Hardest part about breaking up with a Narcissist is...

[newlife24]

I feel so bad for all of us. How did this happen to me is what I keep thinking? I'm so much better off without him. The nit picking, criticizing, putting down of my friends and family. He got away with murder and I couldn't do anything right. It was all about mind control. And as far as I'm concerned, someone else can go deal with his head games.

[Waterdave]

It is good to read all these posts and realize that I am not alone.

 

I am a man in my early 40's and was with a woman the same age for almost 4 months. The relationship follows the same pattern as it does for most people posting: we met, hit it off right away, she pursued me, we moved very fast physically, and then she wanted me to move in after a few weeks. I was already enchanted by her and so I did move in (her apartment is right near my office, which was a factor). A few weeks into the relationship, when we were talking about our long term goals, we both talked about wanting to have a family. She said, "I want to have your baby." I thought because of her age, maybe fertility would be an issue, so maybe we should break up, but I had already fallen for her and told her let's date for a while longer before talking about having a baby together. Soon, she asked me to go with her to Asia to meet her parents and we were set to go in a few months.

 

I am fairly certain she is what is called a sexual narcissist. She loved sex and had a very high sex drive, which I loved. She liked to mention little details of her previous sexual experiences with other men, which would upset me, though. I let it go, but now I realize that this was a way to subtly upset me, something that allows the narcissist to have control. It also showed her lack of empathy. One night, at dinner, she blurted out, "Are you gay?" I couldn't believe she was asking me this question. She kept asking as if she were trying to get me to confess. I was in shock that the woman I was in love with, who I had been having lots of sex with, and knew my relationship history already, was asking me this question. I asked her where this question was coming from. She said she didn't know. She couldn't communicate about it. She later apologized. Later, I realized that this was a sign of her personality disorder--it was like I was trying to talk to a 5 year old about emotions. Adding a little drama into the relationship by asking her straight boyfriend if her was gay is part of the narcissist game. Also, it shows the narcissist's insecurity and fear of abandonment.

 

I should have left the relationship at this point, but I decided to forgive her. But I was waking up every night with insomnia and having nightmares, which is not normal for me. This continued throughout the relationship. Other strange things started happening. I dropped my external hard drive and broke it, I dented my car, I lost my checkbook. All not typical for me. I was always sleep-deprived and my work performance was starting to suffer. I should have listened to my gut, which said something was wrong, but I still thought I had met the perfect woman. She always seemed to have a smile on her face, we never argued, and the sex was amazing. We were already living like a married couple. It all seemed too good to be true.

 

During our relationship, she kept wanting to try to make a baby and I kept telling her to please wait until we were together longer and had established a good foundation. For months she kept pushing on me. Friends told me she was using me as a "sperm bank". They told me at her age she is desperate, and manipulating me into getting her pregnant. I confronted her on this and she denied it (of course) and told me she loved me.

 

One weekend, she kept talking about making a baby and a few days later, feeling anxious and very sleep-deprived, I took all my stuff out of her apartment and told her I was moving back into my apartment. I told her we should break up because I thought she was too in a rush to have a baby. I thought she should go to Asia without out me in a few weeks and that after she returned, we would decide if we should stay together.

 

She returned and we got back together and broke up several times for the next few weeks. I told her that we shouldn't talk about a baby and that we should just date. The next day she went to the hospital to start the process of getting her eggs frozen so she could have a baby in the future.

 

Then, a few days later, she said something very strange. When we were having sex, she told me how all her boyfriends told her that she was the "best" they had ever had. I was in shock. I knew we were done. Also, being back together with her after taking a break for 3 weeks, I could already feel how being with her drained my energy, and her insensitive statement, typical of a sexual narcissist, was the last straw.

 

I haven't talked to her for two months. I am amazed at how painful this is. People say that she was just being a typical woman who is in a rush to have a baby, but I realize that there was another dimension, which was NPD. In fact, I believe the desperation to have a baby came from wanting secondary narcissistic supply from her family in Asia.

 

Like all of us here, I feel shame and humiliation. I realized that this woman is not capable of loving anyone and that she never loved me. She just used sex and flattery to secure her narcissistic supply. She gave me a pity story when we met, telling me that she could not get a boyfriend because men are all selfish and they all disappear on her. I wanted to be different. I fell for it.

 

I became addicted to her--the sex, the intensity, wanting to her savior--and so now I have been in withdrawal, recovering from my addiction to this narcissistic woman. Even though I am in pain, I realize I am not a victim. Before meeting her, I was very lonely and longing to get married. I jumped into the relationship too quickly and ignored all the red flags (the pity story, the quick pace, the lovebombing, the strange comments, the sexual grandiosity and insensitivity).

 

I am learning about my codependence, working with a therapist. I have learned the lesson to never betray myself again and to always listen to my intuition. I am learning why I used sex and flattery to fill the void in my heart. I am learning to accept and love myself. The real message to all of us is that no one can complete us. We need to accept all parts of ourselves, the light and the dark. In this way, we don't get hit by the disowned dark parts of us in the form of other people hurting us.

 

I liked what someone said above, which is that one of the gifts is to realize that we have empathy and the ability to love and, unbelievably, some people don't. About 5 weeks after our breakup, she sent me a text message telling me she still loved me. I guess she loved me in the only way she knew how. But I imagined how she was back in touch with the hole in her soul after I left her and wanted her narcissistic supply back (the vampires call this their "pet human"). Then a week later, I was in the mall and happened to see her on a date with her next victim. I left the mall immediately, and fortunately she didn't see me.

 

I'm not ready to date yet, but I am looking forward to being with a woman who really is capable to loving. I was only in this relationship for 4 months and it is still hurting, almost 2 months after breaking up. I feel for everyone who has experienced the devastation of a relationship with someone with NPD.

[CCJ]

I'm not sure this thread is active, but it certainly still offers support and valuable sharing.

Trinity11, This is also spot on for me - and it's been such a relief not being on that roller coaster ride anymore where blame and shame were always directed at me. But something that is starting to bother me is reading all these posts, a bunch of books and whatever else I can get my hands on, and realizing that my ex (whom I was with, on-off, for four years) has just discarded of me like an old rag, and a part from an ugly email full of more shame and blame that I received three weeks ago, I haven't heard from him in the way that many others here do, and I'm going on five weeks of NC from my side now. Somehow, although I ought to be thankful, I can't help but feel sad and disappointed that I was right in assuming I meant absolutely nothing to him, although he claimed he had never loved another woman the way he loved me. It makes me sad that I somehow still need something from him in order to feel good about myself. Apparently that's called the traumatic bond!

 

At least I have a whole new vocabulary, understanding and am slowly getting better.

[Capricorn3]

Thread is 5 years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.