Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Silverbirch]

Sorry to hear. Hope she is out of your headspace soon.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Sorry to hear. Hope she is out of your headspace soon.

I let it all get to me for about a week or so in Jan.

Could think of nothing but her, how the ending killed me (it was like I could feel the pain all over again). Got all emotional and cried often. Was a big distraction.

Suspect this all came about bec. of the sorry state of my marriage (then).

 

Detailed all of this on this board (for anyone interested).

link removed

 

 

 

Sorry for the typos in the earlier post. Posted from my smartphone. ENA doesn't have an app. for smartphones, so difficult to type cut and paste.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Posted that situation here as well (in response to someone else's similar situation).

Even after 20 yrs I can't forget old girlfriend

 

Janeiac and aBitBroken were also of help to me in that thread.

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

Just popped in to say that I went to collect my things tonight and think I went okay. As soon as I arrived, he tried to hug and kiss me which was a little awkward for me, but I just turned me head so he kissed me on the cheek. He said several times how glad he was to see me. I managed to stay composed and I think dignified, but I wouldn't say I was sparkley or bubbly. When I was with him, despite him not being perfect, I was REALLY happy, so I guess I was often sparkley and bubbly then - except for when I was really tired or stressed with work or sick, and in the last few months, I was tired, stressed and sick. I was shocked at his appearance. His hair has gone silver (otherwise he is dyeing it) and he has lost quite a lot of hair. He has also put on weight, says his health has been very poor, and frankly, he didn't look well.

 

A couple of things happened, and I'm not a hundred per cent certain of what to think.

 

Silly as it might sound to a lot of people, the one time I REALLY thought I was going to cry was when the dog got very excited to see me and was very affectionate towards me during the visit. I used to take her for a lot of drives in my car and bring her back to my place, sometimes staying with me for a couple of days. The ex suggested I could take her home, and bring her back tomorrow, but I told him that I couldn't do that tomorrow because of my work. I so miss the dog and she is 14 years old now,and old age is really setting in. Despite whatever happens with the ex, the dog and I love each other to bits, and I want to bring her home with me again.

 

I couldn't fit some of my stuff in the car. Told ex that as I had the valuable stuff, if he wouldn't mind leaving the rest of the stuff on the porch, I would collect it on my way to work. He said that wouldn't be necessary, that if I just gave him some notice, I could come while he is at home.

 

I'm not feeling like he wants to be back together with me, but that he does want to see me. There were a couple of other things which happened too which I'm not sure what to make of.

 

When I left, he hugged me again saying how good it was to see me. Came out to the car and waved me off till I was out of sight. I had a little cry in my car on the way home. I feel a bit sad and numb - not devastated, but sad - and I think a bit more accepting about the breakup. Then again,not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. I told him I will email me in a couple of weeks and get the rest of my stuff. He said I can get it in dribs and drabs - and I'm getting the impression that's what he wants me to do.

 

It wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been. I do want to get better at nonchalance. I won't make any contact with him for a while, at least 6 weeks is what I'm planning and hoping I can stick to, and then collect my stuff. Yes, I realised when I saw him that I do still have feelings for him.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Hi,

Just popped in to say that I went to collect my things tonight and think I went okay.

Good to hear it went well. You sounded composed *(you told us you thought you could handle it, and you were right) and handled yourself well.

 

As soon as I arrived, he tried to hug and kiss me which was a little awkward for me, but I just turned me head so he kissed me on the cheek.

That was the right thing to do.

He said several times how glad he was to see me. I managed to stay composed and I think dignified, but I wouldn't say I was sparkley or bubbly. When I was with him, despite him not being perfect, I was REALLY happy, so I guess I was often sparkley and bubbly then - except for when I was really tired or stressed with work or sick, and in the last few months, I was tired, stressed and sick. I was shocked at his appearance. His hair has gone silver (otherwise he is dyeing it) and he has lost quite a lot of hair. He has also put on weight, says his health has been very poor, and frankly, he didn't look well.

 

Not to give false hope, and you shouldn't think he's in love with you, but it seems he has some kind of feelings for you.

You were together 4 yrs. after all, so he likely misses you in some ways.

 

Was surprised reading his reaction to you. Most EXs remain cold and distant during such pickup the belongings times... as the accounts of me and Green Policy (linked to that thread earlier) picking up our bicycles from our EXs.

 

A couple of things happened, and I'm not a hundred per cent certain of what to think.

 

Silly as it might sound to a lot of people, the one time I REALLY thought I was going to cry was when the dog got very excited to see me and was very affectionate towards me during the visit. I used to take her for a lot of drives in my car and bring her back to my place, sometimes staying with me for a couple of days. The ex suggested I could take her home, and bring her back tomorrow, but I told him that I couldn't do that tomorrow because of my work. I so miss the dog and she is 14 years old now,and old age is really setting in. Despite whatever happens with the ex, the dog and I love each other to bits, and I want to bring her home with me again.

 

Dogs, like children, can become very close to people.

 

Just be glad this man didn't have a child you bonded with.

Have seen other women post here and at Love Shack how they wanted to reconnect or visit the child after their EX dumped them (they did become close to that child). The other posters cautioned her against that, of course...

 

I couldn't fit some of my stuff in the car. Told ex that as I had the valuable stuff, if he wouldn't mind leaving the rest of the stuff on the porch, I would collect it on my way to work. He said that wouldn't be necessary, that if I just gave him some notice, I could come while he is at home.

He seemed easygoing about all this. Many EXs want the other out of their life ASAP.

Be glad he's treating you much better than he did during the breakup. (I read what you posted about that).

 

I'm not feeling like he wants to be back together with me, but that he does want to see me. There were a couple of other things which happened too which I'm not sure what to make of.

That's good. Don't build up any false hope.

It's just leftover feelings for you.

When I left, he hugged me again saying how good it was to see me. Came out to the car and waved me off till I was out of sight.

 

If he really cared and wanted you, he wouldn't have done what he did earlier.

Actions speak louder than words.

As you've seen what he's REALLY like, you need to protect your heart.

I had a little cry in my car on the way home. I feel a bit sad and numb - not devastated,

 

That's normal. I bawled my head off riding the bike I picked up from my EX home.

Green Policy likely came to tears as well.

 

It's hard.

That part of your life is done.

It's a lonely feeling and it feels like it all never really happened, like it was all a dream and the two of you weren't really in love.

 

 

Brings to mind Elvis' Are You Lonesome Tonight (1961).

 

Heard it the other day.

The writer of the song experienced what you and I experienced.

 

"............You know someone said that the world's a stage

And each must play a part.

Fate had me playing in love with you as my sweetheart.

 

Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance

You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue

 

Then came act two,

you seemed to change and you acted strange

And why I'll never know. ........."

 

 

but sad - and I think a bit more accepting about the breakup. Then again,not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. I told him I will email me in a couple of weeks and get the rest of my stuff. He said I can get it in dribs and drabs - and I'm getting the impression that's what he wants me to do.

 

You'll be fine. Feelings come and go and are entirely natural.

 

Trust me, you'll never forget your EX. They'll like occupy a room in your mind that you can't clear out, no matter how much you want to....

 

 

A "rebound" woman I dated after that devastating breakup with the 30 y.o. virgin I dated at 26 (I posted about her)-- we remained "friends" after I broke us up.

 

It was a platonic 3-4 month relationship, we got along well and I imagine any other guy would like to go with this bright and attractive blonde, but I couldn't see a future with her.

 

She would come over to my apt. and we'd talk and do things as friends.

 

One time, she made a sexual advance toward me, but I resisted it (dummy !!) 'cause I couldn't see having sex with someone I didn't care for...

Even tried to kiss a woman friend of her's she brought along one night (just met this woman, I was getting a little more "daring" in my late 20s). This EX didn't seem upset...

 

Prob. shouldn't have remained close friends with her as I can now see how that may have "led her on."

 

A few months later, after I moved out of that town and returned for a short visit, tried contacting her and doing things with her, ala a dinner, but she (wisely) resisted...

It wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been. I do want to get better at nonchalance. I won't make any contact with him for a while, at least 6 weeks is what I'm planning and hoping I can stick to, and then collect my stuff. Yes, I realised when I saw him that I do still have feelings for him.

 

 

Silverbirch,

You're doing well and much better than I thought you would at the picking up of your stuff.

 

Any loving feelings he expressed to you at that moment were merely residual.

Maybe he felt guilty about how he acted and hurt you.

 

When I broke it off with the woman above....

....trust me, I never wanted to inflict any harm to her.

I liked her, but didn't love her, so didn't want to make her cry.

Thank God I wasn't sexual with her... Would've made matters far worse...

 

You gotta know dumpers do still have some feelings for their EXs...

 

Sorry this is longwinded, but felt it might help to see the other side...

[Silverbirch]

Hi Clarence,

I actually did undertake a lot of care of his 2 teenage children while they lived with him for 50% of the time - especially his daughter from whom he is now estranged. That was one of the things that hurt me the most. It felt like he wanted me there with him and his children while he was finding it difficult to cope with them, and once they were grown up, he didn't "need" me anymore, hence want me.

 

I doubt that my ex would feel guilt about ending the relationship - as far as I can see, when he has had conflicts with people, whatever actions he has taken, he has always, at least superficially, justified his actions (as being the other person's fault). I can't recall ever hearing him apologise for anything for ever admitting that he was wrong about anything.

 

I don't know that he is actually lonely. He says that he has been going out a lot. As for feelings just being residual, and not really meaning anything, THANKS, that helps me move on so much more easily. Yes, I likely won't forget my ex, but doesn't mean I will always have feelings for him. As you may have read, I was with somebody for 10 years, stood by him through hell and earth, to be treated badly, especially for last 2 years. I have ZILCH feelings for him. He is supposedly "engaged" - as he was to me, and I didn't feel anything except "Thank God, I'm not with him". He made several attempts to come back to me, but I was well and truly done, and frankly, couldn't care one way or the other if I ever see him again. I certainly don't want him as a friend - why would ?

 

I suppose it does all leave me with the sense that I will never really understand men, and I think I'm pretty much done with trying.

[jolbell69]

Wow - what a great thread!! Thanks - you have given me a lot to think about!!

[Silverbirch]

Sorry in advance if I'm posting a bit too frequently here, but I was thinking about the title and purpose of this thread about "Nonchalance Being Our Friend", and how I should be putting nonchalance into this situation and my life. Haven't seen Crap here for a while. I'd say he's out there enjoying himself being nonchalant as ever.

 

Well, I think Crap would say that remaining composed has been good, but I need to actually "feel" it not just fake it. I shouldn't giving the ex too much importance in my life or my mind, and reminding myself that life is short, to go out and enjoy myself and not get too stressed about anything, not to take too much too personally. What do you think. What other ways do you put nonchalance into your lives? Thanks.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, I still start to feel all those needy concerns, but I've learned how to turn them away the moment I sense them coming. So am I truly nonchalant yet? Maybe not. But I'm certainly not the manipulative, selfish, insecure guy I used to be. I do make an effort to see things from others' point of view now as well as accept that there's every possibility I'm wrong, especially in my 'gut' reactions, which have proven embarrassingly errant in the past.

 

So, I'm still working on it, but that's already enough to drastically improve my relationships with everyone around me. I even used it today to get myself a very nice financial bonus; in the past, I would have blown it simply by not letting things go.

[jeepman41]

Sorry in advance if I'm posting a bit too frequently here, but I was thinking about the title and purpose of this thread about "Nonchalance Being Our Friend", and how I should be putting nonchalance into this situation and my life. Haven't seen Crap here for a while. I'd say he's out there enjoying himself being nonchalant as ever.

 

Well, I think Crap would say that remaining composed has been good, but I need to actually "feel" it not just fake it. I shouldn't giving the ex too much importance in my life or my mind, and reminding myself that life is short, to go out and enjoy myself and not get too stressed about anything, not to take too much too personally. What do you think. What other ways do you put nonchalance into your lives? Thanks.

 

 

I'm sure that if you put nonchalance into daily practice in all facets of your life it will become a habit and won't feel like you are forcing it. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed by anything going on around you. Just maintain an even emotional state and try not to get too excited with the ups and downs of your daily existence.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Crap,

I'd never thought about the "gut instinct" thingy, but yeah maybe that rings true for me too. I'll try and keep that in mind.

 

Good point Jeepman, I'll try and get in lots of practice until it becomes automatic.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Sorry in advance if I'm posting a bit too frequently here, but I was thinking about the title and purpose of this thread about "Nonchalance Being Our Friend", and how I should be putting nonchalance into this situation and my life. .

Don't worry about. That's what these threads are for: venting and ranting.

That's what I use them for (notice the similar stories I post on).

 

You're doing fine and we're proud of you. You handled the belongings pickup well.

 

I know you wanted to take the dog with you and wish you could have taken it for a while, except you'd have to keep the dog for some time (bec. of the driving).

Maybe your EX would have allowed that. You were close to the dog.

It may better you didn't take the dog.

And you reacted to him well. So good work there.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Clarence,

I have decided that I AM going to take the dog. The dog is "on it's way out" and used to belong to the ex-wife of the ex. She told her children that she hates the ex so much that he can have the dog because she doesn't want to "share" it with him, even when the children and other people have offered to do all pick-ups and returns of the dog for any period of time specified by her. That dog has fretted enough and been abandoned by her. I am a very different sort of person to that.

 

This dog is the smartest, most affectionate and loyal border collie you could ever know. She understands so much more than you could imagine. When I say things to her like: "Would you like to come to the farm with Silver" she jumps up and barks "yes". I could tell you so many stories about things she has done. When she stays with me on my property, it brings out her full amazing personality - she is a "work dog". My ex doesn't even take her for walks - she lives in a small suburban backyard. When she is with me, she plays with my dog and my cats, and loves being with the horses.

 

If my ex has offered for her to come stay with me, I'm not giving that up for anybody, not even the ex.

 

With each day that passes, my self-esteem improves and I believe, my clarity of mind. I would not want to torture any man who didn't want to be with me by hanging around him. I would not want to be with a man who did not love me and believe he was fortunate to have me as his partner. If he isn't interested, that's fine, there are others who are - when I'm ready. As far as the ex goes anyway, with the things he said to me at the breakup, even though I still have feelings for him, I know that his words have taken away the spark I felt when I was with him. I don't know if that could ever come back, even if he turned around and said he had made a mistake. It would take time, and work on his part for that to return for me.

 

I got a text at 7am this morning from another man - a friend - who has had to go away, but saying that as soon as he can, he would like to come see me. That's fine by me too.

 

Busy day today, I go collect the new pony in a couple of hours. Been fiddling around with my camera, and hoping it just needs new batteries.

[1guygirl]

the dog sounds amazing and i feel the dog would benefit from being with you....sod the ex

 

and agree with the bolded...its how i feel in my BU situation, its a bitter sweet pill being so strong because you know their hill is gunna be harder to climb and its as of i can already see ex turning back down to flat ground - he jus doesnt have the legs to make the effort

[Silverbirch]

Hugs 1G1G. We have to keep telling ourselves that even if we feel pain now, we won't feel it forever. Time does heal.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Hi Clarence,

I have decided that I AM going to take the dog. The dog is "on it's way out" and used to belong to the ex-wife of the ex. She told her children that she hates the ex so much that he can have the dog because she doesn't want to "share" it with him, even when the children and other people have offered to do all pick-ups and returns of the dog for any period of time specified by her. That dog has fretted enough and been abandoned by her. I am a very different sort of person to that.

 

.....

 

If my ex has offered for her to come stay with me, I'm not giving that up for anybody, not even the ex.

 

Good. Glad you're gonna get SOMETHING out of the relationship considering the way he (unjustifiably) treated you at the end.

 

Dogs are easy to attach to. Years ago, fell in love with a golden retriever and had others as a child.

 

 

Thanks for posting the backstory with the dog. Knew there was more to it.

You seem like a confident and desireable woman that any man would be glad to have. Keep up the good work.

[Silverbirch]

Hi and Thanks Clarence. I finally got to bring the little black pony home yesterday. I knew he hadn't had much handling, but I find out now he has had zilch. Still, he went so well, put on a float for the first time. Got him in it within 10 minutes. Considering the state of his hooves, that's very good. I can tell he's very smart and learning to be led very well. Spent yesterday getting to know him and grooming him, and this morning, he came straight up to me for a stroke of his nose and lips. One of my other Shetlands, a retired broodmare who had 7 foals taken off her (all black like the new one) has adopted him. Hasn't left his side and they have been smooching and grooming each other. It's beautiful for me to watch. I have a lot to do today with putting up spring fences and other things. Yesterday was such a fabulous day, at the end of it, I got teary realising that usually I would share my joy with the ex, and this is the first time, he hasn't been around to share something like that with. I let myself have a little cry, then rang the horsey friend who put me onto the little pony. He was very happy to hear about it and we chatted about horsey things. I'm not a religious person, but I pray for the "missing of my ex" during these times to be taken off me soon. I look forward to complete healing and moving on.

[Voodoodoll]

What a fabulous thread Crap........ just fabulous x

[joekim]

Do yourselves all a favor and go rent forgetting sarah marshall. If you've already seen it, watch it again. If you laugh just once, you'll feel at least 1% better

[woodgnome]

WOW Stickman, 100% brilliant post, your last paragraph is like a microcosm of what I (and my ex, but now NOT ex!) had to learn, impliment and evolve, in order to reconcile after a very upsetting 4 month apart breakup. We have been back together for around 4 months, but only after giving the space, changing the behaviour, growing and seeing things from both sides!! We both know that change (and a little acceptance) had to happen. As it was, she still very much loved me, but couldnt live with me the way things were going (downhill slowly, for about a year/year and half - to fast!, the last 6 months or so) I now know that by her finishing with me, she was actually giving us the chance to mend things (as by staying together, I'll be honest and admit, it would have destroyed our relationship (possibly) for good/ever!) The advice (the sensible stuff) on this site (and Al Turtles site) was invalueable in helping our reconciliation. Oh, and I'd just like to finish by adding that the catalyst to my beautiful lady 'wanting' me back, started for her, shortly after I'd read this thead about nonchalance! I'd started to work on nonchalance by being happy and carefree whenever I popped round for my mail, or if she'd invite me for a coffee! She saw something different and really attractive about me straight away and admitted as much when we got back together by saying she felt 'fwhooar' about seeing me so positive and carefree (which translates as seeing the person she fell in love with - but revitalised!!) So I can definitely vouch for nonchalance's validity, thanks Crappy! lol

[CrapAtNC]

Huge congrats, woodgnome. Keep up the great attitude! It all comes down to you, so hats off to you, mate.

 

Crappy

[woodgnome]

Huge congrats, woodgnome. Keep up the great attitude! It all comes down to you, so hats off to you, mate.

 

Crappy

Thanks Crap, when me and my partner split up I was devestated, truelly lost, but after a while decided the only thing to do was try and move forward like an adult with dignity (at least in public lol, as there were times when I bloody cried like a baby! Kept away from putting the sad songs on though!!). I found this excellent site, love shack and Al Turtle, did a lot of reading, soul searching, and slowly but surely started to rebuild. I went out with good friends and (tried at first, then found I really was) enjoyed myself. I got my self confidence and esteem back, even found I wasn't bad at chatting to the opposite sex, tee hee. My partner actually told me about this attractive change in my attitude (and physical appearance) over a coffee about a week after I'd popped round to pick up some of my mail, and instead of coming in for a chat and a drink, just said I was in a bit of a rush (to go training, which I was), kept smiling and said I'd hopefully see her soon! That was definitely the point at which she started to see me as the man she was 'so' (sorry, I'm not trying to say I'm the best catch, really!) attracted to 8 years ago. Please read, 'attracted to', not 'fell in love with'. I actually now feel a bit guilty Crappy, as I didn't join this group, but just read and read and took the best of the imformation and help that there was (I just wish some of the others would stop and REALLY listen/read it properly and take heed!), and now because I have been successful, I would like to (if others would gain any insight from it) contribute my story, advice and experiences that helped our reconciliation, just don't really know how to go about it? Any advice? Thanks, Woodgnome.

[CMS]

Starting your own thread would work, and be prepared to be non-chalant about whatever the naysayers says

[ClarenceRutherford]

Hi and Thanks Clarence. I finally got to bring the little black pony home yesterday.

....

I have a lot to do today with putting up spring fences and other things.

Good you're keeping busy. Good plan.

Yesterday was such a fabulous day, at the end of it, I got teary realising that usually I would share my joy with the ex, and this is the first time, he hasn't been around to share something like that with.

Yeah, it's during those times when we think of our EXs. I know it's hard....

 

I let myself have a little cry, then rang the horsey friend who put me onto the little pony. He was very happy to hear about it and we chatted about horsey things.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I pray for the "missing of my ex" during these times to be taken off me soon. I look forward to complete healing and moving on.

Posted earlier that you were returning to your faith, but now you say you're not a religious person.

It's not my concern, of course, and perhaps you'd rather say this in a PM, but I wondered what had changed?

 

Was a ENA poster who once lived a highly promiscuous life. Now still unmarried at 40, she's desparate and lonely. She's attending Catholic instruction and becoming more invovled in her childhood church.

 

That's not you, of course, but getting involved in a religion doesn't mean you believe every single thing such denomination believes. Many find faith of comfort during times like you're experiencing. Just my 2cents.

[Nick Lansing]

True, too, to an extent. But such is life. This is what happens. This is how we live and learn. Sometimes we ignore it. Sometimes we are blindsided. Sometimes, people are very tricky. Even if we know ourselves and become aware of others, things slip through the cracks. This is what being human is all about, on all sides.. There is empowerment and then there is this...And this runs on a fine line of taking a shot at our own egos for letting ourselves get hurt.

 

Yes! One thing about life: I'm glad I've had a broken heart. I'm glad I was brave enough to risk falling in love with someone, knowing my heart could get broken! I don't ever want to live like a cowering puppy who's been beaten too much (to paraphrase Bruce Springsteen), or a hermit, or a player...

 

I will live and learn, I will be a little more prudent and careful, but I'm not gonna let my spirit get crushed.