Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CMS]

Hey Crap, I owe you my sincerest gratitude for pointing me in the right direction. I have observed significant positive changes in my life after subscribing to your philosophy. I have to say though, what you are saying here on this thread is very similar to the inner game that David DeAngelo is talking about, I mean the entire attitude of I know what my reality is and you are welcome to be a guest in it, I dont care and its your loss if you do not want to be part of it. David D also mentioned a lot about not buying into the drama and not affected by the drama, be calm and cocky and funny at all times which will boost your attractiveness which is really similar to the attitude that you have been preaching.

 

I am using a combination of both your and David D's teaching and noticed big changes in my life, I have become more confident and my friends gravitate towards me, tried casual dating and nothing serious came from it yet and I dont care, just enjoying life for all its worth.

 

Thanks again, crap, you sir deserve a giant ass award or a cuddle from somebody for this.

[Silverbirch]

Just an update on my situation, after being in LC with my ex via email and basically I would think we are in the friendzone, I emailed him back last Thursday, saying I hope he is well and I suppose I had better be organising to collect the rest of my things. I asked if next Wednesday night will be okay but clearly stated that I could be flexible with this. I haven't heard anything back yet. I'm a bit surprised by this because when the emails happened with him saying it was lovely to bei in contact with me and he had hped he could remain friends with me - well, that email came within a couple of hours. As far as I know, he always checked his emails a couple of times a day.

 

I can only assume that he has gone away/he is taking "control" of the situation by not mailing me back or it just isn't a matter of any importance to him. A few times, I'vecaught myself having a fleeting thought that maybe he is having a couple of regrets, but I know I would be deluding myself. He has done nothing to suggest any such thing to be the case. I'm drawing from all of my innter resources to stay mentally and emotionally on track - to accept the relationship is over, to respect his decision and to get on with my life.

 

I'm going to have to just leave things as they are and if I don't hear anything within the next couple of weeks, email again with the same request. If at that point, I don't hear anything then I suppose I will text or call him as I do have some things of value at his place which I will want back. Also, getting my things back is part of of the process I require in my healing and moving on process.

 

I'm asking myself whiy I'm posting on this board. I suppose I'm still open to reconciliation at some point, but only if I had healed and grown into the person I am meant to be, if there were changes from both sides and otherthings. It would have to happen slowly after a signficant amount of time has passed.

 

I do find myself saying to myself over and over "He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't love me. He likely wants to be with someobdy else."

 

Whilst I believe this to likely be the case now, I believe there is the possibility he could change his mind later although if that should happen, I would not want that to do with any type of manipulation from me or because I was "runner up or second/third choice" of who he wants to be with.

 

I'd greatly appreciate any feedback on this. Thanks.

[BONO]

Hey - i am in the exact situation. My ex drew out agreeing a time to return her stuff. I simply gave it to a mutual friend - her response was not at all positive sending me a text saying she I'd flogged her stuff off to her friend. My response ( keeping in line with the thread ) " You never came back to me hun - this was his suggestion, not mine. Im sorry you feel this way but Im moving on - I hope you can respect this. Again, I truly hope everything works out the very best for you, you've come a long way already - please take care "

[Silverbirch]

Hi Bono,

I'm certain my ex wouldn't do anything dishonest with money or property of mine. I'm just not sure what is going on. Guess I'll just ahve to wait. There doesn't appear to be any animosity between us - the communication has been very respectful since the breakup. In fact, as far as breakups go, most are worse with how people treat each other. Another thing at the back of my mind was that at this time last year, he was in hospital, but I suppose that's unlikely. When we were together, he was very reliable with regard to communication, etc. It just seems sort of out of character somehow. Guess he's just enjoying his new life and freedom, and it's none of my business.

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, Silverbirch, I think you're doing brilliantly! You're not emotional about the break-up, you're accepting your portion of blame, you're accepting the bad feelings but not acting on them, and you're moving n with your life and making the best of your new circumstances. I can tell you that absolutely you will come out of this far better than when you went in, and your way of handling yourself and the situation can only bring you happiness next time around, and there is every possibility that one of your future choices may be your ex. You'll just have to decide if you want to go back or move on. In the meantime, keep posting; I like your attitude.

 

 

 

Did you REALLY read it all the way through? There will be a test, you know, so you'd better not be exaggerating. ;-)

 

I'm so glad that your nonchalance is back. If you feel things are getting cold with your ex, then nonchalantly seek to heat it up; if you think you can handle it, be in her neighbourhood some time soon and suggest (not ask for) a meet-up, to catch up and say hi. You know how to behave; you know what to be prepared for; and you know you'll be absolutely fine no matter what.

 

By the way, regarding handling the pain of a break-up, I have some tips that really work, stolen from a great book called 59 Seconds: 1. Keep a diary where you just take a few minutes to write how you feel each day; 2. Write how you envision your perfect future, including details of where you are, what you do, how you feel, etc., and the kind of person you are with. Just doing these two things (1. each day, 2. just once) will really make you feel happier and more positive (and therefore more attractive). You could also do this if you have time: 3. Write about an incredible experience you once had, one that made you feel great, happy, successful, loved—anything. Just writing 1. and either 2. or 3. will really help you stay buoyant and less painful. Also, I really recommend taking fish oil and vitamin B supplements, which have been proven to help keep the blues at bay.

 

And if I'm awesome, it's only because of the most painful break-up I went through, for which I am now very grateful. ;-)

 

 

 

Can I get a pic before I choose the award or the cuddle?

 

Glad you're enjoying the benefits of nonchalance. And, yes, I borrow a lot of the attitude stuff from DeAngelo, who taught me that attraction really is not a choice, and that much of it is based on our behaviour and demeanour more than anything else. He knows his stuff.

 

 

 

Rule number 37: Don't bother trying to decode their behaviour, as it's not rooted in rules itself and is likely to be contradicted in a matter of days anyway. Focus on what you do know and what you do have influence over: yourself (which I think you do beautifully).

 

 

 

Nice response. I prefer not to say what I don't mean, so I may have left out the 'truly hope everything works out for you' bit, or at least worded it in a way that implies 'you'll be fine' more than 'I'm happy for you and your new love'. But, yeah, I think you're showing that this is a consequence she brought about.

 

I'm in another little break-up right now, with someone I really like (so much so that we've been dating for about six months and only recently became physical—she's much younger than me and not the party-girl type). She's been a bit flaky at times and then called things off this weekend, both I know because she is wary about getting involved with someone after her last, very nasty break-up. I'm sad, confused, missing her, etc., but following my own advice to a tee and handling it all as honestly and nonchalantly as possible.

 

I accepted her decision to not see me any more and told her that I'm not angry or anything like that but will be blocking her on all forms of communication other than the phone. She didn't like that, but I reiterated I like her and feel that this is best. I got a text message this morning—a first from her—talking about a dog she's fostering for me, and that she can't keep her. So I replied (many hours later) that I'll take care of it and get someone to come pick the dog up. No anger. No guilt trip. But clearly not as 'close' as we have been—starkly so. I made arrangements for the dog and just texted to ask if she can hold on until next week. Again, not rude, or angry, or anything really—just straightforward and 'fine'. Her response? 'OK. I miss chatting with you.' I KNEW 100 percent I would get that exact text from her, even though she doesn't speak so openly usually. I just knew, as hard as it was for me, and as certain as I may have felt that she was doing better than I was because it was her who decided to end things, that behaving nonchalantly would be my best course of action, to either bring her back or help me move on faster and to someone better.

 

I'm trying to decide my next response. It'll probably be something along the lines of 'I know. I don't like it either, but we have to accept your decision.' It's honest ('we have to' not 'I want to), unemotional, to the point, and shows that I will be just fine regardless. It also—importantly—shows that I don't want this, that I might like to get things going with her again, and that the ball is only in her court.

 

I really will be fine. She is gorgeous, cute, kind, and enjoys exactly the same kind of things that I do (very rare!). But I'm grateful I had what I did with her, accept that I may have to move on, and will do so nonchalantly. Let's see how it turns out. ;-)

[Silverbirch]

Thanks so much for your support Crap. I wish I'd read it this morning. Yeah, I did get an email from him, very contradictory, and been really down about his latest contact. I really get a lot from your postings. Whichever way things go, you've inspired me to want to develop this nonchalance thingy. I hope all is going well for you.

[CrapAtNC]

You can be confused, sad, hurt, etc. by his emails, but it ends there; you really can choose whether to let it affect your greater demeanour, so don't. ;-)

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I think I get what you are saying Crap, and I'm going to do my best not to let it affect me in that way. Thanks for making me realise that I can be sad, hurt and confused, but that I needn't let it affect who I am.

[Maverick1984]

Having read through this thread over the months of being on here and posting a few responses of my own.

I have to say however, that being nonchalant isn't enough. The idea of not caring is not really healthy and can say this with complete certainty having employed this mentality in the past year. And it was all because of me being bitter about my ex breaking up with me and thinking i made progress by 'not caring'.

 

All that was happening was i blocking myself from ever being loved or cared by anyone.

 

When you're nonchalant, it's all well and good; however what's really happening is that you're blocking off your feelings completely from someone and not fully allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Something that can't ever be avoided when it comes to love. In order to love anyone, you have to be willing to open your heart completely and allow yourself to get hurt if it ever happens.

Otherwise, you'll simply be robbing yourself from meeting someone really great by refusing to open yourself up to them.

 

That's why completely committing yourself to someone is so difficult and why game playing exists in dating - People simply do not want to get hurt.

 

The best way to experience love whilst reducing painful heartbreaks is to simply know what you want in a relationship and to not get into one purely because it's what's expected.

Most people rush into a relationship without really ever knowing much about each other.

 

Get to know someone first by screening them during the date and really be aware of their behavior so that you get to find out what their true intentions are.

 

Only after you've really gotten to know them personally and seen how they're like will it make sense to enter a fully loving and committed relationship, assuming that's what you want.

 

There are other variables that have to be employed on a personal level. But in the interest of keeping this reply short, i'll save it for a more relevant thread. But to summarize -

 

If you're genuinely happy and independent to a point where you don't need the love and care of another, then when you do eventually get into one you'll know it's because you chose to and not because you needed to in order to be happy. And your behavior towards them and your relationship will naturally be attractive.

 

Don't try and be nonchalant because as humans, it's only natural for us to be emotional. It's far better to allow and invite yourself to feel however you want to feel in the moment and to not be ashamed of it. Because blocking it will only hurt you in the long term - We are humans after all

[CrapAtNC]

If you're genuinely happy and independent to a point where you don't need the love and care of another, when you do eventually get into one, you'll know it's because you chose to and not because you needed to in order to be happy. And your behavior towards them and your relationship will naturally be attractive.

 

Brilliantly put.

 

(Just to add: nonchalance isn't not caring; it's not caring too much. ;-) )

[Maverick1984]

Thanks CrapAtNC

 

Basically what i mean is, instead of 'trying' to be nonchalant, work backwards...

 

Focus on making yourself happy and your nonchalance will come naturally and not something you'll be consciously aware of. Otherwise, it will be a tactic and like putting band aid over a wound.

 

I believe someone mentioned David Deangelo in a previous reply; even he said the same thing -

 

If you focus on getting the inner part of yourself sorted (Inner game), everything on the outside will fix all by itself.

[NCforME]

How do you keep yourself this way? I find I'll feel completely better then she'll cross my mind and I'll think maybe i should reach out nonchalantly, but then I start to over think it and put myself in a bad frame of mind. I guess maybe I'm just not there yet? But it is annoying to feel like your there and then all of a sudden not there because you let yourself dwell on it too long. I don't know if that made sense or not.

 

But do you have general suggestions of how to reopen a nonchalant communication? And how long should you give it till they might actually believe you? In other words how long NC until they'll believe you are actually over it and not pretending?

[Maverick1984]

How do you keep yourself this way? I find I'll feel completely better then she'll cross my mind and I'll think maybe i should reach out nonchalantly, but then I start to over think it and put myself in a bad frame of mind. I guess maybe I'm just not there yet? But it is annoying to feel like your there and then all of a sudden not there because you let yourself dwell on it too long. I don't know if that made sense or not.

 

But do you have general suggestions of how to reopen a nonchalant communication? And how long should you give it till they might actually believe you? In other words how long NC until they'll believe you are actually over it and not pretending?

 

The funny thing about being genuinely happy and independent is that once you switch focus from getting your ex back/attracting people to focusing on yourself, all of the questions you asked naturally gets answered.

 

Once you're at that place, everything you say and do with your communication will naturally show your exes and everyone else that you genuinely do not need them in order to be happy because you're already getting it from yourself in abundance.

 

The best part of all is, due to the very act of focusing on yourself, whenever someone does see you after a period of time, they'll consistently be seeing a more improved version of you because you're focusing on enriching yourself with things that make you happy and more secure by doing the things you genuinely love doing and challenging yourself. So in terms of your ex, it will simply be a matter of time before she takes notice of this and starts showing you interest.

 

However, don't anticipate or think about when this will happen because by thinking about it and expecting it simply means you're not ready to completely let go of her and move on.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Hey, I think I get what you are saying Crap, and I'm going to do my best not to let it affect me in that way. Thanks for making me realise that I can be sad, hurt and confused, but that I needn't let it affect who I am.

You're doing well.

 

Nice pic.

You look happy and are smiling. Hope it is a recent pic.

 

 

Know from personal experience it's tough to smile after the ending of a relationship...

[NCforME]

It's true... I guess I'm close because I'll go a week with out really thinking about her but when I start, I go down the rabbit whole so to speak. Then it'll take 2-3 days to get myself back. I hate those days! It's usually the weekend when it happens because I have less to focus on and I guess the hard part for me is I don't really want to be in a relationship right now. I honestly didn't want to be in one when we started dating but I couldn't help it we had been friends for a long time and I fell in love. So right now I'm focusing on my career right now.

[CMS]

Thanks CrapAtNC

 

Basically what i mean is, instead of 'trying' to be nonchalant, work backwards...

 

Focus on making yourself happy and your nonchalance will come naturally and not something you'll be consciously aware of. Otherwise, it will be a tactic and like putting band aid over a wound.

 

I believe someone mentioned David Deangelo in a previous reply; even he said the same thing -

 

If you focus on getting the inner part of yourself sorted (Inner game), everything on the outside will fix all by itself.

 

That makes perfect sense, I believe Crap's non-chalance is two folded, it involved inner part of being happy and content by yourself and not affected by the outcome or drama. The outer game would include being upbeat, flirty and funny, which is more technique based approach. Take care of the inner game, attain that happiness, develop the attitude that you are selective in who you choose to date, that attitude will ultimately and automatically manifest into your outer game.

[Maverick1984]

That makes perfect sense, I believe Crap's non-chalance is two folded, it involved inner part of being happy and content by yourself and not affected by the outcome or drama. The outer game would include being upbeat, flirty and funny, which is more technique based approach. Take care of the inner game, attain that happiness, develop the attitude that you are selective in who you choose to date, that attitude will ultimately and automatically manifest into your outer game.

 

Bingo

That's basically part and parcel of it.

[CMS]

Bingo

That's basically part and parcel of it.

 

I am with you, brother, but a lot of people on this thread are looking for techniques (outer game) like what to say to an ex, how to respond while sounding funny and nonchalant, I think its hard to keep that up because what quick answer you get from this thread is not really yours and your actual behavior will not be aligned with your scripted response. I think people really need to take care of the inner game first before trying the outer game techniques, its much more original and personalized that way.

[Maverick1984]

I am with you, brother, but a lot of people on this thread are looking for techniques (outer game) like what to say to an ex, how to respond while sounding funny and nonchalant, I think its hard to keep that up because what quick answer you get from this thread is not really yours and your actual behavior will not be aligned with your scripted response. I think people really need to take care of the inner game first before trying the outer game techniques, its much more original and personalized that way.

 

While outer techniques are good, it really does do you harm in the long term, especially when later down the line when your girlfriend/boyfriend finds out about the 'real' you. You really can't fake who you are, which is easy to do in the initial meeting stages.

 

What's more, it does harm to your overall self-esteem because you're telling yourself that who you are isn't enough to attract the person you're with - You can only keep up appearances for so long and you have to be genuine and honest with yourself. You can't fake being happy, secure or nonchalant. And if you can, you're essentially learning to be a good actor.

 

Its far better to accept who you are by focusing and discovering what makes you happy rather than using tricks and tactics in order to get a person to respond to you.

[CMS]

While outer techniques are good, it really does do you harm in the long term, especially when later down the line when your girlfriend/boyfriend finds out about the 'real' you. You really can't fake who you are, which is easy to do in the initial meeting stages.

 

What's more, it does harm to your overall self-esteem because you're telling yourself that who you are isn't enough to attract the person you're with - You can only keep up appearances for so long and you have to be genuine and honest with yourself. You can't fake being happy, secure or nonchalant. And if you can, you're essentially learning to be a good actor.

 

Its far better to accept who you are by focusing and discovering what makes you happy rather than using tricks and tactics in order to get a person to respond to you.

 

Ahhh, another excellent post bro even when you are preaching to the choir here.

[CrapAtNC]

Studies show that forcing yourself to smile makes you happier, faking a frown makes you grumpier, and adopting a more upright posture makes you more confident. I totally agree that the goal is to change the way you are rather than the way you act, but a great way to do that is indeed to adopt the practices of the kind of person you want to be.

[TomboyMS]

Studies show that forcing yourself to smile makes you happier, faking a frown makes you grumpier, and adopting a more upright posture makes you more confident. I totally agree that the goal is to change the way you are rather than the way you act, but a great way to do that is indeed to adopt the practices of the kind of person you want to be.

 

In other words, "Fake it 'til you make it".

[CrapAtNC]

Or "If you're faking it, you're making it!" ;-)

[Silverbirch]

I love this thread!

[CrapAtNC]

So, taking Maverick's comments to heart, I texted that I missed looking forward to seeing her at the weekend, and she replied, totally out of character, that it's stupid we're not seeing each other (remember, she told me a few days ago we can't see each other any more) and asking why we can't be friends. Wanting to avoid the friendzone at all costs, I replied (several hours later) that it wouldn't work, as you can't just switch off attraction, and that I had a better idea if she's interested (enticing her to ask what the idea is, thereby sparking interest from her). She asked about it this morning, and I replied that we should go back to how we were before, as intimate friends, with kissing and massages but nothing else, and with no more talk about the relationship, where it's going, sex, stuff like that. She asked if she could then see me this weekend, and I replied that I can't wait.

 

So, I think I've salvaged the relationship, which is really a lovely, drama-free, almost old-fashioned kind of courtship, and I have no expectations, but it does seem we just needed to take a step back to take the pressure off her, which I'm more than happy to do. If we end up as just friends, that's fine, but I'm not going to let that happen if I can help it. ;-)

 

In the past, I would have created more drama, tried to make her feel guilty, played the victim, etc. I'm so glad that part of me is now long gone. Nonchalance, baby! Care, but not too much.