jjbinks

Romantically, I have made some progress. In my defense, ben has stuck around until very recently so getting over that really wasn’t an option for me as quickly as I had hoped. We spent last new years together, iknow its quite silly for me to still sit here crying, but I might as well let it out. After all I always say, whats the point of feeling something if you don’t profess it, you will still feel it regardless. The truth is I am in an inbetween motion now. I have dated other people, I have gone through the motions of replacing what we were, or rather starting over with someone new. But I have not opened myself to love. I guess its taking me a little longer to get over the deeper memories we shared or that maybe I shared with myself and you weren’t there for. I think talking with you in the future is quite pointless and will always be painful. Because you represent someone who has given up on me, never properly closed the book and has himself moved on. February I spent trying to forget you, and you spent trying to convince me I shouldn’t then your big moment valentines day, was terrible. A complete flop where I decided I never wanted to see you again. March april may we exchange a few lost emails, silly small talk here and there. I meet someone. May I come home I see you a couple of times and you tell me you love me.. july 4gh, I want to give it a chance again but you mysteriously don’t want a gf. Because secretly you met someone. I am heartbroken yet again because part of my heart was holding out for you. We don’t speak unless I drunk dial you, I get sick of it when I reach the apex of my craziness in late july early august and scream and cry like a year old asking you to love me.. I go back to school. I block your number so I cant contact you.. September, or october emails start, I ask you to come out and you say perhaps we skype and I feel connected again.. November you tell me you are officially with someone. I feel and think I am over it completely, really didn’t even phase me after all I am dating again. Facebook friends.. your profile picture is her.. posted pictures of you too together. Nilam. December I come home winter break. Our first runin since july 4th. Things feel the same to me. At the table I almost went to hold your hand. We joke, we laugh, its awkward because we both brought friends and couldn’t say the things we wanted. Or maybe that was just me. Its amazing how one moment can feel one incredible moment in time to me, and a blank of space to you. Guess its true I always saw the good in you, and you never saw anything in me.. stupidly get some wine and liquid courage to tell you I miss you and that I wish I could see you again even though I know I wont. You tell me I shouldn’t be sending you messages like that. I get really angry. I tell you I didn’t think some girl that took you 6 mos to commit to was more important to someone you wanted to propose to. You say “dude its been a year get over it” i feel a deep sinking feeling. You aren’t the same. “dude” what are you 12? Suddenly I feel 30. I feel as if I was some 21 year old you used to fill space and realize that I was. I tell you that I was just a 21 year old place holder amongst some other heavy words and end with something along the lines of it hasn’t been a year I saw you on valentines day and spent the year talking with you until I came home and something happened.. you started dating her and it should’ve been me. Couldn’t have possibly sounded more desperate there but again I was feeling it, so I let it out,.. I then proceeded to delete the application that I was texting you from so I couldn’t see the response because I know I couldn’t handle it. Considering how your previous text was a command that I should stop texting you. Or someone as over it as you, I wonder why you met me in west chester the other night. Why you still have tagged pictures of us on facebook. Why it took you until I was near coming home to tell me you were dating someone. My heart is broken. There is no one to blame. I did all that I could do and I have exhausted all the ways to make you see what you wont. There isn’t going to be another moment in time for us. Its kind of like that pipeline thing you were talking about. Im stuck trying to think about one where we can exist and you’ve hopped onto a new one, opening yourself up to love again. True ive been dating again, but I guess not for real. More like, I want attention, or this will pass time. Maybe its time to let someone else try to love me too. That still burns to say. I just wish I had held you longer.. kept you closer. Maybe I wouldn’t miss you so much now. “You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because im not who I used to be. No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise both a beginning and an end but now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident” “leaving everything behind but even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete. In the city where we still reside, and I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men. Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides. Like brothers on a hotel bed” Its over, and not just for now as I have been living. Its over forever. You missed the pipeline. And heres to looking at you kid. I guess the truth is, it takes a lot for me to genuinely, really, fully, let someone inside my heart. I let you in somewhere I had never even seen myself before. And was hurt so badly that I closed myself off to letting anyone else in. that space where you were right now feels as though it can only be filled by you. But for you love is just love and I was just a girl. So its time to throw you away. As hard as it is. Not just surface recycle bin throw you away, but wipe the hard drive of memories and songs, thoughts, and deepest memories in pockets of my hearts away. So someone else can start to build a space to stay. She has stolen your space, and as much as I am hurting, jealous, sad, disappointed, stupidly still partially in love with the man you are, I hope she loves and sees you for all the man that I saw. I hope you love her for all she is and she makes you happy. I have breathed you in for the last time, and I finally think I want to let go. Not just for now, not just for a hope not just for you, not because I have to, but for ME. So I can meet the person maybe I have already met but have secretly been incapable of loving because I left my heart with you. But now its mine. And I think this year, I want to keep it for me. Because after all, I know I wont break it.

Quote for inspiration seeing as I'm still not fully over my ex who has been a total ass to me .. " Damaged people are dangerous they know they can survive" also eat pray love great movie

i dont want to care anymore

its quite silly for me to be back here. but im back in the area for winter break, stupidly readded you to facebook and saw all of the mushy pictures of you and your new girlfriend. its funny how fine i was until i saw you. quite honestly, i am still much more fine than i ever have been but i'd be lying if i told you there wasnt still a place for you buried in my heart nuzzled where you used to have a place. its amazing to me how fast you replace me... just last year we spent new years together, holding each other and crying. feeling like we were each others worlds. because we were. and no one has been in that nook, that place you were in my heart, that puzzle piece, since you. the fact that the position means so little to you is so hurtful. i was in west chester 2 nights ago, and you met up w me.. it makes me wonder, did you meet up with your ex when you were with me without telling me? was i just as meaningless as this girl is? did you make our relationship status private to others? i love how casually you say " i took her to nyc, you know just like i did with you". as if we are on the same level already.. guess we are.. guess some 20 year old college girl is as good as me.. guess i was just someone to you.a placeholder for the next one.. i always thought i was the needy one, the one who couldnt be alone. guess i was wrong. because you are the one settling into someone new.i thought seeing you would help me.. help me realize how i would never date you now. and the truth is, if i met you now, i wouldnt consider you. but somehow seeing you transports me. sends me back to a time when things were good even at my worst. when we were sitting at that table i wanted to reach out and grab your hands and hold them. just like i would have. and for some dumb reason, i felt energy in the air, as if you felt the same thing.. but thats the funny part about people, i can feel amazing, fleeting rich deep emotions, and at that very same instant in time you may feel nothingness. which is probably true, considering how you dont even want to talk to me. how still this stupid 2 mo relationship is more important to you.. im pretty bitter. thats obvious. mostly because of how much i still feel, even ayear later, despite you being the worst boyfriend. because of how passionately i loved you. i would've given anything for us to be okay. and still, you are indifferent, cool, casual, collected. over it. i just dont understand why i cant see you for who you are? a man who no longer cares about me. who no longer cares if he ever saw me again in his entire life

This is the first time I am posting on here not wishing with all my heart that you would love me or something me. This isn't even something to do that much with you, I just enjoy and feel safer posting to a quiet audience who won't inflict their beliefs on my thoughts, but at the same time I know someone somewhere is hearing and seeing it. I thought for a long while what I needed was self identity to be cured. Now that I have a job and I'm working hard at school, I barely have a momentary glance to myself but guess what? There's a void still. Even though I have goals, aspirations, I'm learning new thongs, I know me there's still a gaping hole. I guess that tells me I'm no longer codependent but that my belief that I could make myself entirely happy with distractions and things isn't true.. I guess in a paradoxical way finding myself the way I did showed me how wrong I was. The wording doesn't show the paradox in my head that I'm trying to voice.the thought passed. I'm happy though because becoming this "newer, better independent self suffiencent" perfect person that everyone says I should be showed me how flawed that person is. How much richer, deeper, more soulful the person I want to be is. I lost sight of who I was and more importantly why. I think it's important to be driven, self sufficent, but to the point where you slave away for 15 hours a day to accumulate things and you neglect all the people around you without a moment to smell the roses isn't what I want. I want to be successful, very successful, but I want color. I want smells, tastes, love. Not just someone to have, but someone who knows my soul who shares my dreams. I want time to live and read and love each other. Not just spend money to fabricate a romance we never had. Now that is what I'm longing for instead of missing the pathetic relationship we shared. I met this guy, Christian, he's from Italy and he's beautiful. He speaks four different languages, he's successful, but he has a passion for life too, like me. He made love to me the first time we did it in a way you never had the entire year we were together. It wasn't animalistic whatsoever, he carried meninto his room and held me the whole time. Never breaking glance from my eyes. I don't know him very well yet, who knows what will happen. But I saw how much more there is to people and relationships than what we "had". Probably more than Christian is out there too. And I will not settle until the guy who believes in romance the way I do finds me. Now I know he will. Love is as magical as a person chooses to make it and I should've never given up that belief and wasted a year with you. I wish you well, but I do not want you back.

I miss you today , does it matter? No. You will never possibly understand the way I feel right now in the context of us. Just with someone else maybe you will. You won't love me back again. It's ridiculous that I should miss you. I hate this situation and you for being such a cold loveless * * * * .

I have been missing you a lot lately. I'm so stupid I even told you, but of course you ignored me.. It's time. I can feel myself letting go but this time it's different ben, I'm going to expell you no matter what. Even if you begged me back I will be armed to say no this time. No matter what, I'm done being a pawnZ it's bittersweet, all hope is dying. But you did this. Not me. Goodbye old lover.

I wanna snuggle.. Not a new uncomfortable snuggle w someone. But the broken in snuggle we shared. The sacred snuggle of us. I watched a movie today w an adorable smart boy and I envisioned our kid, the one we could've had. I miss you. I miss us. I miss our snuggle

IF you don't miss what we had by now, you won't. I know it's true, it still saddens me and i don't think I've accepted it yet.. Part of me still wants you to fight. But at the very same time it's like waiting for Santa clause..

I feel like crap today. Absolute crap. I'm in bed and I can't get out. I don't understand why you can't just answer me with something??????? What is wrong w u? I hate that I am so effing powerless to this situation. I am ready to give you up so I can finally change. You cause me to feel so much when you feel nothing in return and I'm so incredibly frustrated with you I can't even describe it.

Pretty sure I Hate you. You have no right to continuously wile me up for no effing reason and ignore me. I want to find someone else, I want to move on and I never want to think about you again. Let alone feel a thing for such a useless cause . I don't understand why you insist on constantly reminding me how you don't want me? Seriously? You have no idea how much you still affect me. You really don't care either. I bet your week has been perfect and maybe you even banged a few chicks. Well guess what??? I've been emotional all week bc of you. And I'm tired of it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waste of useful energy on YOu??! Really! A cheater!! I'm so mad at myself I could scream. Disappear already.

I miss you. I wish in some ways you didn't contact me, bc now I feel like I'm starting again and I think about you more. Even when I emailed you, after you contacted me, you cant even email me back? I guess you really didn't ever feel anything for me.. Yet you still love to destroy me time after time after time. Thanks for that, guess this was proof I still need more strength. So next time no matter what I don't contact you. Bc you really don't deserve it. You are a jerk. I want u to want me, I need you to need me, but you forgot me and I died to you.

I miss you

I'm having a really tough day today.. Toughest I've had in a while and I'm so stupid I contacted you.. You were my best friend and I still miss you. Even if I shouldn't. I do

You texted me last night.. I guess blocking your number only blocks incoming calss from you. It was strange what you texted, a video of u at skeillex with a smiley face. As if we talk every day and I'm some girl you are bragging to that you are there.. I'm not even worth an I miss u text to you. I'm just someone you think will always be there no matter how much you step on me. Well I may be stupid to still have feelings for you, but I'm not a doormat: you don't want me . I'm nothin but a last resort to you and you somehow feel the need to continue to remind me of that. Of how happy you are and of how much you dont want to be with me. But this time I didn't even respond, because I dont deserve it and instead of just saying it to convince myself I believe it. When have you ever fought for me? NEVER! And you never will. And I want someone to do just that there are guys in my life just as successful smart and sweet as you that actually want a chance with me and fight for it. Who do you think you are? I don't need some pity party from you every month to remind me you don't want me. Guess what ? I don't want someone who can't try to love me or fight to save his life. Hope the meaningless handcuff sex is going good for you.