Why is sex everything???

[greywolf]

one week? then i bet it is not love but just strong infatuation.

 

and if the OP can fall in love in 1 week then good for that guy... now he can have sex with her.

 

Once again I am amazed about the bitterness you have towards women.

[Daegas]

Wha? A week? Jeez, I couldn't love a girl if you gave me a decade. Don't see how one human can be THAT valuable.

She is the kinda naive girl that falls in love easily, at a point in here life where it was easy to fall in love, who started to date a guy whom it is easy to fall in love with (for one thing he is skilled at manipulative seducing and has no morals holding him back).

 

one week? then i bet it is not love but just strong infatuation.

 

and if the OP can fall in love in 1 week then good for that guy... now he can have sex with her.

If you start a thread about infatuation vs in-love cs real-love we can discuss it. You can call it infatuation, I did because I think most people would call it that, but my views on these concepts are complex. Regardless, she was a fool, committed to something she shouldn't be so soon.

[grymoire]

Once again I am amazed about the bitterness you have towards women.

 

whoa... that was supposed to be a joke... may be i should have put a smiley there...

 

i don't understand how you are tying that bitterness towards women... care to explain?

[ghost69]

physical is as necessary as the mental. gotta have both.

[Daegas]

Why is an instant spark everything?

Why is an instant connection everything?

Why is an instant attraction everything?

 

The same reason that instant sex is everything. It's a choice made by people.

 

What did you learn? Hopefully that instant something isn't everything. Then maybe he will eventually learn that instant sex isn't everything.

 

You simply weren't on the "serious relationship" list but on the "fun" list of the guy, and he wasn't in the mood to put all that effort into you.

 

I don't get it

 

It's hard for me to explain, but I also sensed bitterness when I read that.

[grymoire]

It's hard for me to explain, but I also sensed bitterness when I read that.

 

just explain.... i really want to know..........

[ghost69]

Why is an instant spark everything?

Why is an instant connection everything?

Why is an instant attraction everything?

 

The same reason that instant sex is everything. It's a choice made by people.

 

What did you learn? Hopefully that instant something isn't everything. Then maybe he will eventually learn that instant sex isn't everything.

 

You simply weren't on the "serious relationship" list but on the "fun" list of the guy, and he wasn't in the mood to put all that effort into you.

 

I don't get it

 

It's hard for me to explain, but I also sensed bitterness when I read that.

 

you don't understand how horrible sex could make or break a relationship? sex is a physical act. if it's not there, the mental is alone. you must have both. i don't care who you are.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

you don't understand how horrible sex could make or break a relationship? sex is a physical act. if it's not there, the mental is alone. you must have both. i don't care who you are.

 

I don't think the poster was talking about the importance of sex in a committed relationship...of course sex is important. What the poster was referring to was INSTANT sex...INSTANT physical gratification...not sex between two people who have developed an emotional,mental bond...of course it is important for the sexual aspect to be fulfilling. She is talking about sex between virtual strangers...sex between people who have only gone on a few dates and barely know each other...like instant oatmeal..ready in 2 minutes.

[madmarten]

Back to op's question "why is sex everything?" It is a basic human drive for human beings especially men. I don't think some women understand how high the average male drive is. This includes nice guys, bad boys, nerds, jocks, players and guys looking for relationships, and everything in between. Some of guys have developed a little more tact and nuance than others, but believe me, we're all thinking about it.

 

The OP, I don't recommend that you compromise your principles, if you don't want too, but think about what you say and when you say it.

[Daegas]

just explain.... i really want to know..........

I feel silly posting this.... Being a guy I also have an excuse: I lack sleep (10 hours total in the past 4 days).

 

It is due the word-patterns that emerge in the posts: she waits for sex until falling in love, falling in love takes a long time, I don't wait so long for sex, hate culture which stimulates sexual desires but tells to hold out, if she falls fast then good because he can have sex with her.

 

My brain just mixes this up into you objectifying women, and being bitter.

[Daegas]

you don't understand how horrible sex could make or break a relationship? sex is a physical act. if it's not there, the mental is alone. you must have both. i don't care who you are.

I didn't understand what you were saying. I totally agree! Good sex is very important for a good relationship. During sex & especially orgasms the brain releases dopamine, which is the same chemical that is released when you are in passionate love. It can cause you to feel the passion for your lover again (or fall in love, or fall in love all over again). It also increases oxytocin levels which increase the feeling of attachment you feel towards your lover.

 

That said I do know a young women that had a BF for more than 4 years without having sex at all because she wasn't sure he was right for her.

[teknoise]

I'm all for waiting longer, and I generally agree with your statement, but I think using the term "higher standards" instead of "different standards" here is a little judgmental.

 

No kidding. All this talk of higher standards, and the guy being a slug or a player basically sums it up why most guys would run away from this type of situation.

 

I hate to say it, but that sort of convo (regarding the sex convo on the 3rd date), and the way the whole situation played out, I too would get the feeling the girl was very uptight and a prude and just not the free and open but mature type of woman I'd be interested in.

 

I'm not casting judgement on sunflowergirl at all, but from the guys perspective, given how so many women are very cold to guys interested in sex (as shown in this thread), its no wonder he got cold feet.

 

Some of us like testing the waters before jumping in. Some of us don't. But to make judgement calls of other people's lifestyles is the exact reason why good men will run if they think they are seeing a prude (Again not judging the OP, but just showing how a potential date may view the situation).

[grymoire]

I feel silly posting this.... Being a guy I also have an excuse: I lack sleep (10 hours total in the past 4 days).

 

It is due the word-patterns that emerge in the posts: she waits for sex until falling in love, falling in love takes a long time, I don't wait so long for sex, hate culture which stimulates sexual desires but tells to hold out, if she falls fast then good because he can have sex with her.

 

My brain just mixes this up into you objectifying women, and being bitter.

 

you can go ahead and think whatever you want..... if you selectively want to hear what you want to hear and come to conclusions that you want to come to then it is your own problem... i clearly told i was joking when i said if the OP falls in love in 1 week it is good for the guy... now should i apologize for that comment? no way... think whatever you want to think... in another post right here i have mentioned that i do not have a problem waiting for sex for 2 or 3 months... that didn't catch your eye right??

 

and yes i have the right to hate my culture that i feel sexually represses people... it is my culture and it is my opinion... i am not here to placate people....... you go ahead and think whatever you want.... even i don't care who you are...

[grymoire]

Excellent post...

 

People come down heavily on the guy that expects sex.... it is so clear from posts talking about judgements and body parts.... honestly, does that guy deserve that much hostility???

 

And everybody seems to "miss" the OP's point. She said she will have sex when she is in love. That is so very different from saying that she will not have instant sex... **geez**

[Daegas]

you can go ahead and think whatever you want..... if you selectively want to hear what you want to hear and come to conclusions that you want to come to then it is your own problem... i clearly told i was joking when i said if the OP falls in love in 1 week it is good for the guy... now should i apologize for that comment? no way... think whatever you want to think... in another post right here i have mentioned that i do not have a problem waiting for sex for 2 or 3 months... that didn't catch your eye right??

 

and yes i have the right to hate my culture that i feel sexually represses people... it is my culture and it is my opinion... i am not here to placate people....... you go ahead and think whatever you want.... even i don't care who you are...

Hey man, chill out! Let's have a coffee together

 

I said I SENSED bitterness, which doesn't mean that is what I think. You asked me to explain, so I explain how my sensing process works.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I say good for the OP in waiting to be in love before sex. Too many women out there having sex instant oatmeal style. Disgusting.

 

I see a lot of hypcroisy from my male brethern on this topic. Most of you guys wouldn't want a s**t, right? But here you go criticizing a lady who is doing the right thing by waiting.

 

Think about it, if a woman wants to have sex with you soon like say within 1 month, you think you're so special she hasn't done the same with many other men?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Whose making judgements now...someone who doesn't want to have sex with a virtual stranger is called a prude!! See you make judgements too...your judgements are just opposite of mine...but they are still passing judgements! So if you want to condemn my judgements, take a good long look at how judgemental YOU are about women who are more careful about who they choose to have sex with and when. Also...free and open...plenty of "prudes" are free and open about so many things...they just have boundaries when it comes to sex in that their legs are not "open" and it is not a "free" for all for their genitals.

 

From what I have observed on this forum, plenty of people get bent out of shape and call someone judgemental when they speak their mind about casual sex and sex before committed relationships...and yet they themselves pass very negative judgements on people who choose to wait..calling them uptight, prudish, something must be wrong with them, not mature, etc etc.

[Lamprey]

A lot of folks missing the point here. Think of it this way:

 

Most college-age guys are not settling down. So they'll date girls, but they don't expect to fall in love with every girl they go out with (I've dated maybe 5, was in love with 1).

 

Girl tells college-age guy, "no sex without love". Guy hears, "no sex" because to him, odds are good you two won't be falling in love, having babies and marrying. So at best, it's "no sex for a few months" and at worst "no sex, ever and then we break up".

 

College guy thinks, there are tons of single girls around who are less uptight about sex and will have it because they enjoy it, not because they need a deep emotional connection first. Why am I wasting time with this one?

 

Guy is nice & finishes off the date, then considers himself single. Girl is left thinking all guys want it sex while the truth is that guys just don't like hearing statements this final on a 3rd date.

[Honey Pumpkin]

There's nothing right or wrong about this. It's how someone feels. To be honest, I don't think I'm going to sleep with someone again until I'm in love with them. I don't care if that's good/bad/indifferent. I've had flings in the past, and they were good. But at this stage in my life, I'm not really into casual relationships. Maybe that will change but for now...nah.

 

I think sharing that information is probably a wee bit premature on the third date. But there you go. I don't see what the problem is though in terms of timing - I would probably know in a couple of months whether I was going to fall in love or not, so problem solved...someone not prepared to wait that long is not the person for me.

 

Hmmm.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Guy is nice & finishes off the date, then considers himself single. Girl is left thinking all guys want it sex while the truth is that guys just don't like hearing statements this final on a 3rd date.

 

Yeah, they don't like it b/c it's not what they want to hear. It's what I would want to hear though

 

It's good for her to mention it that early, she'll weed out the guys that will be incompatible with her beliefs.

[Dating Coach]

WHY DOES INSTANT SEX HAVE TO BE EVERYTHING??? Geez, can't people just get to know one another first??? Is that too much to ask?

 

Yeesh, jumping to conclusions aren't we? Did he say that he couldn't get to know you first? Perhaps he doesn't believe in waiting until you're in love before enjoying sex with someone? That's not a bad thing, it's just a personal preference. He didn't handle the situation immaturely or anything. He's not blowing up and ranting. He didn't demand you sleep with him... in fact he didn't bring you and him up at all!

 

You're going to need to accept that you're in the minority here. Most people (at least in this culture) do not wait until they are "In Love" before intercourse. It's noble that you choose to wait but it doesn't make you better than anyone else. It's just your preference.

 

We don't even know that this was the issue anyway. Maybe he realized that your personalities didn't mesh, or maybe he got a bad vibe over something else. Who knows. Dating is about finding out whether or not you are compatible with someone. No one on either side owes the other person anything. IF he doesn't believe in devoting months together falling in love before having sex then he did the right thing by backing off when your personal values are that different from your own.

[grymoire]

To each his/her own......

 

There is a difference between saying "I will not have sex with a guy that I am just going on dates. I need to be in a mutually exclusive relationship" and "I will not have sex with a guy until I fall in love with him".

 

I would be totally fine with the former but not the latter... why? Because I have been burnt enough number of times of making the girl feel so special and loved and got jacked in return. I was left high and dry after giving everything to the girl... Felt so used and cheated..... And then of course had to undergo all the mockery from people saying that I was used as a pseudo-boyfriend.... Never ever will I put myself in such a situation again. Call me whatever you want but if a girl says 'no sex until marriage' or 'no sex until love' I will just run to the hills...

[StrawberryYogurt]

I would be totally fine with the former but not the latter... why? Because I have been burnt enough number of times of making the girl feel so special and loved and got jacked in return. I was left high and dry after giving everything to the girl... Felt so used and cheated..... And then of course had to undergo all the mockery from people saying that I was used as a pseudo-boyfriend.... Never ever will I put myself in such a situation again. Call me whatever you want but if a girl says 'no sex until marriage' or 'no sex until love' I will just run to the hills...

 

Naw, you're not bitter LOL.

[grymoire]

Naw, you're not bitter LOL.

 

may be i am...... but i am not any more bitter than some people here.

[Dating Coach]

My point is that the OP has higher standards and is better off waiting for someone who also has higher standards.

 

I have a problem with this.

 

A) We don't know this guys standards. You all are assuming his standards because he became distant after the third date which included many revelations about the OP's preferences. Any number (or combination) of those preferences could have caused him to decide they were not compatible.

 

B) Why are her standards "higher"? It's merely her personal preference as opposed to another persons personal preference. No one is "higher", just "different".

 

C) I do not like everyone painting this guy as the bad guy. He did not force himself on her at all. Even IF he was turned off by her "waiting until I am in love" revelation he did not push the point at all. She said he completely slowed down and was noticibly more distant. Isn't that a fair response if he realized they were sexually incompatible? It's not like he forced the issue or even challenged her beliefs.