[Update] Getting my girlfriend to lose weight...

[Excalibur]

To the OP - if you can't bring yourself to break up with her - the next time you meet, orin the next email be wearing teh shirt - or send as a slogan at the end 'NO Fat Chicks" - that'll end it.

[PixelPusher]

Not sure I want to touch some of this topic. But what I can say is that I understand your frustration when it comes to seeing someone destroying themselves, complain about it, and lack the willpower to do anything to improve their life. The same goes for drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever. Shallow or not shallow, it is what it is. I've been in a situation (not weight related) in my past where no matter what I said or did, it was the wrong thing... and I was blamed for it.

 

If you want to stay with her: Has she had a medical checkup? My thyroid went wacky pretty much the day I hit age 25 with no change in eating habits or activity. I just... boom... put on 25lbs. I had it tested, and sure enough, it was too slow, following the pattern in the rest of my family. It not only affected my weight, but my memory, my energy level, my sex life, depression... everything. It is something to look into.

 

Also.. you say she doesn't eat a ton, but it's all bad. Instead of frowning at her when she eats someone else's french fries, have you cooked with her? Instead of complaining about her weight, say that you're concerned about the way she eats and how it is putting her at a higher risk for heart disease and diabetes. Then the TWO of you sit down and research fun, healthy meals... and cook them together.

 

Good food isn't bad tasting... but after you've been eating In and Out for 6 weeks, it DOES take a little to get back used to eating well. It's a lifestyle change, for sure.

 

Good luck...

[Taylor527]

Attraction is a big part of a relationship, beyond her body you seem to not be attracted to her attitude and her lack of self discipline. Only you can make the decision but if you read what you wrote I think all of your answers are within your posts.

 

 

I couldn't of said it better myself. ^ yeah, to that!

 

 

Let me tell you, 11 month relationship isn't much and you are unhappy. Why would you continue this relationship when you know you can never been happy with her being overweight, she seems to not care about her body image so I personally think you shouldn't even wait the 4-6 months, you can still talk to her but keep your eyes open, if something happens I recommend to break it off with her before you start something new -but ultimately I think you shouldn't stay in this relationship if you are unhappy after less than a year. You have 50-70 years ahead of you... Why waste it with someone you aren't even happy with? Life is wayyy to short. Good luck, I'll support you in whatever you do!! Keep us updated!

[servedcold]

Weight issues aside, neither one of you are happy, in fact you are both quite obviously dejected. Relationships 11 months in, especially between people your age, aren't supposed to be like this. Break up with her gracefully and move on, find happiness apart, as it's not going to happen together. Sorry to be so negative, but reading both threads there's no other rational conclusion.

 

If you decide to break up with her, don't drag it out, do it cleanly, with finality, and do it as soon as you make your final decision.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Weight issues aside, neither one of you are happy, in fact you are both quite obviously dejected. Relationships 11 months in, especially between people your age, aren't supposed to be like this. Break up with her gracefully and move on, find happiness apart, as it's not going to happen together. Sorry to be so negative, but reading both threads there's no other rational conclusion.

 

If you decide to break up with her, don't drag it out, do it cleanly, with finality, and do it as soon as you make your final decision.

 

I agree. Her weight issues probably stem from unhappiness and the more unhappy she is, the more she eats and the more unhappy she gets as a result. It is understandable that you are frustrated with someone who is clearly unhappy about her weight but chooses not to do anything about it and just lets the problem get worse and worse. Like with any kind of addiction and problem, change won't happen unless they want to change. Maybe it will have to take a break up before she wakes up and realizes that she needs to do something about her weight.

[lady00]

Dump her. You've spent enough time trying to help her change...I doubt that she will by September. Don't waste your entire summer stressing over her weight loss issues. It's really not worth your time at this point. Spend the summer meeting new girls and having fun.

[Gratsy]

Break up with her.

[Blackbear]

I gotta tell ya, it's going to be very brutal on her when you break up with her. Use some finesse. Plan ahead of time. Don't bash her weight when this takes place. It could affect her eating choices drastically for the rest of her life.

How would you feel if someone you loved said, " You know, when we met, your face was always so youthful and young looking, but you know what? since we have been together, you just aren't that appealing to me because you lay in the tanning bed everyday and you have for the past 11 months straight. You have aged some and I just need someone who is going to take care of himself so he will look good! You should have given the tanning up for me." -even though it means doing away with what you feel is a (comforting thing to do)...such as relaxing in a tanning bed everyday.

You would look at your slightly sun-damaged face everyday in the mirror knowing that it caused you to lose someone you loved. And whenever you let the sun hit your face outside on the beach -you just couldn't enjoy it because inside you would feel that this is an irreversible ugliness that made you lose your happiness.

Estrange yourself from her slowly. Eventually she will begin to understand what's coming. You can then tell her that you too are no longer compatible ...just too many differences. Don't destroy her.

It's sad for you that it didn't work out because of this type of problem. However, there are questions you need to ask yourself before you do this. Do you want this break up because she's just ugly to you now? Do want this breakup because you don't want to have to deal with potential future health problems? Or do you not love her enough? Are you in love with her? There are no wrong answers. This is your life. Live it the way you want to.

There are many many people everyday dealing with a partner with some type of flaw,habit,or challenge. Because no-one is perfect obviously. They do this because they choose to. These people usually wake up everyday and devote themselves to lovingly supporting their loved one and seeing to it that they succeed at helping them through these challenging days. And they do this until they succeed. They do this by SUPPORTING them and never discouraging them. By showing their partner that they believe in them. (Even if they worry inside sometimes that it might be a bit of a challenge.) They do this because they love them and they know what they want. So if you have the LOVE to get you through this, if she IS the one you want for the rest of your life, be patient and take her by her hand lovingly. If not..............

be gentle to her when you move on to find the one you do want.

I have to tell ya something though, prepare to see her afterwards with someone. She may lose her weight for her own reasons and she may keep it on. She's not going to be alone though. There are heavy set women on this planet that puts thin women to shame!!!!!!!!!!! They are extremely sexy and there are many many MANY men out there who LOVE women with meat on their bodies. What you consider to be ugly is another man's bliss. So remember you made your choice, don't judge her after your storm.

 

Oh and please have this girl's blood taken for a Thyroid check! I'd be willing to bet there is a problem there!

[livinginsbi]

It appears her weight gain is psychological and her self esteem is gone. Hmm, after being with you for a year and this happens? Just something to think about.

[Portage]

It appears her weight gain is psychological and her self esteem is gone. Hmm, after being with you for a year and this happens? Just something to think about.

 

This made me laugh even thou it isn't funny. Great point.

[sedated]

All the females criticizing this guy seriously need to lay off. Granted, he might have been looking for a little justification by starting this thread but once again I'm unsurprised how biased society has become towards females. All these snide comments aimed at him and pouncing on him for making a racially awry comment.. one would almost think all the women on this thread have a chip on their shoulder.

 

How many of you girls who tell the OP to hang around would do the same if your once humorous and confident boyfriend became whiny and clingy? Sure, it might be an emotional change as compared to a physical one, but I think it's an established fact that physical attraction is as important to men as an emotional attraction is to women. Of course, when a guy becomes "possessive" and "insecure" resulting in a loss of "chemistry" you should dump his sorry butt right girls? Why should you stay with a guy who is not the person you initially met despite numerous professions of being together forever and all that jazz.

 

I don't mean to start a gender war here and yes to an extent I am bitter due to my personal experiences. But to everyone who is bashing the OP, ask yourself would you even bother to tell a guy that he was becoming clingy or insecure before dumping him, let alone try to help him along to becoming the man he once was? The OP has clearly expressed his effort in trying to help his girlfriend lose weight and I respect him for that. Most guys would be long gone if they were in his position. It's not as if they're married, whereas I would say that he should stay with her out of respect for his wedding vows.

 

I am not going to pretend I know what's the best thing to do in this scenario let alone judge the OP. But I'll say this - let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone.

[Girl123]

forty-five pounds is really an abnormal amount of weight to gain in only six months, and it is an indication to me that something medical is going on. Did your girlfriend go on antidepressants or some other medication during that period? Has something happened in her life that has made her severly depressed? Those are two common things that can cause such extreme weight gain.

 

Another possibility is that your girlfriend suffered from an eating disorder or used to crash diet when you met her and she had to starve herself down to 125lbs (in other words 125lbs might never have been a natural/reasonable weight for her.) Sometimes when anorexics or crash dieters can no longer maintain their "diets" their already starving bodies will gain a lot of weight very quickly and easily.

 

In any case, I hope you realize that gaining 45lbs in 6 months without being pregnant is really a red flag some other problem. People do not gain that much weight out of the blue due to "laziness" or "lack of self-disipline." If you really are a good guy I would take your girlfriend to an MD, and get her health and any meds she is on checked out. Then I would take her to a psychologist. She obviously needs some help and support right now.

 

As far as telling her to lose weight again: don't waste your time. She has a mirror, right? Any girl who gains that much weight ALREADY KNOWS that she needs to lose weight and is already trying to. The only thing you will accomplish by nagging her about her weight is further hurting her feelings, making her angry at you, and destroying whatever is left of your relationship.

 

This girl seems like she needs help right now. You have to decide whether you are willing and able to stay with someone who seems to need that much help and support or if you would rather be on your own and make her deal with her problems on her own. You also have to face and accept the reality that she may never lose the weight, and, even if she does, it will take some time.

 

Yes, guys in their 20s (and of all ages) would prefer to be with a hot girl. However, we can't always have everything we want in life, and, thereforeee, must set priorities. Is your priority to be with your gf (whom you say you love) and help her, but give up having a super-hot girlfriend. Or is your priority to be single and chase hot girls? Those seem to be your choices right now.

[Girl123]

I just went back and read all of the posts in this thread. The following things really stuck out: your girlfriend was chubby as a child, got really thin for a short period of time, was a DANCER, has had weird eating habits for a long time, and has a lot of issues with self-esteem and weight. Don't you realize that all these elements pretty much scream eating disorder?

 

I would bet money that your girlfriend formerly had an eating disorder, had to starve herself down to 125lbs, and is now probably closer to her body's natural weight (her natural weight is probably more like 140-170lbs.) If you can't be with a girl who isn't naturally thin, then you should dump her...because it seems pretty obvious that 125lbs is not natural or healthy for her.

[Raph]

I just went back and read all of the posts in this thread. The following things really stuck out: your girlfriend was chubby as a child, got really thin for a short period of time, was a DANCER, has had weird eating habits for a long time, and has a lot of issues with self-esteem and weight. Don't you realize that all these elements pretty much scream eating disorder?

 

I would bet money that your girlfriend formerly had an eating disorder, had to starve herself down to 125lbs, and is now probably closer to her body's natural weight (her natural weight is probably more like 140-170lbs.) If you can't be with a girl who isn't naturally thin, then you should dump her...because it seems pretty obvious that 125lbs is not natural or healthy for her.

 

I agree with this post quite a lot. At the same time, I think almost anybody could have grown up quite *slim* (as opposed to either extremes: anorexic or obese) if their parents had fed them properly. Also, lifestyle changes are hard to make especially if parents/relatives have always encouraged eating a lot, or have not discouraged over-eating. I don't know why parents do this - too much money, or a sudden increase in wealth or just plain ignorance perhaps. A Darwinist would probably say to give kids a headstart in life...

 

Some friends of mine complain they're overweight but it's their parents faults while they were responsible for feeding them in their childhood and teens, and my friends' own faults for succumbing to temptation - and not only that, but bad lifestyle habits like having a biscuit for breakfast, sleeping late, sleeping irregularly, eating too near bed-time, doing little or no exercise, buying a bag full of choccies for the day at work... it's not surprising guys tend to get diabetes and become clinically obese.

 

What I did for one of my friends is that I got him a pack of cards and each suit had a different exercise assigned - the numbers represented how many repetitions to do. It was a good plan because you don't have to plan a different one everytime, and no workout is ever the same if you shuffle the cards. Also, you can be creative with what exercises you want to do - e.g. pressups, situps, squats, lunges, chinups - and there's a lot of variants of exercises, like at least 5 different pressups, at least 4 different chinups, at least 4 different squats, etc. My friend eventually grew to genuinely enjoy this as he had a lot of freedom of choice, he could do exercise at home without having to go to the gym, and he could see the changes in him.

 

I don't think you can change someone if they're not willing. Certainly not if you love them, as love is too restrictive and you can't have "cruelty being justified by the ends" or physically force them to do things or not do things. You can force a sibling or child or a casual friend, but not someone who's your partner or elder. I don't think it's something to be frustrated about though, because it's only the person with the poor self-image that hurts him/herself. Even if you don't feel frustrated, the relationship may gradually fade away anyway - without one having to assertively break it up. You're not obliged to feel their pain of self-pity and self-loathing, so while you may not break up, it doesn't mean you have to tell them lies like "of course, you're not fat", though you could try some sort of subtle program of getting them to feel better about themselves, like NLP. In any case, such a relationship shouldn't harm your self-enjoyment although maybe not with them - but they'll be staring at you as you enjoy yourself with other people, and maybe they'll want to eventually join in again so they may be prompted to take action.

 

.... then again, they may not do anything. It's hard to predict what will happen from my point of view, but some people may decide to lose weight while others will just get worse, and probably balloon up to 300kg - in which case you would find it best to leave that person because such extremities aren't tolerated by many at all. There is a limit to how far a relationship can allow people to do whatever they want. But whatever you do, you have to find a good way to exit if necessary, and if you don't exit, make sure you are happy with yourself. You have to make the decision based on what you feel is right, and whether other people will judge it as bad or good is hard to say, but probably unnecessary, as long as you don't do something really nasty and underhanded.

 

PS. I agree with BlackBear - perhaps it is best to estrange yourself slowly rather than throw a finishing blow, if you want an exit plan.

 

PPS. Oh yes, and it probably isn't any real health problem but maybe it is her "natural" weight (what her body's gotten used to). In fact, many health problems do arise simply from what we eat and don't eat! And there are a lot of problems we do inflict on ourselves... But her self-image is the worst thing - without fixing that, there is no way forward for her. This IS true even in her case, no matter what you think. Can you think as to the cause why her weight increased soon after you became friends? Maybe there's a clue of how to she could revert back...

 

The thing about human nature is that we can so easily ignore all the facts. Sure, we do know how we can lose weight, and we do know some relationships won't work - it doesn't stop us from living in self-pity though. Emotions are pretty strong, and a bad perspective or self-image can hinder our progress in life.

[longhaircats]

I didn't read all the posts, but I think you should break up with her for her sake. My boyfriend's sister is overweight (I would think around 180-190 pounds), but she is very happy with her current boyfriend who apparently has no issues with her weight. They are planning to have a future together.

 

You are hoping your girlfriend to change because you love her, but she won't, unless she wants to. It reminds of my ex bf of 3 years --I was always hoping he would change someday (he had anger issues) because I loved him but he never did. The breakup was so painful after being with him for 3 years and I wish I ended ealier.

 

Seriouslly, you can't change a person. They change only when they want to. It's not right to stick with someone who you are not happy with. They may be able to find someone who love just the way they are. So leaving her may be good for her after all because you are not that person.

[snoopynwoodstock]

I think you should work on your own issues and what you don't like about yourself, instead of project your own insecurities onto your girlfriend...

[hexaemeron]

I think you should work on your own issues and what you don't like about yourself, instead of project your own insecurities onto your girlfriend...

 

Actually, Mr or Miss Judgmental, when you get into a relationship, there is a tacit set of agreements and compromises we all make. Some are plainly stated and some are merely understood. He started going out with someone who was active and happy and fit and ended up almost overnight with a depressed, validation-needy girl who put on literally 50% of her own body weight in less than six months.

 

She did not hold up her end of the agreement and this poor guy has done everything in his power to help her and their relationship. If he really was shallow, he would have dusted her constantly growing behind long, long ago.

 

To the OP, I hope things worked out, either way.

 

To you, you need to be a scosh more aware of what's actually going on in a situation like this. Something tells me you're a little weight-challenged yourself and you're speaking out in a hypersensitive and defense fashion. Don't do that.

[Sammyalways]

I used to be that girl. I gained weight with my relationship. Afterwords on the other hand, I lost it all, and ended up weighing less than i did when I started dating him and all in under 2 months. Yes I ate regularly. My only advice for this is try to find something outside that's fun for her to do. Like swimming, tennis, walking, biking, soccer, ect. If it bothers you end it, and maybe she'll do what I did. Or maybe not. Good luck?

[mandellin]

"yes, every black guy out there is just dying to snatch up your overweight girlfriend"

 

Oh, and OP in case you didn't know most Hispanics like the bigger women,too.

 

I get my kicks in thinking they might have something figured out that you don't.

 

Wow...please break up with this woman. She can do better.

 

And as for saying she is obese ....that is true..but it is hard for me to believe that she is any different from most others when the average size for a woman in the US is a size 14.

 

I have worked in a hospital for most of my life and can tell you that if she balloned up from a 125 to 175 in a short period of time - there is probably a medical condition going on. There are many illnesses and medicines that cause weight gain. My mom just recently started a medicine that made her gain fifteen pounds within about a week and a half.

 

I think I will stick with dating guys who are not quit as shallow as to believe that the whole of a woman is summed up in her apperance. I am not saying that attraction is not part of the equation but if someone loved me I hope they would not talk about me like this.

 

Thank God for this :

 

"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

[Sweetkisses22]

Your probably going to get a lot of reply's from girls who think this is "soo mest up" but honestly I agree with you. I think everyone lets themselves go somewhat during a relationship but sometimes its too much. For someone to gain 45-50lbs and not feel like they need to keep up anymore is just selfish. You fell in love with her yes but she is self destructing her body solely because she is comfortable with you. If she can't take care of herself then she is not capable of taking care of you.I don't think she would like it very much if you gained a ton of weight. But because she is a girl she expects you to probably deal with it. I could understand if maybe she was having problems and was a little depressed but you haven't mentioned that so I think that's not the problem. If she is not even trying, there is a problem there. It is unhealthy to gain weight like that, so not only is it a problem with attraction now, she's also hurting herself in the long run. So yea, I would talk to her. Tell her you care about her but if she doesn't start trying FOR HERSELF than you will leave. I am sure she doesn't like the weight gain either and just doesn't want to admit it because she doesn't want to work out. Shes probably just lazy. No body wants to be heavy, no matter what anyone says, no one wants that!

 

I know appearance doesn't mean everything. But when your letting yourself go at an early age it is not healthy. Growing old together is a different story. This is not the same thing!

[Sweetkisses22]

I think you should work on your own issues and what you don't like about yourself, instead of project your own insecurities onto your girlfriend...

 

what makes you think he has issues??? He clearly is worried about her because he is writing a thread about it. Most guys would have been gone once the first 10lbs packed on. It is unhealthy to gain weight like that and he is concerned for her and also becoming unattracted to her. Would you be with someone who you thought couldnt take care of their body and was completely unattractive?? No I don't think so.

[savignon]

It seems to be not just about the weight but also her attitude towards health/wellness/physical activity. It doesn't seem you're on the same page and she doesn't seem concerned about the rapid gain enough to do anything about it. I also wonder why you're sticking around. If for 6 months you've seen how this is a deal breaker for you, it's time to end it. I wouldn't wait around any longer for a change in behavior.

[DaBladeRoden]

170's not that bad

[sidehop]

The OP hasn't posted for two years and there's no need to argue over this thread.

 

Thread closed.