[Update] Getting my girlfriend to lose weight...

[rocio]

I will never understand women. Too emotional for their own good

 

Not all of us. There are plenty of women who care about looking good for their man.

 

Break up with her. You'll feel like a jerk at first, but then she'll lose all the weight once she's back on the market, and then you'll realise that she's the one who's the jerk.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First off, she's not a 'jerk' just because she's overweight. Just like a person who is depressed is not a jerk because they're depressed. She obviously has a problem and is struggling and doesn't know how to solve it. Losing weight isn't just about discipline if there are psychological and/or physiological reasons behind the weight gain.

 

Most people with this kind of weight gain have emotional issues and possibly an eating disorder that needs professional treatment. This is different than a few pounds creeping up on her. This is a massive weight gain in a short period of time.

 

When you start assigning labels to her, like 'Shamu, lazy, fat pig, whatever', you are showing a HUGE lack of empathy and that you are primarily deeply annoyed that YOU are not getting something you want, which is a hot chick, and that you have such a high (exaggerated) opinion of yourself that you deserve to be able to hurt someone to make yourself feel better or amuse yourself.

 

Now you are perfectly entitled to a hot chick, if having a hot chick is the most important thing to you. If that is your gating factor, then break up with her and go get your hot chick.

 

But recognize that she does NOT deserve attacks or name calling because she is not meeting one of your needs. She deserves empathy, for no other reason than she is extremely unhappy with things as they are, and seems very challenged and unable to deal with it. I think she needs treatment, not someone kicking her when she's down.

 

Remember this attitude when you are over 40 and are bald and have man boobs and can't get it up so well anymore. Imagine yourself in that position, because odds are really good that WILL be you as it happens to most men. Would you want your partner acting disgusted and ridiculing you?

 

I don't mean to be vulgar, but to shock you out of your lack of empathy and the way you are casting this in your mind. if you love her, you should at least have empathy for her, even while you also have a right to decide you don't want to be with her.

 

The best thing you could do for her is sit her down and tell her, you need help. Also say that she obviously is not happy with herself either, and that you know she wants to change but isn't able to do it on her own, so it is the right thing to do to get help for herself. Then if she refuses to get professional help, then just tell her that your own priorities are such that you need a hot girl to be happy, and you don't think she's hot anymore, though you used to think she was really hot.

[rocio]

First off, she's not a 'jerk' just because she's overweight.

 

I didn't say she's a jerk for being overweight. However, it wasn't very considerate of her to put on 50 lbs right after getting into a relationship with him. From my experience, women who do this usually lose the weight as soon as they're single and find that men of the calliber they desire don't give them attention at that weight.

 

If she had put on 10 or 15 lbs, that would be a different story. But putting on 50% of your weight in just a few months, without a good reasons (like a medical problem) surely must have involved a deliberate change in lifestyle. I think that is extremely inconsiderate, to say the least, of her partner.

[Excalibur]

It's just that she didn't understand that "dieting" was not the answer, she neeeded a lifestyle change.

 

She dieted, exercised, etc. and lost the weight - not understanding that she had ot maintain that lifestyle of healthy eating and regular exercise to maintain her new size and fitness level.

 

I don't know why he wants to stay with a yo-yo personality - because that's what she is.

[seanforever]

But she's put on 45lbs?

 

That isn't right. Either she has an eating disorder and you're not seeing it, or she has something wrong going on inside and needs to get to a doctor.

 

 

Sounds to me like she has a real bad self-image and wants the outside to fit. It's a catch 22 for you - you can't cajole someone out of that, and making them insecure about it just feeds into it.

 

You have to decide whether her weight is a hard limit for you, because you can't make her feel worse about herself while at the same time saying that you won't leave her for fear of not finding someone who clicks like the two of you do. That's just contradictory.

 

Its because all she eats is crap

 

Her family is constantly eating out, or odering food. She thinks fettucini alfredo and mozerella sticks from BJ's is a normal meal to eat regularly. She thinks a caramel apple is healthy (because its an apple) ](*,)

 

I can go on and on about foods to this girl and its like talking to a brick wall. If she has a salad she loads it with avacadoes. I'll tell her every day not to eat fast food and she'll tell me she had a little Carls jr. I cant even begin to explain how frustrating it is.

 

I want to seriously scream at her but all she will do is tear up and tuck into her emotional disaster until I feel bad enough about it to say sorry to her.

 

And she is lazy. In every aspect of her life. For example she hates going up stairs. She doesnt exercise. Even sexually... I wont get into that but- its not fun for me, she basically just likes to lay there. Which is a HUGE turnoff. I basically stopped having sex with her. Which I dont mind at all, its not really a staple in my life, I can live without it. I'd rather have her when we started going out at 125 pounds and abstain than sex everyday at 170. Pretty outrageous claims right?

 

I heard men are visually sexual. I dont disagree at all. To me love and attraction are 2 different things. You CAN have 1 without the other. I love her yet I have no attraction to her physical self. If it was a quick weight on-weight off scenario it would have gone fine. but its been like 8 months that shes been on this hill and its longer than anyone (IMO) could handle

[Excalibur]

Here's the thing - if she was at one piont for a long period of time very in shape and active - all it takes is her lesssening the amount of activity to lose muscle mass, and to begin storing more fat.

[jengh]

I didn't read everyone's posts so forgive me if it's been over-said.

 

I'm not going to be one of those girls who says, "if you love her it shouldn't matter". I totally 100% understand where you're coming from. I think you've done your best, you've approached her multiple times about it... if you're no longer attracted to her and she's unwilling to do anything about it, I think it's time to let her go. Some people are going to think I'm really crappy for saying that but like Kuiks said, attraction is a HUGE part of a relationship, in my opinion.

[seanforever]

I didn't read everyone's posts so forgive me if it's been over-said.

 

I'm not going to be one of those girls who says, "if you love her it shouldn't matter". I totally 100% understand where you're coming from. I think you've done your best, you've approached her multiple times about it... if you're no longer attracted to her and she's unwilling to do anything about it, I think it's time to let her go. Some people are going to think I'm really crappy for saying that but like Kuiks said, attraction is a HUGE part of a relationship, in my opinion.

 

Yeah, thats basically what it comes down to. I've stuck it out as long as humanly possible, I've tried to help in every way possible, now there is nothing left to do. Either deal with it, or leave her. I just dont think I've convinced myself of it yet

 

Honestly, breaking up with her would literally destroy her. I dont know if any of you have seen P.S I love you.. but that is basically how it would be to her. And shes a good person, she really doesnt deserve that. She doesnt deserve to be crushed especially over something so superficial. But if it takes that to realize that she needs to change, well then, I guess I have to be the catalyst to that

 

Now if I do break up with her, and she does go and lose the weight since shes single again, I will be beyond pissed. If that happens I'm never talking to her again. If she cant even lose the weight for her 'true love' yet will lose it if shes single then thats a seriously character flaw in my opinion

[Excalibur]

If you're with a charity case - you're a head case.

[agent1607307371]

I enjoy how you see her weight loss as something she should do for you meaning more than it means to do it for herself.

 

Dump her. Seriously. You may love her, but you don't seem to like or respect her very much. Her weight is a massive issue for you, and if you don't have to be worrying about it, you'll be happier. You can't stay with someone out of pity.

[thyroxine]

I just wanted to add that gaining all that weight should just not be pushed off right away as: "Oh...something has to be medically wrong!" When I met my current boyfriend, I was at my thinnest and I looked good....but I was also going to school full time with a full course load, working full time (averaging 55 a week), working 2 part time jobs and was very active from all the running around I had to do with all of those...oh, I basically stopped eating. Even though it wasn't intentional, I starved myself thin. Seriously...a good day I got 1,000 calories. So when I met my boyfriend who introduced me back into eating, I gained it back very, very fast as my body considered itself starving. I've known many, many dancers and even though they are not diagnosable for an eating disorder, they may tend to skip meals, calories, etc... I just wanted to throw that all out there.

 

It also sounds like you've gone through a lot with her...it may be time just to have one last heartfelt discussion with her about this issue, and if nothing is resolved it's best just to probably part ways.

[seanforever]

I enjoy how you see her weight loss as something she should do for you meaning more than it means to do it for herself.

 

Dump her. Seriously. You may love her, but you don't seem to like or respect her very much. Her weight is a massive issue for you, and if you don't have to be worrying about it, you'll be happier. You can't stay with someone out of pity.

 

I'm gonna pretend I didnt read that

 

Don't you think I want her to be happy? and healthy? I've brought up the health issue, the comfortable and confidence issue. Honestly MY physical preference is the last reason on the list for her to lose the weight, however we've run down that list and she wont lose the weight for any other reason INCLUDING her own health and she still doesnt care enough to do it

 

So, by my logic, if i threaten her with the break up, which clearly is the last option, maybe that will help.

[Blackbear]

Not all of us. There are plenty of women who care about looking good for their man.

 

Break up with her. You'll feel like a jerk at first, but then she'll lose all the weight once she's back on the market, and then you'll realise that she's the one who's the jerk.

 

 

Goodness! He says she doesn't eat out of control! What if it's Thyroid related or something else worse like inside mentally! What if it were you and your loved one? Do you think there might be something about yourself that just might upset your loved one to the point where they want changes too? It's easier to just toss something down or shoot it in the head then to go and seek help for it or nurse it back to health isn't it? If it were another health issue and she was still fit and trim, would you be saying the same thing then? She still needs him and his help. Yeah he's growing tired of it, but if he loves her he will help her. If he doesn't , he will let he be on her own.

[Blackbear]

Now if I do break up with her, and she does go and lose the weight since shes single again, I will be beyond pissed. If that happens I'm never talking to her again. If she cant even lose the weight for her 'true love' yet will lose it if shes single then thats a seriously character flaw in my opinion

 

I think you said a mouthful here Sean. Do you care about her or the way she looks. Because if you care about her... then you should know that she should be losing her weight for herself and her own precious life. Don't be surprised if she does lose the weight if you leave. She will have eventually felt self love again somehow as she did before. Remember this. A person can do all the dieting in the world and exercise.... and if they suffer from depression....that weight isn't going anywhere! Maybe you're not good for her. Maybe you are. Be supportive of her or go away and let her heal. But you need to know that leaving someone because of their bodyfat is not going to win you any popularity points.....so make sure you explain to loved ones who asked "what happened" that it was your choice to have a partner to share a healthy lifestyle, with good eating habits, who is fit and trim such as yourself ....because you're thinking about your future.

[seanforever]

So you are saying I should leave her, for her own good?

 

And I tell it like it is. If people ask why I broke up with her, I will straight up tell them. She gained 50 pounds behind my back and wouldn't do anything to lose it. I find that most guys in my situation would do the same and I've already spoken to a few and the general consencus is that I've actually lasted longer than they would have

 

And yeah, I do care about her. I also care about being attracted to her. I dont think I dwelled on a serious issue here. I dont treat her like i used to. I dont compliment her anymore. And she knows it, and she hates it. She knows I've changed because she gained the weight. She knows this and still won't lose it

 

I'm telling you this girl knows EVERY reason on the planet why she should lose weight, and she isn't going to. As far as I'm concerned I'm off the hook 100% on this. I know some women put on some weight after they get married and are off the market. But not a girl around 20 whos been in a relationship for 4 months

 

Maybe I should let her go. And some black dude will pick her up. Black guys like big women right? And then I will get my skinny girl who actually STAYS that way (or atleast close to it)

[metrogirl]

No you didn't go there.....

[kuiks8]

 

Maybe I should let her go. And some black dude will pick her up. Black guys like big women right? And then I will get my skinny girl who actually STAYS that way (or atleast close to it)

 

out of nowhere??!! inappropriate comment...

just read over your threads...you don't respect her you are in the process of falling out of love with her...let her go..I am sure you would BOTH be happier not being in this cycle.

[rocio]

Maybe I should let her go. And some black dude will pick her up. Black guys like big women right? And then I will get my skinny girl who actually STAYS that way (or atleast close to it)

 

holy crap, i can't believe i missed this.

 

yes, every black guy out there is just dying to snatch up your overweight girlfriend.

[seanforever]

No you didn't go there.....

 

Relax. Its a joke

[metrogirl]

Relax. Its a joke

 

A joke in extremely bad taste......

 

Look Sean, if you are sooo unhappy and you know in your heart that she isn't going to conform to what you think she should be, then you just need to end it now and move on.....You are doing nothing but causing her added stress. She probably already feels like she is fighting a losing battle. Your ultimatums and threats aren't going to make her sign up for a membership at the nearest gym.

[kuiks8]

Relax. Its a joke

 

its not funny...not even a bit so maybe rethink your humor before you post something like that again.

[seanforever]

A joke in extremely bad taste......

 

Look Sean, if you are sooo unhappy and you know in your heart that she isn't going to conform to what you think she should be, then you just need to end it now and move on.....You are doing nothing but causing her added stress. She probably already feels like she is fighting a losing battle. Your ultimatums and threats aren't going to make her sign up for a membership at the nearest gym.

 

What I think she should be?

 

How about HOW she should be?

 

I dont think people should be obese.

 

In any case, I can feel the amazonian starting to come down on me. Perhaps an underlying bitterness towards me for turning my back on a girl who one day decided she was going to be obese?

 

I can just hope from the bottom of my heart that none of you have to go through what I have been through

[kuiks8]

What I think she should be?

 

How about HOW she should be?

 

I dont think people should be obese.

 

In any case, I can feel the amazonian starting to come down on me. Perhaps an underlying bitterness towards me for turning my back on a girl who one day decided she was going to be obese?

 

I can just hope from the bottom of my heart that none of you have to go through what I have been through

 

yea you're right...you've had it really really rough...your girlfriend gained weight and turned your life upside down...there are people on here who have had real issues and tragic things happen to them...your g/f gaining some weight doesn't rank anywhere on the scale really...

 

btw-the bolded part you just said the EXACT same thing as metrogirl

Anyways this amazonian is out...gotta go sharpen my sword after all.

[metrogirl]

What I think she should be?

 

How about HOW she should be?

 

I dont think people should be obese.

 

In any case, I can feel the amazonian starting to come down on me. Perhaps an underlying bitterness towards me for turning my back on a girl who one day decided she was going to be obese?

 

I can just hope from the bottom of my heart that none of you have to go through what I have been through

 

and people shouldn't be crass, but they are...people shouldn't be a lot of things but they are....some people can change some of those things about them, others for whatever reason, can't or won't....

 

You already know that she isn't ready to do it, or doesn't want to do it.....so then there really is no point in beating a dead horse...

 

You know what you like in a woman, she is not it.....so the wise thing to do is leave the relationship......then you can be happy and so can she.

 

That is all I'm trying to convey here.....I'm not coming down on anybody.

[sophie274]

Thought I might as well throw in my two cents.

 

1 - I can totally understand you not being attracted to her, and that is a valid reason to break up with her. You have not been with her a long time, and you are perfectly entitled to a partner that you find attractive.

 

2 - But where is this anger coming from? She isn't doing this to you.Realistically, she was thin for a very short while in a lifetime of being overweight. You don't want a fat girlfriend, fine. But I think it's unreasonable for you to be pushing her to be losing the weight if she doesn't want to do it herself. No, she should not be losing the weight for you! It seems obvious to me that she likely has some problems with eating, and you yelling at her, calling her names, threatening her with a break up, or just policing her food is not going to help.

 

3 - This is an issue in your relationship, and throwing the thing down the drain. Just break up with her and move on.