Nonchalance is Your Friend

[sfindependent]

HA.

 

Bumpity bump bump.

 

it's hard to live a non chalant life, but getting there.

 

For now it's all about me; then people whom i care about next. not the other way around.

[Tybalt]

I just had a magical weekend with someone I could see myself marrying. Talk about strong feelings! However, he is bound (by reasons I greatly respect) to remain living 3000 miles away. I am unable to relocate either, which he understands. He knows how I feel. For my own well being, I will not continue to contact him while my feelings run so high. Nonchalance is a godsend, regardless of the circumstance. To become strong in oneself, and to refuse to torture oneself over the things we can't control... That is why being nonchalant is a liberation, and a gift.

[CrapAtNC]

Tybalt, it's great that nonchalance is helping you. But I can see a little room for even greater nonchalance here: you could enjoy what you've got without getting too concerned about what may or may not happen. Know the possible pitfalls, prepare for them, but envision a fun and potentially fulfilling relationship, and see what happens. If it doesn't work, then just nonchalantly (and therefore in a friendly manner) agree to let each other go.

[mhowe]

Crap@NC --- your "philosophy" works well for those of us in reconcilation as well!!

[Nirvana1986]

Greetings all!

 

I have been reading this forum for the past few months as a way to cope with my break up, but never really thought of posting until now.

 

My ex and I have been broken up for about 3.5 months. We were together for about 8 months and it was sort of a long distance relationship, but we still managed to see each other every weekend. I fell for her… hard, and I think she did, too. I am 25 and she is 22, not the first relationship for either of us, but I got to say I have never really felt this strong for anyone before nor have I ever put this much effort on anyone before.

 

To keep the story short, the break up was caused by a fight, our first real fight, may I add. We got into an argument and, out of anger, I told her that maybe we should just break up. I quickly regretted it, and a couple of days later I was basically apologizing and trying to get her back. She took it hard, and she did not speak to me for about a week. After I finally got her to talk to me, she told me that although she loved me she couldn’t deal with me breaking up with her every time we had a fight. I agreed with her and I asked her if there was anything I could do to make things better, and she said to just give her some time and to show her that I cared for her. Anyway, things didn’t really work out, and she met this other person (B) while she was thinking if she wanted to give me another chance, a person whom her best friend set her up with. I found out about it through a mutual friend, and she denied it at first, but then she sent me a text saying that she still loved me but we should just be friends for the time being because she was still hurt about the break up. I decided to back off a little bit and to not interfere with her new guy. 2 weeks later, they were fb officially in a relationship, and that was it for me. I just went NC on her. I did not send her any text or anything to let her know about my intentions. I just blocked her from my phone, told my friends to not talk about her, and deactivated my facebook. That was back in April. I am not sure if the new partner could be considered a rebound since our relationship wasn't a long term one.

 

Anyway, 2 months later, I decided that I was in a better place and I unblocked her from my phone. I got a text from her about 3 weeks ago asking if we could give the friendship another try. I did not know how to respond to that since we were never really friends to begin with… plus we live 3 hours apart, so having a friendship it’s not really necessary in this case. I remembered about this particular thread about being nonchalant and decided to put it in practice since I am in a far better and more reasonable place now even if I still love her in some way. I replied to her text basically saying “I guess. I don’t see why not” It obviously bothered her because she replied “Jeez, try not to explode with excitement” and we proceeded to catch up for a little bit. She never mentioned her current partner even though she could have, and I never asked for it either. She did ask me if I was dating a particular girl I had always been good friends with. I ended the convo with a “it was good to hear from you, talk to you some other time” and she told me to text her sometime. I did not text her, in fact, I waited for her to text me again… which she did this past week to just share a game link with me cause she wanted to see if I could figure it out.

 

Since we broke up, I tried to deal with it by picking up hobbies, traveling, new knowledge, meeting new people, reconnecting with family and friends, and learning how to be content by myself. I wanted to get to a place in my life where even if I still love her, I don’t necessarily need her to be happy, if that makes sense. I feel like I am okay now, I am content with my life and I have used these past 3.5 months to enjoy myself in a healthy way. But I still love her and miss her (She doesnt know about this. In her head, I have completely moved on). As far as I know she is still with her partner and I don’t plan to keep in touch with her, unless she initiates it. I guess that’s NIC?

 

Any thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated and how I can be nonchalant on this situation.

 

PS. CrapAtNC, I personally find your opinions and philosophy very inspiring and helpful.

[Tybalt]

Yes, thank you Crap, that makes a lot of sense as I think about what you said.

 

This man and I actually met over 4 months ago, but decided at that point to talk and 'commiserate' over our dating stories as friends because of the distance. However, we've had attraction from the beginning, and when he decided to come to visit I wasn't sure how it would be. The intensity level really ratcheted up when we spent the whole of last weekend together. There was a lot of heavy talk at the end (the first couple of days were great and pretty light; he is the funniest man I've ever been around). Me saying, 'if we could overcome the geography issue I'd be your girlfriend,' and him responding 'if we lived in the same place you'd be a hell of a lot more than my girlfriend.' He is older, well established and states he is looking for marriage and to have another child - we each have a child and an ex that bind us to our locations. Our desired life paths, and respective commitments to the well being of our children is one of the common values we share.

 

My feelings have been getting the better of me since we parted because I've sensed him pulling back a bit. He isn't saying he misses me, he is saying he feels really bad that I am sad and asking if I am ok... So more of a guilt thing on his end, or so it seems. I have been having a tough time deciding how to respond, so I haven't yet.

 

I am thinking that joking and lightening things up again might be in order. I certainly don't want to leave him with the association of me with guilt and feeling bad, nor do I want to be anxious or unhappy. He didn't 'break up' with me - technically we aren't together anyway because of circumstance, but strangely I feel similar emotions. I suppose this doesn't seem quite as clear cut a situation to me as others have been for me. We did not plan another meeting, though he said that he would come back to visit if I would like. I suppose that will depend on how light and nonchalant I can be about it.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Please tell me you weren't sexual.

Rushing into sexual intimacy too early in the relationship can often be disastrous....

Been there, done that....

 

Have gotten PMs from women here who flew out of town to meet a guy she was close to online.... things went too far. Now he won't call/ IM her.... She has all these regrets...

[Janeiac]

Things are great with Guy and me. He's being the awesome dude I fell in love with. He made himself available to me all day for a tedious support role, chauffeuring me, parking my car and being dogsitter/dog. My case was dismissed (it was nonsense but I was still worried) and I have no record against me and I didn't get any fines.

 

Small things like this mean a lot to me and speak volumes about where he stands. Giving one's own time is the greatest gift of all.

 

I still can be a pain in the neck, I know, but he gets things calmed down in that way he has I love so much.

 

As hard as it was, staying away from him for a few months was the best thing I could have done. He's back, we're back, and now I'm consididering ways to evoke even more loving passion. I want to create a relationship that inspires hopefulness and excitement.

 

And yes, I gave him a reward

[ClarenceRutherford]

As hard as it was, staying away from him for a few months was the best thing I could have done. He's back, we're back, and now I'm consididering ways to evoke even more loving passion. I want to create a relationship that inspires hopefulness and excitement.

 

Good to hear. Hope things go well.

And yes, I gave him a reward

Also capital idea. We men like that kind of thing.

Never good to ration or withhold affection...

[Tybalt]

Well, we've been talking quite a bit more over the past two days. He told me he has been rather sad and depressed since he went home on Monday, but the reason that he was focused on how I was doing is that he was genuinely worried and really does care. He got hit with a deluge of issues to deal with when he got home, so he wasn't as communicative right at first. It feels nice to know that he truly cares, though I don't like the thought of him struggling.

 

Though it seems this is a bit different than the typical break up/reconciliation scenario since we are both interested in a relationship with each other, I think nonchalance applies, just as I discover it applies to all sorts of life situations. I'm definitely feeling that, as usual, Crap has it right. We can enjoy what we do have, continue to communicate, and not struggle or push to control it if it doesn't work. We are both mature, we know what we want, and he is a good man I respect. I told my father about him tonight, and my father, who is hardly a romantic, said, "If it is strong enough, you will find a way." I was surprised to hear him say this. He also said he thought we should remain friends regardless, and not push too hard to be "all or nothing." When I related this to my long-distance guy, he responded that he thought my dad sounded like a smart man.

 

Everything will be ok. It always is.

 

By the way, I'm really happy for you Janeiac. You've been through a lot and it is nice to see a "success story."

[Sim54]

Tybalt. I can't see how this can ever turn into a relationship. You both have child commitments that keep you from ever (or at least until the children are fully grown up) from being able to be physically close to each other. Perhaps I'm wrong there.

 

It is often easy to 'feel' strong emotions for someone when there is the safety net of distance that prevents real intimacy from developing. A bit like finding the love of your life just before you move far away. It often happens. If you weren't so far away, things might be much cooler.

 

Just a thought.

 

Either way, nonchalance forever!

[CrapAtNC]

Tybalt, if you think about it, many relationships start off easy only to be tested later, at which time cracks can appear. If, however, you start off in less than ideal circumstances, should things eventually work out, you know you're onto a winner. Indeed, your dad's words are worth taking on board.

 

All the best!

 

mhowe, I'm very happy to hear that. But care to share more?

[Tybalt]

That is great to read your posts right next to each other, Sim and Crap. They are two markedly different perspectives, like two sides of a coin. My long distance friend and I have talked about what Sim suggests, and we both acknowledge that this set up can lead to that kind of heightened fantasy scenario. That cannot be discounted out of hand.

 

Realism balanced with optimism. I like it. Seems to me that in some situations, there is no substitute for time and accompanying perspective.

[Jeasy]

I was hoping you could help my situation?

 

My ex and I live together and she broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We lived together for 2 years happily, until her feelings changed and she wanted to make sure that I was the "one" by creating space, and deciding to date other people for a while. Which 2 weeks later lead to an official breakup. This was 6 weeks ago, and things have not gotten better. I made all of the classic mistakes, pleading, being needy, etc...

 

I just stumbled accross this nonchalance post the other day. Just an update, she currently hangs out on the town almost every night with different guys she has met over the last six weeks. She is a beautiful girl and gets approached everywhere she goes. So it makes it even tougher knowing she is out without me, and sometimes out until 2am or later throughout the week with these guys/people. I have tried using LC but didn't work that great, there hasn't been any bounce back to me. Recently I'm pretty sure she has her eyes on a certain guy that she hooks up with, all of the signs point towards this, and i'm sure it has been sexual. They are not boyfriend/girlfriend. She still goes on dates through an online dating service to play the field as well. She is a wild party girl type.

 

Please give me some tips on how I can use Nonchalance to help win her back to me?? Remember we still live together, and she is rarely home with work and then after work heads out to hang with friends or other guys after work pretty much every day. Thoughts?? (Crap any thoughts???)

[ClarenceRutherford]

I was hoping you could help my situation?

 

My ex and I live together and she broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We lived together for 2 years happily, until her feelings changed and she wanted to make sure that I was the "one" by creating space, and deciding to date other people for a while. Which 2 weeks later lead to an official breakup. This was 6 weeks ago, and things have not gotten better. I made all of the classic mistakes, pleading, being needy, etc...

 

.....

 

Please give me some tips on how I can use Nonchalance to help win her back to me?? Remember we still live together, and she is rarely home with work and then after work heads out to hang with friends or other guys after work pretty much every day. Thoughts?? (Crap any thoughts???)

Jeasy,

I'd seriously suggest you move out.

Being near her is only gonna hurt and bring back feelings. Plus, you can't really be in NC or LC if you're always there.

Seeing her bring guys home to bang (or hearing about her experiences through her phone calls, etc) isn't gonna do wonders for you either.

 

A woman I nearly got engaged to at 26 - we met through a singles group.

After she dumped me after 6 mos., I like an idiot continued going to that group where I saw her face and noticed her eyes seeing mine then quickly looking away so I wouldn't notice her looking at me.

It killed me to see her again, and brought all the feelings back. I hadn't healed yet

 

So like another guy there who got dumped by the group's leader, we decided it would be best to drop out of that group.

[Jeasy]

We own a house together, and we cannot sell it for a little less than a year, due to certain laws......We are both on the deed to the house. And we both refuse to leave.

[NCforME]

Why not try to work on your relationship? It doesn't happen overnight and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. If its worth saving then its worth sucking up your pride and learn how to be in good relationship. Somebody has to put their guns down first.

[Jeasy]

How do you suggest I do that, and be nonchalant? I want to make things work over time, but I know it will be tough?

[NCforME]

How do you suggest I do that, and be nonchalant? I want to make things work over time, but I know it will be tough?

 

I don't think being nonchalant itself will do it. It's great to give without expectations and not get to emotional. But int he end you also have to work on the relationship. You don't want to be nonchalant to the point of being aloof. You have to know whats going on in her and get her to talk to you. Its the only way for someone to feel close to you. Here is great website that helps you stay nonchalant and work on the connection: link removed

 

Also, there is a forum run by the same guy over at the Marriage Advocates website (Turtles whiteboard). He'll answer questions of yours if you want. I think the MA site could be better for you, even though your not married there are a lot of people who are dealing with the same problem of living together still. Plus it can be great to get different perspectives.

[Janeiac]

Jeasy, you aren't going to hear any different in the nonchalance thread than what people told you in your other thread.

The way back to her is to stand up for yourself. Stop allowing this situation to continue.

 

Find a tenant to be your replacement roommate and move out. You aren't giving up the house, your name is still on the deed.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Jane's right, Jeasy.

She's moving on and doesn't seem to value your place in her life.

The only way to deal with someone like that is to go NC and regain your own strength.

 

You didn't promise marriage vows, so she doesn't feel bound to you (hence her behavior). You don't owe her anything.

 

Maybe she does need space. Dunno. The best way to deal with this is to move on yourself.

[Silverbirch]

Bump. I just wanted to bring this thread back. Hope nonchalance is helping a lot of people.

[CrapAtNC]

Jeasy, it's going to be really hard for you, but it's not impossible. You just need to prepare yourself for the worst that can happen and envision responding in a way that says "I'm fine. I'm always fine." And create a whole new life for yourself that is for you and not to try and prove anything to your ex. Simply put, accept the break-up and move on. But be prepared to reconcile later, should you really want that (not sure I would, but hey!). All the best to you, whatever you do. (There are so many better ones out there—why do you think I've been too busy to post here? ;-).)

[Silverbirch]

I haven't contributed to this thread yet, but have read it many times. I hope I can get a handle on this nonchalance thing. My ex and I were together 4 years. He ended it 2 months ago. He had been depressed and said everything in his life is grey and there is no joy. Of course, this is just a simplistic view of what happened, but I take responsibility for some of the reasons behind the breakup - I had started a new job in management and didn't put enough time and effort into the relationship which I should have. We recently went into the friend zone and are in LC. I've been heartbroken, but trying my best to respect his decision, get on with my life but remain open to the possibility of reconciling further down the track. I just love him to bits, and always felt he was the one for me. I haven't had contact from him for about a week, and not planning on contacting him, but truly, I am so hoping he will contacct me. Some of the things he said at and during the breakup have led me and others to believe that it is very likely his decision was also motivated by depression (about other issues) and a sort of midlife crisis - it happened in the week he turned 50. The recent contact we had was respectful and kind.

 

I've taken up new and old interests. In this last week, the organisation I work for began restructuring, and so I will be moving out of that job which I'm happy about, but still working for them in a more handson position earning more money and another 3 days a fortnight off. Although the status is decreased, I'm actually gettting happier and happier about that and so looking forward to being able to have a life again.

 

Anyway, thank you to the people who have initiated and contributed to this thread. It's been very inspiring.

[9thAtPine]

Hey everyone!

 

Thought I'd bump this thread with my first post...

 

I have been lurking on these boards for around 6 months now. I used to spend alot of time in the GBT and healing parts of the forum until I stumbled upon this amazing thread.

 

I have been reading it all the way from start to finish for the last few weeks now and it is simply the most inspiring and motivating thread going. So much in fact I can't bring myself to go back to the GBT and healing sections. Don't get me wrong I sympathise with every single person there as I have been there myself and it's the worst feeling ever. But I just find it a bit of a downer reading all the stories that mirror my own (this is why I never posted as I could seek advice through other peoples experiences).

 

This seems to be the only thread that actively promotes self help and moving on to try and be a better person. Before my relationship I was happy single and I suppose was naturally nonchalant without really knowing about the concept but the subsequent 5 year relationship had made me too comfortable, lazy and needy (the latter especially when I was dumped for someone else). This thread had helped me realise this and it really is quite simple, stay positive, upbeat and happy and good things will come to you, 'fake it till you make it' if you will but I suppose it's a natural progression.

 

I was like many others on here who felt like the pain would never ever go away but it does. Don't get me wrong it still hurts if I choose to dwell on it but I no longer do that. As the mighty Crap says 'accept but don't act', this is what I have been saying to myself in my head whenever I've felt down about the breakup. Even an image of a little whistling Mr. Man accompanies the thought!

 

I have received the odd text from her asking how I am and other small talk. I just keep it brief, upbeat and I poke a bit of fun, this seems to have positive results but the thing is it all just seems a bit cold now after 3 months of solid NC and although part of me still loves her I know I can do better and I now feel more excited about the future than depressed about the past.

 

So yeah, bring it on world!! but yeah whatever you know?

 

p.s. Crap you are awesome.