Hardest part about breaking up with a Narcissist is...

[shaylady]

Im so glad you posted because as I was getting to the end of this thread, i was wondering how you were doing. All of this confirms that I love a text book narcissist. It is amazing how you read articles and books and it tells you about the person you love. He does everything described above in this thread and when he cut me off cold turkey i was devasted. I had to do a lot of reading to answer my own questions and reslove my own issues with him. They leave you with unanswered questions and doubt because they want to make sure they hold a piece of you to keep you from being able to move on while he is gone. Of course he makes contact after the holidays ONLY BECAUSE I saw his brother at the store and I was up beat -happy, not depressed, dressed well, not the wo-ez me i'm sad clothes, the brother hugged me and I made sure I did not ask about HIM. I think the brother went back saying some postive things because up pops the text messages from the ex. He tried to break me and knowing that I was happy and back to my old self (which I give credit to reading everything on Narcissism on the bounce back) was his PREYING challenege to make contact with me.

 

Knowing he didn't break me was a challenge again for him. He wanted to see if he could come back in and control me and try to bring me to a low point again. The fact that I felt so good and not threatened that he'd suck me back in is why I actually entertained him wanting my advice on things and trying to use his kids as a way to see me. He soon tried to go there with what he was trying to do. He wanted to be able to come to me and bond when he wanted to feel wanted. He is a user that comes back to me expecting for me to pick him up and make him feel better about the mess he has created in his life. He admitted a lot of things and was actually apologetic. He said he knew he had to make things right with me because he felt things that he had done to me and no one supports or see him the way I do. (meaning I mustve been a real sucker). He said he felt like he told me too much and saw me as the enemy when he confided in me with all of his business. I think he wanted to actually take credit or associate himself with me for my COME BACK- not being torn down as bad as I was when he left me.

 

All I know is that as long as I don't give in to what he wants which is to penetrate - he will forever be the type of person He thinks I want to hear from, talk to or text. He will be consistent with this act as long as I don't give him what he is trying to conquer. I could actually flip this and pay him back but it is not even worth it. I'm in a place of progress in my life and I have decided not to continue to be his come to for advice act he continues to pull.

[marconi68]

Wow, so many people in here with similar stories. Studies suggest that there is a global increase in narcissism reaching epidemic proportions. 75% are male but women are catching up fast. Sites like Facebook are narcissistic in its very nature. X Factor and Big Brother also. Some people think they don't need talent just the ego and drive. Me me me me me me.

I don't know if my ex was a narcissist but certainly had the traits, some to extreme. She thought she was stunning looking, better than everybody, sense of entitlement and grandiose. Lack of empathy, very little conscious. Liked to point out other peoples flaws. But try doing it to her she would shout you down.

The good thing of having an ex like that is you can look at yourself and say - I never want to be like that.

[edithb]

If he is a narcissist, it doesn't mean he didn't feel anything... and he is most likely not self aware at all. The relationship was real, just not deep.

 

For narcissists, they just don't form the deep connections with an individual that they should. So it wasn't that it wasn't real for him, it is more that his reality is very wide, but not deep.

 

It's a good way of putting it, but I would add that they lack the full range of emotions available to people who are less damaged. IN my experience, there are some emotions which they feel very deeply, and without restraint, such as shame and hatred. When they extoll how loving and caring they are, they are not being on the level. They are fully aware of and suffer from the fact, that they cannot connect with other people. When they make a big fuss over falling in love, they are really trying to talk themselves into it. In fact the whole relationship is a relationship in which they are only feeling and seeing their own emotions. You become a proxy in the game they play with themselves, they can never trust you enough, meet you half way, appreciate what you give them or who you are, because they can never step outside of their bubble of self masturbation. They seek happiness by making you an extension of themselves, and by making you completely responsible for their needs and feelings. This is their idea of happiness. They never appreciate what you do for them, because they cannot see or acknowledge that everything doesn't come from them, and isn't in their control.

In fact it's easy for us to understand them because everyone has narcissistic traits, it's part of our evolution in childhood to go through such a phase. The problem is that they didn't develop further, they never developed an ability for empathy, to see other people as distinct from themselves.

I think the best way to get over breaking up with a N, is to accept just how helpless and how crippled they are. It's really like emotional autism. It's very hard to disengage for 'normal' people, because we are just as vulnerable, or perhaps more so, since we are more complicated, and can sustain bonds with others despite obvious obstacles and even against our self interest. We are usually pulled in by their cry for help, their need to bond, and not just by their promises and enthusiasm for us.

I think it's not wrong to think of them as sort of monsters, because they are people who have scar tissue stopping them from being able to develop into full fledged individuals with a distinct sense of self. They cannot grow, they can at most become more self aware, but this doesn't 'heal' them, it only forces them to live with the despair of knowing how alone they are. I can understand this desperation, not wanting to live with this knowledge. They unload their baggage onto their partners, and we are then forced to feel their pain for them,and then be the victim of their desperate attempts to blame us for their inadequacy. But we are at least able to grow from this experience if we want to. Our options are more varied than theirs, we can learn and evolve, they have only this one primitive coping mechanism ( which also makes them dangerous and scary). WE have to accept that we are dealing here with Quasimodo, and that his hunchback cannot be operated on, but we also have to accept how much all this hurt us. It is traumatizing, even the most quasi 'healthy' person can be traumatized by the pathology of another if they become very intimate with them. A way to heal is to achieve 'radical acceptance', the idea is that you have to accept both the facts as they are, and also the fact that you don't like it. all the painful feelings associated with accepting it. And also forgive yourself for resisting this understanding in the past, of wanting to believe that you could fix them, that they needed you, that they loved you ect. It's all part of a desperate dance that flows from the need of the N, to make a connection when he lacks the tools to really achieve this with anyone.

[Coconut Twin]

Oh how i relate... *sighs*

[Coconut Twin]

edit edit edit ****

[luvr62]

Wow I am just going thru this myself and know exactly how your feeling. Just educating myself on the narcissist has really helped me to understand how to deal, but loving that person is a bit toxic and remind myself. You post was very helpful (and echoed my exact situation); things will get better with time.

[EmmaB78]

I found the posts people wrote on the dudes glorifying young women and glorifying your own body especially interesting. I've always had some self-esteem issues re: looks, and one thing that I liked in my ex was how he was CONSTANTLY complimenting my body and CONSTANTLY wanted me to be naked. And that's great and all, but, quite frankly, I DON'T have a perfect body. And while I'd never want a guy who was criticizing me, it really started to feel disingenuous when he started comparing me to, say, Christina Hendricks. Um...thanks, but, no. I do not look like that, and never will.

 

Meanwhile, he had this whole harem of 20-something (mid to early-20 something) female "friends" that he was constantly texting/talking about. And I met a few, and, honestly, they seemed a bit weirded out by him. If a 37-year old man is stopping by a 20-year old girl's job at a retail shop to have lunch with her in the food court....there's something weird about him. I remember meeting this one girl in particular, about 25, who he used to work with. We went to her work, and he came up behind her and tickled her, and she was just like, "Oh, hi." Then he made her show us all around his old place of work, and she seemed EXTREMELY uncomfortable the whole time. At the end, he gave her this long, lingering hug. He had told me about her way before I met her and had said that I reminded him of her and went on about it so much that I finally said, "Well, why didn't you ever date her?" He told me that they were just never single at the same time, but that they had both admitted that they wanted to sleep with each other. Well, let's just say that when I met her...she didn't give me that vibe at all. She gave me the vibe of someone who was annoyed that this older dude was so clueless. He also texted her one night when he was with me to tell her she just HAD to do x,y,z (something for her career) or he would think less of her. She wrote him back that she was at a party and would talk to him later. Poor girl. Course, that's what she probably thought when she met me as well, lol.

[Snowy]

So after reading this thread, I think my ex was a narcissist too. lol.

 

They always need a constant supply of ego boosts from different sources don't they? You just can't fulfil them.

[bananashake]

Do narcissist ever feel bad for the pain they've caused someone?

 

If Narcissist are such cold ppl, why do they run with their tail between their legs when you shake their apple tree? They obviously have enough feelings to get upset and run. or, is someone like this not a Narc?

I can remember questioning some BS that my ex was doing early in the rship. And I called him out on it. Next thing I know, he disappeared one me - no return calls, texts, he blocked me on FB. When he finally called me a week later, he said he was "scared I was going to hurt him (emotionally)." I was careful to never shake him up like that again because God Forbid I hurt him. And then the night of the BU, I had enough and said a lot of hurtful (but true) things to him. And poof, he was GONE. And I haven't heard form him since then. I confused because he has all the classic Narc signs, but my understanding of narcs, they rarely feel pain??

[Snowy]

They could feel bad, but it's not bad enough for them to stop what they do.

[Emma8]

I do wonder if my ex was this. Emotionally and verbally abusive and I always thought had BPD, but this is similar too. Very selfish, hated insults on him (even jokes) but would happily insult and put down others, always wanting attention from me, or other girls (emailing) very narrow minded and had very strong opinions of his own, would never try and see other points of view, no feeling of guilt towards abusing me, didnt care about anyone elses feeling unless he would get attention from it, overpowering on the love and promises of marriage and kids, moved the relationship forward very quickly then left just as quickly, dramatic mood swings, sulking if didnt get own way, always breaking his promises, the list goes on.......

 

I dont know what he was. But I know he wasnt nice to me.

[Never2Late]

I know how you all feel, and believe me when I say that I admire you and the love you can feel in your heart. I know you are hurt now, you have never felt like this before in your life. Perhaps, you have had better relationships in the past and when they ended you were not feeling this bad.

 

I was connected (I now refuse to call it "a relationship") to a woman who has literally managed to manipulate and screw my head up. Yeah, my fault, I know...I allowed her to do that...but I was in love...sigh sigh... Someone with BPD and NPD, semi-divorced...

 

A living Hell! And the aftermath is even more painful and devastating, especially if you know that they are "already" with someone else...

 

My "instinct" was telling me to ruuun away all the times...but I was deaf, I was in love. "I had never felt like that before", sounds familiar?!

 

How do you recover from these people?! Is there a cure at all?! Time seems to be helping...not!

 

The sad thing is that she doesn't even know that she is so core-damaged - she sees herself as "an angel", "a good and naïve girl". Oh, God!

 

I am glad I was brave enough to dump her, and when you are in love and love the person, it's so damn difficult and bloody hard. It's so strange how you can miss these miserable human beings (and I am not taking this back!) but miss less your previous exes, which now seem to be so better and gracious than this last, crazy one!

 

Lesson: DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU! You can't save them!

[endor]

Wow, this explains quite a lot of her behavior during the relationship and after the BU.

 

The hardest part is that I'm not perfect and I remember past arguments where I was wrong. I apologized and felt really guilty afterwards but nevertheless, sometimes it makes me think that there is truth in what she said.

That it's all my fault. That I made her like this. That I was abusive. That I treated her badly and that she'll find someone else that will treat her the right way.

 

The guilt and sadness becomes overwhelming. It seems as if it resets any progess I've made.

 

How do you deal with that? I can't help myself.

Why did she say that? Why couldn't she just give me the lame "It's not you. It's me." speech.

[Colour Me Once]

I do wonder if my ex was this. Emotionally and verbally abusive and I always thought had BPD, but this is similar too. Very selfish, hated insults on him (even jokes) but would happily insult and put down others, always wanting attention from me, or other girls (emailing) very narrow minded and had very strong opinions of his own, would never try and see other points of view, no feeling of guilt towards abusing me, didnt care about anyone elses feeling unless he would get attention from it, overpowering on the love and promises of marriage and kids, moved the relationship forward very quickly then left just as quickly, dramatic mood swings, sulking if didnt get own way, always breaking his promises, the list goes on.......

 

I dont know what he was. But I know he wasnt nice to me.

 

 

this is textbook - and exactly what mine did. Firmly believe my ex had NPD after researching it. It left me really chilled, but the hardest part to deal with is the knowledge that they dont take any responsibility and move on so quickly - they'll never get sad, never regret what they did, empathise with you.

I stayed so long in my rs because I took on board everything he siad - all the times he told me I was to blame, everything was my fault, he wouldnt be like that if I had behaved better/differently, why can't I be more like this/that/etc.

I changed so much, tried so hard, became an absolute shell, always trying to please him. But you cant please these people because even when you are your wonderful perfect self they dont have it in themselves to enjoy, appreciate or love. Its just dead space. And when they are tired of you they'll make damn sure everything you do is wrong and you know it.

[rig01]

Wow. It's amazing to see so many people describe what seems like the same person. No friends, multiple breakups, drops people if they don't serve her purposes, huge prolonged mood swings, cheating, lying... ugh.

 

During our breakups (3 in total), she was able to identify that she had problems, and admitted some things about herself that she never admitted when we were together. This last time she was even in tears once because she felt guilty for breaking my heart. But she still exhibits all the classic signs of NPD/BPD, and then she jumped right into a relationship with someone else immediately, before I even moved out.

 

So I wonder if they just have these weird little moments of clarity when they're briefly single, and then once it gets too scary for them to figure out who they are when they're single, they have to cling onto someone new? Makes sense in a really warped way.

 

I just wish I could rebuild myself. 3 months NC since I moved out, nearly 6 months since BU, and I'm still just barely getting by. She shattered my self-esteem. I'm getting better, but some days it's like the wound is still brand new.

[EmmaB78]

I don't think my ex was actually a narcissist, although he does have some of the traits. He can be pretty cold, but I always sort of thought it was covering up hurt - not really genuine. I did find it interesting that someone called it "emotional autism" though as my ex used to constantly say that he was "a little autistic," and even bought a few books to help him read people's emotions better. And I also have no doubt that the second he gets a chance, he'll jump into a new relationship - could be in one already for all I know.

[alexia29]

The hardest thing after dealing with a Narc for 2 years on and off was letting go of the idea that he was great and I was the issue in the relationship.

He was my first boyfriend and because he had had a lot more dating experience before me I counted that he knew how relationships were supposed to run and I thought the way he acted was normal and that I was the oddball.

Trying to redefine the normal (someone who actually gives a * * * * about your feelings and if they hurt you or not) and surviving the break up without BECOMING LIKE HIM was/is hard.

[LisainFL]

Hi Never2Late , Well I can only tell you what has helped me ...knowing they are "ill" has me understanding him In a whole new light. Do I miss him..Sure.. But In retrospect that it's not a "real" person that I missed or a true connection(like none other)that I've felt but, The charade that was sold to me.They are poor desperate injured souls with need of prayer THERE IS NOTHING I REPEAT NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP THEM ....GOD.. Help them. I feel sorry for what they go though but, we cannot stand in front of a moving bus and not be destroyed!!WE JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY!!,Lisa

[lioness101]

You guys are all talking about something I have also just broken away from. A very high profile guy who outwardly appears to be quite the hero! However the patterns and descriptions match perfectly what I am reading here. I am blogging about my personal journey and feel absolutely great being apart from him. I almost observered in some ways from outside while being in the relationship because my inner voice knows what he is and have learned many lessons. It's all made me stronger. There is the empath in me who has justified what he did because having seen many dynamics of his life I can see where it comes from and rationalised his behaviour. I loved him for sure and understand the elements of his intellectual brilliance that I found attractive and that he behaves to meet his current needs and indeed people are objects to him. He refers to people as 'the blonde' (me but we all had our names, though only women I noticed). It's good to learn from it, ask ourselves why we fell for the initial adoration and ignored our inner voice and move right on without looking back. That way we can heal from the trauma and enjoy life with someone who deserves us.

[lianluo]

Well hello everyone; I have the distinct displeasure of joining the club of Narcissist Survivors, LOL, and I am very grateful for the stories and support of communities and boards such as this. They remind me that there is really no sense in trying to hang in there and that things will change. I was deployed to Afghanistan for six months and during that time, Mr. Perfect, went completely cold and uncaring on me...not a warm email or indication of love, concern etc. It took that experience to bring me to look up personality traits and led me to Narcissism, what a kick in the gut to read the checklists and to see that he fit 90% of the traits...and then the sickening realization there is little to nothing I can do. It leaves me sad and empty because like so many of you, he swept me off my feet and he seemed so right for me and there were some good times. But there were those red flags also, that I would wonder about, but sweep aside-because of the good parts. Sigh. Now that I've seen the light, so to speak, I let him know it's time to end it and now I am getting the depressed, sorrowful texts and voicemails. But none of it is about anything other than him. I'm hear to add my voice to the rest of you and to stay strong in light of his messages.

[angeldolly]

I just went thru & read every post on this thread. Ive been a basketcase for 2 months now as my fiance broke up with me after 7 years. He has so many traits of a narcisist. I even told him that a month ago not really reading ALL of the traits & knowing exactly what they were. But after reading all of this I have no doubt that is exactly what he is. He thinks of himself as a genius, knows everything about everything, has very few friends, always hated and criticized everyone of my friends & family. He chased me at the beginning telling me how wonderful I was, smart, beautiful, sexy, what a wonderful person I was. Showered me with gifts, compliments & love. But he was very jealous even of my children. He always thought I was cheating on him. accused me of looking at other men when we were out somewhere. I was too nice to his friends etc. It got to the point we didnt do much but stay home. Then he started to withdraw from me, picked at everthing I did, told me he was tired of doing everything for me. Then one night he told me he met someone else a week earlier and we were done. But, he didnt want to not have me in his life! So he calls me every day, texts me, we even started having sex again. But it had to be on his terms, when he wanted me. If I called him or texted if he didnt want to be bothered at the time he wouldnt get back to me until he was ready. I finally told him just this week I couldnt do this anymore & if I couldnt have all of him I didnt want any of him. Of course he thinks Im just saying that because he is so wonderful. The truth is I said it because I do love him and it was just too hard for me when I knew he was seeing someone else. Now after reading this thread...wow..Im going to have to rethink the last 7 years. He complained about his ex wife the whole time we were together & now he says Im like her and this new one is the one who understands him! I told him he said the same exact thing to me at the beginning. All I can say is im so glad I read this thread. Thank you everyone!

[Trinity11]

Interesting thread. Thanks for digging it up..I know its not that scientific but i got this from Wiki answers it fits my ex to a tea!

Another thing that I notice is that he doesn't talk about childhood experiences. He does however tell of all of the mean people that did him wrong. He is eternally the victim. No matter how much pain you have experienced, his is always greater. When you fight about anything, he will accuse you of the very thing that he is guilty of. When he has done something really wrong to you, and you find out, instead of soothing you, he will just get angry at you.

He thinks that every woman wants him, when in fact most are rolling their eyes at his ridiculous behavior. He works on himself not the relationship.

 

There were reference about not being able to hold a job (doesn't like to be bossed) and being bad with bills-but in my case this was not an issue.

The thought never crossed my mind that, with his strange behavior (initially he flipped when I touched his neck)he might in fact be a narcissist. I have never really known one (that i know of) This thread gave me food for thought for sure. Ill be avoiding it in the future.

 

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[Cookie12]

Wow. So glad I randomly found this thread.. it may not be active anymore, but I had to post my experience, if only to continue to validate my feelings. I'm so shocked at how similar my experiences are to everyone else's!

 

I am in the beginning stages of breakup with an N - this is the second time we have dated, first was for 3 years, then broke up for about a year, and have recently been together for another year. I had no idea he was an N, or anything about this, until just a few days ago, and now I realize that things will never, ever work. Things have gotten progressively worse this time around.. he does the typical wonderful guy act in the beginning and everything is great. About 4 months ago, he told me (out of nowhere) that we weren't having enough sex and asked what I would think if he slept with other people. Of course this crushed me, mostly because hadn't expressed dissatisfaction with our sex life at all before then! Also, he rarely tried to initiate things, or make me feel sexy in any way. So he was telling me that he was unhappy with our sex life and it was all my fault, and wasn't willing to listen to any of my feelings about the situation. Of course we had a terrible blowout about it, and in the end I agreed to try harder. Lol. It's funny now, looking back on it, how ridiculous it was.

 

He is also the very typical cocky, arrogant, jerk. He says terrible things about people when we are out in public, especially if they are overweight or appear poor or lower class... awful things about how people should die, and he shouldn't have to be around them, as though he's suffering having to breathe the same air as the rest of us. Has virtually no friends. He always made me feel as though I was hopeless with out him, that I couldn't do simple things like paint the house or buy the right kind of (insert product here). He often criticized my parenting, the way I talk, the way I load the dishwasher. He also talks all the time about his grandiose plans, about how he is going to become a rich and famous doctor (he's only completed 2 years of college and even now only attends sporadically - he's 33). Meanwhile, he sits around playing video games all day. He tells me all the time that the way I feel is wrong, that I'm out of touch with reality, or that I'm crazy. He's convinced that I have PMDD and blames it for everything - any time I have any type of concern or complaint that I bring up, he says that it''s my hormones talking and that I have a disorder. But of course, anytime he has complaints or criticism (ALL the time) they are perfectly valid.

 

This last blowout is the last straw. He spoke very rudely to me all day long, and in front of my son (10 years old). When we were alone later, I brought it up and asked him nicely to please try not to speak so disrespectfully to me, especially in front of my son (how stupid that I should have to even ask that of someone!). Of course, he flipped out on me, accused me of hearing things and being crazy, and told me it's my PMDD (it's not even close to that time of the month). He did the typical twisting around words and redirecting the conversation, telling me that te way he spoke to me was MY fault, because of how I treat him, until I was so frustrated I started to cry, at which point he yelled "Look at you, you're having a tantrum!" All I was doing was sitting down and crying quietly while he stood over me flipping out at me, and *I* was having a tantrum?! He did a lot of gaslighting, which he does frequently, telling me that my "perceptions are out of line with reality" and that the way I experience things isn't how they are actually happening. For years I really thought he was right, and that I was depressed and hormonal and crazy... but now I realize that his manipulation was making me that way.

 

Having read all of these posts, and a lot of background info on narcissism, I realize what has been going on. I know now that I have to leave, but I'm worried about how it will go.. last time we broke up, he continued to pursue me for 6 months, until I finally told him that I was seeing someone else. I know he will do the same this time, as he has all the other (short-lived) times we have broken up.. act like it's what he wants, in order to get me to beg him not to go.. and when I don't beg, he'll start calling, texting and coming over with gifts to keep me around. This is the part that I dread, because I so bad at being cold and non-responsive, and I know he will rage. Sigh. I guess I just have to push through it.

[Limiya]

Cookie12,

Reading your post was like looking at my ex too. Lots of similar narcissistic traits there. Especially the arguing and redirecting things back onto us to make us feel like things are our fault. Also the way he would negatively put down other people constantly. Nothing was ever good enough. Even putting down people on tv all the time. I remember several times i would say to him 'Calm down. It's just tv' and he would look embarrassed or pull a face.

Other times i would be told i'm not good enough for this reason or that reason, such as i don't cook enough or cook well enough, or i don't clean as good as he would. etc. Even though he has issues with drink and drugs. That doesn't matter.

Even the screaming tantrums and put downs would make me cry too out of frustration, just like you. Then i would be told i'm like a 'child' for being upset. That i'm not a real woman. If he was in the wrong he would try and turn things around on me to try to justify. Very clever really. Doesn't have many CLOSE friends and lots of people won't work with him because of his behaviour. He can talk down to people easily when he loses his temper and even his own mother.

But he can switch on the charm when needed.

 

These things all start making sense now we're apart. And i have had time to start healing and working on myself. I recognize my codependency as a result of his behaviour.

I do think you will need to end things with your partner if this is how he is. However, you will need to acknowledge the tricks he will use to keep you there. It will be hard, but in the long run. Worth it.

 

All the best.

 

Limiya

[newlife24]

I know people say this all the time, but did I write this?? It's scary how strong and confident I used to be and how easily he tore it down. Stay strong everyone!! We can't let them win!