Nonchalance is Your Friend

[NCMaster]

She's got it awesome now, a new guy, and you as a friend. If you are cool with that, then everything is perfect.

 

On a side note, I've learnt that words like never and always are MOSTLY too strong for life.

[rainingonme]

To be honest, at the moment i´m not really into friendship with her. I just have a habit of being to nice to people (even my ex´s) and never want to leave things in anger. She´s out of my life for now and I wish her all the best (Thus NIC) Maybe at some point friendship is really feasible, until then I´ll just continue with my life which is pretty good at the moment w. dating pretty young women and travelling like crazy

 

I´m really close to healing 100% from the breakup and I know this because when she said she´s going to be in Liverpool I felt just a tiny nip which I shrugged off. Besides, even if I was looking for reconciliation (which im not), the "friendzone" is not really in my opinion a bad place to be.

 

True, always and never are too strong for life Life changes in the craziest ways.

[Silverbirch]

Hi All, I hope everyone is going well with Nonchalance. My ex contacted me a couple of times not so long ago, and I dont have the slightest interest in him even as a friend. The new man is on the scene still and things have hotted up. I was reminded about this thread. I surprised myself by spontaneously going into nonchalance yesterday and was so surprised not only at the effect on the new man but that I felt so good myself afterwards. I need to practise this more.

[missyD]

So its been a few months since this has been active, but I only discovered it recently. Having worked through the ENTIRE thread, I can say that it has helped me get control of my emotions and insecurities so much. I hope that someone more experienced could weigh in on my situation. I'm sorry its a long read, but it has been 6 weeks since the break up, so to me it feels like every detail is important (even though I know it isn't...right? lol)

 

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 and a half years…known him for a total of 5 (I'm 24, he's 23). We were best friends and more. I always felt secure in our relationship. We survived 8 months of our relationship being long distance last year. During our undergrad years, in the summers when I was quite busy with work, he got needy, moody and clingy, but during the school months, I was the more needy one as he has more friends (and I wasn't very close with them). So we both definitely had our moments of codependency.

 

Anyway, we were both back at school this year (him as an undergrad and me as a masters student) in the same town so we could be together (though not live together). We had a wonderful Christmas break together spent with each others families, and the day we got back to school (five weeks ago) he came over for dinner. Everything was fine, his passed on a birthday present from his mom to me and we were getting ready to make dinner.

 

Now, I made the mistake of bringing up our living situation in the summer, as my landlord wanted to know if I would be staying in the house and wanted to know that week, and I knew my ex had an empty room. I thought we could just have a simple conversation, and I didn't care about the answer either way, it just seemed like a practical possibility. All of a sudden he's all "I don't think I want to be together anymore" and he's breaking up with me. Apparently this is something he's been thinking about for 2 months (despite everything he said and the Christmas letter he wrote me saying "looking forward to another year" "we've been through so much" "you make me stronger and so happy") but never talked to me about it, just hoped things would work themselves out. He said he was tired from me leaning on him for support as I struggled with my program, and I understand that, but he always only offered to help! He would say I was his number one priority and I always told him no that shouldn't be the case, his life and his school should be number one, I will be fine. I always told him that.

 

I now understand that I was (during those months) the more codependant, and I think especially following our time of long distance, he got more used to his space, and I was not very needy at all. I was quite fine on my own. And I know I still can be.

 

The following week he was texting me, calling me, saying how he regrets it, love's worth fighting for, he misses me so much he's so sorry, he bolted because of the living together thing. But he would not undo the breakup (actions speak louder than words indeed). I saw him for the first time a week after the breakup and we were both a mess, but dug ourselves out of it, had a good time and it seemed like things could get better. He kept telling me how good I looked, we laughed and flirted, he cried about the breakup, I comforted him (probably a bad idea in hindsight). It took forever to say goodbye and neither of us really wanted me to leave.

 

He took me out for my birthday, which was weird at first...but then we had fun, like old times (and...we slept together. I know, bad idea). We've gotten together a few times for coffee and I faked it through, as though I'm great and I've accepted the break up (at the time I had not, but I do now), and we have fun together.

 

Initially, after 5 days of no contact he called me twice, upset, missing me, thinking about me, etc. When I returned his calls, I kept it short and light. But since then, he seems to be fine! The last time I saw him, I gave him his stuff back. We ended up hanging out for 4 hours..which I know was way too much. I ended up crying a little when we parted (dropped my nonchalance).

 

Later that day, his band released a recorded version of my song (which is super romantic and personal and clearly about me, everyone knows), and I was listening to it, lost my mind and called him a few days later. All my calm cool NIC, nonchalant attitude out the window I was begging him for answers, reasons for the break up, a second chance, it was horrible. All he could say (which wasn't much) was he was happier now, and he didn't miss me.

 

After the phone call I was a mess. Once I calmed down hours later, I emailed him an apology for that behaviour. Admitted I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, and let him know that this week I've been really struggling with school and that feeling of failure coupled with the rejection of his breakup probably didn't help matters. I did not expect an email in return, and I know all it conveyed was the opposite of nonchalance, but I sent it and I can't take it back now. He emailed me back, and called me back, to assure me that he knew I didn't mean what I said, and that neither did he. He said that he said those things about being happier now and not missing me because he felt he had to be strong so that I can move on. He admitted that this hasn't been easy for him either.

 

His says his reason for the breakup is that he is "at a point in my life where I feel as though I need to be on my own. I want to open a new chapter to my life so I can have new experiences to write about and share with people. The truth is that I was happy when I was with you, and I was even happy just knowing that I was making someone else so happy. I will miss that with all my heart, but I want to be brave enough to search for more and have new life experiences." He is 23, in his 5th year of a 3 year undergrad program, no job prospects, no direction, $20 000 in debt etc. (I know he sounds like a dream boat…what can I say). He has often struggled with determining the direction his life will take and I have always been supportive, encouraged him, never pressured or nagged and he knows this.

 

After that, I did not contact him for over a week. He emailed (this past week) saying that this hasn't been easy, everyday he debates whether or not to call me, he misses me in his life, he still experiences moments where he feels a huge void in his life, and he's trying to figure out how he feels. He also said that while his mind has not changed about the break up (he seems to enjoy making that point clear), he can't just stop caring about me and wants to know how I'm doing. He also told a mutual friend (who was grilling him for info, probably thinking they were helping me, but I think they probably just pushed him away on my behalf) that maybe we can see how things are in 6 months. Not sure why he has that number in his head. I worry that having a goal or something like that is going to keep him stubborn and not open to reconciliation before that point. On top of that, I've decided not to stay for the summer, so in less than 3 months, I'll be leaving town. He doesn't know this, but has told me he's definitely staying (partly because I'm here he said) and we've got a long time to figure this out.

 

I waited a day to email him back. I basically responded to all the content in the email that wasn't related to the break up or my feelings, so he doesn't know whether I'm great or a mess. I think it has a fairly neutral/positive/indifferent (hopefully nonchalant) tone to it. I didn't feel right just ignoring the email, but I know not to appear needy and basically leave whats going on in my life a mystery. He never responded to my email. But, then this past weekend he contacted me on two separate occasions over chat. The first time was short (10 minutes). I asked if he got the email, and he said he got it but didn't know what to say (?) He said he hopes I'm doing better (I didn't acknowledge that.. wasn't sure how) and now he wants to meet in the next couple of days to talk/catch up. I said maybe. Thats about it.

 

Then, the following night he initiated a chat again, which lasted for an hour (I know! too long) and went pretty well but it was confusing. He started out by saying he'd been thinking about my birthday night and how much fun it was, "maybe too much fun I wasn't sure how to take that so I said "no such thing as too much fun!" We talked about some things, nothing to do with the relationship. Occasionally something would come up, like something we used to do together, or both found funny and he would kind of hint at the break up being like, "yeah..." trailing off or whatever. I did I fairly good job of staying positive (or at least neutral) and deflecting any relationship talk. He commented on my Facebook, saying that he hasn't been able to avoid it, and he's been enjoying what I've been posting. Asked if I was posting these things just for him. I told him to get over himself (jokingly). He laughed and said he must just like all the same things as I do then.

 

Overall it was a fairly normal chat I think? He did say at one point that he misses me, and I didn't respond (I froze! I didn't know what to do). Then he asked if I wanted to get together this week...so he could give me my stuff back. I said it doesnt matter I don't need anything desperately, but he said he felt bad that he had it so much longer than I had his. He then suggested we could also meet for coffee or go for a "friendly stroll" if I was up to it. I didn't want him thinking I've been pining and miserable and "not up to it," nor desperate to see him, so I said I was busy for the next couple of days, so maybe at the end of the week. Then we both said our goodbyes.

 

Yesterday he texted me to say he knew we were supposed to meet (though we actually never decided on a day) but he wouldn't be able to make it, as he was catching a ride home with a friend, but maybe we could next week if I was around. I did not respond right away and later he sent another text saying that he could postpone and catch a bus later so that we could still meet. I responded (after some time) with "Hey! I didn't realize we decided to meet today and I'm busy actually. Have fun in _____!" And he replied "thanks! sorry about that." I hope that was nonchalant enough, and it actually doesn't bother me that we didn't meet...but I'm not sure where to go from here (should I have set another time? I didn't think I should).

 

From this thread I know that actions speak louder than words. He SAYS won't change his mind about the breakup for 6 months (apparently) but is also telling me he misses me, chatting with me for an hour, says he feels a void. Does he just want to be friends? If he just wants friendship, why tell me these things? Why ask for friendship with someone who was pathetically begging for you back a few weeks ago? Why would you want someone around who has feelings for you still? I just don't understand. He could have offered to give my stuff back without all the emails and chats and sentiments/jokes. And what did he mean when he said my birthday night was too much fun?!?! What does that mean?!??? I wish I'd asked...if I ask now it will seem like I'm obsessing (which admittedly, I guess I am).

 

I know there is no sense trying to understand what he is thinking or what he means. I suppose his lack of action says more huh?

 

I have moved on in a way, making new plans that do not take him into account (for the summer, and a trip afterwards), hanging with friends and meeting new people, and I have accepted the break up. I've been getting my life back in order and going to therapy regularly, and I've attracted the attention of other men. I feel pretty good about everything. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do next? Continue to do nothing? We've always been each other's best friends, and I guess he wants to still be friends. I want him in my life…and I used to think I would take him as a boyfriend or a friend, but maybe its too hard to do that now. He doesn't have many close friends. He always used to get really needy when we didn't see each other a lot (even over this past Christmas), could this happen again, or if I continue to leave initiating contact up to him will he move on and continue to be happier without me?

 

That whole last paragraph was completely not nonchalant, but if I can't be pathetic and honest here on ena, where can I be?

 

Any advice/encouragement/opinions from you wise strangers would be so appreciated

[missyD]

Oh my goodness, Crap and everyone else I just saw how long my post was. Hardly nonchalant, but I'm a stickler for detail.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I have moved on in a way, making new plans that do not take him into account (for the summer, and a trip afterwards), hanging with friends and meeting new people, and I have accepted the break up. I've been getting my life back in order and going to therapy regularly, and I've attracted the attention of other men.

 

That sounds good. You're doing the right thing.

You see the writing on the wall and realize he's not likely to come back.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what I should do next? Continue to do nothing? We've always been each other's best friends, and I guess he wants to still be friends. I want him in my life…and I used to think I would take him as a boyfriend or a friend, but maybe its too hard to do that now. He doesn't have many close friends. He always used to get really needy when we didn't see each other a lot (even over this past Christmas), could this happen again, or if I continue to leave initiating contact up to him will he move on and continue to be happier without me?

 

That whole last paragraph was completely not nonchalant, but if I can't be pathetic and honest here on ena, where can I be?

 

Missy,

We've all been there. We know how it hurts.

 

You know the answer:

Keep to No Contact and non-chalance.

 

 

Try to limit your interaction with him.

Don't text him and if he texts, try not to respond.

If you have to respond, don't respond immediately.

And keep your response short, same with email, facebook, phone.

Give him some "mystery" and make him want to know what you're up to.

 

Don't meet up with him or go on dates, which is what they are.

If you see him in public, keep your meetings short.

Tell him you have somewhere you have to go to, even if you don't.

Stay strong.

 

 

Yes, he says he wants to be friends, but being "friends" doesn't work for former lovers.

 

Remember:

"Being friends" helps YOUR EX heal and move on.

Going NC helps YOU heal and move on.

You need to think of yourself here.

 

Hope you get over him, which it sounds like you're starting to do...

[sfindependent]

@clarencerutherford- how u been brother???? doing well on my end. hope errryone's doing well

[missyD]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

I have been limiting interaction with him (haven't initiated contact in over two weeks, haven't seen him in person in three weeks). And I'm certainly trying to delay responses and keep them short, leave things to the imagination.

 

And its working in terms of me feeling better and moving on. Which is great, I'm much happier like this than I was before.

 

I guess...seeing as how this is in the Getting Back Together Forum, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to reconcile with him. Do I need to? Do I need him? Absolutely not. Would I like him back in my life as my partner? Absolutely. I feel I am in a much better place. I can't know though, where he's at at all.

 

Do I have a chance of this happening? I know you can't see the future and neither can I. I'd be lying if I wasn't a little hopeful. At one point I was considering staying in town for the summer, because he would be and maybe we'd work out before then or during that time. But I knew that that was crazy and I should not be taking him into consideration when I make plans like that. That doesn't mean I've shut the door on him entirely though.

[missyD]

Just to add:

 

I think I'm a little afraid that I've already helped him move on by meeting with him a few times early on, and staying in contact with him for the first week of the breakup when he was very upset. I'm worried that his feelings for me are gone because I helped him feel better.

[ClarenceRutherford]

deleted. duplicate posting.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I have been limiting interaction with him (haven't initiated contact in over two weeks, haven't seen him in person in three weeks). And I'm certainly trying to delay responses and keep them short, leave things to the imagination.

 

And its working in terms of me feeling better and moving on. Which is great, I'm much happier like this than I was before.

 

That's great. I know NC and non-chalance sounds great but isn't always easy to implement.

 

When my NEAR-fiance dumped me @26, it devastated me and I did all the things we guys new to relationships did wrong. Was my first real relationship and knew nothing about NC and non-chalance.

Phoned her constantly, tried to figure out what was wrong, called her friend, etc., and used a box of kleenex...

 

If we had the internet in the late 80s, I'd have been all over these forums....

 

So no worry on you writing "too long" an account of your situation.

Methinks writing about it, or journaling, that's therapeutic and can help you.

 

He took me out for my birthday, which was weird at first...but then we had fun, like old times (and...we slept together. I know, bad idea).

 

 

Don't feel too bad about that. You two had a relationship and that was one of the things you did.

But I think you now realize sleeping with him didn't accomplish anything. It may have been more of a sexual satisfaction thing to him than him realizing how much he missed your body...

He knows you're "weak" so....

 

Maybe you let him make moves on you bec. you thought it might help "win him back..."

I know women use sex like that, so no biggie. We're all human.

(Just like women who'll offer their bodies to keep a guy from leaving...)

 

A woman I dated for 3-4 mos. after that devastating breakup, realized while she was a pretty blonde any guy would be happy with, I didn't see a future with her so broke us up.

Yes, she was disappointed.

Wasn't sexual with her so no attachment on that end.

 

The night I came to her apt. to tell her about the breakup, she was in bed with her jammies.

Her roomie was there so no biggie.

She, however, told me she'd "give herself to me" if I didn't leave.

Told her that was a nice offer, but I feel I gotta move on...

 

We "remained friends." Yeah, big mistake.

She came over to my place a couple of months later.

Noticed an "unintentional" erection. Honestly, I wasn't thinking of being sexual with her. Couldn't imagine ML with someone I didn't have feelings for.

She made a move (unzipping, touching) which I didn't resist but didn't take it any farther like now looking back, realized I could have easily done. (In periods of loneliness in my late 20s, kinda wished I had done, sorry).

But I wasn't that kind of guy.

 

Please tell me, though,

when you were ML with him (and I know it wasn't casual sex to you), you didn't beg him or ask him to come back, right?

Or tell him how much you missed him?

Did you tell him you loved him?

Could see myself saying such things at a time like that, so no issue.

If you'd prefer answering that in a PM, that may be better.

 

 

We've gotten together a few times for coffee and I faked it through, as though I'm great and I've accepted the break up (at the time I had not, but I do now), and we have fun together.

 

You're getting to be a good actress.

 

I guess...seeing as how this is in the Getting Back Together Forum, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to reconcile with him. Do I need to? Do I need him? Absolutely not. Would I like him back in my life as my partner? Absolutely. I feel I am in a much better place. I can't know though, where he's at at all.

 

Do I have a chance of this happening? I know you can't see the future and neither can I. I'd be lying if I wasn't a little hopeful. At one point I was considering staying in town for the summer, because he would be and maybe we'd work out before then or during that time. But I knew that that was crazy and I should not be taking him into consideration when I make plans like that. That doesn't mean I've shut the door on him entirely though.

You're realistic.

You're wise not to make plans like that.

 

If he wants to see you regularly, should be on YOUR terms. You're stronger now and less needy, like you posted.

 

 

On the "getting back together" hope, you're not alone.

Last year, began thinking of the memories I had with that NEAR-fiance some 20 years ago.

 

Almost called her. Or her friend. Just to "catch up."

Had her friend's number and was ready to dial.... but decided to do a web search on this topic.

Reading advice on these boards convinced me wouldn't do any good and only make me feel worse.

Felt bad enough already about that failed romance.

 

So best to move on.

You're doing well, Missy.

[missyD]

Its nice to hear some reassurance that I'm doing ok thanks

 

Please tell me, though,

when you were ML with him (and I know it wasn't casual sex to you), you didn't beg him or ask him to come back, right?

Or tell him how much you missed him?

Did you tell him you loved him?

 

No I didn't say any of those things. While it would have been nice if ML had worked to get him back, going into it I knew not to expect that. From what he said afterwards, to him it seemed like a good way to say goodbye

 

Though I try not to, I still wonder why he brought up that night when he messaged me last weekend. He said it was so much fun. "Almost too much

Like I said, I joked it off, but why would he say that? Is he regretting it? I definitely should not be asking him...right?

 

Also, how do I make it on my terms if I'm at the mercy of waiting from him to initiate contact?

[CrapAtNC]

So, my ex is back—the one I came on here for. We're not romantic in any way, but she's being incredibly sweet, has unblocked me on Facebook, invited me for dinner, and hung out with me several times this week. She first got in touch to ask for my help in getting a new job in my field, and of course I obliged. But I've been nonchalant to a tee, not once asking about her love life nor asking her out, and basically doing nothing to scare her away.

 

The thing is, I don't know if I fancy her now. She's still quite pretty 'n' all; I just don't have that magical feeling of attraction that I used to have. But I am incredibly happy that we're friends once again, as that really is all I have wanted and the reason why I have dropped her a friendly line every six months or so.

 

It seemed impossible that we'd ever talk again after the very crazy stuff that went on after we broke up, so it's kind of funny to see so many emails from her in my inbox (about her job-seeking mostly). So while you must always be careful not to care too much about anything your ex says or does, never give up hope that you'll one day be in a position to rekindle something of what you may once have had. I'm sure I could pursue something more with her, but it's not what I want right now.

 

Best of luck to you all!

 

Nonchalantly,

 

Crap

[loulou37]

Hey Crap never thought i'd see you on here again!! i loved your posts, kept me going some days, so thanks for that.

 

And best of luck to you too!

 

loulou x

[lanaa]

Hey Crap,so glad to read that how much time has passed since the break up and did you do NC ?

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks, loulou.

 

Lanaa, it's been about four years since we last broke up. I went NC after a while, but would drop a line every six months or so. I actually sent her a funny message about a month ago, and, as i suspected would happen eventually, it prompted her to contact me when she was ready knowing that I would be receptive (but not pushy or needy any more).

[JonasWaingaro]

Crazy! I remember reading this thread when I got here so loooong ago. I was crap at both NC and non-chalance. haha So it never worked for me but it is interesting to read and follow. I'll be watching this thread.

[Mark33]

How to respond nonchalantly to the weird things that my gf said lately...

 

1 year relationship, with most of the time high quality awesome moments together,

great trips to the seaside, sweet love, mutual orgasms, everything really beautiful...

 

only lately she got a little bored because everything is too good... always

I fulfill all of her dreams, I look good, I have great job, I am intelligent,

caring, everything.

 

2 evenings ago, though, there were pure "twilight zone" moments, I didn't know how to react,

and please, i want to know what you would do in my situation, what is the best way to react

to that? Probably something light and funny and casual and NONCHALANT?

 

Because our relationship is great and I don't want to take it down the way of the drama...

 

 

So... WHAT HAPENNED:

 

 

She said at about 1 AM in the night: "take me home, I know I was supposed to stay at your place

tonight, but just take me home"

How to react nonchalantly to that?

 

Ok, so I walk her home, I take her into my arms and walk with her, and she says

"I hope you will not drop me". I found it weird.

And I say: "I never dropped you in my life"

 

I should have said something nonchalant, but what?

 

Then she says even weirder thing:

"I hope you will not disappear tomorrow with

my ipad 2"

I say do you say such strange thing? Did I ever in my life

steal anything from you?!!?"

She says: "Well don't start today"

 

I sincerely have no idea how to react to such weird things she

said, how to play it cool, I really don't want to go into fights

and drama just because she has maybe a mood swing...

[CrapAtNC]

When you don't know what to say, say nothing, or just completely change the subject and move on. It works.

[aminaSa]

8 months since breakup ,still not over him.He is in a new relationship.But he keeps contacting me.How can i be nonchalant? if i ignore him,he writes again

[Mark33]

what is his goal, aminasa ?

[mhowe]

8 months since breakup ,still not over him.He is in a new relationship.But he keeps contacting me.How can i be nonchalant? if i ignore him,he writes again

 

He is in a new relationship....let him write until he runs out of ink. Do not respond.

[ChasingShadows]

Gotta say, I love this thread and it couldn't come at a better time. Thanks CrapatNC...not that you care though lol

[RandomNobody]

@CrapAtNC:

 

You may or may not remember me from several months back. I was dumped a year and a half ago and, by some miracle of life, I ended up here and learnt.

 

You have taught me much, much more than I will ever be able to pay back. I went back to re-read your first post in this thread: "The positive changes this has brought to all areas of my life have been nothing short of miraculous". Today, a year later, I can say the same. Like you, I have grown and learnt. Like you, I have seen all aspects of my life permeated with this marvelous doctrine, lifestyle or whatever anyone may wish to call it.

 

A year and a half ago I was dumped: I cried like a baby, I begged her to take me back and chased her for a couple months. Half a year later, I ended up dating another girl in what I can proudly say was a much, much healthier relationship in every single aspect. A year into this new relationship, which was wonderful every single second it lasted, my new lover cheated on me. She never confessed: I found out by accident and, when confronted, she denied all of it and even accused me of making it up. Regardless, I was forced to dump her, as my knowledge was certain, and not hearsay. Indeed a few days later she confessed (although she rationalized it: How it wasn't cheating for her because blah blah blah I can't even remember honestly). She showed no signs of remorse other than a dissapointingly sterile "sorry". She's still interested in me, but does not, by far, meet my expectations of how to go about actually conveying that you're sorry and trying to fix things. Either way, I'm not certain I could ever forgive a cheater.

 

What is most important in this story is: I had to dump her, even if I still love her. I didn't cry. I didn't feel pain. It was hard, incredibly hard, but I did it. I never looked back. I am in control of myself.This is not about not acknowledging your emotions: I love this woman dearly. I still love my ex dearly, too. However, I am in control of myself and my emotions: I have gained perspective, I can now see why neither woman is right for me. I will not go back.

 

I am living proof that this "nonchalance stuff" works. I was weak, I am now strong. I was a baby, I am now a man. It's not about not having or not acknowledging your feelings or emotions, it's about not letting them get to you. Not letting them call the shots.

 

To CrapAtNC: I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I came to you, baby to man, in search of help. I now come back to you, man to man, and give you thanks. Your teachings have made my entire life a joyous thrill to look forward to, no matter the circumstances. Unsurprisingly, this change of attitude has also made my life a much more mature affair in which I constantly achieve greater and greater things.

 

To anyone trying to follow his advice, feeling the pain, taking baby steps and stumbling on the way: Keep going on. Gather all of your strength and bravery and continue. Even if you fall. Even if you take one, two or a hundred steps back, get your * * * * together and start walking again. I swear to you: You WILL begin reaping incredible benefits at one point of this neverending, arduous journey.

[CrapAtNC]

Nice post, Rukumouru! I am very happy to see what you have achieved for yourself. And I love your summary of nonchalance: "It's not about not having or not acknowledging your feelings or emotions, it's about not letting them get to you. Not letting them call the shots." That's exactly what it is. Very well said.

 

I think that nonchalance is really a by-product of (as well as a way of getting to) achieving self value, and it's self value that sees our attractiveness to others escalate. I have a very solid rule in my life now of simply not accepting any behavior that is harmful to my happiness, progress, goals, etc. I am very close to living my dream life at the moment, and a big reason for that is that I make sure I only have motors in my life and no anchors. I simply cut those anchors loose (they get a second chance, but if they prove they don't value that, they go). I've had to walk away from some people and situations I was very attached to, but now I have a life filled with people and situations that I totally love and appreciate and that take me higher instead of dragging me down.

 

And the attitude helps those it cuts loose. The ex is back, though not romantically, and we've ended up in exactly the same situation as before, with her working with me. I had to think long and hard about giving her a job, but since all our communication over the previous few months has been positive, I decided we could give it a try. And it's working great. We get along really well, she's helped me immensely, and others have noticed the positive changes she has helped bring to the workplace.

 

Yesterday, she started to get into a bad mood when I asked her to do something she didn't want to do. So I spoke firmly but kindly, and she did what I asked but slammed a door as she went. I gave her some breathing time then approached her and told her very matter-of-factly, with no negative emotion, that, for the sake of the people and animals here, we do not accept any moody behaviour or other negativity, and that I understand she has a right to behave any way she wants, so if she can't follow requests nicely that is up to her, totally fine, but she would have to go home. Then I moved on, leaving her alone for a short while before returning happily and in a friendly manner as though nothing had happened.

 

For the rest of the day, she was amazing, and even stayed behind several hours after work just to hang out with me, show me cute photos, share stories, etc. My self-value and straight talking worked. She changed. Instantly. And so much for the better that I had to remind myself that it all stemmed from a moody response.

 

I do still care about her. I understand her, so I don't take anything personally any more. And that's really what's made the difference: the reason why she is so much better this time around is because I am so much better this time around, no longer letting my old insecurities bring out the worst in both of us. i control me; I control everything. Think about that before you blame your ex for something; take a good look at your own behavior and be honest with yourself about whether you may have brought out the worst in your ex yourself.

 

I'm amazed she's back in my life, even though unromantically, and I think I prefer it this way anyway. She is someone I still want to 'rescue', as my old codependence has never left me; it's just been redirected to show itself more healthily. But I know that the 'rescue' cannot be selfish if it's to benefit her. I no longer do it as a need for me and instead simply do what I can for her in a way that doesn't devalue myself. And that, you all must realise, really is the true way to love somebody.

 

Apologies for not being active in here so much. I guess that is a reflection of how happy I am enjoying real life now. I do come back and check the thread every now and again, and I get so much pleasure from seeing how others have made it all click for them, as Rukumouru has done. Just know that we will all continue to have setbacks as we climb, and that those stumbles are how we learn to take bigger, stronger steps towards greater heights.

 

Hope you're all stepping away from the Internet and getting out to enjoy real life too. Sincere best wishes to all.

 

You really will be fine. We always are. ;-)