Nonchalance is Your Friend

[ClarenceRutherford]

The past week I have been emulating most of the nonchalant behaviours that have been mentioned here. It just happened. Now that I know there is a book about it, I'm going to pick it up this weekend and really start to work on myself more

You're on the way, Centi.

 

Most of us never learned any of this.

No one told us.

 

Am just now realizing something:

Women have more insecurities than men on their looks and ability to attract a guy.

 

If I'd known that little fact when was single in my 20s... wouldn't have been so scared or afraid of asking them out

[Centi]

It wasn't a conscious effort or anything. I've just had a lot of time for self reflection and have been putting a lot of effort into becoming a better person. One of the side effects was that I have become so much more comfortable with myself. That comfort has allowed me to become somewhat nonchalant because I realized that I really did care too much.

 

Finding this thread has made my day not that I or any of you care

[anonamau5]

Well, I'm about to vent....it's been a while.

I got good and well drunk the other night and sent a bunch of texts to my ex girlfriend. Stupid move and not nonchalant.

 

The results....as you can imagine are less than desirable. I apologized via email the next day, deleted her from my phone which also removed her from Facebook as well.

 

In the apology I told her how I knew my mistakes and am leaving her alone. I mean this.

 

Done with the late nights of booze. Done with sending her texts, drunk or sober. Done with wondering about her.

 

I have to deal with myself.

I feel awful about how I ruined any potential with her. But I know if I hadn't sabotaged myself I would still be pining for her months from now. Yes, I believe subconsciously I meant to do this.

 

I used to be able to have a couple drinks and call it a night but I let my stupid ****ing insecurities get the better of me and I don't quit. I have gone long periods of staying sober. Up to 8 months. I liked me better then. It's unfortunate that where I live everything revolves around drinking.

 

It's only 4 days since I sent those texts but I feel some better already. I changed my workout schedule and bought myself a tv season of something I've been wanting to catch up on. I justified that by knowing I would easily spend that amount on a night out that I would get nothing out of.

 

So, I'm doing myself a favor and disappearing from the bars and public for a while. Down the road I will see how I feel. I don't know much but I know I have to get my head right. I also know that I have to leave my ex girlfriend alone and let her live her life. I figure actions will speak louder than words. I've made promises to her before only to get drunk and **** up. This time I'm going to prove to myself that I can make a lifelong change.

 

Today my resolve is strong. I will have moments of weakness. I expect them and welcome the challenge.

 

I believe I'm doing the right thing. I would like to hear your thoughts. Crap when you get some time, I want feedback from you! Everyone else chime in as you see fit! Now back to relaxing and living .

[anonamau5]

It's pretty quite hear. Anyway life has been great since my last post . Been busy and having more fun than I would have imagined.

It's strange how you put yourself through so much **** and then one day it just doesn't matter anymore.

Hope all is well w/the rest of you!

[Yarmer]

What's the best way to accept an apology non chala?

[happyheart]

Hello all!

 

Haven't posted here in ages. I've been living life. I'd love to say that it's been smooth sailing but it hasn't. Getting over someone while you're trying to deal with other sucky things in life can be difficult but I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I started going out, discovering new hobbies and interests (dancing and writing). I had a moment of weakness and texted him. It didn't go well. I felt horrible so I went NC. It was hard at first.

 

Sure enough, I heard from him again. I'm going to enjoy my weekend before responding.

[happyheart]

What's the best way to accept an apology non chala?

 

Don't make a big deal out of it. Just accept it with a shrug & a smile and a witty line if you got it like that.

[Janeiac]

It sounds like people are doing great in the new year. I'm glad to hear it!

 

Boston got hammerred in the big snowstorm, and I've been stuck indoors. It's not terrible tough. Actually, it's pretty good. I never lost power, I have plenty of food, I have a big TV and lots of movies and shows, I have my dog for company, and although we'd rather be outdoors we can have some fun with a squeaky toy and a rope tug.

 

It's relatively warm and sunny today, but the melting snow has made a sloppy mess. I don't want to get out in the muck but I'm starting to feel a wee bit antsy. Not even thinking about exes; meh, I don't need the grief. I'm looking forward to springtime fun, just a scant 6-8 weeks away.

 

It feels good to let it all go. Happy Valentine's Day, ENA. Love yourself!

[Silverbirch]

Hey, wondered how everyone is doing! I'm okay. Need to keep reminding myself of Non-Chalance and strive for my own happiness. The ex has been in contact with me a number of times and we are on reasonable terms - though I would never want to be back with him. Still, I do know what it was that I saw in him - but I've changed.

 

Still go out with guy who has been in my life "romantically" for a bit over 18 months. Most of the time, I think of him as a friend who I go out with, rather than as a "partner". I'm very busy with my own life and making my own happiness.

[heartbrokengir]

Thanks OP. I have realized today that I will NO LONGER be the victim, I used to always always play the victim and feel like everyone owe me something, but today, I will no longer be like that.

[Picara]

I love this thread!

 

My ex and I broke up recently - we love each other to bits, but we were locked in a very unhealthy pattern. After a lot of soul searching, I've realised for the first time in years that it's time to look at myself and deal with my abandonment and co-dependency issues. I feel like I've been putting my life on hold for ages, always waiting for a man to appear and make me happy (and repeating the same pattern) instead of creating a happy life for myself and letting someone share that with me. This has made me miserable and controlling a lot of times, and has made me stay in bad relationships for way longer than I should. But for the first time in my life, I know things will change.

 

He has similar issues, but while they make me cling, they make him put his guard up. Two sides of the same coin, I believe. I love him dearly and I'd like to be him with him again at some point, but I know that won't happen (if it does) until we have sorted this out and we need to be single for this. Still, I'll be eternally grateful that my love for him has pushed me to accept the break up as the best thing that could have happened to us and to want to work for this change - not for him, but for me.

 

I've noticed that over the years, I've found myself unable to enjoy my life plenty of times. Even if I forced myself to do new things, a lot of times I felt like I was going through the motions but couldn't really enjoy them. I think it's partly due to being so scared of what would happen to me and where would I end up, that I couldn't let go and have fun. I needed to be taking care or worrying about something. I think I'm finally learning to change that frame of mind - now that I care a little less (instead of too much) about where I'll end up and beat myself for not being where I think I should be, I feel like I'm starting to let go and I'm enjoying the ride a lot more.

 

Funny enough, I found this thread today right after getting an email from a friend of mine (after the break up I called in the troops for support and they've been awesome). This is what she sent me:

 

"“All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously."

 

At the time Switters had disputed her assertion. Even at seventeen, he was aware that depression could have chemical causes.

 

"The key word here is roots," Maestra had countered. "The roots of depression. For most people, self-awareness and self-pity blossom simultaneously in early adolescence. It's about that time that we start viewing the world as something other than a whoop-de-doo playground, we start to experience personally how threatening it can e, how cruel and unjust. At the very moment when we become, for the first time, both introspective and socially conscientious, we receive the bad news that the world, by and large, doesn't give a rat's ass. Even an old tomato like me can recall how painful, scary, and disillusioning that realization was. So, there's a tendency, then, to slip into rage and self-pity, which if indulged, can fester into bouts of depression."

 

"Yeah but Maestra - "

 

"Don't interrupt. Now, unless someone stronger and wiser - a friend, a parent, a novelist, filmmaker, teacher, or musician - can josh us out of it, can elevate us and show us how petty and pompous and monumentally useless it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which, in tern, can produce a neurological imprint. Are you with me? Gradually, our brain chemistry becomes conditioned to react to negative stimuli in a particular, predictable way. One thing'll go wrong and it'll automatically switch on its blender and mix us that black cocktail, the ol' doomsday daiquiri, and before we know it, we're soused to the gills from the inside out. Once depression has become electrochemically integrated, it can be extremely difficult to philosophically or psychologically override it; by then it's playing by physical rules, a whole different ball game. That's why Switters my dearest, every time you've shown signs of feeling sorry for yourself, I've played my blues records really loud or read to you from The Horse's Mouth. And that's why when you've exhibited the slightest tendency toward self-importance, I've reminded you that you and me - you and I: excuse me - may be every bit as important as the President or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in Hollywood, but none of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so let's not get carried away with ourselves. Preventive medicine, boy. It's preventive medicine."

 

"But what about self-esteem?"

 

"Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you're a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace - and maybe even glory.”

― Tom Robbins, Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates"

[CrapAtNC]

Glad to see everyone reaping the benefits of taking things less seriously. Just to remind you all that you will be fine. Better than fine. We always are.

 

I see lots of questions here. Too many to answer. So I'll offer this: I think you know the answer. So many of us say that we knew something was wrong before we did it and yet we still go and do it. Pay attention to your hunches and not your addiction.

 

Can you take nonchalance too far? Well, if your ex is showing interest in your new, easier, lower-maintenance, less emotional self, then clearly you want to carry on in the same vein. But you do have to let them in. I've made it very clear throughout this thread that it's important to be honest about your feelings; just deliver them in a less needy package. Don't ask for anything. Make suggestions. Don't reject offers to get together; accept with a joke and no expectations. Say if you didn't like something, but say it with a smile and move on.

 

But most of all be nonchalant about any of this working. Realize that your happiness and self worth come from within. Don't care about whether you'll get what you want. Stop asking for advice. There is no formula or recipe that you have to get exactly right. If you're asking what to do next then you've missed the point. If in doubt, do nothing. With a smile. Treat yourself to a guilty pleasure and get into doing things that make your life great.

 

Then everything will come to you. And that includes your ex—or someone far, far better. That I promise. ;-)

 

 

Crap

[sfindependent]

It does, doesn't it? Sometimes we forget, think we are in control once we practice it and it becomes always second nature. But like anything else, I suppose consciously practicing it and being aware of the need for nonchalance and acceptance and how the bigger picture really is, prevents us from being hurt later down the line once more. Heck, going through the motions (as I am right now, from a recent relationship) of hurting and elation comes and goes. But the way we hold ourselves is the only thing we can control.

 

I find myself needing to read this thread again from time to time to remind myself of myself and how I react to people.

Cheers!

[sfindependent]

Bumpity Bump.

 

Hope everyone is doing well!

[Tybalt]

This thread is so wonderful to come back to. The months and years go by, but the truth endures.

 

I broke up one week ago with a man I was seeing for just over a year. I love him, and for most of the time we were together I considered the possibility of a future and thought of him as someone with whom I could have a serious commitment.

 

However, over a month after finishing with medical school, he is wishy washy and unsure if he will stay in the state or bow to the family pressure of going back to the state in which they live. We are from different cultures and I recognize that he has pressures on him in this regard.

 

That being said, I need to be in a relationship where I can talk about whether there is any kind of future for our relationship after a year of dating. After a one-sided conversation where I gently but clearly stated that I'd like to know what is going on, he has gone dark and doesn't wish to discuss it at all. Whatever his reasons... I don't care. ;P Simply put, we are incompatible in our goals for the relationship and that has become clear in the past week via his silence - and it is all I need to know.

 

How awesome to have become attuned enough with self care and non-chalance that after a year, I'm returning to an equilibrium within a week. And I am not angry, allowing my self esteem to plummet, or ruminating excessively for weeks as I might have done before. After a week he has made a weak overture or two via text, but still not been willing to address my request for discussing the relationship. That's fine, but I'm not interested in crumbs. A simple, pleasant response without emotional investment is all that is needed, or if I don't feel like it for awhile, none at all. It isn't nearly enough from him so I can't really be bothered right now.

 

I think I shall go to a play tomorrow with a girlfriend I haven't seen in years. That sounds like a lovely plan!

 

Non-chalance is self love in a nutshell, and a non-agitated acceptance of others. It is peace, wisdom, and a way of living life that will help you weather any storm. Because when you can giggle a bit at the ludicrous nature of a situation, and release the things in your life that do not work for you, you're on to something big!

[Janeiac]

I'd say you are onto something *huge*, Tybalt! Good for you, and thanks for sharing the view from the winners' circle

[Leyla]

I don't think I can ever thank you enough, Crap! This thread has helped me deal with so much lately! I used to care so much about everyone that I smothered all the people around me. The things is that the one who ended up getting hurt in the end was always me because people wouldn't give me back the love and attention that I was giving them. The latest guy I liked told me it was my smothering attitude that drove him away from me. I recently decided that it was time to change my life and change the way I think. I started being myself and doing things that made ME happy rather than focus on making others around me happy. I've felt so much better since then. I sleep better at night and I have a much healthier relationship with the people around me. People around me have more respect for me, and even the guy that I drove away started talking to me again. I can't ever thank you enough, Crap. I was in a very dark place when I discovered this thread, and I am now finally at peace with myself.

[Juha]

So, I am now finding my way back to being good again and not letting things get to me. Anxiety really ate me up and killed me and my relationships with family, friends, and my gf ( who I love, adore and would do anything for). She broke up, for good reason. I was a mess and smothering her, grasping to her like a life preserver. I told her what had been going on and I was working on me to get better and that is when she broke up with me.

 

I do not know the reason(s) for why she left but am sure me being a mess had at least part of it. She broke up and never talked and still have not. She did not want to and still does not.

Went nc and then she got in touch and she was/is all over the place. She is angry, distant, cold towards me. Does not ask about me and does not talk about anything personal dealing with either of us.

She also unfriended me on fb. She just keeps telling me that we are never getting back together, ever. She does not want to go back to that relationship and we can only spend time together as friends, yet she does not act or treat me like a friend so I am back into nc as I do not know what else to do.

 

A month ago I got angry at her and should not have. I was not good yet but am getting so close. My question is how do we get back into contact? Do I just wait for her to break the ice? Seeing how she has been with me I don't see any other way.

 

I love this thread, it has been so helpful. I thank everyone who has posted in it. I come and read it all the time to keep focused. I know I still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go but I know I will get there. My relationships with my family and friends has been much better and they all forgive me and feels so good. With the ex it's dead. Has been no contact between us for a month now and don't see that changing anytime soon, unfortunately.

 

Knowing her she will not look and see how different I am and would never even try us again as she would be afraid or just keeps moving forward telling herself I have not changed or it's not real...

[Silverbirch]

Hi All. I'm needing to read and re-read this thread over and over though I'm actually doing okay. I have realised that I am on good terms with 3 exes now, and they have all contacted me when they have heard I have been in difficult times and offered to help me out. It feels so much better to be on good terms with people.

 

 

One of my exes is bringing his dog over for a visit this morning as she is having to be put down. That dog and I adore each other. I spent some time with them last week Nd so grateful I can do this.

 

It seems thT particular ex has met "The One" and in any case, I am over that loss now and have moved on. I wish him the best. There is still another ex I feel more attachment to than I would like, but I need to remind myself of nonchalance and that healing is possible.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using link removed

[dori]

But back when I was still with my ex, I was quite upset when my boyfriend did not seem to care about me....

[CrapAtNC]

Been away for a while. Had to pop back to remind myself how nonchalance is so good for relationships where we might otherwise be too emotional and destructive. Hoping nonchalance is working for everyone else here.

 

Wishing everyone a nonchalant Year of the Sheep—happy Chinese New Year!

[Janeiac]

Me too, Crap, me too!

 

I've been calm and settled into singlehood for almost two years now. I wouldn't go back to all the heartache and drama of the past.

[Janeiac]

How are all my nonchalant friends doing? I've been buried in snow here in Boston. The worst of it has melted this week, though, and spring is coming soon.

[jphcbpa]

Detach with Love. This thread reminds me of the Al-Anon approach.

 

You can be happy regardless...

[rainmistdb]

Hello, Mr. Crap and Fellow Nonchalanters!

 

Thanks for this thread. I have enjoyed it immensely and I think I have learned quite a bit from it, too. I also loved the reasons for going NC. I would like your advice on how to deal with some specific scenarios involving my ex.

 

Here is just a little background information. I have had two previous serious relationships that I ended and had no desire to reconcile, so NC was no problem. My last relationship is a little tricky. I was together with my ex for almost 5 years. I loved and love him deeply and I am not sure yet where I stand on reconciliation. I think it is a possibility, if he is able to dig himself out of ambiguity and confusion and he decides that I am indeed a good partner for him. Obviously, I can't say that will be case, but I will be fine, regardless.

 

There is a lot of love between us, of that I am sure. The break-up was absolutely needed for various reasons but it essentially boils down to me losing myself and giving too much to the point where I had to push for an ultimatum (to which I knew he would say no to), because I couldn't break up with him and I knew that I needed to get out because I was deeply unhappy. I needed to regain my independence and to feel whole again, without him. He also needed the break-up to figure out his own stuff.

 

The main issue in our relationship was his inability to truly commit to it (thus a lot of ambiguity from him, didn't close the doors to other girls that were interested in him, I felt like I as always waiting and pushing for him to become the partner that I knew he could be but wasn't etc.), despite that he loved me and wanted to share the rest of his life with me. That seeped into our relationship and I become insecure and he took me for granted and under-appreciated me. Eventually, it was just not healthy for either of us.

 

The break-up was about 2.5 months ago. But it's been more like a divorce because our life was so intertwined and we still have some financial stuff that we need to share at this point. And that's fine. We had a few debriefings since then about the break-up. I was very honest about everything that hurt me, without attacking him. In the beginning, he was defensive, but then he was able to get some perspective and he apologized and owned up to everything that I said. I also apologized for my parts. I told him, I was not interested in being friends at his request, I asked for space, and clearly delineated my boundaries. He had a little of trouble in the beginning with them, but he got on board and we only talked/texted a few times to have those debriefs. Otherwise, we were NC. It was also clear from our conversations that he was still in love with me, but was still confused and giving me mixed messages, and that he hadn't really decided what he wanted in regards to me. He talked about reconciliation and I asked him not to talk about it unless that is something he decides that he wants and wants to fight for it.

 

And then, I felt like everything was said and it was time to let go, forgive him, and focus on my healing. So the break-up was actually pretty healthy, we both stepped up - ironically, we become the people that we needed to be in our relationship during our break-up! I have been truly NC for about 10 days and it has been pretty easy for me because I think it was the right thing to do for both us. In the middle of it I got a text from him about missing me and then a apology for it the next morning. I didn't respond because I didn't want to encourage that behavior. I felt slightly guilty for not being nice about it, but I realized that there wasn't much that I needed to say to that. And it's been good. I am starting to feel like myself again. I've done so much emotional work and it was excruciating but boy, was it worth it! I still have more work to do and I feel good about it.

 

Here are my issues. One of the things that he talked about is how he never chased me and how he never really got to decide to be in the relationship with me (we fell really hard for each other and so, there wasn't much chasing). He talked about how he needed the space to decide that he does want me and to be willing to give me what I need and deserve and to then fight for me. Honestly, I believe in part that this is his intention if indeed he ultimately decides that I am a good partner for him, which may or may not happen. On the other hand, he has given me so many mixed signals that I have trouble trusting him, which I think is perfectly normal given the circumstances, because after all, he may never get his together. And I want to make sure that through this process, I won't lose all the work that I have done on myself but also be able remain open whatever the future brings. So here are my questions.

 

1. My birthday is coming up. I fear that he will attempt to get in touch. I think that given the fact that I told him I didn't want to be friends, it should be clear that he shouldn't text me. If he does, my instinct tells me to not respond. But part of me is scared that it will him push away, I guess and that's why I would love to hear what you guys think.

 

2. At one point we will have some stuff to exchange. We have exchanged stuff previously once without seeing each other and once seeing each other. The next time this needs to happen, which way do you think I should go about it - seeing him or doing it without seeing him?

 

3. I also think that at some point he will contact me to meet up and talk. My instinct tells me to tell him that previously he was pretty mired in ambiguity, it felt unhealthy, and I don't want to be around that. It's truly how I feel. Then it will be up to him to clarify what state he is in....What do you think?

 

Thank you!!!!!