Nonchalance is Your Friend

[brickheart]

I read the first few and the most recent few pages of this thread, and I like the idea... but what do I do if I'm a naturally emotional person and I've never been able to keep my emotions in check? If I feel strongly, I can't restrain my excitement or tears (depending on the situation, obviously)... particularly with someone I've known so well. I'm wondering how I can quickly gain this nonchalance in time for our last meeting tonight... I want to show that strong, independent, definitely-not-needy side that first attracted him, not the weepy, needy side that has been out since he broke up with me. Please help me go out with dignity...

[StandingProud]

CrapAtNC, I just want to say I came accross this thread a few weeks ago and spent almost a full week reading every single post. Your original post opened my eyes and allowed me to become more aware of myself and why my most recent relationship failed (and may have also affected previous ones too).

I'm embarking on a search for myself again and for this I can't thank you enough.

[violet456]

CrapAtNC - you have opened my eyes to how i acted in a relationship and the person that i am. I tend to worry and over-analyse situations and want to spend alot of time with my partner. Its not the person i want to be though, i had become a much stronger person after our breakup a year ago, it was when i was cool and nonchalant when he came back and tried to contact and see me.

 

I hope you can help me with this situation. My ex and I have recently reconciled, we were going well for the first few weeks then after we talked about things, in regards to our relationship, he withdrew from me and has been acting cold. All in a turnaround of a week of being happy, affectionate and wanting to spend time with me as much as he could, he now doesn't initiate contact and only talks about the bad things between us.

 

The main thing he has told me is he doesn't want to marry me or have kids with me. (we were previously engaged in a 4 year relationship, however i called it off due to being so young. I was only 19 and I have regretted this ever since)

He said if i was happy to accept that these things would never happen between us (despite him saying he does want to get married and have kids someday) things would be better and work out. However, i feel like i'm the problem. He won't commit or want those things with me but will eventually with someone else.

I feel like i'm just with him until he finds someone better.

He also said he was thinking of breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what i wanted (marriage and kids). I just burst into tears. So much for being cool and nonchalant. It's not as easy as you hope it to be.

 

I know its really early to even think or talk about these things after only 2 months of being back together. I'm 23 and he's 25.

He said he just always thinks about it when he sees me and it turns him into this different, cold person.

 

Please help me, I am in despair as to what to do.

[fluctuat]

Oh my word, you sound *just* like me. Even the saving animals part. Gotta put that energy somewhere....

I've realized too that nonchalance is your friend, recently. But definitely checking out this book now.

Thanks!

[Mizz]

Before I used to care too much. I totally agree that nonchalance really is good.

 

Last time I saw my ex I was as nonchalant as could be. Nothing was really phasing me especially anything he was doing. I wasn't even paying much attention to him when we were in a group of friends. A couple times he made jokes or remarks that in the past would have made me a little bothered and this time I laughed and went along with it and joked with him. I was mostly just minding my own business when we were with friends and my ex actually was trying to get MY attention. It was certainly interesting.

[anonamau5]

Holy CRAP! This is by far the best thread I have ever read in any forum...ever. I am on page 63. I will continue to try and catch up before I share any of my experiences....they have been positive though. Is Crap still around?

[Janeiac]

How's everybody doing? I'd love to hear updates. So many people on here were so kind and helpful to me, giving me the support I needed to be strong and get rid of someone who was no good for me.

 

I probably failed at nonchalance and became indifferent instead but I'm still better off. I've met someone new who shares many of my interests and hobbies, who treats me with respect, and is an all-around good doobie. Plus the sex is fantastic! I'm really happy.

 

Hang in there, everybody. One way or another, it gets better.

[CrapAtNC]

Great to hear, Janeiac!

 

anonamau5, I still poke my head around the door when I'm nonchalantly passing.

[peaches08]

I need to read this entire thread. I know that I am codependent, I know I need to read the book mentioned in the first post, and I know I need therapy. Between nursing school and bartending I haven't had a lot of time. But I want to start by reading all the posts in this thread because so many of them strike a chord with me. Once school starts I have to pay the school for health insurance, so maybe I can start therapy then. Thank you for starting this thread, CrapAtNC!

 

My situation in short: 2.5 years relationship, started out rough by both of us. On and off again relationship, he's addicted to porn and alcohol. He says I'm addicted to alcohol, and while I hear the point he's trying to make, what I really hear is "you drink socially and I can't and it p*sses me off." He broke up with me Tuesday morning at 5 am and threw me out of his place. I came from an abusive family so this constant throwing me out garbage reminds me of my mother. Anyway, this part I DO believe: he really didn't want to break up, it was a mistake and a desperate way to say "you don't know what you have." OK, we've all done similar stupid stuff. But this time he waited until I blocked his phone to come out to a bar that I frequent. Since then I took the block off my phone (stupid) and wanted to know why he came out. I had to BEG for him to ever come out. Anyway, since then everyday he's told me he misses me, loves me, only wants me, knows he made a mistake...and late at night or early morning he asks me to come over or if I want him to come to me. I've told him that this looks like typical "I'm lonely and h*rny" stuff that happens in any relationship, but he disagrees.

 

I finally agreed to see him face to face last night at Waffle House to give him the chance he asked for to tell me the 2 things that have been bothering him so much. I let him speak without interruption. I told bits and pieces of what's been bothering me, but not everything. Frankly, I was getting too angry all over again. He could see it, and for once wasn't overreacting to what I said. What I wish I had done was not let ANY of my anger out. Was I yelling? No. Nothing like that. but my words and views were obvious, I'm angry at him. Before and after the breakup, or whatever it was.

 

I sent a text this morning explaining that after thinking about what he said has bothered him, but as far as that night I had not done either of those 2 things so that I was confused. I wasn't mean, I wasn't angry in the text...just clear. I really thought about how to word things so he would understand that I thought about what he said. Was it the right thing to do? I have no idea.

 

I don't know which direction this will go, and I kind of don't know what I want. I love this guy and miss him terribly, but I think I need to cool off before snuggling on the couch with him like nothing happened. That's part of where things went wrong in the beginning: I didn't set proper boundaries.

 

By the way, I want to start therapy whether we work out or not. I need it for me.

 

Thoughts? Sorry if this is just rambling. Heck, sometimes rambling on "paper" helps me. Therapy on its own!

[skheehee]

A question: Do I go NC or be nonchalant if my ex is already seeing someone else? She's been in a relationship with this guy, who supposedly is a rebound, for 2 months and a half now, and it started about 1 month and a half or so after we went our separate ways. All that time, I had to deal with the stresses of my examinations while she was out having fun AND stringing me along at the same time. We were together for 3 years. I tried the begging, pleading, apologizing route(which made me look really pathetic by the way) and she was unfazed. In fact, I think it strengthened her resolve to be with this guy, who I don't like one bit. She's going all out to hurt me, as far as I'm concerned, as she posts on her Facebook wall how sweet this guy treats her, how loving he is, bla bla bla... She even had the cheek to ask if we could be friends, to which I said that we couldn't, because whatever we had was too special to just leave it a friendship.

 

I wouldn't want to bore you with the full story but I want to ask just one simple thing. Should I initiate contact and try to be nonchalant when I talk to her, or do I just keep my distance from her and remain in NC? Today is day 27 of NC by the way, and I feel like she's slipping away, deeper into this guys' arms.

[Tybalt]

I'm so thrilled with life. Not because of anything anyone else has done, for it is completely independent of the actions of others.

 

After a year plus, I'm still in touch with my long distance friend, but we are just that now, friends. The reality is that circumstances do not allow more than that and I'm at peace with it. We maintain a friendly contact and that's fine with me.

 

Not too long after the turmoil with that situation, I started dating another man who was geographically proximate, but emotionally unavailable. I broke myself on those rocks for almost six months. However, I realized it was not enough for me to receive crumbs and I let him go - albeit reluctantly at first. But something happened to me during that interval. I finally realized some things. The first is that nobody is so exceptional that they are entitled to give us less than we want and stay at the forefront of our world. The second is that the "crap" that I had put up with for years was annoying, draining, and not worth the headache. I was truly better off caring for myself than putting myself out there for anyone who didn't have my best interests at heart, or the capability to deliver on such a desire.

 

Another few months post breakup and this guy started contacting me again, begging for me to see him. I wasn't too impressed and blew him off essentially for 3 months. Recently, I agreed, reluctantly, to see him. He told me finally after over a year that he is in love with me, has loved me for a long time, and was just too "afraid" before. Eh, right now I've opened the door to a "wait and see" if actions line up with words, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that if he veers off into emotionally distant or unavailable again, his option to know me and have me in his life is over. It isn't punitive, I'm not lording it over anyone, I just know what I am worth now and no matter what I may feel, my desire to love and care for my own well being trumps any of the destructive garbage that came before.

 

In short, I agree with Crap, and Rukumouru, it isn't that you don't care anymore, you just don't let those kneejerk reactions, or loneliness, or insecurity, or some need for validation from another, rule you. You have it all inside yourself, you truly do. Nothing needs to put off what YOU want to do or be, it is not dependent on another, joy is a present gift regardless of who you're dating or married to or whatever. The power to make yourself happy is in you and SHOULD come from you. Even if you're with the most wonderful man or woman in the world, it isn't their responsibility to make you whole. And when you make yourself whole, opting out from a relationship that gives you little becomes possible and more desirable than clinging to a fantasy that someone else will save you or make your life better. I know that whether I end up in a committed long term relationship or not, I am okay, I will be okay, and I believe in myself. Thanks Crap. You set the example, that mechanism in motion that has led to a whole greater than the sum of its parts. It may have started as an outer affect, but it has become an inner truth.

[Tearsbegone]

This is EXACTLY what I need to learn how to do. My anxious brain does not know how. It's like I am wired to be the complete opposite. HOW can one master this?!

[anonamau5]

Almost there...almost...as in almost read this entire thread.

Such good stuff.

Hope you folks are all doing well. Crap and Roku, Jane, Bung, and everyyone else...you all rock. I feel like I know you guys. How are things going?

[EmotionalCreature]

I was about to go to bed and glad I didn't. Thanks for sharing this book, it hit home hard where I failed to realised where I went wrong.

[CrapAtNC]

This is one of the best posts I've ever read here. You, Tybalt, have come to a realisation that can only bring you greater happiness and success in the future. We all have to make some compromise in relationships, but not for the things that are most important to us and not for things that should be a given in any relationship. We deserve better, and, when we know that and act on that, we get better (in every sense).

 

Great post, and good to hear from you!

[axedog85]

Been looking over these forums for a while and they helped me get through our last break up but unfortunately I'm going through it again. Been together 2 years, last time we broke up we went on a 'break' because she needed to figure things out, she was going through a stressful time building her house and getting her business started. During the break I found out that she slept with a guy I know she had been talking to while we were together. Even though she says it was nothing, in the back of my mind I know she still had feelings for him. We got back together anyway and I know she didn't speak to him again while we were together, I moved into her new house and things were going great. However I still had that paranoia that she was going to get back in contact with him. So unfortunately I was checking her phone and facebook, and got caught out. I became the unatractive, needy guy I always said I would never become. We broke up this time, and as we were going through the BU she let me know exactly what went wrong, that there was no trust and that I had changed from the cocky, funny, non chalance MAN she fell in love with into a needy and paranoid boy who didn't give her any space. Right up until the BU we were talking of marriage, kids etc and she has even said to her parents that she wants this from me but not who I've become.

 

During the 'break' I was being needy, ringing, texting etc and didn't give her any space. She still came back. However this time I have started NC from the start. I'm working on myself and want to be the man she first met. I still believe in my heart that she is the one.

 

This morning she messaged me saying "Hope u have a fantastic time in Bali, I'm sure it's gonna be a nice relaxing holiday for you. Be safe and i'm wondering if I should reply in a non chalance way or just go on my holiday and continue NC and let her sweat on it. She still has me on facebook so she will see my photos of me enjoying my holiday. Any advice is appreciated PS sorry about the long post!

[anonamau5]

Hey Axe! I would suggest, and this is from what little I have gathered from your post, to do one of teo things; but first, how long have you been in NC? If it has been ling enough for you you to get yourself back to normal then sure, return a message. But be upbeat and happy, keep it short. 2, if you still need to work on yourself and have only been in NC for a short time then don't reply. She will see your updates on facebook. However, I would suggest not posting much on facebook anyway. Add a bit of mystery maybe. Don't try to make her jealous. Work on you man. Work on you!

 

I'm tired and this advice may not be the best, just relax, enjoy your holiday and stay positive. Have a drink for me!

[axedog85]

Yeah thanks for the advice man. I had already replied before i read your post though! I just wrote "thanks, it should be good kept it short and sweet and it was about 24 hours after she sent hers. I am working on myself and i think im happier every day. Using a non chalance attitude in every day life actually makes me feel good im at the airport now so cant wait to relax by the pool and enjoy what life has to offer! One day at a time!

[anonamau5]

Axe! That's what you should be doing. Stay happy and have fun on holiday!

[steve suave]

I have read most of this thread and it is quite enlightening and refreshing. I have discovered in my past relationships that the less passion/spark I have for the person the easier it is to be nonchalant or indifferent...and interstingly the more desperate the women is to gain my affection. But if I care for or have deep passion for the person it is quite difficult to be nonchalant...and the more apt it is for the woman to become bored/not challenged. It is a wonderful paradox that frustrates and irritates me. How can you be nonchalant towards someone you care about or love?

[anonamau5]

Hi Steve! I used to be the most nonchalant person ever. I found myself becoming needy around the women I would find interesting. Same scenerio as yourself. They would run.

 

Now, I am working on getting myself back to normal. Back to relaxed, caring(but not too much), and happy.

 

From what I know personally, and from reading this thread, and doing some deep self study, to really be nonchalant, you have to work at it. You must truly feel it, or maybe, not feel too much.

 

Let your emotions wash over you. Accept them. Like a wave move with it. Don't react to the emotion. Acknowledge it/them. Then move on.

 

Saying and doing are two different things. It is hard for me. It didn't use to be. But it has gotten easier. Trust me. Work on you and it falls into place.

[EmotionalCreature]

but as you state it can have amazing results when you make a choice not to fuel the fire and instread put it out by not feeding into their issues! Thanks for sharing!

 

Now I'm curious, how do I react to someone who always has drama in her life? She always tell me things but mostly they're about how bad the day was, something not pleasant happened, etc. I appreciate the fact she shares with me these things, and I want to be supportive. However, I have a feeling being supportive in certain way could feed this negative behavior and turn me into her emotional garbage bag than anything more. Howe do you be nonchalant in this situation when the negativity isn't directed at you?

[Mariana345]

This is a great tread. But I'm wondering if I could use it on my favor... Could you please check my history and give me some advice? here Thank you!!!

[EmotionalCreature]

Hi, Claire.

 

Strawbridge, I can tell that you are not in the right frame of mind to make anything work with her right now. You don't want to hear this, and you may not be able to follow the advice, but I would suggest staying in NC for a while until the need to be with her has gone and a healthy desire is in its place.

Crap

 

Hi Crap just want a clarification here about NC. This has noting to do with me, however this thread has become like a story book to me and I want to understand the story well.

 

When you suggested Strawbridge to go into NC mode, is it not initiating contact or not responding to contacts?

[steve suave]

Brilliant anon. I guess it evokes a kind of Zen like lifestyle. Accept and feel your emotions but then separate yourself from them. I bet if I got back into meditating this would become easier. Thanks for the feedback!