Hardest part about breaking up with a Narcissist is...

[californiagal]

God, Ariana, a lot of that sounded similar. The first part about how treated your body - my ex (who was very disinterested in actually having sex with me- despite being someone who talked about sex a fair bit and checked out women all day) first praised my body all the time...and then really didn't give a * * * * about it. If he ever had a genuine sexual attraction to me, instead of just a need to conquer and own me, it wore off within maybe six to eight weeks. Which perplexed me, because most men will want sex at the least, right?

 

In fact, his attitude to my body was just strange - for example, he used to mock me for wearing underwire bras (just underwire, not a padded bra! I mean, * * * ? have you ever heard of a man who does that? most women wear them!). One afternoon he idly reached for my breast when we were sitting on the couch and deliberately recoiled from me, acting like he was disgusted by my bra so he had no more desire to touch me. It was both bizarre and hurtful. My breasts, without being vain, are actually nice...and um, I have never had a male recoil from me because I had a bra on - it might be a temporary annoyance to them, but that wouldn't stop someone from trying to get it off, right. So I was totally flabbergasted - I said, um, you do know that most women wear bras, don't you? He claimed that they didn't, that "none of his ex-girlfriends had". I'm thinking, who's the f*cking woman here, you or me? I know what is normal female attire and what is not.

 

I know that sounds like a small thing but it stuck in my head as just a weird, weird reaction to have to your girlfriend's body. And he used to dissect my looks alot, too. The comments that came out of his mouth were favorable (he had some filter) - but I always felt under a magnifying glass, and had the sense that whereas he once thought I was beautiful (before he "owned" me, of course), suddenly he was judging me on a harsher and harsher scale. One that I could never succeed on. And I felt that everything about me was being reevaluated - my career, my friends, my life goals. What was once so "impressive" to him was suddenly stupid and boring. To "redeem" my value, I would have had to turn overnight into a lingerie model internet entrepreneur movie star whatever.

 

I shudder for all the sensible people like us who somehow get taken in by these deadend, sucking ego blackholes.

 

And to answer you question about whether your ex will find happiness with the next one: No. They never do. Narcissists can never reach contentment. It's just a cycle for these soulless beings, that they are doomed to live their whole lives repeating. They actually think their parching need for ego rush is a need for genuine human connection. They truly believe they are romantics searching for love, that their perfect one is "still out there", that all they have to do is find her. They are never able to get one step past the "getting her" stage, because all that ever matters to their ego is the conquering of another person. Once conquered, there is no more ego reward for them, just ever increasing boredom and frustration that they are trapped with someone who is clearly "not good enough" for the glorious beings they need to believe they are.

 

Pity them. When we are all happily growing old with our life partners and families, building lives rich in human warmth and connection, learning from our life sadnesses and mistakes to become wiser and more empathetic human beings, the narcissists will still be in their cycle, rageful and alone, still bitterly searching.

[jjbinks]

Ariana, your post helped me not want to contact my ex or "x". lol. I was thinking about it, even after all the countless chances I gave him to change, but your post reminded me of things even I had forgotten about him. Love when they would get upsetat you for not being naked. Did any of your bf's have problems sharing covers and pillows and cuddling? Did any of them also claim that they were "pick up artists" and that it was the only way to get women? I love the christmas ornament thing it made me laugh which I haven't don ein a while. I just couldn't stand how selfish he was anymore.. Whenver he was sick, I HAD TO SIT AND WATCH HIM SLEEP AND WAIT UNTIL HE WOKE UP TO BUY HIM FRUIT with money that i barely had whenhe makes 6 figures or more. But when I'm sick it's, can't you wait for me to get up before we get food? I don't feel like driivng right now. On our last night together, (we decided to spend one last night together), he wouldn't stay up and watch the sunrise with me because "he was too tired", it was our last flippin night together can't you sleep tomorrow? Anything that he did for me he expected something in return. Nothing could ever be an unselfish gift. then the last time i tried to give him a chance to meetme he told me i would have to get someone to drive me to meet him, which meant letting my family get all worked up about our rleationship again, and when i asked him if he had anyhting to say to me he said no. He just wantd to see me before i left.. these men are all a prototype and so good at manipulation they make you believe that you are the selfish one.

[Ariana9]

OMG JJ my "X" made over 6 fig's too (before he switched jobs and went bankrupt while trying to start his own business the wrong way!) while I was a starving student, and he made me buy him food and expected gifts all the time....

 

And he was "too tired" all the time, too, but I learned that was b/c he was busy cheating on me for the other hours in the day he did not see me.

And I had to drive, yup, or he drove and complained incessantly. He even complained about walking! (despite being in great shape, walking hurt his back)

 

Thanks CAgirl this is all really creepy...no of course they will never find happiness or forge real relationships - other people are not the problem - they ARE!

[Indicavio]

If you have different therapists, you will break up sooner or later. The therapist is paid to root for YOU and help you feel right in your short-term choices. So your separate therapists will help you and your loved one with different badges to put on your all-too-human and loveably flawed personalities. If your therapist is happily married for 20 years, or even better, just normally, flawedly married for 20 years, you might have found a good one. But: If you want to save a relationship, use the same therapist.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, I am starting to think my Ex is an Narcissist as well. I did not know what is was until I read this thread. She was beautiful, engaging, funny girl that could make you feel like her world evolved around you when you were with her one on one. Nobody ever made me feel this special. We broke up a year ago and she would never let me fully go. She was dating other men and sleeping with them but would text me and call me and still want to hang out. I just couldn't let her go, she made me feel so special. She would still sleep with me as well but I knew something was really wrong with this picture.

 

We would go out dancing and all kinds of guys would be hitting on her and she loved the attention. She even gave some of them her phone number. She would constantly be getting texts and texting through out the night. They were mostly with guys that wanted her or she had been with in the past that wanted her. She never let anyone go she had been with. It was like a constant ego feeding for her even if she knew she had no feelings for them or intentions of getting back with them ever again. She always said that once she lost the feelings she could never go back. However, sex to her was not making love. It was a way of feeding her fragile ego and low self esteam. She was really good at it and it was crayz fun sex. Most of the time she would have to be drinking and it would happen after partying. She never would look you in the eye. I found out she slept with 7 different men last year and 3 of us on multiple occasions in November.

 

When we would plan a night out at the club with friends even though her and I were officially FWB's she would text and invite multiple guys she had been with in the past that she knew would feed her ego. We were all her so called friends so in her mind there was no problem having us all there at once. I remember standing there looking around at all of us wondering what the hell are we doing? Are we all crazy? I think all of us felt we had this special connection with her that she could not live without us. Her life was full of guy drama. She had no girlfriends and all the guy friends she has are guys she has slept with in the past or gay.

 

All year she would call and text me everyday. The calls were always about her. She was never there when I needed her. She used me to feed her ego and as her emotional crutch all year. Then she found Plenty of fish and she is now on that site everyday getting her ego fed. We stopped being FWB's in mid Nov when I found out she caught an std. Thank god I did not get it. She said she wanted me to stay in her life as her best friend, that she loved me with all her heart and could not live without me. It wasn't what I wanted but I just couldn't let go and tried to be her friend. I believed her and then my dad died. She did not come over the night he died to hang out with me. I asked her to hang out the next night and she said she could not. She had a first date with some guy off of plenty of fish and would feel bad if she canceled. That broke my heart. I just could not understand. Her words just did not match her actions. All the time she was justifying her point of view and why she did not come over.

 

Then a week later she called me one night and asked what I was doing, I told her and asked what she was doing. She said she was on her way to meet a guy from plenty of fish. I could not believe she was calling and telling me that! Then she said I doubt it will last long and will call you after. She did call me and ask after the date to hang out. I guess the date didn't go so well. Like an idiot I said ok and she came to my house and we ended up holding each other all night and sleeping on the couch in our cloths. It was an empty, empty feeling. I knew it meant nothing to her accept she needed to feel loved. She did the same thing the next night but I said no, sorry your date did not go well but I don't want to see you. She then said I love you and I did not say it back. She got upset and ended the call.

 

The next day I sent her a letter telling her I needed time away from her to heal. Her response was to delete me on FB and tell my friend F-him I will be over him in two days! Neither of us have reached out since. That was a week ago. I am sure she has just replaced me with all the others that are pining after her. Yes it hurts but at least I am not suffering any longer and am not being used by her.

 

I made a lot of mistakes and compromised what I wanted. In the end she just was not capable of giving it to me. She does not think like a rational person thinks and I was applying my rational thinking to what she was saying and it kept me hanging on way too long. If only I could have figured this out sooner I would not have suffered all year. Yes, I she made me feel so high at times. No girl has ever made me feel this way. On the other hand I completely lost myself in this girl. It really was a matter of life and death to go complete NC on her for life. She would have been the death of me. I am now trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. Honestly, I am doing better than I expected at this point.

 

I finally see her for the monster manipulator she really is and do not want any part of her snake charm. She has bit me for the last time.

[MissyMolly]

If you have different therapists, you will break up sooner or later. The therapist is paid to root for YOU and help you feel right in your short-term choices. So your separate therapists will help you and your loved one with different badges to put on your all-too-human and loveably flawed personalities. If your therapist is happily married for 20 years, or even better, just normally, flawedly married for 20 years, you might have found a good one. But: If you want to save a relationship, use the same therapist.

 

Unfortunately, there is no relationship to "save" with a narcassist. Your therapy is best used to recover from one, not trying to save it.

[Starrgrl]

Californiagal and ariana9, your posts hit it tooo close to home.

Boy I forgot alot of the things he used to do, and that's only the very tip of the iceberg.

 

 

Sad thing is despite everything I still care about him. lol.

[tiz4tggr]

My narcissist BF just broke up with me last thursday. In reading what you and others have wrote I am 100% sure he's a narcissist. I have had so many questions run through my mind over the past weekend....was I good enough...was I strong enough...was I loving enough...is it my fault...what if I'm the narcissist and he's completely normal. OMG...it's horrible! Only someone who has been through this can completely understand the feeling for complete and uncondition love this person pretends to show you. No other time and with no other man in your entire life have you or your needs been so important. The NC way is definitely the way to go.

[apple89]

i feel like we all date the same guy... this is my story

 

THE RED FLAGS :

my ex boyfriend lives in the city m from and i go to school i another city, we started dating at the beginning of the semester, also i jsut transfered into this school this pst semester... so baically he came 2 times and then started flying me to go see him almost every weekend (or else i would drive to him) he never gave me chance to make friends at my new school would check my facebook and phone constantly to see what guys would talk to me and i would get pissed about any guy i would talk to.. he woul always talk about all his x gfs wanted him back bc his such a great catch but none of them knew how to treat him.. complained about how this psycho girl would alwyas text him but i alwyas asked him why wouldnt he just ignore her, talked abou how good he looked when he dressed up.. had a bentley a amazing apartment i which more 75%of his income would go to.. didnt have friends bc they were all jealous of him and only used him when they needed something.. he even asked me to mvoe in wiht him once i graduated, and also always talked about his ready to get married (that moment i asked him maybe we should break up bc there is no way i would get maried- and him saying he would wait for me), always talked about he hates living by "himself", he would constantly text me asking me where i was and what i was doing and saying how amazing i was, he even would say "please dont mess with my heart bc you have it" and would et mad at me "flirting" with guys on internet bc i wasnt taking him serious, alwyas was scared of me breaking up with him..he hated when i woudl say any sort of criticism about hime.. him being 29 his mom still bought him a unch of expensive clothes.. he even told me he loved me ..was very good with me at the beginning but i always someting always told me its too good to be true, and something here isnt right since everything was moving soo fast....

 

THE REAL FACE:

it all came to us fighting one day bc he completely dissapeared on me one night and started talking about we need to take it "slow" and that i need to not make him my priority.. i then got very emotional he broke with me claiming that he doesnt need stupid relationships bc his ready to get married.. 2 days later after seeing that im gong out and having fun, he starts texting me and since i wouldnt answer he would facebook chat me, 3 days later proposing me to start again and this time take it slow. i agreed.. as soon as i came home for the holydays he goes back to him alwas texting me, always wanting to hang out (at that momet i was like i guess were back to normal and were good again).. a week and a half later, he goes back to his "bad mood" with berly talking to me and making me feel like i was making him hang out with me..

 

it all finally broke up when i see him out with some friends after him telling me he was sick all day that day.. i try talking to him about why he was doing strats overreacting saying im crazy and that im causing a scene, ends up breaking up with cb i told him he hd to talk to me or end it... i later then find out he was talking to some girl when we were together i ask him about it he then acts all defensive and the SWITCHES in one coversation to come over and talk... STUPID me asks him back for some odd reasons he accepts.. new years day he claims his goind to a very expensive party he had to pay 400 dollars to get in but at midnight texts me asking me if i calld him i dont answer, he calls me, i didnt answer.. me being nice texts him later syain sorry i didnt have a phone and hope he has a good new years.. next day hes on my case asking me where i was and with who blah blah.. i see him everything is good.. next days he dissapears again...

 

THE REAL NARCISSIT

i confront him again.. his claim his not into this so much.. how can someone change so fast what happened, how can you losee feelings for someone in one day.. i ask him, i get mad and say all he deserves are girls who use him jsu tlike he used me.. he then starts hurting me and says "every men leaves u bc ur clingy like a mother..." and that i need to stop making my bf my priority and he no longer cares for me b/c hes seeing someone else... i answer by saying im not clingy bc i asked him a million times if he wanted some space from hanging out every weekend, i also mentioned how it was HIM WHO FLEW me, witout me ever askig him, also how he pushed me away from my world by not giving space to stay in my school and meet people.. his response gets even better: "i never told you u we were serious, and that he told me to take us serious"...i felt horrible, i felt like i lost him by wanting him and loving him so much, but not controlling my emotion i lost the perfect guy i also felt crazy and started thinking wow maybe i misread all his "signals"

 

it all makes sense now, i read this article i describes in fool detail and i feel like he has all the traits described .. they ar workholics, depend on parents alot bc its the only person they admire, inconcrete goals, its never their fault, hate criticism, unsecure, out of no where mood changes.. etc etc

 

im sad i feel like it wasnt real, im glad it only lasted 5 months and it didnt become a 1 year plus relationship in which the pain would be worse.. i didnt know what a narcissist men was until now and im glad i got out of this before it was too late.. we need to lvoe ourselves alot and see that we deserve better and that we cant change this people bc they need moms to alwyas adore them and complement them.. funny thing is i googled his name and his on the this website called instant cast (its for people wh want to be famouse) and this is how he describes himself as because its my dream , i HAVE THE LOOK , evrywhere i go people tell me i should be acting modeling ,,, its kinda crazy how many people tell me ... and it is my passion i love acting,singing.."

 

everyone is narcissist , but when someone shows so many trasits like this guys did, i think he seriously has a personality disorder not a triats and it sucks bc everything i though of him was fake...good luck people sorry for the length

[Sunshine7]

I have one question, when they break up with you do they ever come back, because I am on day 16 NC (day 7 he text saying 'how are you' but i didn't respond and haven't) but I feel like I can't move on because I know he will be back because of the cycle. Do they always come back even though they dumped you?

[Sweetkisses22]

I know exactly how you feel. Its like you can't believe it wasn't all real. Because in your heart you believed he loved you until the end when we learned the truth.

[Sweetkisses22]

I have one question, when they break up with you do they ever come back, because I am on day 16 NC (day 7 he text saying 'how are you' but i didn't respond and haven't) but I feel like I can't move on because I know he will be back because of the cycle. Do they always come back even though they dumped you?

 

 

Honestly I think it depends on the person. When my ex and I would break up he wouldntbcall or text me in the beginning but around the second week of no contact he would prank call me.with love songs or text me saying I miss you. Then when I still didn't answer him another week later he calls me and.tries.to talk.

[Sunshine7]

I have never gone in the whole 6 years we were together, the longest I have in the past was 10 days and he came back. All the other times I begged (I know so bad). The thing is this time I have gone I mean yes he dumped me but he has done that before and if I leave him he comes back. But this time I have gone 16 days NC (I mean vanished completely) how does that effect people like this? I had a text asking how i was on day 7 but i ignored it and had nothing since. All these years and I was blamed for everything I never knew about this disorder.

 

I am so completely confused by why he dumped me (said he didnt love me and that nothing i said would change his mind) and then he texts me 7 days later to ask how I am. Why? if you dump someone that's cos you don't want them right?

[SoaperGirl]

How long did it last, and especially after he moved in? How did it "progress", for him to show his true colors, and for you realize all this?

[ChellyV]

one day you will just wake up feeling unworthy of love, senseless, useless, and worthless because the narcissist made you believe that you are. his choice of words and actions make you feel all that. then, it will just hit you.

run, run, run while you can. the overwhelming feeling of relief is better than the daily grief caused by a narcissist. sure you will go through the post break up trauma, but eventually its better for you and your well being.

[kwitka]

I had the same experience. It was too good to be true. It was a fairy tail. Eveyone was jealous of our relationships. We met through online dating site and very shortly fell in love. At least I did. It was very hard to resist: sexy, well-fitted, extremely highly educated, proficient and talanted in everything… the list can go on and on. He was divorced (his wife ran away from him) and had a 4 year son. Very quickly we established close relationships. I fell in love with him, his son and his family. After a few months I moved in. His family took me as a family member and expected us to get married shortly. First few months he was running from work to me, telling me how much he missed me and that he has never loved anyone so deeply, including his ex-wife. Then, the strange things started to happen. To be honest, there were red flags before, but I was so in love (and still is) that I refused to notice anything. He turned out to be complete paranoid. He always was feeding me with stories how crazy his wife was. That she spied on him (after we broke up, he made the same story about me), he always had blinds down for that reason. Once on his birthday, I ordered a bunch of balloons for him. The first thing he thought once he saw them tied up on his door that there is a bomb from one of his employees. To make story short, he always suspected everyone in conspiracy. At the same time, he had an extreme charisma and everyone failed in love with him. He could spend tons of money to pay for dinners with friends and the same time when we were alone was upset about extra dollar for a paper towel. He loved showing up with me on public, but after was telling me how I embarrassed him. He was telling me how much he is in love because I’m beautiful (I’m 9 years younger), intelligent and caring. To make story short, I was trying to invest as much as possible into our illusionary family. Being a new college grad, I spent all my money to buy the best food for him, trying to compensate for not paying for the house here and there. His son got really attached to me. We became a real family. After a while, he got used to me so much that barely noticed me. It wasn’t him, his son and I, but him and his son and I was there only to carry the jacket of his son while they had fun. He never bought me something I really needed for special occasions, but only clothes so I could impress people around. He started criticizing me that I dance like a Frankenstein and wrinkly (once again, I’m 31 years old, skinny and attractive woman). At the same time he really enjoyed when other men paid attention to me. To be honest, his mother and father apparently know his problems, because I noticed many times how they tried to help me out. He was all about his image on public, but he didn’t not really have close friends. On public, he pictured me as a the most talented professional and beautiful woman and after was criticizing me about everything. He stopped talking to me. I loved him the way he was with all his paranoid attitude, but then he stopped talking to me. It happened shortly after an incident where I showed him that I can withstand for myself As he put after: he saw a completely different person in me. Things got worse and worse and after two weeks of silence treatment, I left at 5 in the morning. It was my second time leaving him and first time he did everything to return me, but warned me that second time will be the last one.

I was completely destroyed and still I’m. But he found a girl right after still telling me that he loves me. Only after 2 months and psychotherapy I began realizing things.

First of all, I’m an immigrant. And most of his girlfriends are immigrants. As he told me before, he never could find connection with American girls, and after all it makes sense. Foreign girls are more trusty and it’s easier to manipulate them.

He always chooses girls in lower status. And he does it again. I found out there is a Russian Georgian girl and a woman from Portugal. An American girl disappeared from a scene almost immediately. The same with friends. Always lower status. He is full of great ideas, but never does anything to make them true.

He sees everything only in black and white. Conspiracy is all around him. He had no any empathy. I could have died on a spot and he would’t care. At the same time he kept telling me how much he loved me until I was getting sick. It was all about him. We talked about it and he even tried, but he could show any empathy. It is just against his nature.

I don’t even want to go into our break up process, but even his 5 year old son sensed that something was wrong.

He kept some very valuable of my belongings and I had to chase him for 3 months before I received a first check for the property he kept. And only after I mentioned court.

I’m going through a therapy at the moment, I still deeply love him and thanx to my therapist who opened my eyes on him. After she saw his pictures, she said: “please, remember this face expression and run away from people like this”. She taught me that he is a clinical case of NPD and I did a great thing by leaving him. There are so many stories I could share about him, but most of us experienced the same before. Being with him cost me enormous amount of money and what makes things worse, the fact that he thinks that leaving with him was a great gift for me. I still love him and still can’t get mad at him. It hurts me immensely to realize that he is seeing other women and my life is a complete mess at the moment. I invested everything I had to fit his status and be a good woman for him and it turned out that it didn’t meat anything to him. It is incredible, how quickly you become an enemy for a NPD. One day he says he loves you more than anything in the world, the next thing you know, he dumps you. He tells me that he fell in love with a very confident woman and I turned out to be a different person. The thing is , he always wanted me to be independent, but at the same time to serve him, his son and his family, be quiet until I’m called. At the same time, he loved showing me to other people. I was just an attractive and intelligent toy. The worst thing of all, according to the research, his son has the same traits. A new NPD is growing and it breaks my heart. After almost 4 months after the break up I’m not feeling any better. I’m 96 lb now and don’t know how to get out of this mess.

[Silverbirch]

 

 

Being used to feed someones habit to boost their self-esteem and ego is hurtful for all people who go through it - but remember this - these people do not sleep at night, they hurt people over and over, and they themselves know they are rotten to the core, but will never accept it.

 

Be proud of who you are - and that all you did was love someone, which is not a crime - the realisation that you loved their charade, their mask, and their lies is hurtful - many people can get someone to love them through lies though cant they?. Be thankful you recognised the signs and moved on. That in itself should give you some momentum to build your life again.

 

Take it easy.

 

Not sure if my ex is a fully blown narcissist, but definitely a LOT of N traits. Your comment here helps me so much. I understand and identify with what everyone here says. Thank you

[RastaPasta]

I can really relate to this. I am a pretty insightful person and I tend to see things in people that they don't see in themselves. I would question my ex about his behavior to try to understand him or why he acted in certain ways, but it became clear to me that he himself doesn't understand. I think eventually my prodding pushed him away because he realized I was unearthing who he really was. He actually said to me when we broke up, "Maybe I just need someone to give me all the affection I need when I need it, and then disappear when I don't", that sounds like a world class relationship doesn't it?

 

I think the fact that I have stopped giving him attention since our break-up has made him angry.

[chickydoodle]

Yes they really are v damaging. Similar to You Rasta- being insightful, perceptive but clueless that such PD's exist I was always trying to help him figure out why others'misinterpreted him- why he attracted awful stuations'. I hung in for far too long.

 

The callousness and coldness esp after cheating on me but still wanting me in his life - was astounding!

 

Without going in to my - at times horrific story- just to say:

I admire all who get thru' such abuse without having to go on antidepressants - a must for me.

We are lucky to have survived such relationships and to no longer have them in our lives.

We must learn when to give and when not to give -when it comes to the next one ( altho I feel too damaged to ever have another relationship).

We must continue to work on self to undo the feeling of worthlessness so we never attract such a person again - so INHUMAN and UNATURAL in their thinking.

 

Unfortunately these dellusional narcs can be beautiful and compelling and for those of us who experienced them - we know how hard it is for anyone to match the level of connection and intensity shared at times We have to acknowledge our own addiction to such people for whatever reason and re-train ourselves in being attracted to what is good for us.

 

In Wikepedia there is a definition of Narcissim with a beautiful photo of a painting of a Naricisstic youth - by Carravaggio.

 

I dreamt I posted this to him and he didnt get it!

 

Thats another thing - The incessant dreaming about them - Oh how deeply we have allowed them into our subconscious. Such dreaming does suggest being left with a post traumatic stress disorder? I am hoping that in my dreams I am processing all I need to rid him from my thoughts forever - altho' at times it feels they serve to keep him in my thoughts?

Good luck to all of you - stay strong - dont romantcise the memories- and give thanks they are no longer in our lives.

X CD

[Liraele]

I think what's been hardest for me is, as I'm moving on, dating, getting back out into the world.... seeing people so effortlessly give the little things that my ex was just INCAPABLE of doing, that are the cornerstones of a good and solid relationship foundation... it makes me hurt a little inside, because it's something so simple. So easy. And he couldn't do it, see it, nor even be willing to acknowledge what was lacking on his part. It's hard to see it be so natural, so easy, so willing from other people...

 

Dealing with his utter selfishness and lack of comprehension about the effects of his actions and words - it's just mind-boggling sometimes. It really is.

[blueyedblonde]

WOW SingleAgain34.. wow. I came on here tonight, upset and came accross your thread/post. I am saying "wow" because your story is EXACTLY the same as mine. Identical. Except, your man moved in with you & I had moved in with mine. Which was worse, because of course when the crap hit the fan, I was the one who left and was displaced. But, I say wow because:

 

We had the same circumstances, he and I. In my case, I found out he was cheating and was leaving him, when he really turned on his nacissistic behaviors. But, after I left, I was heartbroken of course and unfortunately, not over him. I wanted him to ask for me forgiveness, beg me not to go, etc. He did none of that. He threw my stuff at me as I packed it.

 

Same traits. TO A TEE. He has no friends. None. He can not be alone. He moves in every woman he gets involved with. To the woman of course (only basing things on her "my" relationship) it presents itself like he wants her (me) to move in because he wants to be with her and he wants a future with her. But truth is, he doesnt want to be alone. He has said so. Lies, cheats, replaces women... wash rinse .... repeat.... ugh. Makes my stomach turn and still, I am like you SingleAgain34. I mourned more, I believe, what I wanted us to be and what we could have been, then I mourn what we had.

 

So, he was awful to me. Fast forward 14 months and out poured apologizes. (christ, i didnt know he had it in him) I had moved on and should have kept moving. After months, we tried again. (this time obviously my own fault and furthermore, it took a couple of months of talking first, because as I found out later, he was too busy with some other chick!)

 

He made sure to throw in there a few times that he was seeing other women. Might have been honest, but it's not how it should have went. I should have only been engaging with him if he was saying things like "I'm sorry, I want to make it up to you.." or "You're the only one I want to be with.." etc etc etc.. Now this 2nd time around, I was the fool volunteering. I became emotional a couple of times, with this fear in me he would do it again (mind you, NOT because he did it once before, but because of the way he was talking this time around about still seeing these other women...)

 

Long story long, he began to push me away again with the things he was saying. Trying to blame everything that ever happened on me. Right down to the cheating he did on me years ago when we were together. The ass**** tried to tell me I drove him to it (my jealousy) LOL Really?? Mind you, my jealousy grew from his words and behaviors and how he referred to women and sex. Deep down, I guess I knew it was a matter of time. It began to come out my pours, but I stayed with him at that time, because I wanted to be wrong. I just wanted him to want to be with me. Until I was a shaking mess, he was out cheating and trying to tell me I was crazy. (well, I was. I mean I was afterall with 'him')

 

This time around, he pushed me away again as I mentioned. "it's not going to ever work." "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He was lying again. Grandious comments. Ego the size of the Atlantic ocean. Pompous. "i didnt use you, I could lay anyone I wanted to." Stuff like that. (nice huh.) Asking me 200x why I want to be with him. But no answer ever meaning a hill of beans. He just wanted to hear an answer to make himself feel better. never once did that man ever tell me why he wanted to be with me. This time, he was telling me he didnt. Ok.. up to date (although believe me when I tell you I didnt even skim the surface with stories of this guy.)

 

So finally, I let it go. Waved the white flag. It hurt to much to be rejected. I wasgoing to force myself to move on and began to do a better job this time around. I began no contact with him. I do have something at his house I cant keep with me right now (broken down car) which I know I have to move soon. Believe me, would have moved it, it I had somewhere to keep it. It is in NOOOOO way to keep in contact with him. So, he contacted me three days before Thanksgiving about it. I acknowledged I have to move it in the next few weeks. "K". Then on Thanksgiving he text "happy Thanksgiving." ...... huh?

 

I didnt answer. I came to find out later on, it wasnt a mass text. Ok, I left it alone. I had one weak moment after that day and text him. He didnt answer me. Here we go.. control, control. Thats all this is about for him. So, i said to hell with it. I want to move on from this (and I know he will let me, because he doesnt want me, right???)

 

Three days before Christmas, another text reminding me about the car. What?? Really? I didnt even answer it. Then just three days ago, I got a text from him that said "How are you?" What?? Really??? I didnt answer again. This is the same man who tells me off, wants nothing to do with me, goes to have grass is greener somewhere (everywhere) else. I waited until very late the next day , but I didnt text him how I am. I simply said "A few weeks and the car will be moved."

 

And what did the polite prince write back??? Nothing, of course.

 

I used to be happy to hear anything from him .. now he just makes my stomach sick (so baby, if you ever find this post and know I am talking about you, you make me ill , please go get help.)

 

Their control issues and ways are far worse than anything I have ever known. I have never had a breakup like this. Most people would tell us "all the more reason for you to run and never look back." It may appear that way, yes. But the damage which is done by a manipulating narcissit is taxing. Maybe on a woman who is not as emotional as I, she could walk away like he was never there. But, for me, this has been difficult to completely move on. Even when I dont engage with him, I think about all that went wrong for us. I doubt myself often (because he installed those buttons).....

 

These are inscure men. Just remember, only insecure men have to hurt and abuse women. I still cry. I cried tonight. because as I said.. "he wanted to be left alone. ok, I did that now. so, why must he bother me?" To inflict pain and because he think he can I guess. I dont want it in my lfe any longer though. I want to be totally moved on from this soon and I hope you will be as well. A new lease on life. Good luck to you.

[Happyhappyjoy]

My ex was one too. He was controlling and whiny and everything revolved around him forget your feelings it is all about me, me,me. He wound up breaking up with me and shortly found a new girl ( talk about quick!) He will charm her too and soon his true personality will come and he will keep doing it over and over again because those kind of self centered people never change.

[TessaB]

Oh boy. Like so many others, I read the OP and then this entire thread and started crying. This is so very similar and almost scary that my ex has a lot of these traits. I never knew while I was in the relationship, or at least didn't acknowledge. Other people did, and of course tried to fill me in but it's hard when you are in the relationship. It has been 2 months since our breakup, after a two year relationship (never broke up during it, but now have the feeling he may have cheated (if not physically, then emotionally). He broke up with someone right before me, but said the break up was imminent for awhile, so I didn't think too much of it. The good times were so good, and then some struggles came, which I didn't think were that big of a deal, but it's then when he started saying, we don't connect on a 'deep' enough level, we don't have 'enough' sex, he loved my independence, but in the same breath told me I needed to be more 'disciplined.' He broke up with me because he didn't feel 'strongly enough.' And, less than two months later told me he had feelings for someone else, someone he met while we were together but swears up and down she had nothing to do with our breakup, it was our own issues that did it. There are just so many examples now that I think back of him being an N. No close friends, people telling me they thought I 'changed' him for the better. He obviously didn't see that. At the beginning he was so into me, almost to the point where I pulled back a bit. I was in control. Now he uses those 'charms' for someone else.

 

I am struggling. Struggling to figure out what is real, struggling to figure out if the good times were really good or if they were all in my head. I feel guilt, I feel like I am being blamed. My practical head says...no, this is not all my fault. But my other thoughts and my heart just can't accept it. So sad and heartbroken and trying to sort my thoughts out...it is so difficult. And, of course with his 'new girl' I think...well maybe she'll be the one that can change him. I so hope that I can get over this and be ok with me before he finds the one that will change him.

 

I feel like my head and heart are so confused. I can't grasp someone like this, I don't get it and I wish I didn't fall into the trap.

[californiagal]

I wrote on this thread awhile ago, when the damage was fresher. I just wanted to share with those of you who are still hurting what'a happened with me since, to help you see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I used my bad experience with the narc to make me better - smarter, tougher, stronger, more genuine, more appreciative. I used him to better see the many good people in my life - the people who genuinely enjoy me, the people who make me smile. I used him as a meter of self-improvement - I got a better job than he has, am in much better shape, and put my efforts in being a better, warmer human being. It hurt for a long time, yes, because I had let this person influence my own self-respect. But as time went by, I just realized, "wait a minute, what's happened here. Before i met this guy, I used to feel sexy, I used to feel pretty cheerful, I used to have a normal level of confidence. Where did my mojo go?". So I focused less on the pain and the wrongness- because there was nothing more to say, was there? His behaviour was ugly. Allowing myself to be treated that way was wrong- and began focusing more on what makes me feel like me. Narcissists tear down your self-respect, but you can rebuild it. You can always rebuild it. I started with the small things, asking myself, "does it make sense to pick up the phone on a man who flirts with other women just to get cheap attention? does it make sense to return a text from a "boyfriend" who never asked you how you were doing when you had the flu?" and that's how I made it through no contact, by reminding myself that it didn't make sense to return ugliness, narcissism and selfishness with even the most basic politeness. And then I started doing little things for myself to make me feel lighter again. I tried to remember who I was before.

And it's worked. I don't regret my narcissist, because thanks to him I now feel stronger than i ever have in my life. I can kick his *ss around he block professionally, socially, personally. He's actually scared of me now - that I will tell the world about his money troubles and his sexual dysfunction. He's toeing the line so I won't.

Dealing with a narcissist is a war for your self-respect. Fight their taking this from you with every ounce left in you, and YOU be the one to grind them in the ground. Narcissists push people to breaking- but desperate people can be capable of superhuman strength. You have that superhuman strength.

[meoww]

If he is a narcissist, it doesn't mean he didn't feel anything... and he is most likely not self aware at all. The relationship was real, just not deep.

 

For narcissists, they just don't form the deep connections with an individual that they should. So it wasn't that it wasn't real for him, it is more that his reality is very wide, but not deep.

 

In a way, healing from a narcissist can be easier from the standpoint you can recognize it wasn't that he loved YOU and YOU did something wrong and lost his love. He just needs a constant supply of love and admiration at a level that no relationship can ever fully supply. So you don't at all have to blame yourself or think that the love wasn't real... it just wasn't lasting because it was shallow on his part.

 

This post is almost 4 years old, but it's worth it's weight in gold. It is so comforting!