Colour Me Once

Dear indie band t shirt creep, I think you are an absolutely disgusting human being. Either your a complete narcissist and arent sorry for anything, or those two piffling times you said sorry you meant it. That means you have empathy - so you should always remember what horrible, terrible things you said and did. I'll never get back all the time and effort and love I wasted on you - I went from being a happy, warm bright bubbly girl into an anxious, frightened woman on the edge all the time. You are a selfish, manipulative man and I feel sorry for the silly insecure little girl you're with right now - because its all sunshine and roses and you're making each other feel fantastic right now - but you don care about being a mature man, getting to know someone, working on problems - its your way or nothing. You make me feel so sick and I feel totally ashamed of how much of a year was wasted on you - who mocked sexual abuse, criticized me to a point where I was screaming at you to stop, slapped me right in the face just for smiling, stole money from my wallet and made me go to yours to get it back, lied, didnt even split up with your ex, went straight back to her, bought her presents instead of me, called me annoying in bed, called me repulsive, called me a piece of * * * * , stuffed tissues in my mouth when I was crying, threatened to go to the police because I hit you after you hit me, took photographs of every mark I made after your constant verbal and emotional haranguing, but made me tear a piece of paper with a list of abuse you'd done to me to shreds. Told friends I was paranoid so that I was too embarassed to ever see them again, wouldnt even give me a hug when I was panicking, made me throw out boxes of furniture, food and clothes because you wouldnt carry half of it to yours on the train, with me carrying the other half and store it for me for a few months. Made me call samaritans when I was having a panic attack becayse 'I can't say anything nice to you right now' and sat right next to me silently listening to me sob to them on the phone. I felt so much guilt for my behaviour - did so much self examination and in the end started to hurt myself so I wouldnt lash out at your disgusting emotional abuse. I have a scar on my leg that will never heal and always reminds me of how mad I became with you. I used to be such a happy strong person. I despise you more than anyone else. You were a complete, utter mistake and I cant wait for the day when I forget you. Prancing, make up wearing, arrogant, vain, skinny, shallow, idiot. A grown man who cant chop a vegetable, who cant leave the house without primping himself for two hours, who keeps his age a secret from everyone and is so blindly racist he actually thinks there is scientific evidence to prove one group of women are more attractive than another. Every bloke I've met before and since being with you has been ten steps up on the ladder - especially the one I'm currently with. The kind of insidious control and abuse you did was totally different to the way I lashed out by reaction, yet I was the one blaming myself and feeling guilt, whilst you withdrew basic things from me 'because of my bad behaviour'. Enough. I just want to be free from all this resentment and unbridled hate I have for you. I want to feel sorry for you, as I did when I first met you. I'm getting better slowly. Slowly being the key word. You are the kind of creep that jumps into bed with the next woman a week after you break up. And yet you accuse me of doing that. God knows why I care about your opinion, it is worth absolutely nothing, like you, like your ex turned into from being around you, like I almost became before I saw sense, and like the next poor sod will be once you're done with her.