Why is sex everything???

[Dating Coach]

Well, obviously this guy is a sleazy son of a b****, who just wanted to get in your pants. Thank goodness you learned the truth NOW before you fell in love with this guy and he dumped you after seducing and conquering you. That's what men like this do: they get excited by the seduction, but when sex finally happens and he's conquered you, he gets bored, loses interest, and wants to scavange around for the next grand conquest.

 

I would leave this guy alone; he's not worth your time or acknowledgement. Let him find someone else to make miserable.

 

YIKES!

[grymoire]

Going by some logic given here I think Indian women are of the highest standard than the rest of the world. They will have sex only after marriage.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I have a problem with this.

B) Why are her standards "higher"? It's merely her personal preference as opposed to another persons personal preference. No one is "higher", just "different".

 

Bollocks, man. That is pure PC talk so as to not offend those who make unwise decisions. It is "higher" in that having sex with a relative stranger (and yes, 3 dates makes someone still a stranger of sorts) is just not wise for many reasons.

[Dating Coach]

Que? What kind of girls do you hang out with? Falling in love (infatuation kind) doesn't have to take long; it can happen within a week.

 

I disagree. I think you are confusing infatuation with love. You don't truly know someone until much later on. In one week you do not know that person and how compatible you are no matter how much you share or how many hours within that week you spend together.

 

Now, infatuation can turn to love. You can instantly be infatuated and floored by someone you just started seeing, and that can eventually turn to real love, but it is not love.

 

To truly love someone you need to see more than their brief exterior. You need to know their core, for what you see on the exterior may not really be them. For most people it isn't.

 

No one knows me-as in who I really am-within a week. My fiancee' and I spent at least 4 days a week together from the week of our first date till today, over 5 years later. I don't think we truly knew each other until at least a year went by.

[grymoire]

Bollocks, man. That is pure PC talk so as to not offend those who make unwise decisions. It is "higher" in that having sex with a relative stranger (and yes, 3 dates makes someone still a stranger of sorts) is just not wise for many reasons.

 

ok.. then why is the guy considered a wimp when he doesn't make a move on the girl on the 1st, 2nd or at least 3rd date? why do many women have to say "i don't think he finds me attractive"???

[Dating Coach]

Naw, you're not bitter LOL.

 

He has a very strong point. Maybe you should read it again. If you do and don't agree, please explain why, don't just throw out labels.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have to wonder about why people say it was too soon for her to state her preference about not having sex before being in love...why is 3 dates too soon to state your preference in that, but not too soon to start groping and having sex with someone. Basically if your opinions run counter to "let's get it on" you should keep your mouth shut but if you want to "get it on" that's okay..then you are allowed to talk about sex. Makes sense!

[Daegas]

ok.. then why is the guy considered a wimp when he doesn't make a move on the girl on the 1st, 2nd or at least 3rd date? why do many women have to say "i don't think he finds me attractive"???

Because women are just as confused about themselves as you are about them!

[Dating Coach]

Bollocks, man. That is pure PC talk so as to not offend those who make unwise decisions. It is "higher" in that having sex with a relative stranger (and yes, 3 dates makes someone still a stranger of sorts) is just not wise for many reasons.

 

Now you're spinning the conversation. We were not talking about safety, we're talking about points of view.

[grymoire]

Because women are just as confused about themselves as you are about them!

 

may be... but at least i am not confused about infatuation and love.. i know the difference

[Wotgorilla]

This is so true, what you see at first is that person's best behavior, it takes time, sometimes years later, for the real person to come out, and them, whammo!

 

Or in my case, you see things right away that you ignore but shouldn't have.....

 

ah, hindsight...

[sunflower_girl]

Wow...I went to the bar with friends, came back, and noticed that this topic EXPLODED. Everyone...please stay calm!!! It was just an honest question I wanted to ask yesterday. I wasn't trying to offend and never said that I was better than anyone/my standards are "higher"...just "different".

Firstly, it IS offensive for some posters to immediately label me a prude. I am not! I'm a very passionate and sensual person…I just chose to share my body with those few who I feel a special connected with. If that's prudish, then...so be it. I rather be a prude that someone who freely sleeps around with no consideration for her health/emotional well being. (There are STDs afterall!!!)

Secondly, the reason why we had this "talk" was because HE BROUGHT IT UP. He wanted to know so I answered honestly. I disagree with the suggestion that should have "toned it down" or lied. Only having sex with people I'm in love with is something that I believe in. And, if we were going to be seeing anymore of each other, I felt he should know that early on so that we may be on the same page. (Not different expectations of the relationship).

Thirdly, haha...I feel a little silly. He texted back while I was out just now. He said sorry for not getting back to me earlier (he was busy yesterday) and asked when I was free this week. He even mentioned a modern play that I may like. So...maybe having "different" standards work after all???

 

[Dating Coach]

I have to wonder about why people say it was too soon for her to state her preference about not having sex before being in love...why is 3 dates too soon to state your preference in that, but not too soon to start groping and having sex with someone.

 

First off, I want to know exactly what this "groping" was. I thought it was wandering hands... and where they were wandering was never really defined. A lot of people here have "filled in the blanks" on their own and labeled it "groping" to fit their own interpretation and feelings on the subject... which has become a bit off topic.

 

To your point: The guy asked. So she was okay in responding truthfully. I have no problem with her answering the question nor do I have a problem with her personal views on sex. On the same token, I have no problem with a guy walking upon finding out this information (as many assume this guy did). This guy never pushed her passed what she stated her limits as and yet so many here seem willing to bash his character. That's sad.

 

 

Basically if your opinions run counter to "let's get it on" you should keep your mouth shut but if you want to "get it on" that's okay..then you are allowed to talk about sex. Makes sense!

 

Let's not be overly dramatic.

[Dating Coach]

Firstly, it IS offensive for some posters to immediately label me a prude. I am not! I'm a very passionate and sensual person…I just chose to share my body with those few who I feel a special connected with. If that's prudish, then...so be it.

 

I personally have no problem with your preference. You are entitled to it. The only thing I took exception to was the number of people who made assumptions regarding this guy and harshly judged him by the preferences they assumed he had.

 

Thirdly, haha...I feel a little silly. He texted back while I was out just now. He said sorry for not getting back to me earlier (he was busy yesterday) and asked when I was free this week. He even mentioned a modern play that I may like. So...maybe having "different" standards work after all???

 

 

There ya go. Maybe it was all in your head. Maybe it wasn't. This guy's actions have been a-ok thus far. He's never pushed you or insulted you or anything. I feel some people have been way to harsh on this guy based upon their own assumptions and strong feelings on the subject.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Now you're spinning the conversation. We were not talking about safety, we're talking about points of view.

 

Well, I am referring to both safety and general health of relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually I am not being overly dramatic...that was the message of many posters..that she shouldn't have said anything so soon, she shouldn't have brought it up...so far from being dramatic, I am merely stating what other posters have said.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Actually I am not being overly dramatic...that was the message of many posters..that she shouldn't have said anything so soon, she shouldn't have brought it up...so far from being dramatic, I am merely stating what other posters have said.

 

+1. I interpreted posters' opinion the same way. Seems people only want to hear what they want to hear when it comes to sex and dating.

[Dating Coach]

Well, I am referring to both safety and general health of relationships.

 

That's perfectly fine, but you took it that way when the conversation wasn't there. Just understand that.

 

The conversation was about one poster saying their choice of waiting was a "higher" choice than sex and compared it to classiness by using an analogy of fast food versus a restaraunt. That's what we were discussing, not health risks... which ARE a valid concern-just not to the particular point that was being challenged at the time.

[May_It_Be]

Read her posts carefully.... she says she does not feel like having sex until she falls in love... not just entering into an exclusive relationship. That is the reason why me, Carmine, and some other guys wrote that lot of guys would not wait for that long...

 

 

 

If I date a girl and she says "grymoire i will not have sex with you till we get into a mutually exclusive relationship" I will most certainly agree and have no problems waiting for 2 or 3 months. But if a girl says she won't have sex until she falls in love then I would feel uncomfortable and most likely will not proceed with her. Falling in love takes a very long time........

 

Yes Indian culture frowns upon pre-marital sex and sex in general all the while having erotic statutes in holy temples... That is why I hate that culture....

 

If you've been dating for two or three months and she hasn't dumped you, she's probably falling in love with you. So your point really is kind of moot, here. Falling in love does NOT take a long time, unless there are deep issues involved, and one partner is just using the other for security or self-esteem motives.

 

And yes, I thought I had it right about Indian culture ... so I was surprised that you were SO against abstinence, because you ALWAYS talk about your Indian heritage.

[grymoire]

Firstly, it IS offensive for some posters to immediately label me a prude.

 

yes you have the right to feel offensive... but just take a look at this:

 

Maybe hes just a slug.

 

The guy sounds like a bit of jerk and a player, anyway.

 

better that you get rid of those guys early on and find the guys who want to get to know who sunflower girl is...long before they try to see what kind of bra and panties she wears.

 

Well, obviously this guy is a sleazy son of a b****, who just wanted to get in your pants.

 

did you see the hostility?

 

people have comfortably ignored that you mentioned about his hands wandering around and substituted that with 'groping'.... they have also ignored the fact that you told you will have sex when you are in love and substituted that with the guy wanting sex on the 3rd date

 

many times i have mentioned about the unfair attacks directed against guys and i ended up getting a bad rep for that.... well, this thread is proof of what i am talking about.

[StrawberryYogurt]

[quote=May_It_Be;2719011 Falling in love does NOT take a long time, unless there are deep issues involved, and one partner is just using the other for security or self-esteem motives.

 

I agree with everything else you wrote on this thread, but must disagree here. Falling in love does take a long time for some people like myself and arguably should take a long time.

[Clarity]

I stand by higher standards and have no problem being considered "judgemental". If someone routinely dines at nice restaurants vs fast food places they are usually considered having higher standards...same thing here...if someone is ready to sleep with someone they just met, chances are they routinely do that which means they don't set high standards because they are going by their "physical needs" as opposed to really getting to know someone and finding out if that person is even worthy of their time. If you wait for a relationship before having sex you are indeed setting higher standards for yourself because you are more selective and don't just want fast food.

 

It's you're right to call them "higher" standards as long as you acknowledge that that is your opinion because that is *to you* a higher standard. Otherwise, by your logic, the longer someone waits to have sex, the higher standards they have, which is absurd because, clearly, for everyone, there is a right time to transition to having sex and it's not meant to be as far away as possible.

 

That is why I prefer the term "different" standards. If this guy decides that after a few dates he's willing to have sex with a girl he knows for that period of time (and suffer any consequences) that should be his choice and even if I thought, by waiting, I was exercising "higher" standards - I wouldn't broadcast that as some sort of truth - it's completely in the eye of the beholder.

 

The fast food analogy is a poor one, in my opinion. It's about price/quality of a commodity vs. moral compasses, which are much more subjective. I would compare it to this: if for some reason I had a strong preference to date only women who were educated at the post-graduate level, would I have higher standards than someone without the preference? From my point of view, perhaps, but I'll bet you couldn't get anything close to universal agreement on that from others.

[StrawberryYogurt]

The conversation was about one poster saying their choice of waiting was a "higher" choice than sex and compared it to classiness by using an analogy of fast food versus a restaraunt. That's what we were discussing, not health risks... which ARE a valid concern-just not to the particular point that was being challenged at the time.

 

Um, I was referring to her comment. I mention health of relationships as in it's healthier to wait to have sex in the same way that it is healthier to eat at a nice restaurant (well, for the most part anyway lol) than to eat at a McDonalds.

[grymoire]

If you've been dating for two or three months and she hasn't dumped you, she's probably falling in love with you. So your point really is kind of moot, here. Falling in love does NOT take a long time, unless there are deep issues involved, and one partner is just using the other for security or self-esteem motives.

 

sorry i have to disagree... i am not going to make the mistake of assuming that a girl is falling in love with me because she has been dating me for three months... i am done with making assumptions and then getting burnt with reality.

 

And yes, I thought I had it right about Indian culture ... so I was surprised that you were SO against abstinence, because you ALWAYS talk about your Indian heritage.

 

ok so? i don't understand. yes i have mentioned about my Indian heritage where it mattered. specifically in another Indian poster's threads. why? because according to me we both face same problems because of our cultural background. i don't see anything wrong with it. just because i talk about my Indian heritage does not mean that i agree everything that goes with that culture and strictly follow it. if that is the case i should not be here in a dating site as dating does not exist in Indian culture..

[Daegas]

I spent a few months with a shy woman, talking many many hours, and in the end I got to know her better than she knows herself. The connection we had was so strong that she was puzzled how this happened because with a close friend it took years to form.

 

I spent one month with a very open talkative woman, talking about everything, and I know her better than the other woman. I know her core, her feelings, her past and what makes her tick.

 

Who are we to say when someone knows another persons core or not, or when they know if they are compatible or not? How can we then say someone is in love or infatuated?

 

I also knew most people would find it implausible that she was experiencing true love, and I did say the love was the infatuation kind, but I am not even sure what the topic starter means with being in love. I also believe it doesn't really matter because even the best women can get confused & blinded believing she is in love whilst it is infatuation.

 

Just to add to the point:

 

 

Just to add to the point (in another way):