Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CMS]

Hi Crap. I'm feeling a bit better today. I kind of knew that she wouldn't reply, but I was surprised at how much I reacted to that. It's gonna be fine though. The worst has passed I think. In a way, perhaps it's better this way, another nail in the coffin so to speak. I had something similar with my ex ex, messaging her and getting no reply, but months later, she was contacting me. I know what happened this week means nothing in the long run, it's just indicative of where ever she is at.

 

I'm finding letting go still hard, although I have long periods when I have let go, I seem to slip back. I'm sure you can relate.

 

Dude it happens, but you will survive, true story

[Janeiac]

MissMazzi, a lot of us here know how you feel and have been in a similar situation. Crap's right, anything you do to try to communicate with your ex at this point can only make things worse.

 

If you really must write, and get things off your chest, by all means do so-- just don't send it or even let anyone see it. File it away in an obscure directory of your hard drive or if it's on paper put it in an out-of-reach corner of a closet or something like that.

 

Writing for yourself can be cathartic and healing. If it helps, tell yourself you may some day let your ex have this letter, just not now.

 

I know it's tough right now, but you'll be ok. Hang in there.

[foreverscorned]

i wanted to thank every person who has participated in this thread. over the past 2 days, i have read through damn near all of it. it has been therapeutic to read everyone's stories and i feel a bit stronger having been able to relate to a lot of them. it somehow restored some of my faith in people.

 

i had originally sent a pm to Crap with my story, but i will post the most recent happenings here. i used to be a nonchalant person. 7 years ago, i suffered a lot of loss and fell into a depression, i lost my way and in doing so, i lost someone i love dearly. before even reading this thread, i wanted to get back my former self; the person that i really am inside. reading this thread in its entirety has helped me more than i could have imagined.

 

my ex-girlfriend has been gone for about 6 weeks now. we talk through texts most of the time, occasionally a phone call or aim. she initiates 95% of all contact. she told me earlier that i am acting like the person she fell in love with again. that if some spark were to happen between us again, she is very open to the idea.

 

we are both going to meet new people, not specifically for dating. simply for the sake of meeting. i am apprehensive, but i know it should be done. the coming weeks will be my true test and as of right now, i wish i could just bury my head in the ground while it passes. the idea of someone taking her away is sickening. that is the meaning of selfish, but i haven't found a way to be nonchalant about that specific subject. rather than smile in acceptance, i show a sort of censure. are there any tips on how to remain nonchalant when dealing with that? it has always been a weakness of mine.

 

i tried to keep this story concise, but it's hard to do when you feel so strongly about someone. i'm sure you all know that already lol. i know my writing has a very serious tone, but i can honestly say it felt great to get this out here. i might even be smiling

[CrapAtNC]

Whose idea was it that you both meet new people? If you don't like the idea, be upfront about it. Tell her it's not what you want, but if that's what she wants to do you know you have to accept it and let her go. Don't get emotional. Don't play games. Just be sincere and explain that you're fine being friends, but not right now. Tell her you want her (not need her), that you don't want someone else to have her. Then be absolutely resolute about not sticking around to watch her go off with someone else.

 

It seems to me she wants you to show that you want her (because of your recent nonchalance, she's not sure). Your sticking around to watch and support her going off with someone else would tell her that you really are over her. She's testing you.

 

Do all of this knowing that you will be absolutely fine regardless, and have a plan prepared for how you will go off the radar and find ways to distract and improve yourself for a while. I'm certain that honesty and composure are the key for you. But do be prepared for this to get a lot more sticky before it gets more solid. I'd say you're in with a good chance, so maintain that nonchalance (it's fine to convey how you feel; just do it in a non-emotional, non-needy, non-manipulative way; hence the wanting rather than needing—which is of course true).

 

And welcome to the thread! I'm very happy that nonchalance is helping you achieve a happier, healthier frame of mind.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Crap and Everyone,

Am feeling a bit emotional right now, and really want to get a hold of NC. I have heard back from the ex about finally getting the rest of my stuff in a bit over a weeks time. He's mentioned having a coffee, and a while back said he had hoped we could be friends. As you likely know, at first, I took the breakup very badly and hoped and prayed we would get back together, that he was just going through a midlife crisis. The official breakup will have been 3 months when I get to see him. I've been good at maintaining NC apart from some minor contact in relation to property. He hasn't initiated any contact with me.

 

I'm a bit scared because over the last couple of months, he hasn't actually done anything to show that he is a friend, and he was quite awful at the BU. I didn't say a real lot at the BU because at that time, I thought he was just having a type of breakdown/depression/midlife crisis. I've just been coming to terms of late, that it is in fact a real breakup, that he isn't coming back, and he really hasn't been very nice to me.

 

I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I know that for my pride and ego, I want him to see that I'm looking great, and getting on with my life. I've lost a little weight, and now an ideal weight, very slim and shapely, had Botox and a hair makeover from top salon, changed my make-up too and accumulated more bling. I'm looking okay. Went back to practising my faith, and new interests, making new friends, reduced my working hours, responsibility and stress, and really have tried hard even though I feel I've fallen flat on my face so many times.

 

I thought we were going to be together forever - we were together 4 years. It's been so hard to see how easily and unemotionally he dumped me. I don't want to ask friends to be involved in me collecting my things and some of my things are valuable. I don't want them left outside his house.

 

I just want to have the right attitudes so I can hold myself together and my head up, and for my dignity to remain intact. If he does attack me again, blaming me for everything, I doubt if I will just keep my mouth shut as I did the last time I saw him.

 

I think it is very likely that he will tell me he is now with somebody else which is to be expected eventually anyway.

 

Any advice? Appreciate any support I can get with this. Thank you.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I didn't say a real lot at the BU because at that time, I thought he was just having a type of breakdown/depression/midlife crisis.

 

...

I just want to have the right attitudes so I can hold myself together and my head up, and for my dignity to remain intact. If he does attack me again, blaming me for everything, I doubt if I will just keep my mouth shut as I did the last time I saw him.

Maintain your dignity during such times.

During my BU with this 30 y.o. virgin I dated at 26 -- a NEAR-fiance (the first real relationship for both), when she dumped me, she became angry and started attacking ME.

 

"All you could think about was getting married after returning from your best friend's wedding...."

and

"how I never did this" and "always did that..."

All sorts of groundless or needless accusations. Like it was MY fault she was dumping me.

 

Should have just walked out that moment instead of standing there taking it like a punching bag, shocked that it was all coming apart and little I could do. Guess I saw the real her.

 

 

Went back to practising my faith, and new interests, making new friends, reduced my working hours, responsibility and stress, and really have tried hard even though I feel I've fallen flat on my face so many times.

 

That's good. Many people return to their religion to help them through such crises. I did as well (God, you feel so hurt and alone) but was actually a little disappointed that I felt I was "forgotten" or "abandoned" during that time of trouble.

[ClarenceRutherford]

To add:

Don't think I necessarily did anything "wrong" in that above 6 month relationship, other than being a little clingy and needy. Knew nothing about NC and non-chalance, so was quite naive.

 

Of course, am human and didn't always say the right things, but didn't provoke arguments, cheat or do anything that would upset her.

 

If Tammy ever recognizes my postings, would hope she thought I was a Good Guy who tried to treat her well and only wanted the best for her, despite how mean she was at the end.

"Stay away. Don't call me again. I don't want you..."

And hope she's forgiven me for how I overreacted to the unexpected BU and attempted contact too many times.

Once she turned 30, all hell broke lose and there wasn't anything she couldn't find wrong with me.

 

 

 

As she was a virgin, didn't press her for sex and respected her stance. Was willing to wait as I truly wanted a relationship more than sexual pleasure.

 

Caressed one of her breasts outside of her shirt one night-- the farthest she said any guy had gotten with her, so she obv. had some problems or hang-ups.

There are so many things I would have done differently had I been transported back to those days of my mid-late 20s, like be a little more aggressive in the sexuality area.

 

Let's just say I wasn't as timid in my 30s, as I figured this girl I was with could be the only pleasure I may ever receive and didn't want to remain single the rest of my life, as it then appeared might happen.

 

Sorry for the rant but it is on-topic with NC and nonchalance.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Clarence. I think I need to be mindful that even if I do have a coffee with him, to not stay very long. My plan is to be polite and dignified, friendly as I would be to a person I work with or an acquaintance, and to not engage in any discussion about our former relationship. Once I've collected my things, I don't think that I am going to want to see him for a fair amount of time. I've got things I need to be doing, and need to put him further out of my mind.

 

If I'm really honest with myself, for several reasons, maybe pride and ego, I would love for him to pursue me, but I really don't know if I want to be caught - definitely not at the present time anyway. I'm genuinely beginning to see things differently.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Thank you Clarence. I think I need to be mindful that even if I do have a coffee with him, to not stay very long. My plan is to be polite and dignified, friendly as I would be to a person I work with or an acquaintance, and to not engage in any discussion about our former relationship. Once I've collected my things, I don't think that I am going to want to see him for a fair amount of time. I've got things I need to be doing, and need to put him further out of my mind.

Silver,

Please seriously consider having a friend pickup your belongings.

It's wise you plan not to spend much time with him and keep the conversation simple (and avoid talking about your relationship), but seeing your EX isn't gonna do you any good and could cause you more emotional pain.

 

You'd do the same thing for one of your friends, right?

 

Read this poster's account of returning a bicycle to a former fiance who dumped him.

My fiancee left me out of the blue

link removed

 

The OP there, GP, postes here on ENA as well. The transfer went okay as he couldn't get his friends to make the move for him, but look at how the other posters strongly advised him to ask a friend to handle the bicycle situation.

 

Had a similar situation as I had left my bike at my former NEAR-fiance's home. Handled it like GP did. Wasn't good seeing Tammy's stone- cold face and anger toward me.

 

I posted later in that thread under a username I used to use here....

 

link removed

 

For some reason, I felt strong empathy with that poster, as I had endured a similar loss.

 

Try to read that guy's entire thread. You may gain something from it as you may have had similar expectations with your EX.

 

 

ADDED:

Looking back, one thing I realized about that failed relationship, I didn't have real love or mature love.

 

What I thought was my love for her was more my needs, desires, clingyness, etc.

Going through most of my 20s without a significant relationship, a guy tends to latch onto the first woman he gets serious with.

Real or genuine love means putting the other's wants and needs first, even if that means they would be happier away from you.

 

Didn't feel that way (never heard of nonchalance or NC) and if I encountered a similar situation today, would have to walk away realizing what's best for me isn't necessarily best for the other.

[Janeiac]

Janeiac, ...

It's hard to accept that we can give so much of ourselves that we actually push others away, but that's exactly what you're doing. ...

 

My advice is the same: it's time to nonchalantly walk away from this guy and make him work hard to get you back. You're currently a pushover, and that's why you're not valued. Stop allowing him to do totally unacceptable things ...

 

I need help/advice doing this. Things did get better, but not better enough. I still have some of the same problems with Guy.

One of my biggest faults is not understanding how to frame things and not choosing the correct, appropriate words. Crap, you may recall we exchanged a couple of posts on the topic of tact and saying things in a way they can be heard and not having the other person feel attacked and getting defensive. I mean, I fail to have tact.

 

I'm still missing something important. I'm trying to get it, really I am.

 

Guy's been blowing me off again. I know that giving him a hard time about it will only drive him away. I know saying nothing makes me resentful and is putting myself into a victim or martyr role.

 

Please help me find perspective. I'd really appreciate some suggestions on constructive framing of words to achieve the walking away and the not tolerating. All I can think to do is scream EFF YOU WE ARE DONE and I know for sure that doesn't help.

[TomboyMS]

All I can think to do is scream EFF YOU WE ARE DONE and I know for sure that doesn't help.

 

I kinda like it.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Clarence and Thanks. I don't feel able to ask anyone to help me out. My very closest friend had offered, she has been very sick since the offer, and I would rather just do it myself. I wasn't able to access all of the posts you linked to but did search through some of GP's posts. To be honest, I don't feel like him. He still has this type of romantic notion of his ex and the relationship. It sounds like he still wants to be back with her. I no longer feel that way. I believe nothing is written in stone, and so would not discount the possibility of ever getting back with him, but I HAVE changed. I DONT WANT HIM BACK AS HE WAS AT THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Any changes he MIGHT make to himself, won't be coming at any prompting from me. I'm healed enough to see that he isn't the great catch I led myself to believe he was. If he has found someone else, yes, I will be sad about that, but I'm not desperate enough to want a person who doesn't want to be with me to be with me.

 

There are other men interested in me, and I will be seeing one of them later today. To be honest, I'm not interested in him either - just as a sort of friend/acquaintance - still getting to know him.

[Janeiac]

Silverbirch, it sounds like your head and heart are both in a good place. It also sounds as if you are still a bit emotionally tender regarding your ex. I understand not wanting to drag another person into this very private matter.

 

Do whatever is best for yourself. If you really feel ok about maybe seeing the ex to get your things, and maybe having him be cold, or tell you he is with someone else, then by all means go do it and keep moving on.

 

But if it's going to cause you pain and set back your healing, perhaps you can find a way to get your things without having to deal with him directly. Maybe have him put them in a taxi straight from his place to yours? Or a courier service? Can you wait until your closest friend feels better?

It's way too easy to conflate a practical thing like getting stuff back with the lingering attachment we all quite naturally feel with someone with whom we've shared our lives.

Whatever you decide is fine, so do what feel best to support your own inner peace.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Jane,

A taxi would just not be practical as I now live so far away. I admit that there would be some initial tenderness if and when the time comes that he says he is with somebody else, but heck, there is possibility a stronger possibility that I could be with somebody - even prior to him - there has been some interest from men in me I will admit, and I haven't even gone into the singles scene let alone internet dating sites.

 

If there is somebody else, I am determined, I will bite the bullet and get on with my life. It's not going to kill me. Besides, he behaved pretty much like a jerk at the end, not at all like the man I fell in love with. So if the man I fell in love with either never existed or is gone, that's life and time to move on.

 

I really am feeling changed - maybe at the beginning of it - but it is signficant change that other people are seeing in me who know me well. I'm doing some important things right now to become more self-reliant and caring for myself. Feel so dumb to say I let private health cover lapse for a long time - although I haven't had any illness requiring hospitalisation so I'm getting onto that today and also looking into increasing my superannuation. There are lots of things like that I need to be attending to.

 

This might seem like a silly thing to say, but I had to sleep over at work the other night. I'd worked a long day, my first day back at work after sustaining concussion from a work-related assault. When I was in bed that night, I realised that I was missing my dog. NOTE: I DID NOT SAY I WAS MISSING MY EX. My dog has been much nicer company and a nicer friend than he has for a signficant period of time.

 

Ah, it's a lovely day here. We are coming to the end of winter. A single daffodil has emerged amongst the grass in my backyard. For the first time in months, I am wearing a spring skirt and top and sandals. It's so nice here, I don't even want to go out. I feel happy in a contented way. I wasn't feeling like this at the end of the relationship. I'm not letting anyone rip my heart out and stomp on it ever again. That doesn't mean I will close myself off to love or never be with another person again. In the long-term, whatever happens, this breakup will have been a good thing for me - a turning point for a better life.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Thanks Jane,

I admit that there would be some initial tenderness if and when the time comes that he says he is with somebody else, but heck, there is possibility a stronger possibility that I could be with somebody - even prior to him - there has been some interest from men in me I will admit, and I haven't even gone into the singles scene let alone internet dating sites.

 

If there is somebody else, I am determined, I will bite the bullet and get on with my life. It's not going to kill me. Besides, he behaved pretty much like a jerk at the end, not at all like the man I fell in love with. So if the man I fell in love with either never existed or is gone, that's life and time to move on.

 

Okay. You sound like you know what you're doing.

Like Jane said, seeing your EX again can be painful and take a toll on your emotions. Been there, done that.

 

Not sure you saw the link I referenced with GreenPolicy's post on his bike, but here's what happened to me.

 

When I had to retrieve my 12-speed I left at my former NEAR-fiance's house -- we dated 6 mos. and she had brought up getting engaged but it soon unraveled. Methinks her turning 30 had something to do with it (I was 26).

There was nothing she couldn't find wrong with me.

If any woman I dated after her started running down all my faults, I would be outta there so quickly....

 

A friend drove me to her home on the other side of town and dropped me off so I could ride my bike back to my apt. and cry all the way back on the ride...

 

I remember how cold she looked and acted at that moment... looking at me from her porch getting the bike out of her garage...

I (wisely) didn't say anything or beg her to come back. Yes, I wanted her back, won't lie.

 

Oh, how I wanted her to say, "Fla. Man, it will be all right. We had some good times... I once loved you and I'm so sorry... You're a good guy who treated me well..."

 

 

Was blindsided and didn't recognize any of the conflicts that were developing and how she was withdrawing... That constant frown on our last dinner date should have told me something..

The bicycle .... still have it and rode the crummy thing the other day.

I bought it in '88 so she and I could ride bikes together.

Funny how I had never associated the bike with her before, when I remembered why I bought it. God, why can't I forget these things.

 

It all started to fall apart after we returned from a week's vacation where we visited my parents and family and did some camping. Big a mistake going on such a long trip at 6 mos. I guess she saw the real me.

 

 

She brought up getting engaged though I wanted it... It sill hurts and I regret getting so clingy, needy and the way I overreacted as it ended outside of my control...

Reading some of these boards, I see I behaved like many guys during such devastation-- with immature love...

 

Losing contact with her makes it feel like it was all a dream and didn't happen...

.... look at what I lost and how I could have married a 30 y.o. virgin...

 

 

I wasn't able to access all of the posts you linked to but did search through some of GP's posts.

 

To be honest, I don't feel like him. He still has this type of romantic notion of his ex and the relationship.

It sounds like he still wants to be back with her. I no longer feel that way.

Gotta agree that he's still hurt by that whole experience, though he's dating again.

 

He posts here on ENA. He posted a similar thread here but posted more on LoveShack.

My fiancee left me out of the blue

I believe nothing is written in stone, and so would not discount the possibility of ever getting back with him, but I HAVE changed. I DONT WANT HIM BACK AS HE WAS AT THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Any changes he MIGHT make to himself, won't be coming at any prompting from me. I'm healed enough to see that he isn't the great catch I led myself to believe he was. If he has found someone else, yes, I will be sad about that, but I'm not desperate enough to want a person who doesn't want to be with me to be with me.

That's the attitude.

 

4 years with your guy is a long time. Can't say I would be as strong as you if my future wife, who I dated 2-3 years before getting engaged, dumped me.

You'll do well.

Just be careful in meeting him, keep the visit short, don't talk about "us", etc.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Clarence and thank you,

It has now occurred to me that any deep down wish I might have to be with him is in fact a type of emotional response in trying to avoid the full pain of rejection. I have to face the fact fully, head-on - HE REJECTED AND ABANDONED ME. If he was to turn around and say it was all a mistake, then that enables me not to have to confront that reality.

 

The reality is that even if he doesn't me - which he doesn't, there are other men who do - one who I think might be nicer people. I am wiser now, and I believe I am becoming a better, stronger person through all of this. I can go on, even though it didn't feel that at the beginning. He really did break my heart.

 

This morning, I am off to a place in the country to meet up with a friend (male) who works in the horse industry (a passion we share although I don't work in it). I'm going to assist him with a little pony whose has had little handling and is still experiencing physical repercussions from that neglect. He is a friend. I do not wish to be in an involvement with any man until I am COMPLETELY healed. It's reassuring to know though that if I choose, there are men there who do value me and would like to be with me. I need to remind myself that his rejection of me does not mean that I am a less than person. I know that I was very good to him, and did so many things for him - many he pleaded with me to do saying he couldn't cope with things in his life such as bringing up his children. I let a lot of negative things wash over me because I'd taken the attitude of accepting the bad with the good. I suppose, I took a chance, and it didn't work out is really the bottom line.

 

Your ex sounds very weird, and I hope you don't have any thoughts of ever wanting to be with her. Sounds like not a nice person. Did you mention you are engaged now?

[Sim54]

Just a couple of things i've learnt along the way.

 

It's impossible for an adult to abandon another adult. Abandonment only happens between an adult and a child. We use the word abandon all the time, when all that has happened is someone left us. We are fully capable as adults of looking after ourselves and staying alive. We cannot be abandoned.

 

Another thing that I recently discovered. No-one can break our hearts. Only we can. No-one breaks your heart without your express permission to do so. We are responsible for the care of our heart, no-one else.

 

We break our own hearts by ignoring them, by ignoring the warning signs, by staying when we should leave, and giving access to our emotional selves to someone who doesn't deserve it. And if we didn't see the warning signs, it's because we didn't grow up enough to become aware of ourselves and others, and to be able to pick up those signs. Ignorance is no excuse.

[Silverbirch]

Okay Sim. I broke my own heart. He didn't abandon me. All of this must have been something I brought on myself if what you say is true. Whatever. Main thing is, I'm getting on with life

 

Anyway, life for me is continuing. I met up with my friend this morning to assist with the pony in question. The owners decided that they are unable to care for the pony any longer (they are not heartless people, just other very major things in their lives). Talk of pony being euthanised. Friend and I decided to bring pony back to live with me for 12 months and he and some other people are going to take care of the medical needs. It's adorable, jet black, was orphaned at a very young age in the bushfires and lived under a house with dogs for a while. It's very gentle and quite tame. I'm very excited. One of my other ponies was formerly a top broodmare, no longer wanted after her 7th foal was born deformed. All of her foals looked very much like this young pony I am taking on. Who knows, it may even have a forever home with me. Life is becoming good again. I am happy.

[Janeiac]

Silverbirch, I'm excited for you with the new pony. Maybe you could do carting or something like that with him. What a great way to move on and focus on something else!

So glad to hear you are having a positve focus. Keep it up! Whenever you feel ready, any guy would be happy to meet someone like you.

[bungalo]

While there is some truth in what you write, I also respectfully disagree with alot of this. It's not as black and white as you describe. You talk about minding our own hearts and picking up the signs, but some of us were involved with people who gave us mixed messages and made us confused. Hot and cold behavior. What do you believe, when someone says they love you and have never felt closer to anyone, and then abruptly (yes abandons) leaves? Philisophically, I see where what you say makes sense, but in actual practice, what? Are we not supposed to feel the pain of a broken heart when our loved one leaves uncerimoniously? Come on....

[Sim54]

I'm not suggesting that you don't feel the pain of a broken heart, only that talking about being abandoned and how someone broke your heart is victim talk, and keeps you in a hole. Accepting that in the end your feelings are YOUR feelings, and you are ultimately responsible for them will help empower you. No-one can MAKE you feel anything, but they can help you feel a certain way. Just as no-one can ultimately make you truly happy, so no-one can ultimately make you truly sad. And it isn't abandonment, it's just leaving. To abandon someone is to leave them unable to fend for themselves, and to risk them dying. As an adult you are capable of taking care of yourself alone, so you can't be abandoned. And if someone blows hot and cold and sends mixed messages, well, that's a red flag right there that you ignored.

 

I was left, almost over night once. She literally disappeared, and didn't speak to me for 14 months, ran off with another guy. I had a nervous breakdown, and lost my job, and had to move countries. It was totally devastating. I blamed her for months until I saw that she had 'warned' me this would happen in the first few weeks we knew each other, and I ignored those signs. In the end, I saw that she did what she needed to do and I stopped blaming her, and moved on. I had broken the cardinal rule of love, that when we love someone, we mustn't forget to love ourselves too. When we remember to love ourselves as well, then our heart is much safer, and much less broken when the relationship ends. Usually, the heartbreak is a sign that we gave too much of ourselves away, and it's the loss of THAT, not the other person, that hurts so much.

 

Perhaps i'm just talking semantics, but when I realised that I broke my own heart, I then saw the way out.

Ultimately, when we love, we take a risk, but it's US who are taking the risk with our hearts. You can't expect someone to never leave, and if someone leaves, and even does it coldly, then that's the way it goes. Most people don't deliberately try to hurt their partners, they hurt them accidentally whilst doing what they need to do.

 

Silverbirch, i'm not suggesting for ONE minute that you brought this on yourself! And i'm very happy you are moving on and feeling good.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Jane and Everyone,

Yes, I think this is a very good thing which has come along for me. I do not have photos as yet. My new little pony named Jet is still with present owners until we can get a float. He also needs to be seen by a vet to see that he is well enough. I think we need to also think out the kindest way to transport him. Probably putting either hay or some soft material for him to stand on during the drive which is only about half an hour, but still.

 

When I think about the trauma this lovely little has endured almost form birth, and yet it is a kind animal, affectionate in giving and receiving. It must still be in a lot of pain. My friend has been treating this little pony for a while, and I hate to think of the state it was in prior to any treatment. I've linked to a photo of a similar situation only the pony in the image had been neglected in the same way for a longer period of time. There is also a current photo so you can see how amazing it is when a horse is give care and love - a person cannot usually recognise it is the same animal. I'm going to love his little pony back to good health.

 

Hey, I seem to recall that Crap has had a lot of involvement in rescuing animals so hope he is here to have a look and comment soon too. I do recall him saying how he never rescues people anymore only animals.

 

I had been told before by health professionals that in thins particular community, people are still experiencing trauma from the fires. In the situation of this little pony, there was already a member of that family with very special needs. Then the situation was compounded by the trauma of the fires and consequent mential health issues and also other issues.

 

Check this story and photos out. My new pony has the same condition. You don't need to know anything about horses to see what is wrong.

 

link removed

[Cheetarah]

Sim...I appreciate this outlook, but I do think it's a bit black and white.

 

Some points I'd like to touch on:

 

And it isn't abandonment, it's just leaving. To abandon someone is to leave them unable to fend for themselves, and to risk them dying. As an adult you are capable of taking care of yourself alone, so you can't be abandoned

 

True. Absolutely! It isn't abandonment, it is leaving, but either which way you go about it, it stings hard and it stings deep(you know this). Because when someone makes a CHOICE to leave, it throws us backwards and we are left feeling helpless and unable to care for ourselves - Even if it's not so(and it isn't), this is a primal fear that gets aroused when someone leaves us. It FEELS like abandonment - Only natural for it to be described as such.

 

Another thing that I recently discovered. No-one can break our hearts. Only we can. No-one breaks your heart without your express permission to do so. We are responsible for the care of our heart, no-one else.

 

Ultimately, when we love, we take a risk, but it's US who are taking the risk with our hearts

 

I would think if you're in a long term relationship with someone, you ARE giving them expressed permission to touch you, in all ways. You allow yourself to be open and vulnerable - I see no point in a relationship if everyone's skimming the surface.

 

Yes, it's a risk. Yes, WE choose to take it. Yes, we are responsible for mending our pain.

 

We break our own hearts by ignoring them, by ignoring the warning signs, by staying when we should leave, and giving access to our emotional selves to someone who doesn't deserve it. And if we didn't see the warning signs, it's because we didn't grow up enough to become aware of ourselves and others, and to be able to pick up those signs. Ignorance is no excuse.

 

True, too, to an extent. But such is life. This is what happens. This is how we live and learn. Sometimes we ignore it. Sometimes we are blindsided. Sometimes, people are very tricky. Even if we know ourselves and become aware of others, things slip through the cracks. This is what being human is all about, on all sides.. There is empowerment and then there is this...And this runs on a fine line of taking a shot at our own egos for letting ourselves get hurt.

[Sim54]

Nicely put, and I agree with almost all of what you say. If I ever come accross as dogmatic, well, I apologise, and I'm always open to learning and changing and hearing others opinions and views.

 

The thing about being pulled back to a primal place that feels like abandonment, yes, of course that is what happens and while it is natural to call it such because it feels like that, it is really your emotions playing tricks on you, old wounds being uncovered. I've spent many months 'time travelling' like this in light of my recent breakup, but in the end, learning to name it as it truly is, as an old wound, rather than calling it abandonment is a step to healing, to keeping the past where it belongs, and not seeing the present through ancient filters.

 

Having said that, this is a journey, and we're each at our own point on it, no further down the line than we need to be right now.

 

Peace to all.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Hi Clarence and thank you,.....Your ex sounds very weird, and I hope you don't have any thoughts of ever wanting to be with her. Sounds like not a nice person. Did you mention you are engaged now?

She was a bit odd. This was my first relationship.& her's as well.Probably should just forget her. This was 1988.And yes, Ii'm married so shouldn't be harboring these feelings over all these years.Posted in this forum how I had this flush of feelings that all came back to me, all the pain heartache I experience came back for a week in January. Don’t know what's wrong with me.