Nonchalance is Your Friend

[ClarenceRutherford]

File under "keeping it back together

What do I do? Guy blew me off again. I told him I didn't care if he wanted to go out with friends or do whatever, but that he mustn't tell

me he is coming over then not show up.

 

Then he did it again.

 

I lost my temper and texted him we are done, don't show up, get his computer and stuff some other time He'll be back for the laptop and his

motorcycle if nothing else.

 

I don't know what will happen now.

 

Not to rub this in your nose or say "I told you so..." but I did say this way back in the threads when you announced you two were gonna try

again after his behavior had you calling it off.

 

06-04-2011 04:20 PM

 

 

IMHO, I don't think this is gonna last.

Hope it does, Jane, and hope you do find happiness, but from what you've written about him, I don't see how he's gonna change.

He appears to be a rover....

 

One partner shouldn't have to FORCE or pressure the other to give up another love, if the two truly are in love with each other...

 

His being involved with a married woman, either separated or just out of a marriage, didn't look well for him as well, as I posted.

 

This wasn't a post I wanted to make. And I'm not gleefull over your loss and heartbreak.

 

If I were a betting man, I would have guessed the odds didn't favor a return to normal when you posted how you two came back togeher.

[dabbledave]

Hi Crap et al,

 

An update: Since this post I have not been in contact with X nor has she tried to contact me.

 

However, today I did something silly and snooped her FB profile. I noticed that she had defriended all my family members (I had defriended her after the BU, but not her family or friends).

 

I panicked and sent her a private FB message thus:

 

Hi XXX, Just want to reach out to you and say I'm ready to be friends again. I don't want to throw that away. DD

 

Of course I immediately regretted doing that, but I can't take it back. I feel that she's employing her own version of NC and I almost expect her to not respond.

 

Thoughts? What now? Back on the NC wagon? If she agrees to reconnect as casual friends should I employ some of the lessons learned here?

 

I thought I was in a much better place emotionally, but seeing that she defriended my family felt like a kick in the solar plexus.

 

Recommencing positive affirmations "I am happy; I am happy; I am cool; I am cool; I am confident; I am confident" ...

 

DD

[CrapAtNC]

If she doesn't reply in a couple of days, send her another message addressed to 'Dear friends' and explaining that your account got hacked and whoever took it over seems to have sent out some very uncool messages that they should all ignore. Add a at the end. Then expect nothing and go back into NC. You're still not ready to communicate, mate.

 

We're here for you. You can do this. Accept the situation and make doing nothing your new course of action. Really. ;-)

[dabbledave]

Thanks Crap,

 

She replied saying "that's great" and asked me where I am now and hoped I was enjoying my trip. I very briefly filled her in on where I am and where I'm going tomorrow; asked what's new with her and her (our?) cat. That was ten minutes ago. No reply (yet).

 

I have followed up on my ready-to-be-friends claim (after she replied to it) and submitted a friend request. If I hadn't done that, then my readiness claim would have looked silly maybe (?).

 

Anyway if she replies back won't respond immediately.

 

DD

 

PS feels like my first cigarette after a long quit period -- shaking.

[CMS]

Thanks Crap,

 

She replied saying "that's great" and asked me where I am now and hoped I was enjoying my trip. I very briefly filled her in on where I am and where I'm going tomorrow; asked what's new with her and her (our?) cat. That was ten minutes ago. No reply (yet).

 

I have followed up on my ready-to-be-friends claim (after she replied to it) and submitted a friend request. If I hadn't done that, then my readiness claim would have looked silly maybe (?).

 

Anyway if she replies back won't respond immediately.

 

DD

 

PS feels like my first cigarette after a long quit period -- shaking.

 

Haha, remember just take things easy, be upbeat and positive, a little bit aloof, expects nothing and always, always end conversation on a high note, meaning dont draw out conversation.

 

You will be alright man.

[dabbledave]

Cheers mate!

[Janeiac]

dabbledave, you are doing fine. It's normal to magnify little things out of proportion becuase you are feeling so sensitive right now. Recognize this, and you'll see the Facebook stuff is insignifigant. You are imbuing it with symbolic meaning. Don't put yourself in the postion of hungering for crumbs. You are too busy exploring the world and having fun to worry about Facebook stuff, right?

[Janeiac]

ClarenceRutherfor, I think you misconstued my situation somewhat. Yes, the siutian with Guy looked pretty dire and definietly appeared sleazy, which is what freaked me out. But Guy wasn't actively involved with anyone else. He was pursuing an inappropriate crush, and he knows this, and he knows it was wrong, and he isn't doing it anymore. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I don't want to contantly beat him up over it either. That would only poison the relationship.

This issue has nothing to do with anyone else. Part of the problem is if I react with so much bitterness it only makes him want to stay away. The following day he showed up and told me all this. I have to respect that he admitted he mishandled things by blowing me off. It wan't about anyone else.

I want to break this patern. He's a deent guy who is not immune to making mistakes or excercising poor jusdement. I want to keep this relationship, and I have to do my part and recognize my own mistakes and misjudgements.

[Benville]

Stumbled over this thread just today, didn't realise how old it was when I started reading.

 

I too am reading Codependency No More at the moment, about 1/3 to 1/2 the way through, although that half has been read slowly over a few months.

 

I'm on the verge of a breakup with my girlfriend after things came to a head recently, mostly to do with Caretaking as explained in the book. I do anything and everything she ever needs, lifts, cooking, buying, supporting, all of it, then once every few months I blow up with resentment towards her for my decision to do this.

 

She told me outright last week that all my actions make her feel pressured and puts weight on her to reply in kind, which she often can't do, and I'm only just starting to understand this now. Unfortunately it's come after a huge fight on Saturday that may lead to us separating. I'm seeing her tomorrow night, and I need to deploy the relaxed approach to the max, having finally realised what I was doing wrong.

 

We've separated once before, and last time I was clingy, desperate, needy, yet somehow we ended up back together (she is a textbook codependent herself mind, makes it interesting).

 

Well, we shall see tomorrow. She's moving away in a month for a year (not too far, just a hundred miles), so it presents opportunities to get the time and space we both need, as we keep falling into each others pockets 7 days a week and finding us wearing one another out.

[Benville]

Just thought I'd add.

 

I know a few folks on this forum have been following my threads over the last month or two to do with this relationship, but the above post is more about me in general than specifically me and her. This is behaviour I want to beat in myself, for myself, not because of or specifically for her.

 

I am a typical oversensitive caretaking codependent, and I'm ready to try and beat it.

[CrapAtNC]

Welcome, Benville—not only to this thread, but to a far more fulfilling, relaxing, happier, more attractive way of being.

 

You don't need any advice, I can tell; you know exactly what to do and how. The only snippet I might offer is to find some other, more healthy subject for your caring nature. For me, that's rescuing animals; for you, whatever makes you feel good.

 

Looking forward to reading about your progress.

[Benville]

Well I'm about to join an Aikido club, but not sure that counts

 

I'll take the suggestion and see what I can come up with.

[dabbledave]

Couple of suggestions for those seeking to take control of their emotions (and therefore project confidence/nonchalance):

 

The Secret, &

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

 

I have the audio books on my ipod and have been listening to them over the past few days. Very helpful.

 

Stay cool people!

 

DD

[reader07]

Please help, CRAP! I am falling for my friend. We were getting close until he tells me that we are just that -- just friends. I told him that yes, we are friends. It feels that I get dumped! What to do? I am a girl, by the way

 

By the way, if someone is being nonchalant to you, how to respond/counter? Thanks a lot. I think this guy is being nonchalant with me.

[CMS]

Please help, CRAP! I am falling for my friend. We were getting close until he tells me that we are just that -- just friends. I told him that yes, we are friends. It feels that I get dumped! What to do? I am a girl, by the way

 

By the way, if someone is being nonchalant to you, how to respond/counter? Thanks a lot. I think this guy is being nonchalant with me.

 

I know when I tell a girl "lets just be friends", 75% of the time I meant it and the rest 25% I was playing a little hard to get to create attraction, but that only works in mixed messages, like one moment you guys were flirting and getting it on and the next moment you playfully say "lets be friends" then go back to flirting.

 

 

 

You can test out if he really meant about just want to be friends, that means 1) give him some space and see how he reacts or 2) show him a little competition, show him that other dudes want you too.

[reader07]

Thanks cmswifty.. I guess he means it - we are just friends we used to text each other often. So, I'll just give him space? I don't know how to show a little competition, though.. as there is no other guy at the moment. Sigh.

[CMS]

Thanks cmswifty.. I guess he means it - we are just friends we used to text each other often. So, I'll just give him space? I don't know how to show a little competition, though.. as there is no other guy at the moment. Sigh.

 

Easy, flirt with other guys at his presence and see his reaction. Be playful with the bartender or waiter while out with him, the situation are everywhere.

 

If he wants to be just friends, then you need to be that, be too available will only turn you into a booty call and ego boost which does not sound like what you really wanted. So give him space, disappear and keep interaction friendly, upbeat and funny

[Silverbirch]

Hey Crap and OP,

I think I'm getting the hang of this Nonchalance. Have decided I don't want the ex back anymore and I've gone no contact. Do seem to be getting opportunities to practice Nonchalance with some other men who have appeared on the scene though.

 

Interesting comment about the "I just want friendship." That's what my ex said to me when I first knew him. I just took it at face value and was meeting lots of other interested men, and by his own admission, it shook him up, and he went in pursuit despite putting in a lot of effort to make it appear that he wasn't pursuing. Well, I suppose that's a lot like putting somebody in the friendzone. Thing is, I did that with my ex and after a while realised he hadn't been much of a friend at all, so I couldn't be bothered anymore.

[Sim54]

I saw my ex walking down the street yesteday with a friend (she didn't see me.) I haven't seen her since nearly 3 months, when we bumped into each other and had a lovely chat. I came away from that meeting certain that the bad blood was behind us and she seemed open to contact in the future.

 

Yesterday, i decided to send her a short friendly text after seeing her but she never replied, and i've fallen into a funk over it.

I don't why she has to make this so difficult. i sent a friendly text, nothing more, and i don't want anything from her except that we are on friendly terms. So why blank me?

 

Sure, we can no doubt run through a long list of why she didn't reply, and in most cases, it probably doesn't have anything to do with me, and is more about where she is at right now. The adult in me knows that this doesn't mean anything more than she doesn't want contact with me right now, but the child in me wants to ring her and scream at her down the phone.

 

She did say when we spoke 3 months ago that she had wanted to call me but her boyfriend wasn't comfortable with her staying in contact with her ex's and she had to respect that. Well, i didn't think that applied to me not contacting her, but perhaps i've just put her on the spot so to speak.

 

Thoughts?

[Silverbirch]

Well, it was only yesterday that you wrote.

[Sim54]

Well, it was only yesterday that you wrote.

 

Ha, well yeah, but in my world, you reply to a text pretty promptly. I mean, 'Hi, how are you?' isn't something that can be spread out over a few days, it's just silly. It's not like I want a deep and meaningful, i'm just being friendly. I guess also, we both always replied to texts/calls really quickly even during the 4 months after we broke up but were still in contact. She once shouted at me because I didin't respond to her within 30 mins because she was feeling vulnerable.

 

I"m probably being childish here. In fact, I'm in a rage at her right now for ignoring me. That says a lot about where i'm at.

I know from experience with others that this doesn't mean anything in the long run, but right now i'm furious about it and kind of need a place to vent it.

[CrapAtNC]

Let it go, Sim. You have to. For your own sake and progress. I used to feel the same, but now when my current date takes time to respond, I just ignore it. I find when I do the same thing to her, it stops it happening. ;-)

[MissMazzi]

Hello I love this thread. I've been following at about 30 pages in ^^

 

Before I go into my problem, I just wanted to make it clear that I have zero intention to make him consider giving me another chance or anything like that.

 

Here's my problem:

 

I broke up last week and am on the road to recovery but one thing keeps playing on my mind, and that was how the relationship ended. The guilt of my behaviour is eating me up inside and is stopping me from doing anything productive..

 

I basically overreacted at an innocent comment my ex made whilst drunk and got all aggressive, nasty and that made him end it (here's my story: ). I would feel better had we ended it in a better way...ie me not drunk, immature and throwing insults all over the place >_

 

I know that even a few years down the line when I have lost all my feelings for him completely, that I will still feel rotten about the way the breakup happened. I know this because I don't forgive myself easily xD

 

I just wanted to make it clear that I do NOT expect him to respond or even give me another chance, but I want to send this letter just so that I can erase the guilt from the way things ended basically. I have no problems with not talking to him again and I seriously respect his space and accept his desicion on this. But if I were to write a letter, how would I write it in a way as to not make him feel I have some ulterior motive or manipulative intent? I genuinely just want to say sorry and wish him well. You see, I like ending things on good terms...The way I drove him to actually break up was so messy and childish, I think sending a letter with a genuine apology would make me feel less guilt about the way it happened, REGUARDLESS if he responds to it or not What do you think?

[CrapAtNC]

MissMazzi, welcome to the thread.

 

To answer your question, in my opinion you should wait before sending him a letter, simply because he has blocked you on everything and your finding a way to bypass that will only freak him out more at this sensitive time. Wait until you either see he is unblocking you or feel enough time has passed to make an honest apology about the way you acted. You could also let people know that you're sorry and would tell him yourself but you can't because he's blocked you and you know you must respect that; it'll get back to him.

 

I recently found via Facebook an ex from fifteen years ago, which gave me the opportunity finally get off my chest how bad I felt at my behaviour back then. It felt good to be able to say it, albeit through a FB message. I understand where you're coming from, so believe me when I say you should wait until the dust has settled or until you find yourself in a situation where the opportunity arises.

 

And when you do make that apology, attach nothing else to it—no excuses, no blaming, no attempts to get anything from him—just say it earnestly and walk away.

 

You'll be fine. We always are. ;-)

[Sim54]

Hi Crap. I'm feeling a bit better today. I kind of knew that she wouldn't reply, but I was surprised at how much I reacted to that. It's gonna be fine though. The worst has passed I think. In a way, perhaps it's better this way, another nail in the coffin so to speak. I had something similar with my ex ex, messaging her and getting no reply, but months later, she was contacting me. I know what happened this week means nothing in the long run, it's just indicative of where ever she is at.

 

I'm finding letting go still hard, although I have long periods when I have let go, I seem to slip back. I'm sure you can relate.