Nonchalance is Your Friend

[vel2011]

Hi Crap and all the other guys on this post. Appreciate it's a bit long (!) but would really appreciate any advice, having read this thread, on whether I'm doing the right thing re my recent breakup:

 

 

My girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me a month ago. She is 24 and I am 26 and we have had the most amazing fun throughout our relationship... we never had any serious arguments and had talked of living together, marriage etc in the future. A month or so ago, she went on holiday with some friends, had loads of fun and came back and said 'we need to talk...' She basically said that it didn't feel right anymore and she wants to break up. This was pretty out of the blue – before she went away we had spent an amazing weekend together and she had told me how much she loves me and wished I was going on the trip with her.

 

We met and talked all day a month ago and she said she wants to be fully honest and leave nothing unsaid. When I asked her for her reasons, she said that she loves me, that it is the hardest decision she has ever had to make and I couldn’t have been a better boyfriend but that she thinks we are too similar. She said she feels that we had become more boring together recently, that we have taught each other everything we can and that we both too easily have started not doing as much together or talking as much, and that she feels the relationship had become almost too easy for her - that I was at times not being myself and agreeing with her on everything, pandering to her and being too soft – that I had become too cautious around her. She said she could easily go on as we are, having fun and loving me, but she has to do what feels right and not what’s easiest, and wants to end it on a high.

 

I explained to her that I had thought the same while she was away, that my fear of losing her had made me too soft at times (basically that I had put her on a pedestal and become too needy – almost too nice and too easy), relying on her to fill all my spare time rather than being the fun guy with lots of friends who did other things that she was attracted to at the start (she is almost 25 and when we started going out she was just 22 and said she didn’t want a serious relationship but fell in love with me). I said I think long term relationships need working on, that I know I need to be myself a bit more and do some things I stopped doing. She said however she thinks it shouldn’t take work to make her truly happy, that it should just happen and that she loves me like mad but ultimately she doesn’t think I am the right person for her and can’t say for sure I am the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

 

After a day of hearing everything each other had to say, she kissed me goodbye on the lips, told me she loved me and left in tears. I guess as break ups go this is about as nice as they get – she thanked me for being so wonderful to her. I told her to be herself, have fun, do what feels right and told her she had made me realise what it feels like to be the luckiest guy in the world! From reading various threads on sites like these and speaking to mates, I then decided to implement strict no contact straight away and haven’t initiated any contact at all.

 

The last month I have been out a lot partying with friends, joined a gym and generally tried to stay busy and active, but I think about her every day and honestly have never seen a girl anywhere that I am more sexually attracted to, nor have I ever met such a caring, honest, fun and loving person.

I guess part of my reason for going NC was to try and make her realise what she has lost, as well as moving on for myself – trying to reverse the realisation that I lost her because I stopped being as much of a challenge and became less attractive as I was too available and easy all the time. She broke NC after 2 weeks, texting to see how I was. I texted back the next day just saying that I was good and had been out a lot having fun with friends.

 

Then a few days ago she called me and said that she was finding the lack of contact really difficult and really hoped one day we could be close friends. We talked for a while about what we'd been up to, I tried to stay quite cool and confident and not sound completely heart broken. She was asking my opinion on various issues about people close to her and recent stuff that’s happened – just as if we were still together. Then I brought up the whole contact thing and said that I think it's best we don't meet / have these chats because for me there are too many emotions involved to just be friends right now.

 

And then she basically broke down crying and said that she has thought about me every day, that she loves me and that she misses me loads. She said that she will also need time before she can face me as a friend because there would be too much love and attraction there right now. But she said after 2 1/2 years of having fun with me and knowing at one point she was truly in love with me, she just knew that for certain reasons I'm not the guy that she sees herself marrying (I just don't tick all of her 'marriage' boxes) so it was only fair that she ends it there. She told me to have no regrets because I couldn't have done anymore or been any better to her and that she hopes one day we can be really close friends. But I’m pretty sure she lost attraction because I became too ‘nice’ and too ‘easy’. I wasn’t nonchalant enough!

 

I guess the question is… do I give up? Or do I let a bit more time pass then get in touch, try to meet up (there is stuff to swap and give back which provides a good reason for this) and fight one more time? It’s hard knowing that she thinks this is the right decision, but she isn’t with anyone else and says she misses me and is finding it really hard??

[TomboyMS]

vel2011, I don't think you are ready for nonchalance just yet.

[vel2011]

vel2011, I don't think you are ready for nonchalance just yet.

 

What makes you say that TomboyMS? If after analysing the relationship I think that the reason she ended it is because I was too available and it became too easy for her, and I havenlt initiated contact in a month and she has called me to say she misses me but thinks it's the right decision, isn't the best thing for me to do to carry on with NC and if / when we have to talk / meet, I develop a nonchalant attitude to her?

[Silverbirch]

Hi Vel,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm wondering if because this happened just after she had been away that the holiday just made her realise that at this point in time she isn't ready to be tied down to anybody. I think you are doing all the right things, but unfortunately, as you would know, NC is no guarantee she will come back. It is however, most likely the best thing for you to stay NC.

[TomboyMS]

What makes you say that TomboyMS? If after analysing the relationship I think that the reason she ended it is because I was too available and it became too easy for her, and I havenlt initiated contact in a month and she has called me to say she misses me but thinks it's the right decision, isn't the best thing for me to do to carry on with NC and if / when we have to talk / meet, I develop a nonchalant attitude to her?

 

Nonchalance will be difficult even if you have somewhat of a grip on your emotions. I think you need to give yourself (and her) more time.

[DerekJason]

I have no choice but NC, as shes not contacting me at all, and i refuse to contact, there were 4 interactions post BU, all initiated by me, but it made me feel cheap, and i refuse to feel that way.

[Syphilis]

Hey there,

 

The overall thread is great! I've been praticing that nonchalance road for a few days now (with colleagues at work, friends and random encounters with strangers) and it's marvelous!

 

I used to tend to over analyze stuff, so I thought I could control more my environment and my GF, but it actually made me insecure and passive-aggressive in my relationships. This nonchalance / upbeat way of letting things go is a marvel : more cheerful, I actually got better come backs when discussing and am much more attractive to people. A nice woman just let me her mail and Facebook, a thing that would never have occurred before.

 

Just let it go, breath and smile! You'll love it and others too!

 

Have a nice day all!

[Janeiac]

vel2011, I respectfully disagree with TomboyMS. I think any time is a fine time to try to take a step back and recognize that no matter what happens, it will all be ok in the end.

We all know this type of relationship experience can be excruciatingly painful, and we are here to help. The key is not to allow the painful feelings to define your identity, and to focus on other things while time works to heal the sense of loss. I don't believe in fate, or that something is "meant to be" or not, but I do know it's true that sometimes a particular perso isn't a match for some other individual, and that's ok. Either the relationship can be healed (and you allow this to happen by focusing on yourself, not the other person) or you move on to find someone better for you.

 

For right now, assume it's over, be as cheerful as you can, and go about the business of returning things after your emotions have calmed down a bit. It sounds as if this woman truly does love you. If you can pull off confidence and good cheer, she may also rediscover her attraction to you.

 

Above all, be kind to yourself, and have some fun on your own.

[Sim54]

Some people just know how to say things succinctly.

Janiac, you basically said it all in a nutshell there.

 

By the way, what happened with your reconciliation? Did it pan out or not?

 

Hope you're well.

 

Sim

[Janeiac]

Sim, what a lovely compliment, thank you!

 

As for Guy, he pulled more of the same nonsense so it's over. It wasn't at all a resolution or definitive end, but I'm treating it as such for the sake of my own sanity. I'm not interested in getting stuck in his BS nonsense, and I don't see him coming to any sort of epiphany so I'm moving on.

 

He lied to me. I don't see how I can get past that.

 

How are you doing, Sim? Everybody else? So many here were tremendously helpful to me. I'd love to hear updates from you all.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Jane and All,

Too bad that things didn't go as hoped with Guy. Still, it's great that you are able to move on and do what's best for you.

 

Things are quite well with me. Time has definitely helped me move on. I no longer want to be with my ex, and don't even want to have a "friendship" with him - too much work. There has been somebody else on the scene - a man who I have known for around 2 years. That's going VERY slowly,but we do like each other, and whatever happens, I think we are going to have a great friendship.

 

There is a lot of sickness going around here at the moment - one of those viruses, made worse by spring allergies so quite a lot of people are knocked about. I was off work for a week, but back there now. The pony rehab as been one of the best things for me. Little Black Pony is doing wonderfully. I'm going to a farriers workshop on Sunday which I'm looking forward to. As well as gaining more knowledge, I'll have the opportunity to meet some like-minded people so I'm a little excited about that.

 

Hope everyone else is well.

[TomboyMS]

Lol. I meant that he probably can't pull off nonchalance around his ex right now. I agree with everything you said in this post.

[CMS]

Lol. I meant that he probably can't pull off nonchalance around his ex right now. I agree with everything you said in this post.

 

I agree with all of Janeiac has said, its never too late to adopt the non-chalant way of life, but I also think Vel is not ready to use it around his ex yet, the emotion is still raw, chances are high he might revert back to his old self if he tried to fake nonchalance around her right now.

[Nick Lansing]

The key is not to allow the painful feelings to define your identity, and to focus on other things while time works to heal the sense of loss. Above all, be kind to yourself, and have some fun on your own.

 

Great post, especially the above lines.

 

I've learned that when I've been dumped, I can't help but project feelings of worthlessness and pain. I try to hide it, but somehow I give off that vibe. (Obviously I have psychological issues I need to work on)... But anyway, that's one reason why NC works well for me. As one friend told me, "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" I have to get over that feeling of abandonment and low self-esteem before I can really do anything as far as a relationship... so I just work on myself until I'm well(ish) again...

 

So for me, I use nonchalance when I've been contacted, but I don't initiate contact because I know I won't be able to pull off appearing cool, calm and collected.

 

It's been 3 months since I was dumped this last time, and I do feel better. Traditionally it does take me about that long... I'm still not gonna contact her though.

[Silverbirch]

Hi All, Hope you are all well. I would greatly appreciate some advice and support right now. I'm pretty much over my ex now and no desire whatsoever to ever get back with him. I've gotten together with somebody who I have known for quite a while. We have a lot in common and a strong physical attraction has developed. Things seem to go a bit hot and cold though. He reminds me that he hasn't been in a relationship for a number of years and had adjusted to thinking he was going to spend the rest of his life giving all of his love to his animals - he hasn't even more than I have! When we are together, things go really well. He is hoping we will get a place together some time after June next year where we can raise our horses and animals together. Incidentally, we had talked about the possibility of doing this long before we were together - as we were friends for quite some time. The way I see it, he is an amazingly handsome man who just looks better and better every time I see him. Other ENA women have seen his photos and agree that he is gorgeous. I don't think he knew it, but he has become a lot more confident since we got together. He gets to work with a lot of women and I know that quite a lot of them ask him for coffee. Having been in relationships before where there were other women involved, I'm petrified since yesterday. I haven't told him this and don't plan to. He is a guy who needs a lot of space and would only be interested in a woman who he finds very independent with her own interests and friends, and I do have this. I'm very uncomfortable with my insecurities right now. I feel certain that he is NOT a rebound.

 

I guess I'm looking for some inspiration to practice some nonchalance here. I feel I'm getting way too attached her and so scared of getting my heart broken again. I'm getting way too old for that.

[Sim54]

Heartbreak is a part of love. You CANNOT avoid it. No point trying to. Better to learn to survive it.

You do need a way to deal with your insecurities, but NOT telling him about it won't work/help. Surely, in a relationship, we are there for each other, to help with each others problems where we can. You could try to find a way to share your issues in a way that is collaborative, rather than accusative. In other words, tell him how you feel with words, rather than show him how you feel (with insecure actions like jealousy and controlling behaviour).

 

Re assure him that you trust him and that this is about YOU, and your issues, not him and his co-workers. If he is a good guy, he will want to help you with it. Just make sure you are clear that this isn't about him at all.

 

Well, that's my advice.

 

Incidentally, how old is too old to get your heart broken?

[Silverbirch]

Your right Sim. This is all about me and I need to learnn how to deal with it. Even though I haven't said or done anything to him to show my insecurities, he has told me he knows I am insecure, that he knows why that is and understands it, and has told me not to worry, that he has no intention of breakig my heart. Up until this point in time at least, he hasn't realised how attractive he I'm sure. He is, by far, the most good-looking man I have ever been with (cant remember if I have told him). He does tell me practically every time he sees me that I am the best looking woman he has ever been with, but that the relationship is about much more than that. When I'm with him, everything is so good - we are so compatible, that I have to pinch myself this is real - especially after having been so sad about my previous break-up. Gosh, I wonder why I was ever sad, and it amazes me that when I was with my ex, even though I liked the guy I am now with as a friend, apart from noticing at times what a nice ass he has - and I suppose the rest of him as well, I never dwellt on that. Apart from Viggo Mortensen, the actor, I only had eyes for my ex who is actually not attractive at all. I never thought my ex was attractive in the physical sense - just thought he was a great person and the sort of guy I wanted to be with - well he was at the beginning of the relationship - in some ways. This new guy is just something else though - another league as far as compatibility and attraction goes.

 

Since I last posted, he texted me saying he had a very big day at work with long hours and physical outdoor work, is exhausted, and is going to have big days over the next 2 days too. He did actually warn me this was going to happen when the weather cleared which it has, and he did express concern at how I or any woman for that matter would cope once work became busy for him.

 

I just cana't bring myself to speak to him about it, not yet anyway, and I feel I'd need to carefully think it out as I'm scared to death of driving him away.

 

Oh my age, don't worry about it. All I need say is that I'm old enough that I should be able to deal with this crap in a mature way.

 

I have begun to immerse myself in something I've been talking about for a while and I have heaps I need to be doing. I need to put my head down and get busy. Thanks again.

[Sim54]

I was teasing about the age thing a bit.

I'm 39, and well, there is no age when you 'should' be able to deal with something, or your emotions.

It is a sliding scale, and a process. You don't magically wake up one day an adult!

Your guy sounds lovely. He worries how any woman will handle when their man is busy. He cares, he's empathic. I was far less sensitive to my ex when my work would shut me off for weeks at a time, and I kind of just said 'this is my life, deal with it' and left her to her loneliness.

 

You do seem to be hung up on the looks thing. Sure he's hot, and I guess you are too, but well, it's not a skill. Neither of you earn't your looks, you were just born lucky, and you will BOTH wind up ugly when you're old and frail, like us all. It doesn't mean he's a great catch. You fear that his looks mean other women will prey on him, and you will lose him.

Really, you'll lose him if he is weak and stupid and wants to run off. Doesn't matter if he's hot or not.

 

He doesn't seem to care about it, and he wants you to not worry.

 

Just remember, you will either stay with this guy for the rest of your life, until one of you leaves the other in a coffin, or you will separate one day, and be with other people. These are the only 2 possible outcomes. Something my therapist said to me was that the more we hold on to someone, or some outcome and try to prevent losing them, the greater the possibility that we WILL in fact drive them away. Love has a feather lite touch, it's need and insecurity that grabs hold too tight and strangles the life out of something.

 

I understand that you don't want to tell him too much, be he seems to know already anyway. Sooner or later the truth will come out, and it's better that it comes voluntarily by you opening up to him, and sharing who you are, warts and all, than in some awful display of needy jealousy. He will be attracted to the strong women who is capable of being vulnerable, but not the needy, clingy, angry one, who whines and complains and plays power games to keep him close.

 

Ah, you KNOW all this. There is no rush, but if you feel yourself losing your firm footing, then you must share that with him. If he cares, then that sharing will bring you CLOSER, not push him away.

[Janeiac]

Silverbirch, you don't have to jump ahead and decide about a future with this man right now. You and he are attracted to one another and you enjoy each other's company. That's all you need at the moment, isn't it? It's wonderful he is aware that his work demands are perhaps not so great for the woman in his life, and it's it's awesome that he is giving you a clue about himself. That give you power, because you know how to deal with him. Accept that he must have his attention on work at some points, and take it the space and freedom for yourself to grow secure in your own life, so that whatever happenns with him won't turn your world upside down.

Really, it's all good news.

And don't forget to enjoy yourself and him!

[vickyylove]

Just read the first post and you know what? I would totally find that attractive in a guy. You men need to spread the word!! Nonchalance is hot.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Jane and thanks. Yes, heard from him this evening and he has been very busy and exhausted from work. I'm taking myself off to the beach tomorrow and plan on having a great day. I suppose that because I've had some major disappointments in the past, I'm quite scared at the moment of getting hurt again in a very big way. From what he said to me tonight, he feels pretty much the same way.

 

Hey Sim, as for BOTH of us growing old and ugly - speak fer yerself. He will NEVER be ugly, especially in my eyes. There are people who stay beautiful and part of the reason is to do with what is on the inside. My Mum is 75 and still a pretty lady who takes care of herself and her looks despite having had major health problems for the past 35 years. She's BEAUTIFUL on the inside. One of my grandfathers looked a lot like John Forsythe the actor, only more handsome, and he was handsome right up until he was a corpse in his mid seventies. In fact, he was probably a lovely corpse too. He too was an amazing and beautiful person. You might think looks and attraction aren't important. I used to as well. As I mentioned previousely, my ex had NOTHING in the looks department. I was attracted to the wonderful person who I THOUGHT he was. There are those of us who remain interested very much in a physical relationship despite age - ask anyone who works in an old folks home. Yes, we aren't our looks, but more often than not the outside does in some way reflect what is on the inside. And of course that isn't too say that looks are all that count.

 

I don't see nonchalance as a power game - that is what this thread is about. My understanding is that Crap, who started this thread was discussing the need to develop nonchalance which I think is about working to maintain ones sense of self and not becoming lost in a relationship, not responding to others in ways which are all about OUR emotions. Sometimes that does entail not letting it all hang out so to speak.

[Sim54]

I was only being light. I totally agree with everything you say. Some people really do remain beautiful till old age.

I guess I was just responding to how much you mentioned his looks, that's all.

Have a great weekend!

 

[Silverbirch]

LOL Sim, you have a great weekend too!

[rainingonme]

New here, gotta say, nonchalance works magic. I´ve been doing it with all my female friends without really knowing it. Naturally, I messed up everything when my GF of 4 years ended the relationship out of the blue. I initially begged, pleaded, etc and she said that she is confused and doesnt know what the future will bring. Well, after 3 months of very LC I just had enough of waiting and brought the issue of getting back together up again. She told me she has no feelings towards me anymore and that the door is closed for good.

 

Told her that we can be friends afterall and that there is no need for any kind of hostility on either part. The little communication we had during the 3 months was heavy and often ended in relationship talk. She just had enough of the pressure and told me to move on for good. Havent heard from her in some time and even during the 3 months I was the one initiating contact. After she told me she has no feelings decided to go NIC.

 

Bumped into the nonchalance thread earlier and this is what happened today. Her mail still came to my address and well... I had to break NIC so she would get it. Decided to email her about it, so we exchanged a few emails:

 

ME: Hi, got mail for you again, propably invoice. Wanna pick it up this week or do I drop it off to the secretary? Laters. (Last time I dropped mail of I made a joke about the secretary being interested in me)

 

HER: Hi, put it to secretary! Thanks!

ME: Lol, I´m sure she will be happy to see me again (wink)

HER: I will get her a chocolate, but no hurries, im in Liverpool until 21st. Happy fathers day. (The new guy she is dating lives in Liverpool)

ME: Great, get her the chocolate and I´ll bring her the flowers Happy Liverpooling, I pooled my liver seriously this weekend.

HER: Haha, this sometimes happens to you (smile) Its normal!!?

ME: Do crazies consider themselves normal (smile) ? ...50 more meters XXX (Inside joke about her being drunk)

HER: haha )))

 

This is the most lighthearted conversation since the breakup. We´ll never be back together again as she said and I accept that, but regardless her attitude has changed totally. Dont know if its about my messages or about the "deciding to stay friends", regardless it seems her defences are down. Now back to NIC to finish up my healing process.

[rainingonme]

Double post