Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

You don't care.

[T413]

How many times do you have to tell us eh?

 

Thank you.

[Samatha]

I'm copying the update here I wrote in my thread:

after months and months, Ex mails me, asks for information as how I'm doing, shows me stuff that could interest me...

and still, even without me answering, without me writing or saying anything, everytime he adds 'but don't get confused, I'm still hurt, you really hurt me too much, and be together again is impossible.. it will never happen again, and distance is the best'...

 

OK I GOT IT.. he doesn't want me anymore... but... why 'search for me', after so much time he was evading me? and why even without me asking for nothing, telling me at each oportunity that 'it won't happen again'...

It sounds contradictory to me. If I don't care for someone, if that persons means nothing to me, 1. I don't mail, neither if I'm just curious, 2. I don't repeat the whole time that 'never again.

It's not that I don't trust his words, I believe, though I'd like to be with him again, that it's over now. But I just have that sense of 'something's strange'... you know?

 

Trying to be nonchalant about this... not answering him. But I don't understand why I have this strange vibe coming from him..

[Sim54]

Very bizarre behaviour if you ask me. It's obviously on his mind about you being together/not together otherwise he wouldn't mention it.

I think your not answering is the right thing to do. Don't reward bad behaviour.

 

S

[sfindependent]

It feels lousy and it does hurt because I've really developed some feelings for him. But practicing nonchalance as a kind of philosophy on life has empowered me and raised my standards. I may have emotions, but I'm not enslaved by them to accept less than what I want. And by letting go of trying to change other people or get a certain response out of them, I'm finding that I feel more in control of myself than ever. Focusing on myself and my behavior reinforces that I am responsible for my own happiness

 

i've been trying to put what i've been experiencing lately down on paper, and you captured it right here. it feels great that i can "feel" but not react on feelings... and if i know i won't be able to control them, let time pass to calm myself down, or avoid situations over all...

 

me and the ex are in LC (i have initiated the convo) and im not really looking into reconciliation, i'm sure i'm not ready for any type of relationship whatsoever with anyone but i'd like to build a friendship with her. I don't blame her for being a bit avoidant, as i mentioned on another thread, i wasn't exactly the pinnacle of strength and comfort for her, so she has every right to act the way she's behaving.

 

It's also interesting that I find myself more empowered to be honest. I did tell him I was sad, and that I had feelings but that I needed certain things in a relationship. I wasn't scared to speak out like I've been in the past. No game playing, just telling him like it is with a calm, non-blaming attitude.

 

convos on the phone are brief and i try to make her laugh. i'd inject a bit seriousness such as "yeah, i've been a tishy bF" with the idea of the above... or i'd say "thanks for still caring about me smoking" and a bit of "yeah, i can see where the acrid smell of cigarettes would frustrate you about my smoking" (she still tells me to stop smoking as late as yesterday)...then move on to something funny. text convo with her is different tho. she's less engaging, one worded and brief so i'd have to move from being "texter" to "caller". but i'm in no rush. i've a life to live and its a long way from being perfect. i'm honest with my feelings but i try not to be over bearing... we'll see.

[Samatha]

Very bizarre behaviour if you ask me. It's obviously on his mind about you being together/not together otherwise he wouldn't mention it.

I think your not answering is the right thing to do. Don't reward bad behaviour.

 

S

 

OK, I won't reply, also because... even though he maybe contacts me, it feels as.. he want's to know, but in the same time, he's angry knowing that I can reply... as... as if me talking to him still irritiates him o.O

well.. as said, I know for sure, he doesn't want me back, he maybe even have a new one (since I saw them twice.. but being in NC doesn't allow me to know further) but... he just gives me 'contradictory vibes'..

[Janeiac]

Samantha, you are doing great so far. Keep the focus on yourself and not on him. Look at it this way: he switched from wanting no contact with you to sending you messages. He's being contradictory and weird, that's his problem in handling and expressing his emotions. Don't let it become yours. If he switches to something reasonable and clear, you may perhaps think about answering that in the future.

[Samatha]

Ok.

But I don't want to push him farther away (since I'd still like reconciliation if it comes), but neither do I want to let him take the forehand, or think that he still has power over me.

So I don't want to miss a moment to maybe *reconnect* somehow emotionally. which I think, is too soon now, and.. maybe won't happen since ha stated he doesn't love me. lol.. XD

but you know what I mean..

 

Also, on one of his messages, he was kind of rude towards me, and just now he asked sorry for his behaviour.. what to do now?

[Janeiac]

You're too busy having fun to be bothered with answering every message the minute it comes, right?

[Tybalt]

There is zero point in speculating on what he or she "means," "wants" or any of it. Until there is unequivocable statement of clarity (I have thought it over, made a mistake, want you in my life and I want to discuss and act upon what it takes to make that happen), there is no need for a conversation in this vein.

 

Tonight that gorgeous, younger model friend of mine sent me a message telling me he really has feelings for me and wants to "hang out," but he isn't sure he can offer me what I want. Really? Well, when someone is ambivalent or unclear in their own head I'm simply not going to engage on that level. I'm not going to torture myself wondering if he really cares or if he will come around. The situation is what it is, this person is who they are, and that's fine. I have no hard feelings, and I like him. However I have made it clear what I want in a relationship, and his response doesn't address it. So, I am not wasting time trying to think of a response to that statement.

 

Thank you Crap, for this thread and all it is accomplishing. I know neither of us needs the validation, but it's still a good thing to express positive reinforcement as well as gratitude.

[Maverick1984]

You're too busy having fun to be bothered with answering every message the minute it comes, right?

 

Of all the advice given Samantha, this is the one you need to focus on.

You can't resist what you're feeling because 'what you resist, persists'

 

I would instead focus on building yourself the type of life that makes you so happy, that you simply do not have the time to spend with anyone else. Do this and watch how attractive this will make you.

 

People generally live mundane lives and are looking for other's to latch on to in order to fill a void in their lives and to enhance it because it takes work and effort to improve yourself.

 

Sit down and think about what aspects in your life you'd like to improve - what activities you've always wanted to do but have always put off, what you've always wanted to learn but didn't have the time to. Then write it down and make it a conscious effort to start - This is what builds self-esteem, security and independence.

 

You'll see that once you start doing this, you'll eventually become so fulfilled that you will not need a relationship to make you happy, which is crucial - Most people look at relationships as a way of making themselves happy or looking for happiness from that other person when a relationship should simply be a way of sharing your happiness with the other person. There's a big difference between the two...

 

Hope that makes sense...

[Samatha]

I know that.. I'm already living, so much better than months ago..

Still, there's 10% of me that still would like to try it out again with the ex... if it happens, great, if not, someone else will come, I'm sure.

 

But until I feel those 10%, I still can hope. not living after that hope. Doing my stuff, and come what may.

 

But there are situations with ex which I can't handle nonchalantly, and to not ruin anymore, I ask for advice first.

[Janeiac]

Guy phoned me today after about 2 weeks of NC saying he really wants to try again, and that he would agreed to stop contact with his "friend." I told him there is no "try" there is only do or not do, as Yoda says! and that he absolutely had to change the way he treats me and that I require much more attention and consideration. He says he will DO.

 

So, I agreed to give him another chance. He knows he is "on probation" and seemed enormously relieved that I let him drop by for a visit. He says he really didn't like things the way they had been between us (not talking) and that he wants to repair the relationship. I'm pretty happy about it.

 

If I have to go on the merry-go-round again, though, I might just throw myself into the works instead!

 

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and support. I feel GOOOOD right now but I'm sure I'll be back for more as things progress.

[CrapAtNC]

Janeiac, that's great! I'm sure you won't tolerate even a smidgen of his previous behaviour and have made enough changes to your own to make this work. You have the power, and with that comes great responsibility. Use it to do good, now! ;-)

[Sim54]

Sounds positive Janeiac. I'm sure you know, but words are cheap. Let's see what his actions are. You need to stay strong, which will make it hard for him to stay strong too, and will test his mettle, so to speak. Let's hope he steps up and stops messing you around!

 

 

[whatatodo]

Really pleased to hear this... good luck and keep us posted how you get on.x

[Janeiac]

The thing that must be done now is to build a solid connection. I think both of us were feeling lost and disconnected from each other.

He's promised not to take off for the Vineyard without me every summer weekend. He's promised to go on a camping trip I already have scheduled, and to plan some more. If he follows through that will make a big difference because I think having fun together will build the connection. If he follows through it will give me a lot of confidence that things are good, and that he's been worth it, and my behavior and attitude will reflect that naturally.

What are some other things that will contribute to a solid foundation and to stimulate those loving feelings?

[Sim54]

I think it's very important to remember that at times you have probably enabled his behaviour by over reaching, and filling in the gaps he made, so to speak. So maintain your solidity. A strong independent woman who is living her own life, whilst still be able to soften deep into her femininity and vulnerability, without ever being clingy or pushy is going to help stimulate those loving feelings. A man loves a woman not for what she does for him, but for who she is, and how he feels when he's with her. If he feels that you are a prize, and someone who is hard one, and doesn't give herself away easily, then he will want to stick with you.

 

Good luck.

[Janeiac]

...You have the power, and with that comes great responsibility. Use it to do good, now! ;-)

 

BWAAAHAHAHA!

 

I'm off for the long summer kickoff holiday weekend without Guy. Let him miss me some more!

 

Feeling happy and loving life right now. Back Tuesday.

[T413]

I'm practising nonchalance but I still have to think about it before it happens. It's not natural yet but hopefully that will come.

 

It's my ex's Birthday today and I text him 'Happy Birthday'. It's the first time I've initiated contact since March. He hasn't responded. I don't know what I expect and it has only been an hour since I sent it. So, why I am disappointed? I have to consciously remind myself not to expect anything. I also read this forum and it cheers me up.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

I’m off for some retail therapy.

[Sim54]

I don't really get Happy Birthday texts. I mean is it really such a nice thing to do? A card at least no?

In any case, it's only a text, and he's probably still digesting you contacting him. If he doesn't reply, it doesn't mean anything. Not in the long run.

Let it slide.

[T413]

Thanks Sim54.

 

I did think about sending a card but I didn't want to appear too keen.

 

I did get a response to my text....just a thank you but at least I wasn't ignored.

[Janeiac]

t413, you are on the right track. Just keep on keeping on!

 

Things are good so far with Guy. My father and stepmother are coming from out of town for a visit today, and Guy and his mother will join us for dinner. I was a bit miffed he wasn't telling his mother we are back together, so that's fixed. He's been behaving himself this week, and being very nice.

 

The "friend" texted him yesterday but he didn't try to hide it (actually told me up front.) . He says they hadn't communicated in some time after agreeing not to talk anymore, presumably since the day he told me he wanted me back and would stop it with her. So I'm thinking, well then WHAT did you tell her if not, DON'T CONTACT ME AT ALL IT IS RUINING MY RELATIONSHIP THAT I WANT TO FIX????

 

I very sternly, angrily, told him he has to stop it completely, that he should go to his phone company and block his number. He keeps trying to minimize it as "no big deal" but I'm not letting it slide.

 

One thing that bothers me a little bit is he isn't telling her he is getting back (or trying to) with me. I don't want to drive myself insane obessing over it, but it doesn't sit right.

 

He says that all the crap I went through I did to myself. Well, that's true, in a way, but I got myself upset over what he in fact DID do. I'll never be so nonchalant as to shrug off betrayal, disrespect, and disappointment from someone I love. The best I can do is speak up, and stop seeing the person if the behaviour doesn't improve. He knows for sure that I mean it!

 

Things are good right now. Summer is here and we have fun things to do. The pool will be open this weekend.

 

Chin up, everybody. It does get better. Keeping focused on your own stuff helps a lot.

[Sim54]

Isn't it funny how you doubted he would come back?

 

Well, you need to be TOTALLY clear on this friend of his. You didn't totally do it to yourself, and surely one of the requirements of getting back together is NO contact with her. No questions. He either complies or he hits the road right?

[Janeiac]

Isn't it funny how you doubted he would come back?

 

 

 

I really was convinced of that, and it really was the best view to take, because I'd be fine either way!

 

For sure we have clarity on the "friend." He doesn't verbalize exactly the way I would wish, but that's ok. Action are what counts. Things are good right now.