Waterdave

I loved you so deeply. You told me I was the only boyfriend who ever cared for you and listened to you and loved you. You told me all men disappeared on you because "all men are selfish". Stupidly, I wanted to be the one to show you real love. I moved into your apartment, I introduced you to my family. I even thought about an engagement ring. Then your strange behavior, like a part of you, emotionally, was missing. I forgave you, but still couldn't sleep well, started having nightmares. I knew something was wrong but wanted to believe that you were the one. I didn't trust myself. From the start, you knew I wanted to eventually have a family and you started putting pressure on me to get you pregnant. We were only together for 4 months and the whole time you wanted me to get you pregnant. My friends told me something was wrong, that you were desperate because you are 43. I didn't want to listen to them. I thought you really loved me and you would never manipulate me. Finally, I listened to my gut and left. And then got back together and tried to work it out, and then heard you say some more strange things. Like you were not playing with a full deck. Then after I left you, I went to some professionals, read more online about narcissism and personality disorders, and then everything made sense. Why you never wanted to come over my apartment. Why you never responded with empathy when I told you about the disaster in your home country. All the drama with making a baby.The pity story you use with all your boyfriends to reel them into your web. I know this is your way of loving men, that you are wired differently. A month after our breakup, I saw you with another man. I know you want a baby and your clock is ticking and you need to move quickly. It's been 4 months. You are probably still with that guy, or maybe not. I don't know. Whatever is going on, I want you to be happy. I loved you so deeply and that is why I am still not fully over you. You loved me in your way, so devoted and passionate. I didn't protect my heart and was dysfunctional in my own way, not taking care of myself, trying to "save" someone. So, I thank you for the lessons. Hopefully, this will help me let go of all the bull**** that has prevented me from finding real love. Do you even remember me? Do you have any idea how many tears I have shed, how much grief I have experienced over the last 4 months. In a way, this way a gift. I obviously needed to let go of some old childhood grief and longing. When I miss you, I remember the good times, but I also remember how draining it was to be with you because you weren't able to express or understand emotions and needed to drain my emotional energy. I also realized that is was my fault because a part of me just liked that you never needed to focus on emotions and just always smiled like an innocent and happy girl, even when it was inappropriate. So, next time around, I will value myself more and will be with someone who is emotionally present. Our relationship was not nourishing, but I hope to nourish and be nourished in my next relationship. Bye M, I am ready to let you go and wish you well. So that I can move on and find love.