sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I got out of a serious relationship about a year ago and have been trying to put myself back together. I FINALLY think I'm over it. I've started dating again! Over the past month, I've went out with three different guys...the first was a film student who was very nice...but, I just didn't feel any "spark" after the movie date. (We couldn’t really talk).The second guy was a med student. Again, really really sweet...but, I only saw him as a friend. Then, the third guy came along. I accepted the first date just because, heck, I had nothing better to do that evening! We met up for a quick drink but it turned into a three hour long conversation. We really clicked on an intellectual level! But...I wasn't very attracted to him. I've always liked the "bad boy" types; this guy was WAY DIFFERENT. He's about 6'2, blonde, skinny, professional. I decided to give it another try and went out on a second date with him. He took me to a nice restaurant; once again, we had a great conversation and a pleasant time. But...still, I wasn't sure if I liked him. Yesterday, we went out again because there was the annual festival in town. I had a great time! We kissed for the first time and it was very romantic--we were watching the parade by the river. So...NOW, I've decided that I like him. The problem is, I don't think he's interested anymore. (Ugh!) For some reason we talked about sex yesterday and I said that I only make love with people I'm IN LOVE with. (No random sex for me, my parents taught me well). I'm also not a big fan of public displays of affection. I strongly feel that, if people are going to intensely make out, they should do it in private. He grew a bit quiet after hearing this. Anyway, at the end up the date, he kissed me and said "take care". And...I haven't heard from him since....??? For the past week, we've been texting each other multiple times each day. But, I sent him a text from the office this afternoon and he didn't respond back. I guess that's the end of that! WHY DOES INSTANT SEX HAVE TO BE EVERYTHING??? Geez, can't people just get to know one another first??? Is that too much to ask? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 To be honest, i like hugging and kissing in public (not crazy but affectionate) and i couldn't see myself ever happily dating a guy who frowned on that. So it might be that thing that was more of a turn off than the sex part. It is what it is. This does NOT mean sex is everything. It might mean he is affectionate and likes to show it to the person he is without restrictions of no kissing in public, or hugging, hand holding, etc. Link to comment
Alabama Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 No...it isn't too much to get to know people first. Sadly, many guys believe sex to be everything, and feel it is the only "connection" I suppose to have with a girl. There are guys out there who are interested in things more than just sex, so don't worry about it. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Oh, no...I love hugging, sweet kissing and holding hands in public. I just don't like INTENSE make-out sessions and being felt up when there are other people around. (I'm more mature now and passed that stage in my life). We kissed multiple times yesterday, so that wasn't a problem. I think it was my "no sex without love" mentality. Oh well, I'm not going to change my standards for any guy. Link to comment
Lionel Hutz Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 What if you fall in love and the sex is horrible? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Oh, no...I love hugging, sweet kissing and holding hands in public. I just don't like INTENSE make-out sessions and being felt up when there are other people around. (I'm more mature now and passed that stage in my life). We kissed multiple times yesterday, so that wasn't a problem. I think it was my "no sex without love" mentality. Oh well, I'm not going to change my standards for any guy. But did HE know what you meant? IF you said you don't like public displays of affection he may not have realized what you meant. To be honest, it was too soon to even mention that, so if that is why he bolted, lessons learned for the future. I don't think either thing you said was timed right, neither should have been said if you were on a third date and he wasn't trying to get in your pants ... I would be taken aback by that comment as a female if a guy felt the need to blurt those things out on a third date. You 'decided' that you liked him but maybe some of the signs he read on the first few dates were red flags to him and he was dating others, and someone else was more into him. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Haha...never happened. I think if you're in love with someone, you'll have GREAT SEX. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Maybe you just scared him off by saying that at all. I mean no offense at all, but why did it need to be said? Especially so early on? It might have just freaked him into thinking you have some baggage he doesn't want to deal with. I don't see this necessarily (maybe, of course!) being that he was just all about sex. I just see this as one of those things you don't need to talk about - your behavior and actions with the man will tell him all he needs to know. Link to comment
redhearts Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Maybe hes just a slug. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Haha...never happened. I think if you're in love with someone, you'll have GREAT SEX. Hmm, you might want to visit the sex forum then. LOL I think there are a half dozen or a few hundred threads about this very topic - someone who states "i love him/her so much but the sex is horrible". Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 But did HE know what you meant? IF you said you don't like public displays of affection he may not have realized what you meant. To be honest, it was too soon to even mention that, so if that is why he bolted, lessons learned for the future. I don't think either thing you said was timed right, neither should have been said if you were on a third date and he wasn't trying to get in your pants ... I would be taken aback by that comment as a female if a guy felt the need to blurt those things out on a third date. You 'decided' that you liked him but maybe some of the signs he read on the first few dates were red flags to him and he was dating others, and someone else was more into him. No, no...he ASKED. I just didn't randomly say, "lets about about sex!" Besides, his hands started roaming too much, so I had to say, "stop...there are little children around". Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 hey, that sucks that happened. You dont really know for sure though that you scared him off or if it even involved the topic of sex. Maybe he didnt feel the click anymore, who knows. To me i prefer to wait afew weeks atleast before having sex because it makes me respect the girl more. When im able to sleep with the woman the first night, for some reason it makes me not take them as serious anymore and im just sorta whatever.. good quality you have but sometimes it takes someone a while to fall in love and now days a guy or even girl may not wanna wait afew months or even years. kissing and touching gets old quick. it feels like middleschool. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 No, no...he ASKED. I just didn't randomly say, "lets about about sex!" Besides, his hands started roaming too much, so I had to say, "stop...there are little children around". Chalk it up to incompatibility then. Better to find out on date three vs several months into it. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Ahhh...roamin' Roman hands. lol. Yeah, that sucks. But it sometimes happens. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Dating is...hard. I've been out of the game for a year and feel a bit rusty. Haha. Link to comment
Lionel Hutz Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Hmm, you might want to visit the sex forum then. LOL I think there are a half dozen or a few hundred threads about this very topic - someone who states "i love him/her so much but the sex is horrible". LOL! I was thinking that too. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 I guess I'm just a little upset because I started to realize that he had relationship potential. After the third date, I liked him. But, I guess if he doesn't text back, he doesn't text back. Shouldn't worry about it. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Well just like you were evalulating him he was evaluating you. Three dates is still very much the evaluation period. He might have found someone who was a stronger contender, just like if you had fuond a guy more attractive you likely would have dropped him. Frustrating but par for the course with dating. Especially if you found him on a dating site since those guys are more likely seeing others at the same time. That is the hardest part about dating people who use the sites, you always know he/she is seeing others as well. That doesn't happen as often when you meet someone in the real world. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 Yeah, if it was over the internet...that would make sense. But, I live in a college town and these guys are university or graduate students. I met them in the "real world". Link to comment
madmarten Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I would chalk it up to incompatibility. The guy sounds like a bit of jerk and a player, anyway. He is used to progressing very quickly with girls. And your not used to progressing that fast. HOWEVER, mentioning that you only only "make love" with people you are in love with is going to scare a lot of guys (possibly, a lot of great guys with potential) off. Guess what, this can be a red flag for guys. A guy you probably want wouldn't start in with such direct sex questions right away, but if the subject comes up try to diffuse it with some ambiguity. Perhaps say something like, "my emotions tend get to involved, and I prefer having sex (or getting physical) with someone I care about. " That kinda takes the pressure off of the situation. Link to comment
grymoire Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I don't understand why men are being blamed here.... It is well known that if a guy does not make his move on the girl she will think he is either a wimp or he does not find her attractive and decide to not see him anymore... I would rather make a move on the girl and be seen as a jerk instead of waiting and be called as a wimp... Link to comment
madmarten Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I don't understand why men are being blamed here.... It is well known that if a guy does not make his move on the girl she will think he is either a wimp or he does not find her attractive and decide to not see him anymore... I would rather make a move on the girl and be seen as a jerk instead of waiting and be called as a wimp... Making a move is one thing, excessive groping in public is quite another. Grymoire, sometimes it is not what you do, but the way you it that makes a difference. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Yep, this guy was just looking to get laid...the tip off...introducing the subject of sex on the third date and trying to grope you. I see nothing wrong with what you said...better that you get rid of those guys early on and find the guys who want to get to know who sunflower girl is...long before they try to see what kind of bra and panties she wears. Link to comment
Carmine Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Whoa, hold on. Give this guy a break. Instead of jumping the gun and calling him a slug or a player only looking for sex, tell me if you ever thought of it this way - they kiss, and right after she says how she only has sex with guys she's in love with and doesn't like PDA. If that happened to me, that would translate to - "I kissed you but I don't really like you so stop now," and I would probably cut it off and look elsewhere too. Saying what you said suggests to him that you don't like him. Now he's getting texts from you and he's probably thinking, "This girl is leading me on and just wants my attention...no way I'm responding." Also, guys don't want to hear that you only have sex when you're in love. That suggests a girl who won't have premarital sex, or one that's probably gonna lead a guy on for 6 months and then flake out. Not wanting to wait 6 months for sex doesn't mean a guy is sex-crazy. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I totally agree with you on, "Why does instant sex have to be everything?", and, "Why can't people get to know each other first?" How many times have you heard the words, "We had sex after dating for 2 weeks, and I don't know what he's thinking" or, "I had sex with her, but now I'm not attracted to her." Am I missing something here? I'm not judging anyone on here, but doesn't it make more sense to know someone well enough before jumping into bed? Just my opinion... Link to comment
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