to make someone else happy.... its wrong but its not THAT BAD.

 

If i was in your shoes, id be happy he was coming back and looking porn, rather then staying out even later possibly doing other things instead for relief. he may of lied about this stuff but at least his loyal.

 

You should give him a break, he a is a man, just like yourself, hes not hurting anyone, and hes making your daughter happy, i dont see why this is such a huge issue?

[Seraphim]

If I was HIM I would have something to say to her about being embarrasing. Believe me embarrassing someone to THEIR parents will not ingraciate you.

[JadedStar]

I didin't think you did support dishonesty, i knew you were trying to think of a way to help. but at the end of the day it would support dishonesty tho.

 

You are so right abuot the running to a parent with marital issues and then the parent interfering. It really does not help. It breeds bitterness. Dad might chalk up one "win" in his mind but in the long run its a loss. Whenever my kids come to me wtih relatioship problems, even tho i have to sometimes scream inside and hit a pillow i stay out of it. I advise them as best as I can but let THEM make the decisions.

 

And trust me i have dealt with this A LOT. My daughter leans on me as her confidente and it is a tricky situation sometimes because my mother mentality wants to barge in and say what the hell is up doing such and such to my daughter...BUT i cannot do that. I cannot breach her confidence to me, and SHE chooses to be with him. I can advise her on how i think she should work it out, but it is HER decision to act on it.

[hers]

I agree with this. Hence why I've never understood an issue with porn in relationships. At least they arent out there risking STDs just to get some on the side yet they still get their jimmies off.

[CharlesF]

I think they are headed for a divorce.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I also agree. While I don't like porn i'd much rather my fiance look at porn and get himself off rather than out on the streets with a prostitute.

[ocman]

When I woke up a few weekends ago and he wasn't here I asked her where he was. She said he went to his parents house because they got into a big fight about the porn.

 

HIS dad called her and she told him why they got into a big fight.

[yumicecream]

Upon hearing that, I think I do agree with above posters about not telling her. This is my reasoning: if she chose not to follow your advice about her husband in the past, what good would your imput do now that she's married? Do you really want a daughter whose been divorced? You have to support her even if you don't like him b/c this is the choice that she has made...unless he's abusing her, there isn't much you can do ...I'm really sorry about the situation because I know you love her but you're not in that role anymore.

 

She and her husband need to work out their issues on their own. Its cowardly to involve the parents to the degree she's involved them...so a lot of it is her fault since she's not really respecting her husband...and he's DEFINETLY not respecting her.

 

Lying about porn is definetly wrong so I can still see the other reasoning...so if you have to tell her, try to find a tactful time.

[ocman]

While I don't like porn i'd much rather my fiance look at porn and get himself off rather than out on the streets with a prostitute.

Either way that would indicate a problem, don't you think?

[JadedStar]

To be honest such a scenario might be the case, and let's chalk this up to yet another reason to stay the heck out of it.

 

I am not going to assume anything but we don't know the dynamics of their relationship. And dad SURELY should not know if daughter might not be into sex and the guy is maybe frustrated, and doing this as a release.

 

We just don't know WHY he does it or what their relatinoship is like.

 

This is such an ugly dilemma to even consider. Stay the heck out of it.

[Seraphim]

Everyone needs to learn their boundries. She can not run to mommy and daddy on BOTH sides. That is just rude and disloyal. They may ask but it all comes down to it, that is THEIR son and she will come out wearing the egg on her face. They need to keep their marriage between THEM, it is not a kids fight that needs referees.

[Mythical_Suicide]

When I woke up a few weekends ago and he wasn't here I asked her where he was. She said he went to his parents house because they got into a big fight about the porn.

 

HIS dad called her and she told him why they got into a big fight.

 

Maybe your daughter needs to learn to start keeping their problems between the two of them and not involving everyone else, especially the parents because that can easily cause parents to dislike the son/daughter-in-law's and cause more problems. Been there , done that. My ex would run to his mom ANYTIME we had a fight no matter how big or how small and told her everything (But managed to leave out what he did in the process oh his forgetful mind so in turn she hated me and it caused nothing but problems. Big reason the relationship didn't work out.

[Syntax1985]

The best way to help someone out of a burning building is to be at the bottom with a safety net for when they fall.

 

if you go inside your both doomed.

[Bad Wolf]

Who cares it's just porn,there's no need to tell anyone especially since it's none if your business.

[hers]

When I woke up a few weekends ago and he wasn't here I asked her where he was. She said he went to his parents house because they got into a big fight about the porn.

 

HIS dad called her and she told him why they got into a big fight.

 

Regardless, it wasn't her place to tell them. It's embarrassing for all parties. She was not obligated to tell his parents why they fought, even if his father called her.

 

There's a huge lack of boundaries all around--her, him, his parents, and you. Stay out of it. Set the example and let them work it out themselves.

[JadedStar]

Even if i knew my daughter hated porn - and thank GOd i do not know if she does or not, it is NOT my business, but if i did know that and knew her husband looked at it sometimes, no way in hell am i getting in the middle of this. Because i as a person do not think it is the end of the world, instead of meddling i'd be talking to my daughter and asking her why she thinks he might be looking at it, and if there are other things she might want to choose as battles.

 

That is how i would handle this. I'd be talking to my daughter about her mindset and try to help her, not go ratting out her husband.

[ocman]

The best way to help someone out of a burning building is to be at the bottom with a safety net for when they fall.

 

if you go inside your both doomed.

 

I like that!

[Mythical_Suicide]

Either way that would indicate a problem, don't you think?

 

Yea it probably would be a problem. However if she isn't having sex with him, it is just as much her problem as it is his. So he is looking at porn? Maybe they both need to communicate more or whatever the case may be. Atleast he isn't running to a prostitute or some other female.

 

You may only know your daughter's side of this. It isn't fair to run and rat out your son in law.

[hers]

Maybe your daughter needs to learn to start keeping their problems between the two of them and not involving everyone else, especially the parents because that can easily cause parents to dislike the son/daughter-in-law's and cause more problems. Been there , done that. My ex would run to his mom ANYTIME we had a fight no matter how big or how small and told her everything (But managed to leave out what he did in the process oh his forgetful mind so in turn she hated me and it caused nothing but problems. Big reason the relationship didn't work out.

 

My ex used to do the same thing--with his parents and his friends. I wasn't safe from judgement at all, and in the end, no one liked me.

[JadedStar]

Regardless, it wasn't her place to tell them. It's embarrassing for all parties. She was not obligated to tell his parents why they fought, even if his father called her.

 

There's a huge lack of boundaries all around--her, him, his parents, and you. Stay out of it. Set the example and let them work it out themselves.

 

Yea, i would be horribly embarrassed to tell my SO's parents business like this.

 

Maybe you should stop meddling and teaching your daughter to do also do this sort of thing> I think you are setting a bad example. Maybe she went running to his parents because you taught her how to meddle.

 

Be a role model dad, not a petty catalyst for trouble.